Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Bad Job
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there."
"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."
"No, you weren't the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."
Bartender
One snowy evening my brother, a regional police officer, stopped a car at a roadside check for drunk drivers. "Good evening, ma'am," he greeted the lady. "How are you this evening?"
"Fine, thank you," she replied.
My brother continued, "Anything to drink this evening?"
Surprised, the lady answered, "No, thank you."
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Better Job
As older brothers will, John took the upper hand. "You know," he said, "in my work, people come into my office, tell me their problems, take off all their clothes and then pay me for my advice."
Birthday Surprise
"As a matter of fact, I did," the officer replied, "because that's when your license expired!"
Blabber Mouth
He looked inside, then said, "Sorry, ma'am. I couldn't see your kids in their car seats and thought you were driving alone in the HOV lane."
"Oh, thank goodness!" my friend responded. "I was afraid that you pulled me over because I was doing eighty in a fifty-five-mile-an-hour zone."
Changing Species
"You're crazy! He'll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you're so brave, be my guest."
The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.
"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.
"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he's an alligator."
Clever Names
“Nice dog. What’s its name?” I asked my friend’s 10-year-old son.
“Bob,” he said.
“And your cat?”
“Bob.”
“How do you keep them straight?”
“Well one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker,” the boy answered.
“Tell him your rabbit’s name,” his father suggested.
The kid smiled and said, “Dennis Hopper.”
Colorblind
Confused
Another voice rang out, bold and authoritative: "Would the officer making that last transmission please identify himself?"
After a short silence, a third unidentified voice said, "He's not that screwed up."
Conspiracy Theory
The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.' "
Convict
"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer after both cars pulled over.
"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."
Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"
Covering the Bird
Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”
Criminal Charges
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the class raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."
Dinner Time
The worst part of this wasn't choosing the juiciest-looking creatures or turning down the clerk who wanted to sell me vitamins to ensure their longevity. The hardest part was carrying the poor things out in a box bearing the words "Thank you for giving me a home."
Dog Helper
Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, "Better take the dog with you."
Double Trouble
A few days later my relieved spouse was on the phone, telling his brother about the whole adventure. "Did you happen to mention to the FBI that you have an identical twin?" his horrified brother interrupted. "Who lives next door?"
Emergency Phone Call
Grinning and reeking of bourbon, the drunk slurred, "911."
Endangered Species
“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”
“Well, Your Honor,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”
Feeding Time
“I do,” I answered, and leaning down to her eye level I asked, “Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think my python really cares.”
Fish Emergency
Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”
Food Caller
Foul Mouth Bird
The next time the parrot uttered an expletive, Dave did as the vet said. Then, feeling guilty, Dave opened the freezer.
Shivering, the parrot came out saying, "I'm sorry for all the bad language I've been using." Dave was astounded at the sudden change. Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
Getting Rid of Something
"What does he need me for?" he asked. "He appears to have solved all his marital problems by himself."
Giving Away Tickets
Golf Talk
"But how can you be so sure about the distance?" the judge asked.
"Your Honor," my mother-in-law replied, "that car was exactly a seven-iron shot away from mine."
With that, the judge held up his hand. "I've heard enough," he declared. "Case dismissed."
Good Dog
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Grammar Lesson
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."
Guilty Tax Payer
Hamster on the Run
When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”
Hard Worker
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he concluded with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
Health Insurance
How to get Attention
"I'm jealous of the snake," the instructor said. "I never get the class's undivided attention like this."
A student answered matter-of-factly, "You would if you could swallow a mouse."
Hungry for Money
"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."
Hungry Officer
On our way to Arizona, we had to stop at the state border for an agricultural inspection. We had gone through the same check station in the past, but this time the inspector's line of questioning was a bit different. "Are you folks carrying any citrus fruit, citrus plants or citrus seeds, or any cotton, cotton plants or cotton seeds?"
"No, sir," I answered.
"Are you carrying any ham or tuna sandwiches?"
"No," I replied.
"Any fried chicken?"
"No, Officer," I said. "Is there a new restriction on these items in Arizona?"
"No, not really," he sighed. "It's just that I left my lunch at home this morning, and it's getting close to noon."
We happily gave him two bologna sandwiches, and went on our way.
Late Night Eaters
Later that week we were driving home and I noticed three fat raccoons ambling down the road. "Do you think those are the same ones we chased off?" I asked.
"Hard to tell," said my husband. "They were wearing masks."
Leaving Evidence
But one culprit, we thought, left no clues at all—until we saw the clear imprint of his license plate when he backed his vehicle up against a snowbank.
Liar Liar
The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"
"English and theater," I responded.
"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.
"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."
When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
Losing the Game
Driving home dejected from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, after a Mississippi-Louisiana State college football game that Ole Miss had lost 24-0, I was ignoring the speed limit and, sure enough, a Louisiana patrolman flagged me down. "You've got me, Officer," I confessed as I handed him my license. "I was speeding."
The officer confirmed that I was clocked at 72 m.p.h. But as he spoke, I noticed him stealing a peek at my game program and a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat. "Were you down for the big game?" he asked.
"Yes, sir," I replied. The officer then paused for what seemed like an eternity.
"Well," he said finally, "I guess you've suffered enough."
I couldn't believe my good fortune. But as my license was handed back to me, I felt compelled to ask a question. "Officer," I said, "what if Ole Miss had won?"
"I'd have locked you up in a heartbeat," came his reply. "Now keep it under 60!"
Love Days
Medicine Time
David was proud of his resourcefulness until one hectic session when he lost control of both cat and medicine. Tigger leaped out of his grasp, paused to inspect the tablet—which had rolled across the floor—and then ate it.
Mislead Motorcyclist
Money Saver
One morning, though, he absolutely refused to drop a piece of litter. So I told him to “sit” and then approached him to see what his treasure was. It was a $10 bill.
Not so Humble
After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked.
I had typed: "Attorney at Last."
Older Looking
After a long pause, one of the patrols replied, "As far as I'm concerned, he can go anywhere he wants."
Opera Singer
One day my daughter was explaining to a friend where we live, and her friend said, "Is that anywhere near the house where the woman stands on her steps late at night and sings opera?"
Organzied Culprits
Penniless
I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.
It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.
People Lover
One day after a round of interviews, my co-worker was entering information from a young man's application into the computer. She called me over to show me that he had noted a previous conviction for second-degree manslaughter. Below that, on the line listing his skills, he had written, "Good with people."
Police Line
As she drove by him, she called out, "Please wait your turn! There's one ahead of you down the street."
Preaching to the Choir
"Now, who can tell me what a sentence is?"
Prison Buddies
Red Light
Religious Squirrels
The elders of the second church, deciding they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Running Errands
"I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore."
As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you're there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."
Scared Dog
Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: “Veterinarian’s Office.”
Scared Dog
Perfect, my sister-in-law thought, and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Scared of Insects
After dark I told her she would have to set them free. With the frog in one hand and the snake in the other, she started down the porch steps. Suddenly she screamed wildly, dropped both the snake and the frog, and ran into the house.
"What happened?" I asked, my heart thumping.
"Did you see that?" she replied. "That moth almost got me."
Self-Poison
Snake 2: I don't know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
Snake 2: I don't know. Why?
Snake 1: I just bit my lip.
Sent Again
Sleeping Position
I was about to alert the saleswoman to the bird's plight when I noticed a sign taped to the cage: "No, I am not sick. No, I am not dead. No, my leg is not stuck in the cage. I just like to sleep this way."
Status Objects
Within seconds came the policeman's response: a pair of handcuffs flapping outside the police car window.
Stealing Gardener
One such occasion was the seemingly routine matter of a nice, motherly old woman who had helped herself to an assortment of beauty aids. In my office I asked her to empty the contents of her large purse onto the desk. As she did, there, mixed with the stolen toiletries, were three small potted cacti.
Why, I asked her, would she steal a cactus?
"Well," she replied, "I haven't had much luck with African violets."
Store Madness
A woman in back raised her hand and called out, "I volunteer to be second!"
Surprised
At the party, my brother stood up to address his guests. As he looked around the room at everyone who had secretly gathered on his behalf, he shook his head and said, "After 25 years on the police force, I finally know why I never made detective."
Tattle-Tale
Without hesitation she replied, "Tell Mom!"
She was accepted.
Terrible Musician
"What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
We said good-bye and hung up. A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"
Tough Officer
Having successfully passed all the written exams and physical requirements to join the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, my daughter was now being interviewed. One of the questions was, "What would you do if you were out on patrol with a male officer and he drove to a secluded area and started making advances to you?"
My daughter didn't hesitate, "Is this before or after I'm issued a pistol?" she replied.
She's now a Mountie.
Tough Punishment
Tragically Right
"Once," my 12-year-old son replied.
Warning Signs
"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"
Wrong Victim
A friend of mine, a policeman, responded to an accident call one day. When he arrived, he noticed an emergency medical technician (EMT) trying to apply a spine board to a man standing near one of the cars involved in the accident. The patient appeared to be resisting.
"Really," he objected, "I … "
The EMT interjected, explaining that because of regulations, he had to take necessary precautions.
"No, I'm okay, really, I am."
Again the EMT cut him off, explaining the rules he had to follow.
By then, my friend had reached them and, recognizing the patient, asked, "Are you sure you're okay? The accident looks pretty nasty."
"I reported the accident—I wasn't in it," he was finally able to explain.
Air Force Talk
"Air Force chicken," replied the sergeant. "You want wings or landing gear?"