You may have the best of intentions, but you need to check yourself before uttering any of these backhanded compliments
17 Backhanded Compliments You Didn’t Realize Were Insulting
Updated Aug. 29, 2024
Are you guilty of giving backhanded compliments?
I’m a dance teacher in my spare time, and I’m known for wearing very fun and colorful outfits. Recently, someone at the gym where I teach looked me up and down and said, “Well, you certainly are … creative.” That comment stung, not going to lie. Why? Because it was the definition of a backhanded compliment.
“This is when someone says something that may sound nice on the surface but is actually a veiled insult or criticism,” says Jan Goss, an expert on etiquette rules and founder of Show Up Well consulting.
How do you know if someone is giving you a backhanded compliment? “It leaves you with a bad feeling,” she says. According to Goss, there are two types of backhanded compliments:
- Those done with malice: The person knows exactly what they are doing, and they’re trying to be hurtful without being obvious about it.
- Those done out of ignorance: The person is well-intended (and may even think they’re giving a great compliment) but might not understand the impact of their words.
How to respond to backhanded compliments
In case anyone needs to hear it, avoid giving purposefully mean compliments. Don’t be rude or passive-aggressive in this way, and if you are, learn healthier ways to communicate your feelings. It’s a little harder to know what to say when you’re on the receiving end of a maliciously rude compliment. “When you think someone is trying to be rude, the best way to deal with it is [with] silence with direct eye contact,” Goss says. “Or simply take the compliment at face value and say ‘Thanks’ without giving them the satisfaction of an emotional reaction.”
Of course, these “compliments” are often given out of ignorance, and if you’re not sure which category you’re dealing with, it’s best to assume ignorance rather than malice, she says. You can also ask directly: “What exactly did you mean by that? Are you trying to make me feel sad/embarrassed/worried?” If the person is trying to be subtly rude, this will force them to be open about their intentions or back off. And if they’re simply clueless, it may help them rethink their word choices, she says.
To help you figure out if you are giving or receiving a backhanded compliment, we asked Goss and eight other psychology experts to share what to avoid saying, what to say instead and what to say if you’re on the receiving end of a not-quite-nice remark. Read on for their expert advice for handling backhanded compliments.
Before you forward check these common phrases you should never start a sentence with.
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“You’re actually very articulate and well-spoken!”
This phrase is often accompanied by a sense of surprise, as if you didn’t expect the person to be articulate or well-spoken. And that’s what makes it so hurtful, Goss says. Why didn’t you expect them to speak well? Something about them—their age, hair color, mannerisms, socioeconomic status, gender or race—made you assume that they wouldn’t be as smart as they are. “Honestly, this reflects more poorly on you than it does on them,” she says.
What to say instead: “You did a great job on that speech—bravo!” Stick to the compliment and say it with an air of congratulations, Goss says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. I have a lot of practice and really enjoy public speaking.” If you’re feeling a little sassy, you could add, “Would you like some pointers?”
“Hey, you’re on time. Nice job!”
When you congratulate chronically late friends on arriving on time, you may think you’re rewarding good behavior. But your “compliment” will likely have the opposite effect. “You’re just pointing out that lateness is their norm and calling attention to that,” says Laura MacLeod, a licensed social worker and founder of From the Inside Out Project. “This also can come across as condescending.”
What to say instead: “Thanks so much for meeting me. It’s so good to see you.” If they are on time, there’s no need to call attention to it one way or the other, Goss says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. I appreciate you being on time as well. Should we get started?” This is one instance in which you should just take the higher ground and not get drawn into an argument, Goss says.
“Your new hairstyle makes you look so much younger!”
People love getting compliments on a new look, but when you add anything extra, you run the risk of pointing out that they looked worse before. In this scenario, you’re saying their old hairstyle made them look old, says Wyatt Fisher, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Colorado.
What to say instead: “Your new hairstyle looks great!” Avoid saying anything beyond that. “Just stick to the compliment; there’s no need to elaborate,” Fisher says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: A simple “Thanks!” is just fine, but if you’re feeling a little feisty, you could add, “I don’t mind looking my age. I worked hard to get here!” This is a gentle reminder that aging isn’t a bad thing and is, in fact, a privilege, Goss says.
“I left you alone with the kids all day, and you’re still in one piece. I wasn’t sure you were going to make it!”
Telling your spouse you’re so impressed with how they parent in a general way can make it seem like you’re surprised they’re managing at all, Fisher says. “This is more patronizing than complimentary,” he says.
That’s especially true when the primary parent (often the mom) “compliments” the other parent (often the dad). This one can be compounded by societal stereotypes about child care when the other parent buys into this “compliment” and responds, “You’re welcome—but you owe me for babysitting!”
What to say instead: “Thanks so much for all the time you spent with the kids today. You’re a great mom/dad!” Fisher adds that it’s also fine to compliment specific things—”It was great how you handled that tantrum so patiently”—but steer clear of general platitudes.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “I love spending time with our kids. They’re great.” However, if this backhanded compliment is a common response, you and your partner may benefit from having a longer conversation about household roles to avoid building resentment, he says.
“You’re stronger than this!”
When someone is going through something tough, you want to express your support and your confidence in their ability to handle it. Unfortunately, saying someone is strong enough to overcome a bad situation can come across as invalidating their feelings and struggles, Goss says. In a way, it’s saying that you understand what they’re going through better than they do.
Moreover, sometimes people don’t want to be “strong,” or they don’t feel like they can handle their challenges. When that’s the case, this comment can make them feel even less adequate because they’re not doing what they’re “supposed” to do.
What to say instead: “I care about you and am here to support you” or “Your feelings make a lot of sense. Let it out. I’m here to listen.” These are comforting and constructive things to say to someone who’s grieving or dealing with a disability.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thank you for your support” is all you need to say. “Depending on your relationship with the person, you may want to add a bit more about how you’re feeling and what you need,” Goss says, offering an example: “I’m not feeling very strong right now, and I’d love a listening ear if you have some time.”
“You’re a really good driver for a woman!”
This backhanded compliment has many nauseating variations and is often used as a subtle form of sexism, racism or other problematic biases, says Irina Baechle, a licensed social worker, relationship therapist and coach. “You’re so motivated … for a Black person.” “You’re in such good shape … for a mom.” “You’re so smart … for someone who’s never been to college.” In fact, she says that phrases like these are more than just “insulting compliments.” They can also be microaggressions you need to stop saying.
What to say instead: “You’re such a good driver/so motivated/in such good shape.” Leave it at that, Baechle says—you never need to follow with the phrase “for a…”
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. I take great pride in my driving skills.” Or if you feel like challenging the tired stereotype, you could add something like, “I’m not sure what being a woman has to do with it.”
“You did a fantastic job handling that entire project all on your own!”
You may be trying to give someone their hard-earned credit, but this is one of the things you shouldn’t say at work, as it can be a backhanded way of saying a co-worker isn’t a team player.
Besides, this is considered a compliment only by people living in societies that put a high importance on the individual, like the United States. For someone from a culture that values group or family success over individual achievement, this may be the opposite of a compliment. And it can make the recipient feel not only insulted but also humiliated, explains Jason Sackett, an executive coach and co-author of Compassion@Work: Creating Workplaces that Engage the Human Spirit.
What to say instead: “You did a great job on that project!” Yup, you can really just leave it at that.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. It was a lot of work, but I’m proud of how it turned out.” Starting a sentence with gratitude is always a good look, especially at work.
“Ugh, why are you so gorgeous all the time?!”
Who doesn’t like to hear that you find them attractive? A lot of people, it turns out. And while using this jokey tone is very popular on social media right now, it adds an element of jealousy and envy that can make the person feel, well, not complimented, Sackett says. Commenting on the appearance of someone who you don’t have a close personal relationship with—like a co-worker, casual acquaintance or stranger—can make them feel uncomfortable or even harassed, depending on the context, he says.
What to say instead: “You look so confident and happy. You’re glowing.” When in doubt, keep the person you’re complimenting in mind: “The most powerful (and safest) compliments are those that you know the recipient will feel connected to before you offer it,” he says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks.” And then change the subject. “There’s not much else you can say in response to this one,” Goss says, adding that you should resist the urge to be self-deprecating by saying something like, “Oh, no I’m not. I’m so gross right now!” or “You’re so much prettier than me.”
“Congrats on the A! Looks like you’re smarter than we all thought!”
Showing surprise for someone’s achievement isn’t being nice; it’s an insult dressed up as a compliment. In this case, while congratulating someone on a high grade, you’re also saying that you had low expectations of them—or that you thought they were dumb.
OK, but what if you reworded to something like, “Congrats on the A! You’ve always been so smart”? Complimenting your child for doing something well is parenting 101, right? Turns out, complimenting their achievements can seriously backfire, making them think that’s all you care about, says Amy McManus, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “It’s more important to compliment your children on the actions that reflect your family’s values, like persistence in the face of discouragement, helping others or working hard toward a goal.”
This isn’t just true for kids, however. Adults also do better when you compliment them on something they’ve done rather than something you think they are, Goss says.
What to say instead: “Congratulations on earning that grade. I know how hard you studied and worked on your final project, and all that hard work paid off.” This highlights something the person has control over—their work ethic—rather than an innate gift.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thank you. I worked really hard and learned a lot.” Children may not know how to respond to this type of compliment, so as an adult, you can model good behavior by replying in a way that highlights what they did, Goss says.
“You’re so brave to wear that.”
“Nobody says this to a hot model wearing a bikini or a quirky outfit, so when someone says it to you, it makes you wonder what they’re really trying to say,” Goss says. This backhanded compliment essentially says you don’t think someone looks good in that outfit—or that you don’t think they’re beautiful by conventional standards. Either way, it’s best avoided. The idea that people are supposed to hide their bodies and blend in unless they fit a certain standard of beauty needs to die.
What to say instead: “You look fabulous in that outfit! You have a great eye for color.” Compliment what you love about how they put together what they’re wearing and leave any other commentary out of it, Goss says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. I think everyone should wear what makes them feel happy.”
“You look great for your age!”
When you tell someone they look great for their age, the subtext is they don’t look pretty or handsome in general, just in comparison to wizened crones. It’s subtly insulting their looks, according to our experts. Age is beautiful.
What to say instead: “You look so happy and lovely!” When it comes to etiquette around aging, leave off the qualifier—”for your age”—and tell them they look great, period.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. I’m really enjoying life these days.” The emphasis should be on how happy, healthy or beautiful you are feeling, not your number of years.
“You’re so pretty! How are you still single?”
There’s nothing single people love more than being publicly and repeatedly reminded of their single status, right? Of course not. Add in a bewildering “but you’re so pretty,” and you’re implying that not only are they sad spinsters, but there must be something else wrong with them keeping them that way.
What to say instead: “You’re such a lovely person inside and out.” As a rule, don’t comment on someone else’s relationship status unless they bring up the topic first—it’s advice etiquette and relationship experts can agree on.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “I appreciate the thought—how are you doing these days?” If you want to stay polite but avoid getting into your single status, redirection is the name of the game. “Distraction is the best way to get someone to move on from a topic you don’t want to discuss,” Goss says, “and people love it when you ask them about themselves.”
“You are a saint for having so many kids!”
This “compliment” reads both as an insult to their reproductive choices—”You have too many kids”—and to their children, implying they must be a saint to deal with them. “It is common for people to hide judgments on life choices in compliments,” says Susan Henney, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Houston-Downtown. “We want to be polite, but we also want our opinion to be heard.”
What to say instead: “What a beautiful family you have!” That’s the beginning and end of what you can politely say about someone else’s family, Goss says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thank you. We sure love them.” Don’t feel obligated to explain your reproductive choices to anyone, she adds.
“You have such a pretty face. You should smile more.”
Ah, the dreaded “you should smile more” suggestion. When you say this, what you’re really saying is, “Buck up, you grump. I’m in a good mood, so you should be too.” That assumes everyone is just like you or is having exactly the same kind of day as you, Henney says.
“Since it is often said from men to women, it can also be interpreted as the female not pleasing the male by being charming and agreeable at all times,” she says. It’s just one example of everyday expressions you didn’t know were sexist.
What to say instead: “You have such a beautiful smile.” Bottom line: You are not in charge of other people’s moods, Henney says. Want someone to smile? Pay them a genuine compliment or tell them a joke.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks.” Keep your expression the same when you say it too. “You don’t need to smile on command,” Goss says.
“Wow, you’ve lost so much weight. You look so much better!”
Weight is such a sensitive topic for people that you really shouldn’t give unsolicited comments about a person’s shape or size, even if you think you’re being kind, says John Moore, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist in Chicago. “I’ve had clients, both women and men, cry in my office because they were told something just like this. It can be devastating,” he explains.
What to say instead: “You look great! What’s new with you?” Follow the other person’s cues, Moore says. If they want to talk about their weight loss, they will bring it up.
How to respond if someone says this to you: A terse “thanks” is plenty, or you can explain a bit more, saying, “Thanks, but my weight is something I prefer not to discuss,” Goss says.
“You look great for having three kids. I never would have guessed you were a mom!”
This backhanded compliment is a double whammy of awful, combining conditional praise with uncomfortable stereotypes. What this compliment is really saying is that you expect moms to look terrible and this person exceeded your low expectations. “Do people expect women to turn into trolls once they’ve had a child?” Goss asks.
What to say instead: “I’m so happy to see you. How are your kids doing?” Don’t tie a compliment to someone’s parenting status unless you’re directly complimenting a specific aspect of their parenting—and even then, be wary. Many parenting compliments can come across as judgmental, she says.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks, but you must not have seen my minivan when I drove in!” A little humor can go a long way in diffusing the tension in situations like this, Goss says.
“You look so pretty with makeup on!”
Do you mean to say that they don’t look attractive to you unless they paint over their natural features? Because that’s how many people will take this so-called compliment. There’s nothing wrong with wearing makeup or complimenting someone’s makeup—just don’t imply that they’re hideous without it, says Shira Taylor Gura, a well-being coach, author and host of the podcast You Can Handle Anything.
What to say instead: “I love that eyeshadow look. It really highlights your eyes.” Stick to compliments specific to the makeup, rather than their appearance.
How to respond if someone says this to you: “Thanks. I enjoy wearing makeup sometimes, but I hope no one ever feels like they need to wear it.” It’s subtle, but it gets the point across: You don’t need makeup to look nice.
About the experts
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Reader’s Digest has published hundreds of etiquette stories that help readers navigate communication in a changing world. We regularly cover topics such as the best messages to send for any occasion, polite habits that aren’t as polite as they seem, email and texting etiquette, business etiquette, tipping etiquette, travel etiquette and more. We’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions, as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. For this piece on backhanded compliments, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in etiquette and communication for Reader’s Digest. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Jan Goss, etiquette expert and CEO and founder of Show Up Well consulting; phone interview, Aug. 15, 2024
- Laura MacLeod, licensed social worker and founder of From the Inside Out Project; interview, October 2020
- Wyatt Fisher, PhD, licensed psychologist in Colorado; interview, October 2020
- Irina Baechle, licensed social worker, relationship therapist and coach; interview, October 2020
- Jason Sackett, licensed clinical social worker, executive coach and co-author of Compassion@Work; interview, October 2020
- Amy McManus, licensed marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles; interview, October 2020
- Susan Henney, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Houston-Downtown; interview, October 2020
- John Moore, PhD, licensed psychotherapist in Chicago; interview, October 2020
- Shira Taylor Gura, well-being coach, author and host of the podcast You Can Handle Anything; interview, October 2020
Originally Published: October 26, 2020
