During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps. One tap meant "Give...
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Test Case
I was waiting in the office of our lone, overworked doctor when a local repairman, father of seven children, dashed in looking worried and distraught.
To the nurse he explained, "My kids are all sick with some kind of bug. I know that Doc is too busy for me to bring 'em all in here, but I wondered if I could bring in one for a sample?"
To the nurse he explained, "My kids are all sick with some kind of bug. I know that Doc is too busy for me to bring 'em all in here, but I wondered if I could bring in one for a sample?"
I was waiting in the office of our lone, overworked doctor when a local repairman, father of seven children, dashed in looking worried and distraught. To the nurse he explained,...
The Missing Shoe
One evening my husband's golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.
Later that night my husband's friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
Later that night my husband's friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.
"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"
One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided...
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The Right Marriage
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
"Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I'm still ahead," I said.
She looked mystified. "How do you figure?"
"I married better," I replied.
My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SATs and make more money than you," she pointed out. "Yeah,...
Thinking Workouts
There is a woman at my health club who always begins her workout with sit-ups and leg-lifts. One afternoon she entered the exercise room and, as usual, lay down on the slant board as if she were about to do sit-ups. This time, though, she did none. Instead, she turned around on the board and positioned herself for leg-lifts.
Again she stayed there for several moments without doing a single exercise. Finally she got up and headed out of the room. As she walked past me, she said, "Thinking about it was enough for today."
Again she stayed there for several moments without doing a single exercise. Finally she got up and headed out of the room. As she walked past me, she said, "Thinking about it was enough for today."
There is a woman at my health club who always begins her workout with sit-ups and leg-lifts. One afternoon she entered the exercise room and, as usual, lay down on...
Third Times a Charm
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one like it's your own!"
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be...
Throwing Your Money Away
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.
“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”
Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum....
Til' Death Do Us Part
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band.
"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."
"Why don't you ever wear your ring?" I asked.
"It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied.
"I know," I said. "It's supposed to."
Soon after we were married, my husband, Paul, stopped wearing his wedding band. "Why don’t you ever wear your ring?" I asked. "It cuts off my circulation," Paul replied. "I...
Time Confusion
My wife, Dolores, never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room and asked to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, ma'am," the soldier advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"
My wife, Dolores, never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room and asked to speak with me. The person who answered...
Tough Dentist
A Navy dentist’s license plate:
“TOP GUM.”
“TOP GUM.”
A Navy dentist’s license plate:
“TOP GUM.”
“TOP GUM.”
Traveling Answering Machine
In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay. He searched and called for the bird, with no luck.
The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller asked. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’”
Nicky’s cage had been kept in the same room as Mark’s answering machine.
The next day when Mark returned from work, the phone rang. “Is this Mark?” The caller asked. “You’re going to think this is crazy, but there’s a bird outside on my balcony saying, ‘Hello, this is Mark.’ Then it recites this phone number and says, ‘I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you will leave a message at the tone, I will call you back.’”
Nicky’s cage had been kept in the same room as Mark’s answering machine.
In good weather, my friend Mark always let his yellow-naped Amazon parrot, Nicky, sit on the balcony of his tenth-floor apartment. One morning, Nicky flew away, much to Mark’s dismay....
Traveling Birds
In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:
"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."
"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."
In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:
"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."
"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."
True Colors
As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut the grass dressed like this?" I asked.
Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They'd say I married you for your money."
Giving me a casual glance, she replied, "They'd say I married you for your money."
As I was stepping into the shower after an afternoon of yard work, my wife walked into the bathroom. "What do you think the neighbors would say if I cut...
Unable to Drink
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” the snake asks.
“Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
“Why not?” the snake asks.
“Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, buddy. I can’t serve you.” “Why not?” the snake asks. “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Unattractive
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
We brought our newborn son, Adam, to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I bet...
Unattractive Undergarments
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried...
Unconscious
Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school's football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn't move.
We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
We grabbed our first-aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man's hand and urged, "Son, can you hear me? Squeeze once for yes and twice for no."
Standing on the sidelines, during a game being played by my school’s football team, I saw one of the players take a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and...
Under the Knife
My sister and I were out on the town one night when we ran into a man I knew. "You're sisters?" he asked incredulously. "You look nothing alike.
Pointing to her nose and my chin, my sister said, "Different plastic surgeons."
Pointing to her nose and my chin, my sister said, "Different plastic surgeons."
My sister and I were out on the town one night when we ran into a man I knew. "You’re sisters?" he asked incredulously. "You look nothing alike. Pointing to...
Unnamed
When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to undergo a cesarean procedure. After the operation, I handed her the newborn child and declared, "Congratulations! You have a healthy baby boy."
Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"
Still a little groggy from the anesthesia, she responded, "That's great. What's his name?"
When I was on duty in the maternity ward, one of my patients was a woman who was having her first child. Because of her medical situation, she had to...
Unprofessional
A friend living in an isolated Montana mining town suspected that she wasn't getting the best dental care. Her first trip to a competent dentist in Butte confirmed her suspicions.
After a thorough examination the dentist asked but one question: "Been doing your own work?"
After a thorough examination the dentist asked but one question: "Been doing your own work?"
A friend living in an isolated Montana mining town suspected that she wasn’t getting the best dental care. Her first trip to a competent dentist in Butte confirmed her suspicions....
Unskilled Sailor
While waiting for a flight, I glanced over at a nearby couple. He was reading the United States Sailing Association's book, Basic Cruising.
She was reading Adrift: 76 Days Lost at Sea.
She was reading Adrift: 76 Days Lost at Sea.
While waiting for a flight, I glanced over at a nearby couple. He was reading the United States Sailing Association’s book, Basic Cruising. She was reading Adrift: 76 Days Lost...
Unused Equipment
Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in the garage. She explained that she wanted a stationary one.
"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That's why you need to lose ten pounds."
"Your bicycle has been stationary," I remarked. "That's why you need to lose ten pounds."
Hoping to lose some weight, my wife told me she wanted to get an exercise bicycle. I reminded her that she had a very nice and rather expensive bike in...
Video Game Lessons
While attending a laser seminar for obstetric and gynecologic surgeons, I found a booth where the doctors were encouraged to practice their laser skills on animal tissues. One young intern used an excellent technique dissecting a membrane.
"Where did you learn that?" I asked her. "Labs? Seminars? Conferences?"
"No way," she replied. "Nintendo!"
"Where did you learn that?" I asked her. "Labs? Seminars? Conferences?"
"No way," she replied. "Nintendo!"
While attending a laser seminar for obstetric and gynecologic surgeons, I found a booth where the doctors were encouraged to practice their laser skills on animal tissues. One young intern...
Waiting Room Call
When an increased patient load began to overwhelm our hospital's emergency room, we initiated a triage system to ensure that the most critical people were treated first. However, some of the less seriously ill patients occasionally had to wait as long as several hours before they could be seen. Complaints were common.
One day, trauma cases abounded, and the wait was particularly long. A police officer came in and approached the unit clerk. "I hate to tell you this," he said apologetically, "but we just got a 911 call from your waiting room."
One day, trauma cases abounded, and the wait was particularly long. A police officer came in and approached the unit clerk. "I hate to tell you this," he said apologetically, "but we just got a 911 call from your waiting room."
When an increased patient load began to overwhelm our hospital’s emergency room, we initiated a triage system to ensure that the most critical people were treated first. However, some of...
War on Fat
I called a video shop to order the war movie Battle of the Bulge.
"Hold on," said the clerk. "I'll check our aerobics tapes."
"Hold on," said the clerk. "I'll check our aerobics tapes."
I called a video shop to order the war movie Battle of the Bulge.
"Hold on," said the clerk. "I'll check our aerobics tapes."
"Hold on," said the clerk. "I'll check our aerobics tapes."
Weighting Around
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck.
Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."
Finally I thought I had found one. I asked the receptionist if the hotel had a weight room.
"No," she replied, "but we have a lobby and you can wait there."
A colleague was planning a trip to my business office and asked if I could find him a hotel with exercise facilities. I called several hotels, with no luck. Finally...
What Really Matters
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi–annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn't seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time,...
Worry Wart
After ten years of widowhood, I remarried. Leaving work one wintry evening, I told a colleague that it was very gratifying to once again have someone worry about me if the roads were icy. My new husband would be awaiting my arrival, I said, and would hurry out to meet me at the car.
I couldn't have been more right. As I pulled into the driveway, my husband burst out the door and came up to me. Rubbing our new car, he anxiously queried, "Did you get salt on it?"
I couldn't have been more right. As I pulled into the driveway, my husband burst out the door and came up to me. Rubbing our new car, he anxiously queried, "Did you get salt on it?"
After ten years of widowhood, I remarried. Leaving work one wintry evening, I told a colleague that it was very gratifying to once again have someone worry about me if...
Wrong Bar
My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where she could change and told an instructor would soon be with her.
Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.
Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
Having changed her clothes, Aunt Flora went back to the exercise area. Along one wall she noticed a silver bar that was not in use, and decided to try her hand at chin-ups while she waited. She jumped up, barely reaching the bar, and managed to strain through two chin-ups before the instructor came to her side.
Smiling politely, the instructor said, "If you want to let go of the coat rack and follow me, I'll be glad to help you get started."
My diminutive aunt Flora, just four feet, nine inches tall, accepted an offer to visit a health club for a free session. After being greeted heartily, she was shown where...
Wrong Cure
The commercial for Viagra with the middle-aged men running happily through the streets to the song "We Are the Champions" came on while my husband and ten-year-old son were watching TV. After seeing these jubilant men kicking up their heels, my son turned to his father and said, "Dad, would you be that happy if you got rid of your heartburn?"
The commercial for Viagra with the middle-aged men running happily through the streets to the song "We Are the Champions" came on while my husband and ten-year-old son were watching...
Wrong Customer
A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" he asked.
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on the shoulder. "Did that help?" he asked.
"I don't know," the startled man replied. "I'll have to ask my wife. She's waiting in the car."
Without warning, the pharmacist reached over and smacked the man on the shoulder. "Did that help?" he asked.
"I don't know," the startled man replied. "I'll have to ask my wife. She's waiting in the car."
A fellow walked into a drugstore and headed to the back to speak with the pharmacist. "Do you have anything for hiccups?" he asked. Without warning, the pharmacist reached over...
Wrong Snake
When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on snakes. An agitated student ran to fetch him, urging him to come quickly, as a dangerous snake was loose, terrorizing everyone in the building.
The professor leisurely strolled out into the hall, examined the snake from head to tail, and calmly returned to his office. “It’s not one of mine,” he said, and closed the door.
The professor leisurely strolled out into the hall, examined the snake from head to tail, and calmly returned to his office. “It’s not one of mine,” he said, and closed the door.
When a rattlesnake got loose in the second-floor hall of the science building at my university, it created quite a furor. Fortunately, one of the professors was an expert on...
You Are What You Are
During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given the day off for Rosh Hashanah.
A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. "Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.
A few days later in anticipation of Yom Kippur, the drill sergeant again asked for all Jewish personnel to ID themselves. This time, every soldier raised his hand. "Only the personnel who were Jewish last week can be Jewish this week," declared the sergeant.
During basic training, our drill sergeant asked for a show of hands of all Jewish personnel. Six of us tentatively raised our hands. Much to our relief, we were given...
Yummy Giveaway
I was in a department store when I heard on the public-address system that the optical department was offering free ice cream. I headed down the escalator to take advantage of the offer, trying to decide on vanilla or chocolate. I was nearly drooling when I got to the optical section and said to the clerk, "I'm here for my ice cream."
"Ice cream?" came the reply. "Sorry. What we have is a free eye screening."
"Ice cream?" came the reply. "Sorry. What we have is a free eye screening."
I was in a department store when I heard on the public-address system that the optical department was offering free ice cream. I headed down the escalator to take advantage...
A Lot of Work for Nothing
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have something called a freeze plug replaced—a job that took two days. Then I discovered the battery was dead and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too.
Days later I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good for many more miles."
"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
Days later I proudly handed the woman her keys saying, "Now your car is good for many more miles."
"Thanks," she said. "All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to the dealer. I'm trading it in tomorrow."
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have something called a freeze plug replaced—a...
A Mouthful
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."
The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."
During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize...
Age Difference
Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger. Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we instinctively raised our cigarette lighters, like all good rock fans I grew up with. But looking around me, I noticed that times had indeed changed.
The mostly under-25 crowd was swaying to the upraised glow of their cell phones.
The mostly under-25 crowd was swaying to the upraised glow of their cell phones.
Rock concerts are a little different now than when I was younger. Recently, I went to a concert with some friends. As the band started to play a ballad, we...
Age Tells All
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally he asked, "Those your kids?"
"They sure are," I said with pride.
"They adopted?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally he asked, "Those your kids?"
"They sure are," I said with pride.
"They adopted?"
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has...
Aging
I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead.
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
"Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
I was having trouble with the idea of turning thirty and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I...
Aging Recovery
I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that I was finally recovering when she announced excitedly, "Look, your wrinkles are coming back!"
I was hospitalized with an awful sinus infection that caused the entire left side of my face to swell. On the third day, the nurse led me to believe that...
Airplane Confusion
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.
Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: "We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time."
A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate....
Backfire
Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife's 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling of my own. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said I had never made love to anyone who was over 50 years old.
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
Turning 50 two years ago, I took a lot of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. So as my wife’s 50th birthday approached, I decided to get in some needling...
Bad Driver
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot."
"Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything."
"Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. “I feel terrible,” the woman apologized...
Bar School
The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson and pointed to the building.
"That's where I went to school when I was your age."
"Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender back then?"
"That's where I went to school when I was your age."
"Really," said the boy. "Who was your bartender back then?"
The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse. The buyer converted it to a tavern. One day an elderly man...
Batter Up
I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket holder. One day they held the drawing just as I was stepping up to bat.
The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision’s not too good."
The home plate umpire pulled the winning ticket, and then turned to me. "Could you read me the number?" he asked. "My vision’s not too good."
I played for a semipro baseball team. At every game we sold raffle tickets. Half the money paid the team’s expenses and the other half went to the winning ticket...
Benchwarmer
It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you to practice shooting from the spots you might expect to be in during the game."
The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.
The No. 12 sub immediately sat down on the bench and began arcing the ball toward the basket.
It was the first day of basketball practice at Wingate high school in Brooklyn, N.Y. Coach Jack Kaminer handed a ball to each player. "Fellas," he said, "I want you...
Big Mouth
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There’s my husband." Then I added, "The thin one—not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that’s my husband—the fat one."
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two...
Big Problem
The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped, "This is really helping me get toned."
She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."
She looked me up and down. Feeling self-conscious, I added, "Big men run in my family."
She raised an eyebrow. "Apparently not enough."
The first time I met my wife, she was an intense aerobics instructor at my health club and I was an out-of-shape new member. After one grueling workout, I gasped,...
Birthday Present
I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where we bumped into two of my cousins. They inquired about my upcoming birthday, and when I told them about my jump from 10,000 feet, I could tell they were a bit mystified.
Finally one of them remarked, "Why don't you just get your breasts done like everyone else?"
Finally one of them remarked, "Why don't you just get your breasts done like everyone else?"
I was turning 40 and decided to celebrate by fulfilling my longtime dream to go sky-diving. Before the jump, my mother and I spent the day at a festival, where...
Bringing Back the Old Days
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah, but look at it from my point of view," he said optimistically. "I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over."
Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest...
Case Study
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he approached her and asked, "Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
She responded by yelling at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't come over to your place tonight!"
With everyone in the restaurant staring, Justin crept back to our table, puzzled and humiliated.
A few minutes later, the woman walked over to us and apologized.
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you," she said, "but I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying human reaction to embarrassing situations."
At the top of his lungs Justin responded, "What do you mean, two hundred dollars?"
I was having a drink at a local restaurant with my friend Justin when he spotted an attractive woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage,...
Coffee Talk
At a coffee bar in Lansing, Mich., a sign on the staff's tip container said
"Thanks a Latte."
"Thanks a Latte."
At a coffee bar in Lansing, Mich., a sign on the staff's tip container said
"Thanks a Latte."
"Thanks a Latte."
Crazy Fish Seller
After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
After I asked for a half-pound trout fillet at my supermarket’s seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely...
Crumpled Up
I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband, "How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."
I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with...
Dark Shadow
My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don't know what you've brought in," she said, "but I can't seem to get this out."
He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.
He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.
My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on...
Decoding Not Necessary
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs they sometimes put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys & Gulls, Laddies & Lassies, etc.), but every so often we get stumped. Recently my husband, Dave, wandered off in search of the men’s room and found himself confronted by two marked doors. One was labeled 'Bronco' and the other was designated 'Cactus.'
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked 'Men.' "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
Completely baffled, he stopped a restaurant employee passing by. "Excuse me, I need to use the restroom," Dave said. Gesturing toward the doors, he asked, "Which one should I use?"
"Actually, we would prefer you to go there," the employee said, pointing to a door down the hall marked 'Men.' "Bronco and Cactus are private dining rooms."
Over the years, my husband and I have usually managed to decode the cute but confusing gender signs they sometimes put on restroom doors in restaurants (Buoys & Gulls, Laddies...
Denied
My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested. She didn't want it, but I did. So I crossed off my wife's name on the form, entered my own and returned the application. I soon got a phone call from a woman saying my application had been rejected.
I asked her why, and she told me the card could only be issued to the person originally solicited by the offer. However, she invited me to reapply, which I did during the same telephone call.
A few days later I got another call to tell me my second application had been rejected.
Why? The woman told me their files showed that I had previously applied for a card and had been denied.
I asked her why, and she told me the card could only be issued to the person originally solicited by the offer. However, she invited me to reapply, which I did during the same telephone call.
A few days later I got another call to tell me my second application had been rejected.
Why? The woman told me their files showed that I had previously applied for a card and had been denied.
My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested. She didn’t want it, but I did. So I crossed off my wife’s name on the...
Diet Flaws
My three sisters and I have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips. One day my oldest sister was showing us a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken dish she had tried the night before. Reading the ingredients, I commented, "It looks like it would taste really bland."
"It did," she replied, "until I added cheese and sour cream."
My three sisters and I have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips. One day my oldest sister was showing us a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken...
Embarassing Surprise
One evening my former boss was getting out of the shower when his wife called, asking him to turn off an iron she had mistakenly left on in the basement before she left for the weekend. Thinking no one would see him, he ran down the stairs into the dark basement without even a towel on.
As he flipped on the light switch, though, he was shocked to hear dozens of people yell "Surprise!" His wife had orchestrated the secret party to celebrate his 40th birthday.
As he flipped on the light switch, though, he was shocked to hear dozens of people yell "Surprise!" His wife had orchestrated the secret party to celebrate his 40th birthday.
One evening my former boss was getting out of the shower when his wife called, asking him to turn off an iron she had mistakenly left on in the basement...
Emotionally Painful
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head.
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."
He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"
After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."
My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old’s shoes. That’s when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband’s head. He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of...
Excuse to Shop
One day I noticed that my sister wasn't wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don't need a watch. At home there's a clock in every room, and in the car there's a clock on the dashboard."
Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?"
"That's easy," she replied. "I buy something else, and look at the time printed on the sales receipt."
Knowing my sister's an avid shopper, I inquired, "Well, how do you tell time when you're shopping?"
"That's easy," she replied. "I buy something else, and look at the time printed on the sales receipt."
One day I noticed that my sister wasn’t wearing a watch. When I asked her about it, she replied, "I don’t need a watch. At home there’s a clock in...
Expensive Love
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
"With this ring…" I began romantically.
"We could pay off Visa," he responded.
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our...
Expensive Present
My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed out and bought it for him as a gift.
That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"
That evening as we were watching television, the same commercial came on. Slyly I glanced over at my husband just as he commented, "What kind of idiot would pay $42 for a baseball?"
My husband is a big Atlanta Braves fan. When I saw an ad on television for a baseball autographed by one of his favorite players that cost $42, I rushed...
Eyeglass Tips
Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we'll have to count it as a basket if the ball just hits the rim."
"Yeah," Jim agreed. "It's scary when you have to look through the bottom part of your bifocals to shoot layups and the top part on jump shots."
"Yeah," Jim agreed. "It's scary when you have to look through the bottom part of your bifocals to shoot layups and the top part on jump shots."
Jim, my 40-something husband, was playing basketball with friends his age. "Pretty soon," said one of his teammates, "we’ll have to count it as a basket if the ball just...
Facts of Life
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he’d be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people...
Family Confusion
When I arrived at school for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty.
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appointment was tomorrow."
"For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting at the wrong desk."
"I don't understand," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Gulbrandsen, our appointment was tomorrow."
When I arrived at school for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention...
Fast Food Relative
For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right.
"What changed your mind?"
"My grandson. When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he asked, 'Grandpa from Florida, or Grandpa from Pizza Hut?' "
"What changed your mind?"
"My grandson. When my daughter told him I was coming to visit, he asked, 'Grandpa from Florida, or Grandpa from Pizza Hut?' "
For years I had been telling my friend Pete that he ate too much fast food, but he always denied it. One day he admitted I was right. "What changed...
Fat Chance
Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that were too tight, I said to my husband, "I'll be so glad when we become grandparents. After all, who cares if grandmothers are fat?"
His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
His prompt reply: "Grandfathers."
Having fought the battle of the bulge most of my life, I found the battle getting even harder as I approached middle age. One evening, after trying on slacks that...
Fat Plate
To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the inscription "18 Again." The wind was let out of his sails, however, when a salesman entered our office the following week.
"Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate 'I ate again'?"
"Hey," he called out, "who owns the car with the plate 'I ate again'?"
To celebrate his 40th birthday, my boss, who is battling middle-age spread, bought a new convertible sports car. As a finishing touch, he put on a vanity plate with the...
Dad's Pride and Joy
The family was viewing old slides and one flashed on the screen that caught everyone's attention. My father, wearing his favorite golf shirt, was holding me at the tender age of three weeks.
The look on his face told all. "There's my prize possession," my father said.
Touched, I smiled at him as he continued, "I wonder whatever happened to that golf shirt?"
The family was viewing old slides and one flashed on the screen that caught everyone’s attention. My father, wearing his favorite golf shirt, was holding me at the tender age...
Final Minutes
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we’re both...
Fire Starter
For a late snack, my sisters and I stopped at a diner. Walking in, we smelled cooking gas. When the waitress came to seat us, we urged her to tell someone so they could find the leak. She thanked us, saying she'd look into it right away.
Then she asked us in her most pleasant waitress voice, "Will that be smoking or nonsmoking?"
Then she asked us in her most pleasant waitress voice, "Will that be smoking or nonsmoking?"
For a late snack, my sisters and I stopped at a diner. Walking in, we smelled cooking gas. When the waitress came to seat us, we urged her to tell...
Flattering Tip
I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston's Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked me to buy him a beer. The young clerk at the concession stand asked to see verification of age.
"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."
I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.
He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
"You've got to be kidding," I said. "I'm almost 40 years old." He apologized, but said he had to insist. When I showed him my license, the clerk served me the beer. "That will be $4.25."
I gave him $5 and told him to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," I said.
He put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."
I was with my husband at a baseball game in Boston’s Fenway Park when I decided to go get myself a hot dog. As I stood up my husband asked...