Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Hungry Cat
Hungry Dogs
Once, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up, clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor.
The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the coffee table for my pizza.
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Hunting Season
One of the women announced that she was now going to a woman doctor. "At least," she said, "I'll be able to depend on my doctor being around during moose season!"
It's Your Duty
"Support Your Local Coast Guard…Get Lost."
"Support Your Local Coast Guard…Get Lost."
Junk Food Cure
The jar was filled with chocolate chip cookies.
Junk Food
Suspicious, I baked another batch, only this time I labeled the contents "Health Food." Within a week my sons reported they had received the goodies.
Just as Guilty
The cop took a second look at the name and address on my license. "Did your husband go duck hunting this morning?" he asked.
Baffled, I answered, "Yes."
"I stopped him for going 47."
Just Say No
"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."
Knocked Out
He watched as I gathered our newborn onto my left arm and picked up a package with that hand. I flung a diaper bag and my purse over my right shoulder, grabbed our two-year-old with my free hand and wrestled the car keys from him.
My husband shook his head. "No, thanks," he said. "At least where I'm going they give you anesthesia."
Labor Words
“PUUUSH.”
“PUUUSH.”
Labor Work
"My husband wants me to ask you something—" Carol began.
The doctor interrupted her. "I get asked that question all the time," he said in a reassuring tone. "Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it!" an embarrassed Carol confessed. "My husband wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
Large Amount of Money
"They're usually about $3,000," he said.
"Okay, well, if you say something worth $3,000," she replied, "I'll get one."
Large Servings
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was "Serves 6."
Last One Out
I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."
Leak
I decided to spend the rest of the night back on the couch so as not to disturb him any further. But then, three hours later, he appeared in the living room soaking wet. "Your fever didn't break," he said, still dripping. "The water bed did."
Light Workout
"Honey," she answered, "I need the exercise."
Literally Speaking
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
"University of Oklahoma," he yelled back.
Lunatic
“I’ve heard of many a squirrel bringing a nut home,” she remarked, “but this is the first time I’ve heard of a nut bringing a squirrel home.”
Magic Cat
Mapping it Out
Mixed Up
After my wife had a sonogram, I asked my mother-in-law to guess the sex of the twins her daughter was carrying.
"Two boys," she said.
I shook my head.
"It must be two girls," she offered.
Again I told her no.
"Well, then," she asked, "what are they?"
Money Talk
Mysterious Hotel Guest
New Behind
The next day, January 1, I woke up to a banner on my bedroom wall. It screamed "Happy New Rear!"
Nifty Replacement
Not a Regular
"Fine," I said, "but you'll have to come down here to fill out forms."
After a long pause—"Umm, where are you located?"
Not Accepted
"Okay," said Brian, "reprocess me."
"I'm sorry," she told him. "We're not accepting any new patients."
Office Hours
"Gee," I said nervously, "I'm a little surprised to see you here."
"Why?" he replied. "You certainly spent a great deal of time in my office."
Old Patient
One Great Performance
One Loud Trip
After about 20 minutes of listening to the squeaky machine, he glanced up, somewhat annoyed. "Don't you think it's time you turned around and headed for home?" he asked.
One Stop Cleanup
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
Opposite in Nature
“Diane,” she said emphatically, “just being man and woman is opposite enough.”
Other Commitments
As we left the gym after our first real workout in years, my husband and I both felt energized. "Let's renew our commitment to do it three times a week," I said.
"Absolutely," my husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."
"And no whining," I said. "No excuses."
"No, we'll do it with energy and enthusiasm."
"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."
"The gym?" my husband said, crestfallen. "I thought we were talking about sex!"
Overeater
Painful Situation
From the kitchen I heard my mother cry out in pain. Through a mouth stuffed with gauze I asked her what had happened.
"You know," she replied, "there's nothing worse than a paper cut."
Part of the Audience
I'm never very comfortable with any kind of physical test or procedure, but when I was referred to a doctor for a breast exam, I agreed to see him. I don't know the doctor, and he doesn't know me, I told myself. It is no big deal.
On the day of the appointment, I was a little nervous. But the exam went smoothly, and I breathed a sigh of relief when the doctor told me he was finished.
Just as I was about to step out of the office, however, his voice stopped me in my tracks. "By the way," said the doctor, "I really enjoyed your performance at the symphony concert last week!"
Payback
I must have been a little too graphic in my description, because he replied, "I have just one. I've never given you a ticket, have I?"
Paying For It
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
Personal Ad
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife: "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
Personal Service
Pet Giveaway
"Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed the guinea pig's ear off. Also, partially 2deaf guinea pig."
"Ferret, likes kids, nice pet, but chewed the guinea pig's ear off. Also, partially 2deaf guinea pig."
Pregnant Swap
One day I told him, "I hope in your next life you get to be pregnant!"
He replied, "I hope in your next life you get to be married to someone who's pregnant!"
Pretend Doctor
After a moment of shocked silence, the woman replied indignantly, "Well, no wonder it takes his patients months to recover!"
Pucker Up
They had been talking for a few minutes when, as a joke, I leaned over to John. "Don't look now," I whispered, "but a guy about six-five just walked in. And he's got a gun."
Without hesitating, John turned to me. "Quick, Ed," he said, "kiss me on the lips."
Reaching Back
"No," she said, "an obstetrician."
Reading the Obvious
Reeled In
A friend of mine was working as a nurse in a West Australian coastal town when a tourist came into the medical center with a fishhook lodged deep in his hand. Since it was the weekend, my friend had to summon the doctor from home.
The tourist was dismayed to see that the doctor was young, had long hair and wore sandals and a very casual shirt. "You don't look much like a doctor to me," he said dubiously.
The doctor examined the hook in the tourist's hand and responded, "And you don't look much like a fish to me."
Regular Feeding
Rooting for the Other Team
"Absolutely!" I replied.
"Well," she continued as she raised the needle, "this may hurt a little. I'm from Nebraska."
Rounding Up
Running Days
After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."l
Same Patient
"Yes, I know," I said. "That was me!"
Season's Greetings
When the doctor looked at the man's chest through the screen, he was at first dumbfounded and then amused to read the words "Merry Christmas." The patient had shaped the season's greeting from a roll of wire solder and taped it to his chest.
Secret Information
"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."
Seeing People
"I don't know," he said. "Now I'm having hallucinations."
"Well, make sure to tell the doctor so he can change the medication."
"I don't know if I want to change," he joked. "Finally, I get to see who's talking to me."
Seeing the Light
Separation
"Sweetie," the woman replied. "I just spent ten days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting."
Setting up a Brigade
My six-foot-three, 280-pound brother raised his hand and said, "Yes, sir, I do."
Our sergeant grabbed him by the arm and led him out in front of the group. "Men," he said, "this is my new assistant. Now, is there anyone here who thinks he can whip both of us?"
Sharp Objects
When the dentist returned, the patient was standing next to a tray of dental equipment. "What are you doing by the surgical instruments?" asked the surprised dentist.
Focused on his task, the patient replied, "I'm taking out the ones I don't like."
Shopping Disaster
They loaded the woman onto a gurney and were rolling her out of the store when she yelled, "Stop!" My mother and my wife thought maybe she wanted to thank them, but instead she said, "I still want to buy those dresses."
Sink or Swim
"Lucky you," he said as he started to write up the order. "My wife got me a length of chain and a cement block."
Smart Ones
On one tour I watched almost an entire unit hit their heads one after another as they came up the stairs. Curious, I asked their commander what unit they were from.
"Military intelligence," he replied.
Smelling the Cat
After arriving home, the young man immediately phoned his hosts and told them how puzzled he’d been by the dog’s behavior.
“Perhaps,” the owner of the suitcase said, “it was because that’s the bag our cat usually sleeps in.”
Smile For the Camera
Suddenly his drill sergeant barked, "Comito, give me 25 push-ups. And the next time your daddy wants your picture, you smile!"
Surgery at the Game
"Oh, I won't miss it," he said. "Doc is giving me a spinal anesthetic so I can listen to it during the operation!"
Surgery fix
Her husband responded, "If I'd known about the sex, I would've had the surgery a long time ago!"
Switching Roles
"Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn't work out if one of us didn't have a good disposition."
"Which one?" we asked.
"Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."
Switching Sizes
Switching Spots
Knowing my sister's stance on drugs, the midwife did everything else to ease Joanne's pain. "You look uncomfortable," she said at one point. "Would you like to change positions?"
"Yes," Joanne replied. "I want to be the midwife!"
Switching Views
"Lean back and look up at me," he suggested. She did. "Oh! Dr. Harrison!"