Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Birthday Disappointment
The next day she drove to the fraternity and rang the doorbell. The same boy answered the door. When he saw the cake, his face fell. "Oh," he said, clearly disappointed. "I thought you said 'keg.' "
Broken Down
When it arrived, we climbed into the front seat. While the driver was hooking up the car, the salesman turned to me with a smile and said, "Well, now, what is it going to take to put you behind the wheel of that beauty today?"
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Business Trip
When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug. "It's okay, Mom," she said. "The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again."
Cap Problems
A perfect fit, I thought. And then I noticed the keyhole in the top of the cap.
Car Talk
He sighed and answered, "The passenger side."
Change in Career
Chicken Scratch
Criminal Mischief
Destroying Things
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."
Drinking Water
Eating Out
Face Full of Makeup
Finally, the traffic broke up and as she zoomed away, I caught a glimpse of her vehicle's license plate: NTRL BTY.
Fire Training
Later, an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.
Our instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence, she pulled the pin—and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.
Following Directions
Going Overboard
A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated in the rapids, I heard my son yelling, "It's the wrong day!"
Helping Out
"I think," one of them said, "we should be down there playing for our team."
Hiding Spot
As she pretended not to look, Luke toddled around the corner and into her bedroom. Then she watched as he carefully placed the second set of keys under her bed—right next to the original car keys.
Hiding the Presents
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."
High Dive
"No," she said, peering out the window at the wing, "but I can see the diving board."
Job Title
As I got ready to give her the necessary information, she interrupted me, asking, "How can I help you?"
Joking Around
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
Last Minute Gift
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'd be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."
Left Behind
Lost and Found
Loud Auction
Loud Disturbance
"Hi, honey. How's your mother?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?"
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
Making it a Big Deal
Finally, he made his purchase and, just before walking away, said, "Hey, don't worry about it. It's not that noticeable."
Name Calling
"I don't think so," he retorted, and ran off after his mother.
Later I was asked to baby-sit for Brian, and we hit it off wonderfully. As he snuggled up to me, he said, "I don't care what your grandchildren say. I love you, Meanie."
Necessary Objects
Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."
New Trend
No Waiting
The appearance date was the same time as my night class, so I called to see if my court appearance could be rescheduled. Two days later someone returned my call.
"We cannot push the date back," they said. The reason? "The accused is entitled to a speedy trial."
Not a Bookworm
"Which one?" she asked.
He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."
Not Listening
When the service was over, I went to greet people at the front door. Three adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
Not Real
One night our local newscaster was reading about an allegation that two Sesame Street characters, Bert and Ernie, were gay. The show's producer refuted this, pointing out that they were only puppets, not humans. They argued a lot and then made up to show children how to resolve conflicts and stay friends.
While watching this report, my wife, Donna, noticed that our seven-year-old daughter was also listening. As Donna struggled to come up with an explanation for the term "gay," our crestfallen daughter said in dismay, "They're puppets?"
Not so Tough
When I went to the reading, I was disappointed to learn the writer had cancelled her appearance. The reason? She didn't want to drive in the rain.
Not Sure
Then he paused. "And for those of you who are familiar with this area, I think this is Lubbock, Texas."
Not Understanding
"Honey," my sister replied, "there isn't anything I can do."
My niece then turned to me. "Marisela, please help me," she implored. "Mom doesn't understand what I'm going through."
Nurse Overload
Old in Some Ways
"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.
"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."
"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."
Other Form of Transportation
One morning I was surprised to see it still in front of the house, so after school I asked him about it. "I had to get to school early," he said, "so I just ran."
Out of Breath
Out of Use
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
Out to get Him
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at Will!"
Painting the Car
Perfect Timing
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
Permanent Date
Personal Question
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered. "Do you want to go out with me Friday night?"
Praying for Food
From the back seat I heard his earnest voice: "Dear God, please don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Priority List
"Change the radio station," she said.
Proud Parent
"Oh no," the mom wailed. "There goes his no-hitter."
Questioning Name
The hostess, ignoring her, kept writing in her book. My wife again asked, "How much of a wait?"
The woman looked up. "About ten minutes."
A short time later we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready."
Reminder
When they wheeled my brother-in-law out, this memo was pinned to his hospital gown: "Don't forget to give operating-room nurse recipe for remoulade sauce."
Room For Two
"Yes," I replied. "It's our honeymoon."
"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
Rough Driving
Later, on my way home, I noticed no improvement. But where the construction crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."
Running Out of Water
When the man got to Florida, he went into a hardware store, bought two large buckets and headed for the beach.
"How much for two buckets of that seawater?" he asked the lifeguard.
"A dollar a bucket," the fellow replied with a straight face.
The clerk paid him, filled his buckets, went to his hotel room and soaked his feet. They felt so much better he decided to repeat the treatment that afternoon. Again he handed the lifeguard two dollars. The young man took the money and said, "Help yourself."
The clerk started for the water, then stopped in amazement. The tide was out. "Wow," he said, turning to the lifeguard. "Some business you got here!"
Running the Show
At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."
Salad Dressings
During one visit, one of his daughters told a rancher's daughter, "We're Italian."
Somewhat confused, the little girl replied, "We're Ranch."
Same Amount
"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.
I'm proud to say I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"
Saying the Right Side
An understanding man, Dad said that if they could all answer just one question correctly, he would give them each an "A" for the exam. The students agreed. So my father handed each one a piece of paper, placed them in four separate corners and said, "Write down which tire was flat."
Security Questions
"If it was put there without my knowledge," I asked, "how would I know?"
The agent behind the counter smiled smugly. "That's why we ask."
Seeing is Believing
Her mother, caught off guard, turned red in the face and apologized for the remark. But my dad took no offense and decided to humor the child.
He replied, "Why, yes I am. I can grant you three wishes."
The child's mother blurted out, "Really?"
Slow Travelers
After several minutes the officer's voice rang out over his roof-mounted loudspeaker. "For heaven's sake, move!" he commanded. "I am a Pennsylvania state trooper."
Smart Eyes
Without hesitation he replied, "Consonants."
Surprising Visit
"Does Dylan Houseman live here?"
"Yup," the voice answered. "Leave him on the front porch. We'll drag him in later."
Taken Away
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be the first time I've been in the front seat."
Taking a Trip
Where it read "Vocational Plans," she had written, "Florida."
Taking Out the Trash
Glancing out my window moments later, I saw him wearily boarding the bus. He was carrying his backpack, his lunchbox and a big white bag of garbage.
Technology Overload
Telephone Number
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three."
Telling the Truth
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
"Honesty," she said.
The Right Language
I did as instructed, and the system said, "Please enter your five-digit ZIP code."
After I put that in, I got a third message: "If you would like your information in English, press one."
Too Much Television
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on 'Fear Factor.' "