70 Presidents Day Jokes to Prove You’re the Comedian in Chief
Updated: Jun. 11, 2024
Presidents Day is meant to honor our nation's leaders, sure, but even more fun? Roasting them with these Presidents Day jokes.
Presidents Day jokes that bridge political parties
What do you call a funny politician? An oxymoron. Face it: Politics isn’t normally high on the humor list (especially not coming into a heated political season), but funny political jokes do exist. And there’s no better way to honor our country’s leaders than by roasting them with some sidesplitting Presidents Day jokes.
To celebrate the holiday, we rounded up some of the best jokes about—and from—presidents. Whether you’re looking for short president jokes, president jokes for kids or just some funny Presidents Day jokes to brighten your friends’ day, we’ve got you covered. Read on for a good chuckle.
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Short Presidents Day jokes
- What is the most unfair thing about the U.S. presidential election?
We get 50 choices for Miss America but only two for president.
- What’s the problem with political jokes?
They get elected for president.
- Which U.S. president got the job online?
Abraham LinkedIn.
- Which U.S. president starred in sci-fi movies?
Ronald Ray Gun.
- Why was Herbert Hoover the best president?
He gave a dam.
- In what state was George Washington born?
Naked and crying, just like the rest of us.
- How many senior presidential aides does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They are supposed to keep the president in the dark.
- Want to hear a politically incorrect joke?
President Ben Franklin walked into a bar…
- How did the elves get Bilbo Baggins elected for president?
By using propa-Gandalf.
- How can you tell the difference between a president and an actor?
One leads the land, while the other lands the lead.
- Which president holds the record for the shortest term?
Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty-second president.
- What did Franklin D. Roosevelt say after he dropped his pickle?
“I want a new dill.”
- What was the one issue the presidential candidate couldn’t overcome?
Gerrymandering was where he drew the line.
- Which U.S. presidents were the greenest?
The Bushes.
- How are presidents like diapers?
They need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- Which U.S. president bought the most gasoline?
Millard Fillmore.
- What is the rarest mythical creature?
A presidential candidate who is honest, smart and electable.
Here’s some presidential trivia for you: Before he became president, Abraham Lincoln was a bartender!
Funny Presidents Day jokes
- Why did the 38th president dine and dash?
He couldn’t a-Ford-it.
- Why did no one attend the president’s press conference at midnight?
Biden it was too late.
- What is Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable?
Barackoli.
- Why weren’t dogs allowed at the White House from 1989 to 1993?
The Secret Service was worried they’d chase the Quayles and pee on the Bushes.
- Which one of Washington’s generals had the best sense of humor?
Laugh-ayette.
- What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the 16th U.S. president?
Ape Lincoln.
- Who is in charge of the kitchen remodel at the White House?
The president’s Cabinet.
- What do you call George Washington’s false teeth?
Presidentures!
- How do you tell the difference between a presidential candidate and a chemistry professor?
Ask them to read this word aloud: unionized.
- Why did Barack Obama take all the writing instruments with him when he left the Oval Office?
Because Donald Trump was bringing his own Pence.
- What computer code should you use to write a song for a presidential candidate?
The Al Gore rhythm.
- What did the President say when he lost his notes before addressing the country?
Nothing. He was speechless.
- What should you do if Lincoln, Washington, Jefferson and Roosevelt all get poison ivy?
Rename it Mount Rashmore.
- Which president’s wife had to do the most laundry?
Mrs. Washington.
- Why did the president of the cheese company run for president of the United States?
So she could make America grate again.
Are you a political history buff? You’ll appreciate these laugh-out-loud funny history jokes.
Presidents Day jokes for kids
- Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?
Because he couldn’t lie.
- What would Thomas Jefferson be if he were alive today?
Really, really, really old!
- Who was the least guilty American president?
Lincoln. He’s in a cent.
- Why did the child decide he wanted to be president?
Because he heard that politics was full of parties.
- Where does the president get his hair cut?
Budget Cuts.
- Did you hear about the guy running for president with no body?
They say he’s ahead in the polls.
- Did you know our 13th president was a duck?
They called him Mallard Fillmore.
- Why did the quarter run for president?
So he could have a platform based on change.
- Boy: Hey, Dad, what was the 37th president’s favorite basketball team?
Father: The Knicks, son.
- Why did the 16th president always wear sunglasses outside?
Because he was always a-blinkin’.
- Where did the Founding Fathers sign the Declaration of Independence?
At the bottom.
- If we call Joe Biden’s wife the first lady, what do we call his mother?
Joe mama.
- How do you make the president laugh?
Challenge him to a poli-tickle debate.
These jokes for kids prove it’s never too early to learn about our country’s leaders—or laugh at them.
Funny quotes from presidents
- “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now: When people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” —President Jimmy Carter
- “It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.” —President Abraham Lincoln
- “Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession … and I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” —President Ronald Reagan
- “It was absolutely involuntary. They sank my boat!” —President John F. Kennedy, explaining to a child how he became a war hero
- “I know only two tunes. One of them is ‘Yankee Doodle,’ and the other one isn’t.” —President Ulysses S. Grant
- “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.’” —President Ronald Reagan
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” —President Abraham Lincoln
- “These days, I look in the mirror, and I have to admit I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” —President Barack Obama
- “In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a Congress.” —President John Adams
- “These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while, I even thought my staff believed it. There, on my schedule first thing every morning, it said, ‘intelligence briefing.’” —President George W. Bush
- “I don’t know whether [the White House] is the finest public housing in America or the Crown Jewel of the American penal system.” —President Bill Clinton
- “No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.” —President Abraham Lincoln
- “You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.” —President Harry S. Truman
- “Mitt Romney goes by his middle name. His first name is actually Willard. I wish I could use my middle name.” —President Barack Hussein Obama
- “You cannot trust everything you read on the internet.” —President Abraham Lincoln … or so the internet says
- When asked by the press around Christmastime in 1984 if there was anything he wanted for Christmas but didn’t get, President Ronald Reagan told the reporters, “Minnesota would have been nice.”
- A young woman seated next to President Calvin “Silent Cal” Coolidge at a dinner party confided in him that she had a bet that she could get at least three words out of him. Without looking at her, he quietly retorted, “You lose.”
These funny quotes prove one of two things: Presidents can be really funny, or they have great speechwriters.
President jokes that’ll win reelection
Fit for office
After the election, a young girl turns to her father and says, “I want to be the president when I grow up.”
Her dad replies, “Are you crazy? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you an idiot?”
“Never mind,” she replies. “There are too many requirements.”
Liar in chief
A woman goes to heaven and immediately sees a wall full of clocks. She asks an angel what they are for. “Each clock represents one human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock moves forward by one minute,” the angel explains.
The woman points to a clock and says, “Why has that one never moved?”
The angel replies, “That is the Pope’s clock, and it has never moved because he has never lied in his life.”
The woman points to the next clock, and the angel says, “That one is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. It’s only moved twice, which means Lincoln lied only twice.”
“Are there clocks for other presidents?” she asks.
“Yes,” the angel answers. “We use those as ceiling fans.”
Party lines
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced he was becoming a Democrat. “I can’t believe you’re doing this,” said his friend. “All of your life, you’ve been a staunch Republican. Why would you change now?”
“Because,” he said, “I would rather one of them die than one of us!”
Presidential diss
The president and his Cabinet all go to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter asks the president what he’d like to order. “A steak,” he says.
“And the vegetables?” the waiter asks.
The president replies, “They’ll have steak too.”
Tax refund
The president is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. “Give me all your money!” the mugger shouts.
The president retorts, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the president of the United States of America!”
The mugger shrugs and says, “Fine, give me all my money.”
Dressed for duty
The Obamas were in need of a quick costume for a Halloween party, so after conferring for a moment, the president motioned for the first lady to jump on his back. When they entered the party, one of the other guests asked, “What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a turtle,” President Obama said before pointing to his wife. “And that’s Mi-chelle.”
A match made on the campaign trail
A woman approached President Lincoln after a political speech. She reportedly said, “If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.”
To which Lincoln replied, “If you were my wife, I’d gladly drink it.”
Not in this lifetime
A man summons a genie and is offered one wish. “I wish to live forever,” he says.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t grant that wish,” the genie replies.
“Fine. I wish to die when a decent person is elected president.”
The genie sighs and says, “I guess you get both wishes then.”
Still chuckling? You’ll love these jokes told by U.S. presidents.
Why trust us
Reader’s Digest has been telling jokes for more than 100 years, curated and reviewed over the past 20 years by Senior Features Editor Andy Simmons, a humor editor formerly of National Lampoon and the author of Now That’s Funny. We’ve earned prestigious ASME awards for our humor—including comical quips, pranks, puns, cartoons, one-liners, knock-knock jokes, riddles, memes, tweets and stories in laugh-out-loud magazine columns such as “Life in These United States,” “All in a Day’s Work,” “Laughter, the Best Medicine” and “Humor in Uniform,” as well as online collections such as short jokes, dad jokes and jokes so bad, they’re great. You can find a century of humor in our 2022 compendium, Reader’s Digest: Laughter, the Best Medicine. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
