Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Forgetful
"There's one good thing that'll come from this," he told my father.
"What's that?" asked Dad.
"Now I can hide my own Easter eggs."
Four Eyes
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Fun in the Sun
My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool.
After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?"
Getting Older
"You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" I jokingly said to her.
"Don't worry about it," she replied. "In four years it'll look good to you."
Getting the Blues
Soon she came out, limping slightly and pretty upset. The problem wasn't the size of her pants; she had stubbed her toe in the dressing room.
Giving In
His friend nodded. "I like women who get mad like that."
Going Unnoticed
When I showed him the photographs, his face lit up. "Wow! It's my old Plymouth."
Going up in Age
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," replied my friend. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"
Great Findings
Hairy Situation
Hard Worker
"Really?" he said. "What's your major?"
Held Hostage
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
Homebody
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Honesty is the Best Policy
"But I couldn’t find you," the friend concluded, "so I forged your signature."
Imaginary Friend
Later that evening my son walked in the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
Impossible Questions
As briefly as possible, I tried to explain the concept of infinity. I thought I had done pretty well, but then he said, "Dad, what number comes just before infinity?"
Jumper
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the ground."
Just Like Family
"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously, "and you look just like my dad."
Keeping Up
Our dear friend Trudy attended my husband's birthday party. Though she's been through a lot—including a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery—Trudy was the life of the party as usual. Hugging her good-bye, I couldn't help noticing she had nothing on under her blouse.
"Trudy, you're not wearing a bra!" I whispered.
With a twinkle in her eye she replied, "I may be 70, honey, but they're only 15."
Like Mother Like Daughter
When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and said, "Elizabeth! Don't you think that blouse is awfully low-cut?"
Local Traveler
"It's my passport picture," she revealed.
"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"
"Walgreens," she replied.
Looking Into the Future
After their stares became uncomfortable, we turned toward them. One of the women said, "Don't mind us. We just wanted to see how we'd look in another ten years."
Losing Things
"It's not that simple," the clerk scolded. "You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search."
"Okay," I said. "I'll take one."
He rummaged under his counter, then went to some other clerks who did the same—only to return and confess, "You'll have to come back later. We can't find the forms."
Lost and Found
Loud and Clear
While on the freeway in Los Angeles, I was behind a pack of cars. The last driver was on the phone and drifting all over the road. This did not escape the attention of a California Highway Patrol officer, who snuck up behind her and said over his loudspeaker, "If you can't stay in your lane while on the phone, pull over until the call is completed."
Immediately eight cars pulled over.
Loud and Clear
When they went downstairs to rejoin the party, they were greeted with an awkward silence — except for the occasional murmurings of the sleeping baby that came from the infant monitor sitting on the table.
Loud Noises
"I just got my first pair of glasses," she said, and paused as her two preschool boys thundered past her. "Now, if only my hearing would go."
Loud Ticking
"Well, judging by my mother," I said, "at least my hearing will improve. My mother can hear my biological clock ticking from 200 miles away."
Matched Up
All eyes were on him when he said, "Oh, Cindy and I met in college. We were matched up by a computer according to compatibility."
"That's the whole story?" my wife asked incredulously.
"Oh, no," he replied with a grin. "They've fixed the computer since then."
Matchmaker
"Actually," she confessed, "I have another reason for doing this. When I told my mother you were a widower, she wanted to see what you look like."
Misfortune
Days later, a former classmate called. "Sure was a sad thing, wasn't it?" he said. "You know, Ted's boating accident and all."
Missing Number
Moving Forward
Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career.
"Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it."
"But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years."
"I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?"
Nervous for Different Reasons
When I moved to California, I was a nervous wreck about earthquakes. My friend Linda, who was born and raised there, was completely blasé. I remember once when we pulled up to a light, her Honda began to shake.
She looked worried until I stammered, "I think that we're having an earthquake."
"Thank goodness," Linda said. "I thought something was wrong with my car."
Never Going Away
Noticing my surprise, the coach said, "That record will stand forever."
I was about to make some modest disclaimer that records exist to be broken, when he added, "We stopped holding that event years ago."
New Technology
"What will they think of next?" she said in astonishment. "Pretty soon we won't need copy machines anymore."
No Going Back
No Labor Required
Noticing Changes
My husband stood there rubbing his face as he let me rant and rave. Then it hit me: He'd shaved off his six-month-old beard.
Old Timer
"In lieu of a birth certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."
Old Timer
About a month later, while my husband was wearing his shirt, a young man approached him. "Did you really hike the canyon?" he asked.
My husband beamed with pride and answered, "Sure did!"
"No kidding!" the fellow said. "What year?"
One Big Mess
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Her astrological sign is the one for earth. Mine is the one for water. Together we made mud."
One Hundred Times Over
One Icy Trip
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the Hoh Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."
The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half mile.
Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery, and it read: "Ice 50¢."
One Year Away
When a woman I know turned 99 years old, I went to her birthday party and took some photos. A few days later, I brought the whole batch of prints to her so she could choose her favorite.
"Good Lord," she said as she was flipping through them, "I look like I'm a hundred."
Ordering In
She looked at me bewildered and replied, "But I didn't order milk."
Out of Tune
A few minutes later, the car passed her and she again glanced at it. The little boy held up the same sign and this time followed it with another, which read "My mother is singing!"
Overly Cautious
—Contributed by Zachary Gibbs
Painful Love
"Are you serious?" I asked, laughing.
"Of course I'm serious," he said. "I'm on my bad knee."
Parking Accident
"No. I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking spot?"
Party Animal
"Have fun," he said with a straight face, "but don't go overboard."
Pizza Order
A few minutes later it rang again. I heard him say, "One with pepperoni and extra cheese and one with sausage. Pick up in 20 minutes."
"What was that?" I asked.
"I took his order. Now we can sleep."
Restaurant Directions
Although I am of Chinese descent, I never really learned to speak Chinese. One evening, I came home boasting about a wonderful meal I’d had in Chinatown. Unfortunately, I couldn’t remember the name of the restaurant, but was able to write the Chinese character that was on the door and show it to my mother.
"Do you know what it says?" Mom asked with a smile. "It says 'Pull'."
Rolling Around
Rough Times
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
Running Out of Time
One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all the talk about a woman's "biological clock." After I'd finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot up.
"Mrs. Woodard," a student asked, "is your clock still ticking, or has the alarm gone off?"
School Supplies
Seeing Problems
At the optometrist's office, the doctor's young assistant pointed to an eye chart. "Cover your right eye and read line three," she said.
"I'm blind in my right eye," I told her. "It's a glass eye."
"Okay," she responded. "In that case, cover your left eye."
Sharp Eyes
The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance. "See that little sign about three blocks away?" he asked.
"You mean the red one that says industrial center?" I asked.
"Man!" he exclaimed. "You've got eyes like an eagle!"
Sharp Thinker
I wanted to thank the friend who sent the card, but I couldn't. She forgot to sign it.
Shoe Hanger
The Emergency Medical Service team arrived shortly thereafter, only to see an exhausted mother holding her beautiful daughter—with a tennis shoe dangling on the cord between them!
Sick Habit
Silent Treatment
He looked confused. 'What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said. "I just thought we were getting along."
Smart in Some Areas
Smelly Situation
As I waited, I was grateful my problem wasn't worse—especially when I heard a pre-recorded message repeatedly advise, "If you smell gas, stay on the line."
Smokey Dinner Call
Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, I asked them to identify the sound.
"It's the smoke detector," they replied in unison.
"Do you know what that sound means?" I demanded.
"Sure," my oldest replied. "Dinner's ready."
Steered in the Wrong Direction
Stock Talk
Drifting off to sleep, he drowsily whispered back, "Your dividend growth fund went up three days this week."
Surprising Birthday Present
"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I have a daughter who turned two a couple days before the same date."
After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."
Table Manners
I cleaned the table and left to do my grocery shopping. When I came home I couldn't set my bags down anywhere. Sitting in the middle of the kitchen table was a car muffler.
Temperature Issues
When she shook her head no, we hesitated, wondering if we should push on to the next town. Sensing our doubt, she brightened as she came up with a solution. "Just turn on the heater," she suggested. "Our customers tell us all that comes out is cold air anyway."
The Mysterious Sender
The delivery truck hadn't even returned to the store when the phone rang. It was the customer's wife. "Who sent the flowers?" she asked.
After explaining that the customer had requested that no card be included, I considered the matter closed—but not so. A bit later, she came rushing in the front door. "You've got to tell me who sent the flowers," she demanded, "before my husband gets home."