Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Already Pregnant
"Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have a baby."
Always Right
I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.' "
Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She's probably right," he said.
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Animal Talk
Asking for Assistance
The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."
Astrology
"No," came the reply. "What sign do you come under?"
Baby on the Way
My husband met me at the doctor's office for my routine checkup, and from there we decided to go out to eat. Since we had driven in separate cars, I arrived at the restaurant first.
"One for dinner?" asked the hostess.
"No," I replied. "There will be two of us in just a minute."
When I saw the panicky look on the hostess's face, I realized I had forgotten about my appearance. Anybody could see that I was at least 8 1/2 months pregnant.
Based on Water
"Lieutenant," he replied, "three-quarters of the earth is covered with water, and the Navy has been showing you that. If you wanted to see the other quarter, you should have joined the Army."
Beautiful Sight
"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."
Big Boy
My wife's labor went relatively smoothly and, when it seemed appropriate, I inserted the blank tape and began recording. Shortly thereafter, our baby was born and we all heard the first cry. The doctor held up the baby and, with tape rolling, loudly proclaimed, "Wow, will you look at the scrotum on him!"
Bookworm
He gasped as I handed him the huge sheaf of charts, figures and explanations. "What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.
"You have to sign it, sir."
"Thank goodness," he said, sighing with relief. "I thought I had to read it."
Breathing Techniques
The patient opened her eyes and said, "Is there any other way?"
Button Pain
He ignored my pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, "Ow! This is getting serious." As I turned to him in concern, he added, "Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control!"
Car Trouble
There was a long pause, then some static. Slowly, a voice said, “We can’t get the car started.”
Cat Shopping
Caught in a Lie
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.
Chatter Box
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during surgery?"
Without hesitation her father quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
Cheater
While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband's deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."
"Shh, not now," she replies.
"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.
"Yes, I know," she replies.
"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "
"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."
Checking Up
In the middle of the week, our receptionist received a call for him. She announced that the partner was out of the office until Friday. "Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know."
It was my partner's doctor.
Clueless
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
Clumsy Dancer
After X-raying my toe, the doctor said he didn't need to do anything.
Anxious to speed the healing, I asked whether there was something I could do: "Should I soak it? Put it on ice? Is there anything you recommend?"
He smiled and said, "Take dancing lessons."
Constant Congestion
"That's ridiculous," scoffed the woman. "I've been using it every day for years."
Cooking Instructions
The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”
Cool Family
As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?"
Coughing Section
Crabby Department
Criminal Thinking
"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred to me."
"What's that?"
"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of jail by now."
Dangerous Driver
Two days later, the patient called us, concerned that he had missed our call because of his poor hearing. "I can barely hear, barely see and barely walk," he told me.
Then he added cheerfully, "Things could be worse, though. At least I can still drive."
Dangerous Weapons Permitted
"Sorry, sir," security said to the soldier, "but this item is prohibited." Taking the knife away, the airport worker then handed him back the M-16.
Deadly Response
The voice-dictation program a physician friend of mine purchased for his computer often misinterpreted words. Once, my friend dictated, "Recommend CAT scan if symptoms persist."
The program typed out, "Recommend casket if symptoms persist."
Deep Down
"Oh, no, dear," the smoker replied, without batting an eye. "I don't inhale that far down."
Different Easter
Divorce Settlement
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
Doctor Says So
Esther's son replied, "That's someone who asks you to lie down on a couch and then blames everything on your mother."
Doctor's Advice
When the student nurse came in, it caught her eye and she looked at it skeptically. "If you want the real low-down on baby care," she said confidentially, "you can't beat Doctor Spock."
Dog Duties
Days later I saw the same man again drinking his coffee at the bus stop. Once again, he placed the cup on the grass before boarding. When the bus pulled away, I looked back in time to see a dog carefully carrying the cup in his mouth as he headed for home.
Dog Giver
Dog Sounds
Doing What You Are Told
The startled airman replied, "Button it, sir!"
The colonel looked him in the eye and said, "Well?"
At that, the airman nervously reached over and buttoned the colonel's shirt pocket.
Double Bundle
“I’ll see the doctor,” she said, “and then tell you what’s wrong with us.”
The next day she called to say, “Guess what, Mom. We’re pregnant!”
Dress to Impress
Drive Thru
“Your dog is so friendly!” I said to the owner.
“He thinks he’s at McDonald’s,” she replied.
Early Arrival
While on duty as a nurse in the obstetrics department at the hospital, I was checking a young mother-to-be. "Is this your first baby?" I asked her.
"Yes," she answered calmly.
"Are you having any contractions or pressure?" I continued.
"No," she stated.
"Are you having any discomfort?"
Again the response was no. Laying my equipment aside, I said, "Honey, may I ask you why you're here?"
"Today is my due date!" she replied happily.
Eating Issues
"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.
"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."
Eating Up
End of the Glory Days
"Why?" I asked. "Are they too loose on you?"
"No," he replied. "I'm talking about the brand name—Faded Glory."
Ending the Questions
Escape of the Snake
It read “Lost in post-office parking lot, small boa constrictor, family pet, will not attack. Reward.”
Below the notice someone had written, in what appeared to be very shaky handwriting: “Please, would you mind posting another notice when you find your boa? Thank you.”
Escape Route
She had just given birth to him that morning.
Exercise Returns
The next day the UPS driver arrived at our house. "Oh, no, not another one of these," he said. "All I've been doing is delivering these machines, then picking them up. The only person getting exercise from these things is me!"
Exercise Route
Fake Teeth
My boy was horrified when he saw the gaps. "Well," he said to the staff gathered around him, "who do I see about getting dentures?"
Falling Objects
During one exercise, the lead man in the formation occasionally turned around and whispered to me "Log" or "Rock," which I would pass along. Suddenly there was a crash ahead of me and, from several feet down, I heard a single whispered word—"Hole."
Fast Food Buddies
"Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first."
"Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you."
Fat Chance
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came in exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked.
"I won't be going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
Fat Jump
Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"
"One," she retorted.
Fatten Up
"If it bothers you," I suggested gently, "why don't you do something about it?"
"Good idea, Mom," she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake."
Flabby Compliment
Using a new word this time, he smiled and said, "Oh, no, Mommy! You look flabulous!"
Flu Symptoms
"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.
"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm just keeping her home."
Following the Routine
She was coming to, following her operation, when she heard the beep of the heart monitor. In her anesthetized stupor, she groggily said, "This is Sue. Can I help you?"
Food Before Safety
Food Over Fitness
Foreign Object
From Two Different Worlds
In Nevada, my husband and I attended the wedding of a man and woman of different faiths. A Protestant minister and a Catholic priest performed an ecumenical marriage ceremony. In unison they proclaimed the couple husband and wife.
Afterward, a man was overheard congratulating the father of the bride. “Fifty years ago this could not have happened.”
“No,” replied the father. “Religion has come a long way.”
“Religion! Who’s talking about religion? I mean a cattleman’s daughter marrying a sheepman’s son.”
Genius
The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until he finally had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.
The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."
Gift Registry
Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks, "Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.
"Medicine for rheumatism?"
"Definitely," he says.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, the works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"
"Absolutely."
"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."
Giving Up
"Let him pass," suggested the second doctor. "I don't see any problems unless he has to surrender."
Good Behavior
Good Doctor
Gritty Chocolate
"Yep," he replied, nodding with satisfaction. "It tastes just like the time I dropped my candy bar in the sandbox."
Hearing Problems
"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.
So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What's for dinner, honey?"
No response.
He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.
No response.
Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"
Heavy Situation
"Fitness Club Closes, Going Belly Up."
"Fitness Club Closes, Going Belly Up."