Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Keeping Secrets
Doug was leaving church after Christmas services when Father McCarthy took him aside. "Douglas, my son," he said, "it's time you joined the Army of the Lord. We need to see you every Sunday."
"I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Father," Doug replied.
"Then why do we only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
Doug looked to the right and to the left, and then leaned over to whisper in Father McCarthy's ear. "I'm in the Secret Service."
Lie Test
"In God we trust—others we polygraph."
"In God we trust—others we polygraph."
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Light Reading
"Hey," another student suggested, "maybe you should try reading Budd Light."
Losing Players
Although there were usually ten to twelve of us at Sunday service, I was embarrassed to see only four of us standing.
Not missing a beat, the pastor continued, "And what is most amazing is that they won with such a small team."
Love Report
When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge's handwriting on page 7: "Stop romancing—propose already."
Mailing Commandments
With a flourish of his pen, he would inscribe this commandment to the post office on the envelopes in which the pictures were returned: "Thou shalt not bend."
Math Class
"Son," his father asked, "what made the difference in math class? The nuns? The textbooks?"
"Dad, I had never taken math seriously before," the boy admitted. "But when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew this place meant business!"
Mating
Our synagogue was throwing a coming-out party of sorts for our new officiant, which was to be billed as "Coffee With the Cantor." The guest of honor, an Argentine, suggested that rather than coffee we serve mate, a variation of a South American tea.
That idea was quickly nixed, however, when we realized that we would be inviting congregants to "Mate With the Cantor."
Meeting Place
Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed, and passed out cold.
The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen. "My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!"
Multiple Fathers
After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.
New Driver
A woman stood up and said, "My granddaughter turned 16 this week and received her driver's license. Let us pray for us all."
New Form of Communication
"Get in touch with God by knee mail."
"Get in touch with God by knee mail."
New Phrases
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.
Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
No Lawsuits
Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought— until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.
Not so Good Looking
Two priests died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Our computer's down," said St. Peter. "You'll have to go back for a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"
The first priest said, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," said St. Peter, and off flew the first priest.
The second priest thought for a moment and asked, "Will any of this week count?"
"No," said St. Peter.
"Well," the priest said, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," said St. Peter. A week later, the computer was fixed, and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asked.
"The first one should be easy," said St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove more difficult."
"Why?" asked the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire somewhere in northern Ontario," said St. Peter.
Occupied
Moments later we sang a hymn, and at its conclusion the music director asked all of us to turn to our neighbors and say that we loved them. The woman at my side faced me and said, "I love you, but those seats are still taken."
One for Every Room
As I was leaving church, the woman in front of me walked up to the priest, shook his hand, and said, "I'll take five."
Path to a Great Car
"I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said, and jokingly suggested, "a Ford Focus?"
"Or a Honda Odyssey," I said.
The monks got into a Pathfinder.
Paying For It
Perfect Answer
Which would you choose, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car? Should you save the elderly woman or take the old friend because he once saved your life? You may never find your perfect dream lover again!
This quiz was given to 200 applicants for a single job. The one who was hired responded, "I would give the car keys to my friend and let him take the elderly woman to the hospital. Then I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Personal Storage
Arriving back home after the delivery, I had a call from our church secretary. "Do you know what happened to Mary's goose? It disappeared!"
The goose had been for Mary's Christmas dinner and was being stored at the church because it was too big for her own freezer.
Pucker Up
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass, and drink the juice."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
Put Together
That sounded simple enough until they passed through the Pearly Gates and found thousands of ducks everywhere. Jake stepped on one right away. The ducks quacked, making an unholy racket, and St. Peter came up to Jake bringing with him a ferocious-looking Amazon woman.
"I warned you if you broke the rule you'd be punished," St. Peter said. Then he chained the Amazon woman to Jake for eternity.
Several hours later, Johnny stepped on a duck. The duck quacked, they all quacked, and St. Peter stepped up to Johnny with an angry-looking, shrewish woman. "As your punishment," St. Peter told Johnny, "you'll be chained to this woman for eternity."
Billy was extremely careful not to step on a duck. Several months went by. Then St. Peter came up to him with a gorgeous blonde and chained her to Billy, uniting them for all time. "Wow!" exclaimed Billy. "I wonder what I did to deserve this?"
"I don't know about you," said the beautiful woman, "but I stepped on a duck."
Reading the Signs
The motorist didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down the window and yelled, "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!"
A few seconds later the two fishermen heard tires screech, then a splash.
The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "I told you we should've just written, 'Bridge Out.' "
Refusing a Bet
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
Running Away
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert."
Saying Grace
Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don't exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?"
"It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
Seating Sections
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please."
Sharing Things
"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed, "you've been the housekeeper here five years, and I've only been here a few days. Why not say our roof and our furnace?"
Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly upset. "Father, Father," she blurted, "there's a mouse in our room and it's under our bed!"
Shoeless
Kate replied, "My mom's feet hurt."
Showing a Different Side
"I'll go to hell first and get it over with," said the HR director.
To her surprise she spent a wonderful day with her former fellow executives, playing golf on a beautiful course. The game was followed by a sumptuous meal at the clubhouse. When she returned to heaven, she spent her day there sitting in a cloud, playing a harp.
"Have you decided where you'd like to spend eternity?" St. Peter asked.
"Yes," she said, "heaven was great, but too boring. I choose hell."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "off you go."
This time when she arrived in hell, she found everything barren and desolate. Confused, she confronted Satan. "Where's the golf course?" she asked. "And where are my friends?"
Satan smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you; today you're staff!"
Showing up Late
I was anxious for every detail of this event to be flawless and elegant, so the lay youth workers and I agreed to bring the last of the fall flowers from our gardens for floral arrangements.
The next morning, I decided to walk to church. There I was, dressed in a dark suit, a tie, hat and overcoat, walking down the street at 6:30 a.m. with a bouquet of chrysanthemums tucked under my arm.
As I strolled along, a car passed me from behind. Then, as though an afterthought, the driver stopped, backed up, rolled down the window, gestured to the flowers, and quipped, "If you're just getting home, buddy, you'd better take her more than those."
Slow and Steady
Smart Bird
Sure enough, his name appeared as "Bird, Brain."
Someone Special
They enjoy a wonderful meal together and afterwards she invites him to the theater, followed by drinks. She pays for everything. Then she asks him to her place for a nightcap, and to stay for breakfast.
The next morning the guy is amazed. "Are you this nice to every biker you meet?" he asks.
"Not usually," she replies. "But you just happened to catch my eye."
Southern Representative
The whole school was pleased, therefore, when the yearbook adviser surprised us with an additional photo. There was Danny, decked out in his gray coat, with the caption: "Most Likely to Secede."
Speed Signs
When we stopped for gas, I mentioned the signs to the station attendant. "Yep, our police department put those signs up themselves," he said, chuckling. "And they do a darn sight better job than the regular speed-warning signs."
Spoiled Rotten
Stars in the Sky
"A consternation," one student replied.
State of Disaster
Still Living
The mother superior volunteered to give it for her, and eventually reduced my friend's 30 minutes of embarrassed rambling to a one-liner that has now become famous around the place. "Girls," she announced. "Just remember—old ain't dead."
Strange Request
Stressed Out
Finally the guard came. The man scribbled his name in the visitors' book and rushed inside. "What does that guy teach?" I asked the guard.
"Serenity Through Meditation."
Taking the First Step
Nothing happens. So the next week the man tries again. "Please, God, let me win the lottery, and I'll come to church every week."
Again nothing happens. So the man decides to try one last time. "Lord," he implores, "why haven't I won the lottery? Have you abandoned me?"
Suddenly a deep voice booms down from above. "My son, I have not abandoned you, but at least meet me halfway—buy a ticket!"
Tell-All Sign
After the service, I glanced at the announcement again, this time noting yet another penciled-in correction. It now read "Donations Expected."
The Right Answer
One five-year-old raised his hand. "I know the answer should be Jesus," he began, "but it sounds like a squirrel to me."
The Show Will go On
My colleague responded by walking to the altar and kneeling down himself. Then he returned to the group, looked at the chairman, and declared, "He wants to talk with you again."
To go Either Way
The ordination of women as Episcopal ministers occasionally presents awkward situations as to what to call us. "Father" sounds inappropriate to some; "Mother" is traditionally used for unordained women overseeing religious communities.
Last year, one of my colleagues, dressed in her clerical garb, was in an airport. A man summoned the courage to ask her, "Pardon me, but what do you call a female father?"
My colleague smiled mischievously and replied, "Ambisextrous."
Too Close
While discussing the plight of driver's-license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asked.
And she slid over.
Too Many Kids
When the priest returned three years later, he found the wife pregnant, tending two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked to speak to her husband and congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome," came the harried reply, "to blow out that candle."
Too Much Money
After patiently listening to an explanation of my husband's fees, he left the office with a prudent: "Thank you, sir, but I believe I'll just pray this one through."
Unanswered Prayers
"Good," the instructor replied. "Anything else?"
"How about sex?" suggested another father-to-be.
Once again, silence followed. Then the devout dad-to-be muttered under his breath, "What do you think I've been praying for?"
Underwater
Uninvited
"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"
"No. Because they eloped."
Up and Down
Very Impatient
I was working as a phone-order representative for a textbook publisher. One very busy day, many customers had been put on hold. When I took my next call, I heard a soft yet annoyed voice on the line muttering, "Darn, darn, damn, darn, darn it!"
I chuckled and said, "What may I help you with today?"
There was a brief silence, followed by, "I'm so sorry. I wish to place an order."
"Don't be sorry," I replied. "That's hardly the worst thing I've heard today. Now, first I need your name."
"Oh, dear," she said, "how embarrassing. My name is Sister Patience."
Visitation Rights
My partner stated that both parties agreed to share whatever medical expenses might be necessary for the care of the animal. They also agreed that the wife would have custody, but that the husband would be allowed visitation rights.
The judge, looking somewhat startled, peered down at the husband and asked, "Is this true?"
The husband replied, "Yes, Your Honor."
"Well," intoned the judge, with a trace of a smile on his face, "you should know that there is nothing this court can do for you if the dog refuses to see you."
Waiting for the Fine
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?' "
Well Behaved
"Actually, yes," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
Well Known
"I'm selling my car to this guy," one of them explained. "We came here because we heard you were notorious."
What Would He Pay?
The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd pay $17.95 for that hat."
Work Material
Writing Back
Wrong Day
"How many are going to watch the season finale this week?" he challenged.
When no one raised a hand, he smiled. "Nobody's willing to admit to being a fan?"
My mom whispered to me, "Actually, the finale was last week."
Wrong Hospital
"Hell, no," the man replied, "Irish Catholic."
Asking for Help
"Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
Caught Again
"May I see your driver's license?" he said.
She looked at him with disgust.
"What's the matter with you guys? I wish you'd make up your minds. You took my license from me yesterday."
Even Steven
"Did you pay the ticket?" the judge questioned.
"Yes."
"If you thought you were innocent," the judge went on, "why didn't you contest it?"
"Your Honor," she replied, "there have been so many times I didn't get a ticket for running a stop sign that I figured this evened things out a little."
Giving it Away
I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration. "I am usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration." It was a warning ticket I had gotten for speeding in South Carolina.
Legal Trouble
Someone from the restaurant called immediately and asked, "What is this $500 bill for? We never ordered any legal services."
Dad replied, "I never ordered any bread and butter."
The $1.50 was returned without delay.
Repercussions
Then it occurred to me that he might be having a problem finding a place for his car, so I continued, "but, Your Honor, they have a special place reserved for judges down below."
"Yes," he said dryly, "I'm sure they do."