Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Tone Deaf
"Why?" I asked.
"Because," he explained, "with a clarinet, she can't sing along."
Too Old to Move
Carolyn shrugged. "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
Trouble Speaking
"Don't worry," she whispered back. "I won't tell anyone."
Understanding the Message
Finally he mastered it and his mother cheered, "That's great! Now sit there. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
What did the sign say? "Children must not be left unattended."
Unreal
She admitted the decisions she made and advice she gave as a mother were based on hope and instinct rather than any certainty of what was best. I agreed, but said our parents probably felt the same way—and we hadn't turned out too badly.
"Yeah," she replied. "But we had real parents. Our kids just have us."
I understood exactly what she meant.
—Contributed by John R. Griffin
Unwanted Fashion
"Oh, honey," she responded, "I really don't care about the details."
Later she woke from a nap and grasped my hand, clearly wanting to share something with me. As I leaned forward, she said urgently, "Just don't bury me in plaid."
Unwanted Mess
"You Don't Have to Sleep With That Drip Tonight."
"You Don't Have to Sleep With That Drip Tonight."
Volume Control
Impressed, my husband asked, "How did you fix it?"
"I turned up the volume on the radio," I confessed.
Watching the Game
In a few minutes, one of the men got up and came toward our table. "Excuse me," he said. Then he reached over our heads to turn up the volume on the televised ball game.
Waving Hand
Weight Guessing
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes, it's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?"
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
Well Mannered
"What do you say?" she said.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Winter Migration
Wrong Message
When we sat down to dinner, he gave it to me, asked me to open it and— surprise—out came the tune to "The old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be."
Wrong Purchase
One day during lunch with them, I was having trouble following the conversation. Finally I leaned over to one of my sisters and asked what had just been said.
"You should have brought along your pontoon boat," she replied
Young Competitor
One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed opponent after opponent, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed.
"How old are you?" I typed.
"Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?"
Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Eight."
Younger Than the Truth
Without pausing, Emily's mother said, "Twenty-four." Emily, 35, nearly fainted on the spot.
After everyone had said their good-byes, Emily asked her mother why she'd told such a whopper.
"Well," she replied, "I've been lying about my age for so long, it suddenly dawned on me that I'd have to start lying about yours too."
A Fuzzy Outlook
"And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" I probed.
"Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I really don't know."
A Holy Misunderstanding
When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."
Animal Issues
The driver had put "Full gallop."
Answering Your Own Question
Three weeks later the head of the physics department called the research assistant into his office and said, "We have a request from an encyclopedia company. One of their customers has asked for a report on the thermodynamic properties of wood. Please prepare the report for them."
Assembly Line
Boring Request
Business Wardrobe
Caffeinated
"That's probably because there's a Starbucks on every corner," she observed.
Caffeine Operated
"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.
A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
Car Trouble
At school, he handed me a pen and the note, which read: "Marc is late this morning due to car trouble. The trouble is, Marc doesn't have his own car, and his mom drives too slowly."
Change in Appearance
"That's my mom," Joshua answered.
"Wow," the man said, "my mother doesn't look like that."
"Yeah," my son said, "well, neither does mine."
Cheap Ticket
Chicken Scratch
"The patient refused autopsy."
"The patient has no previous history of suicides."
"She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"She is numb from her toes down."
"Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
"Discharge status: Alive but without my permission."
Class Act
One of my D students surprised me with this one: "After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show."
Color Problems
The woman who sent in the negative was furious when she got the picture of the tan poodle, which, she informed the lab, she had dyed green.
Computer Talk
Contradiction
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn't work.)
WE CAN FIX ANYTHING. (Please knock on the door—the bell doesn't work.)
Disloyal Customer
The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years. One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium. "And by the way, I've spent a lot of money at your store over the years," he said. "I think I should get a discount."
"Only our owner can give a discount," I explained, "and he won't be in until tomorrow."
When the customer said that he'd come in the next day, I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with.
"Sure," he said. "Where is your store located?"
Doctor's Order
I was in the next room, cleaning up a newly sutured wound, when I realized he hadn't given instructions for a bandage. I poked my head out the door and asked, "What kind of dressing do you want on that?"
"Ranch," he replied.
Double Decker
I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one too?"
It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.
Embarassing Mix Up
Students at Iowa State University proved once and for all that the computer just can't replace human calculations. They held an "IBM mixer" dance, where each student fed his vital statistics and interests into a computer and was then paired off with a member of the opposite sex who, the computer said, was most suited to him.
Imagine the chagrin of one coed who ended up with her twin brother.
Eye Candy
When they got up to leave, Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"
Fashion Forward
Fast Video
"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched the whole thing."
"Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."
Finding a Way Out
"I'll get it, Daddy," Lauren called, nimbly crawling under the newly erected barrier.
Fitting Into Small Spaces
Knowing he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support. "Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"
He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."
Fruity Fragrance
Getting an Eyefull
Getting the Cold Shoulder
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order. "Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."
Hard Scrubber
"Do you have a small boy in your family?" she asked.
"Why yes," I said, looking rather puzzled.
"I thought so," my patient said. "That's exactly the way you're washing my face."
Innocent Victim
Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!" The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
Jail Time
He looked at me, thought a moment, then asked, "How long would you have to stay?"
Larger Than Life
With a smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
Like Father Like Son
Mystified, I led him to an examining room. "While we were on our way home," he began, "I was looking at that little tire and wondering, how on earth did my son get this thing stuck up his nose and…"
It took just a few seconds to get the tire out of Dad's nose.
Lisp
The next day when the boss went to the men's room, he saw another sign had been placed immediately above the soap dispenser.
It read: "Thoap!"
Locked Out
"Is there another door I could use?"
Look-a-Likes
Katie replied, "I think it's my uncle Brian."
Loss Over Technology
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my Palm Pilot in there."
Male and Female
The faculty was enthusiastic—except for one veteran professor. Not only did he flunk the primer course, but on his first project, when he asked the machine simply to separate the names of students by sex, the cards came out in three stacks.
Math Calculation
Misunderstood
Money Line
"We kept passing the money to the last guy," he said. "We figured you'd get here sooner or later."
More Than Welcomed
Mouse Trap
My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn't see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle.
"How do you get out of here?" Jim asked.
The fellow looked up from his desk, smiled and said, "No cheese for you."
Muscially Challenged
Musical Dummy
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Not So Advanced
Not Very Helpful
"I can't help you," she briskly replied, barely slowing down. "I work in customer service." And she walked away.
Numbing
Nut Case
Office Meeting
Immediately, several voices from surrounding cubicles called out, "Yes, we do."
On the Run
"From a mailing list I purchased from a supplier," I told him. "Why?"
"It used my real name, and I'm in the Witness Protection Program. What's the name of the company?"
I didn't want to say it, but I had to tell him the truth: Moving Targets.
One Big Thanks
Then my friend got a cold dose of reality as he continued: "because my dad is so short."
One Hot Description
After a long pause, the driver replied, "My car is the one on fire."