Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Studying a Different Drama
Yo Yo Ma Ma.
Yo Yo Ma Ma.
Surprising Phone Call
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Taking Your Money
Technology Problems
"I suppose that's true," the GM exec agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?"
Tell-All Sign
"My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."
The Salesman
A used karma dealer.
A used karma dealer.
Traveling Tie
Understanding the Terminology
Unwanted Call
Telephone solicitors are one of my father's pet peeves. He is especially annoyed by those who offer "free gifts" as part of their sales pitch. Late one night, Dad was in bed when the phone rang.
The voice on the end of the line said: "Congratulations, you've just won a free burial plot!"
"Great!" Dad replied. "Send it over." Then he hung up.
White Lie
The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
Wrong Announcement
Quickly realizing her mistake, she tap-danced her way out of trouble by adding, "You are in the wrong store."
Wrong Connector
Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A., please wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."
Wrong Conversation
Startled, Addy replied tentatively, "Fine."
The woman continued, "So what's new?"
Still confused, Addy said, "Not much. What's new with you?"
It was then that the woman snapped, "Do you mind? I'm on the phone."
Wrong Date
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said somewhat sheepishly, "I need to change the numbers on that plate application."
A Bell of Time
Just then a man came running into the church, shouting, "Who's playing 'Three Blind Mice' on the church-steeple bells?"
She had been operating the carillon.
Accepting Money
"Hello, is this Rabbi Schwartz?" The caller asked.
"It is."
"This is the Internal Revenue Service. We wonder if you can help us."
"I'll try."
"Do you know Herman Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is this man a member of your congregation."
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."
Achy Bones
To our amusement, John answered, "Sorbonne."
Added to the Paper
Reading the paper the following morning, he noticed that one well-meaning cub reporter had ended his story on the banquet with the observation "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
Afternoon Loving
Always a Winner
Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.
Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad. A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball, and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."
An Animal Situation
Not long after I resigned as pastor of a small community church, the phone rang. "Is the reverend there?" a man asked.
I explained that I was a minister, though not the current pastor.
"You'll do," he said. The man wanted to know which Scripture verses applied to funeral services.
I gave him several references, and he jotted them down.
"What about the 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust' part?" he asked.
I read it to him slowly. Then, intending to offer him some sympathy, I inquired, "And who is the deceased?"
"My daughter's rabbit," he replied.
Arriving Late
One Sunday morning my sister Liz was surprised to receive a phone call from her minister. He reported that he'd just been in a minor car accident and asked if she could inform the congregation he'd be unable to conduct services that day.
Liz was flattered that out of the entire congregation, she was the one he had called—until the minister went on to say that since Liz was always the last to arrive at church, he knew she would be the only person he could still reach at home.
As Good as New
As the golfer approached the first tee, a hazardous hole with a green surrounded by water, he debated if he should use his new golf ball. Deciding that the hole was too treacherous, he pulled an old ball out and placed it on the tee. Just then he heard a voice from above say loudly, "Use the new ball!"
Frightened, he replaced the old ball with the new and approached the tee. Now the voice from above shouted, "Take a practice swing!"
With this, the golfer stepped backward and took a swing.
Feeling more confident, he approached the tee when the voice again rang out, "Use the old ball!"
Asking for Money
Bad Timing
"No," the attendant explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order."
"Then where are the monks?" asked the woman.
The man replied, "Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415."
Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks."
Big Fall
Firefighters climbed out of the truck to assist me. "It's the preacher," one said. "Are you okay?"
"I just got the wind knocked out of me," I replied.
"Wow," said another firefighter. "It takes a lot to knock the wind out of a preacher!"
Big Question
Bold Statement
Bug Killer
Car Follower
Thirty minutes later, the car turned on a set of flashing blue lights. Coming up to our window, the officer said, "Sir, I'd like you to take an alcohol test. You've been swerving on and off the road for half an hour."
Catching a Ride
"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"
The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."
Change in Weather
I thought they might want to reconsider their decision, since their birth announcement would herald the arrival of Sunny Anna Rainey.
Cheap Buyer
"I don't know what made me do it," the man cried. "If only you won't arrest me, I'll be glad to pay for it."
The manager agreed, so they returned to the shop to complete the transaction. Once there, the customer grew cautious.
"As a matter of fact," he said, "this bag is a little better than I had in mind. I wonder if you could show me something cheaper?"
Chess
There was silence. But finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
Child Talk
Classic Feelings
"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.
"Gee, I don't know," I replied. "I'm kind of torn between Church and State."
Cutting Carbs
When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?"
Cutting the Habit
Dead or Alive
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"
Again the answer was, "No!"
"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Deadly Catch
Different Meanings
"You should see the new woman on the force," I said. "She's tremendous, and wearing a .38."
I didn't notice the silence until my wife broke it icily with, "I wear a 38."
Dress Up
Moments later a white-haired man wearing a white coat and carrying a stethoscope and medical bag rushed up to the front of the line, waved to St. Peter, and was immediately admitted through the Pearly Gates.
"Hey!" the doctor shouted. "How come you let him through?"
"Oh," said St. Peter, "that's God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor."
Drinking Catchers
"If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."
"If you drink and drive, we'll provide the chasers."
Dumb Blonde
"Thank you, Lord, for the many miracles we are too blond to see."
Empty Nesting
"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."
Faking Sick
By the time we reached the emergency entrance of the local hospital, I was feeling a little foolish about not trusting the man. When I noticed he was having difficulty getting an elderly woman out of his car, I walked over to offer my assistance. It was then that I overheard the struggling woman say, "Leave me alone. You told him someone was sick, so you be the sick one."
I wrote the ticket.
Falling Into Water
A villager saw them step onto the dangerous span and yelled for them to stop. "That's all right," one of the ministers responded. "We're here from the Presbyterian convention."
"I dinna care aboot that," came the reply. "But if ye go much farther, ye'll all be Baptists!"
False Advertising
"Dull," says the salesman.
Next, St. Peter shows him hell: toga parties, excellent food and wine, and everyone looking as though he's having a wonderful time.
"I'll take hell," he says.
He enters the gates of hell and is immediately set upon by a dozen demons who poke him with pitchforks. "Hey," the salesman demands as Satan walks past, "what happened to the party I saw going on?"
"Ah," Satan replies. "You must have seen our demo."
Familiar Faces
The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers."
"Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?"
"Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent."
Fast Drivers
At that point, my wife leaned over and said, "Well, Officer, when you drive the speeds we do, you've got to wear them."
Faulty Safe
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
"If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."
First in Line
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go first?"
Flexing
The minister then added, "You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar."
My wife leaned over, put her head on my shoulder, and whispered in my ear, "I just love to watch your muscles ripple when you take out the garbage."
Forced Into It
"Put down 'yes,' " she said.
Forgetful
The next Sunday the young clergyman nervously clutched the pulpit rail in front of the congregation. Finally he said, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman."
He was pleased at the instant reaction—then became panic-stricken. "But for the life of me, I can't remember who she was!"
Frustrated Words
Rubbing some badly skinned knuckles, I replied, "Well, Father, at this point we usually start cursing."
"Well, gentlemen," Father replied, "allow me time to move out of earshot so you can continue your work."
Game Night
"My son," he replied, "our parishioners know when we hold Mass, but we have to be sure the Protestants know when we hold bingo."
Getting Into Trouble
"Kevin," he asked with great seriousness, "where is God?"
Kevin gave no reply.
"Kevin, where is God?"
Again there was silence.
For a third time the priest asked the question, and this time Kevin bolted out of the office and ran all the way home. He burst into his brother's room.
"Ken," he panted breathlessly, "Father can't find God and he thinks we had something to do with it!"
Getting the Real Thing
Getting What you Want
"Karma Café. We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."
"Karma Café. We don't have a menu. We give you just what you deserve."
Giving Directions
"If you come to church this evening," the preacher said, "I'll tell you how to get to heaven."
"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."
Going Unnoticed
Taken by surprise, Sharma mumbled, "The back."
Golf Lover
"Of course," was the answer.
On the day of the funeral, as the pallbearers descended the steps toward the hearse, a loud rattling and rolling came from the coffin. "Sounds like a pinball machine," murmured one startled director.
Later a family member of the deceased came to the chapel office to apologize. At the last minute, they had decided to place in the casket, along with the club, a half-dozen golf balls.
Good for Some, Bad for Others
I said I thought she would, and that in dog heaven, she would be healthy again and able to do her favorite thing: chase squirrels.
Jacob thought about that for a minute, then said, "So dog heaven must be the same as squirrel hell."
Good Money
"You can't take that," a scandalized deacon told the preacher. "That's the devil's money."
"Well, brother," said the preacher, cheerfully accepting the gift, "in that case, the devil has had his hands on it long enough. Now let's see what the Lord will do with it."
Guilty as Charged
Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we're just fining you."
Halloween Costume
"Ian, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're Lutheran."
Ian hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked, "Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
Hard to Pass
Healthy Feeding
Honesty is the Best Policy
"Oh, boy," replied the priest. "If you can't be more honest than that, how can I trust you to count our money?"
Hot Water
In Hiding
After being served, one of the elders asked the minister to say grace. "I'd rather not," the clergyman said. "I don't want him to know I'm here."