32 Presidential Jokes Told by U.S. Presidents

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Ever noticed how our presidents can dish out inspiring quotes one minute and crack us up the next? From Ronald Reagan and Abraham Lincoln to Bill Clinton and George W. Bush, they’ve all had their share of political jokes and hilarious moments. So, in the spirit of laughter, we’ve rounded up some of the best president jokes and one-liners.

You don’t have to wait until President’s Day to share these presidential jokes (although we have some of the best President’s Day jokes for you too!). Whether you’re celebrating your favorite president’s birthday or just in need of a good chuckle, these witty president jokes are sure to keep you entertained!

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Funny president jokes

• “I always talk better lying down.” —James Madison, fourth U.S. president 

• “Popularity may aptly be compared to a coquette—the more you woo her, the more apt is she to elude your embrace.” —John Tyler, 10th U.S. president 

• “We Polked You in ’44. We Shall Pierce You in ’52.” —Franklin Pierce, 14th U.S. president 

• “What kills a skunk is the publicity it gives itself.” —Abraham Lincoln, 16th U.S. president 

• “I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” —Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. president 

• “I only know two tunes, one of them is ‘Yankee Doodle’ the other isn’t.” —Ulysses S. Grant, 18th U.S. president 

• “If it were not for the reporters, I would tell you the truth.” —Chester A. Arthur, 21st U.S. president 

• “I bet I can get more than two words out of you,” and Coolidge replied, “You. Lose.” —Calvin Coolidge, 30th U.S. president 

• “Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.” —Herbert Hoover, 31st U.S. president 

• “When somebody at your table tells you that you’ve been hogging all the side dishes, you can’t have anymore. I hope you respond with a creed that sums up the spirit of the hungry people: Yes we cran.” —Barack Obama, 44th U.S. president 

• “I’m not surprised. But what for?” —Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd U.S. president,  after being told Eleanor Roosevelt’s gone to prison

• “My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician.” —Harry S. Truman, 33rd U.S. president 

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• “Do you realize the responsibility I carry?” —John F. Kennedy, 35th U.S. president 

• “I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.” —Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. president 

• “Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg?” —Lyndon B. Johnson, 36th U.S. president 

• “At a time when funds for the defense budget may be cut, it’s comforting to see so many of the big guns from your industry still getting loaded.” —Gerald Ford, 38th U.S. president 

• “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” —Jimmy Carter, 39th U.S. president 

• “Please tell me you’re Republicans.” —Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. president, to a surgeon after a failed assassination attempt 

• “People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” —George H. W. Bush, 41st U.S. president 

• “Thank you for your email. This Internet of yours is a wonderful invention.” —George W. Bush, 43rd U.S. president 

•  “I look forward to these dinners where I’m supposed to be funny… intentionally.” —George W. Bush, 43rd U.S. president 

• “These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, ‘Intelligence Briefing.’” —George W. Bush, 43rd U.S. president 

• “Many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is Barack is actually Swahili for ‘That One.’ And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn’t think I’d ever run for president.” —Barack Obama, 44th U.S. president 

• “In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.” —John Adams, second U.S. president 

Loving these president jokes but looking for humor a bit shorter? You’ll enjoy these short jokes that anyone can remember!

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President jokes about politics

• “The two happiest days of my life were those of my entrance upon the office and my surrender of it.” —Martin Van Buren, eighth U.S. president 

• “Politics, when I am in it, makes me sick.” —William Howard Taft, 27th U.S. president 

• “Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” —Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. president 

• “When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer ‘present’ or ‘not guilty.’” —Theodore Roosevelt, 26th U.S. president 

• “I have long enjoyed the friendship and companionship of Republicans because I am by instinct a teacher and I would like to teach them something.” —Woodrow Wilson, 28th U.S. president 

• “Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.” —Bill Clinton, 42nd U.S. president 

• “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.” —Bill Clinton, 42nd U.S. president 

• “Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.” —Ronald Reagan, 40th U.S. president 

These president jokes are fun (and absolutely hilarious!), but when is the last time you’ve heard a good knock-knock joke?

Why trust us

Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the last 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter Is the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and bad jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.