Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Not Getting It
Knowing she was not that technically astute, I called her a few days later to see how she was managing. "Fine. I listened to Shania Twain this morning," she said.
"The whole CD?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "just one side."
Not to be Used
I thought the typo in the last line of the memo summed it up best: "The new process is ineffective today."
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The Other Room
No one was in the motel office. The man's wife was outside when I reached their door. That's when I got my idea. I asked her for their remote control, aimed it through the window of the empty room, and turned off the blaring TV.
Closer Than Ever
Joking Around
Dad kept saying things like, "Cut it out, Ed. This is very funny, but I know it's you. C'mon, stop it or I'll hang up. I'll get you for this."
When Dad hung up, my mom asked, "Was that Ed?"
"No," my father replied. "It was a salesman, and I don't think he'll call back."
Following the Instructions
I told the customer to click on the old file and drag it to the trash. Then I had him perform a few other steps. As a reminder, I said, "Don't forget to empty the trash.
Obediently he replied, "Yes, dear."
Royal Attire
Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
Duck in a Bar
This duck walks into a bar, and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No we only sell beer here". The duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any grapes"?
The bartender says, "No I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.” So the duck leaves.
The next day the duck walks back into the bar, and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails"? The bartender says "no".
The duck asks “Do you have any grapes"?
Cold Water Washing
John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John's grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"
For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear any more about it!"
Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."
The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"
Septic Humor
A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."
A passing septic service truck declared "19,500 lbs. of very gross weight."
Get Noticed
A propane supply store isn't shy about revealing where its heart lies: "Tank heaven for little grills."
A propane supply store isn't shy about revealing where its heart lies: "Tank heaven for little grills."
Taking Off
Just after my father, who was a career Air Force NCO, passed away, all my brothers and sisters returned home to be with Mom. As we reminisced about my dad, we found ourselves floating from sorrow to laughter as we brought up fond memories of our nomadic military lifestyle. One morning we were discussing what music should be played at the funeral and several hymns were suggested. "But, Mom," my older sister said, "since Daddy was in the Air Force, shouldn't we request the Air Force song?"
"No, dear," my mother said with a smile. "We are not playing a song with the words 'Off we go into the wild blue yonder' at your father's funeral!"
One Up
When the Second Division set up shop in South Korea, it did so with its slogan proudly displayed at the front gate: "Second to None." A few months later, a South Korean base opened two miles down the road. The sign greeting visitors read "You are now entering the famed sector of the South Korean ROK Division, better known as 'The None Division.' "
Sunny Sign
Then you need a catchy logo:
Our local window tinters tell it like it is: "We stick it where the sun shines."
On Second Thought …
Who says companies only care about the bottom line? Ours is socially conscious and offers employees fun outdoor activities throughout the complex.
Both of these admirable elements were driven home one day when a voice over the loudspeaker boomed "Everyone who signed up to donate blood, please report to the rifle range!"
Waiting Patiently
Service in the restaurant was abysmally slow. My husband was starting to flip out, so I tried to distract him with small talk.
"You know," I said, "our friend Christi should be having her baby anytime now."
"Really?" my husband snapped. "She wasn't even pregnant when we walked in here."
A Classic Custodian
After inflating the playground balls, our school custodian, a classical music fanatic, had an odd habit of writing the names of famous composers on them. No one seemed particularly bothered by this behavior except for one parent volunteer.
"Can you believe this?" she said, thrusting a basketball under my nose. "Some kid wrote his name on all the balls!"
"Who was it?" I asked.
"Aaron Copland."
Big Mistake
"Yeah, but if I was a surgeon," he replied, "I'd charge you for having to go back in."
Language Barrier
Problems with my laptop required calling the dreaded company help line. The service rep, based in another country, did not speak English very well. So I tried to explain it as simply as possible:
"I can't get the computer to work."
"Ah, I see," he responded. "You are unable to transport your computer to your place of employment."
Hypothetical Hollywood
My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion: In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us.
"Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me.
I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "Dennis Quaid."
"In that case," she said, "I'll play myself."
Hidden Spot
"Oh, yes," she replied, "he put his money in it the same day."
"No burglar would think to look on the work shelf!" I gloated.
"They won't have to," my mom replied. "He keeps the paint can in his underwear drawer."
No Cup Needed
One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurses station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
Feeling Very Dumb
Spanish never came easily to my sister. Still, she did her best to communicate with the Spanish-speaking staff at the restaurant she managed. But when she made mistakes—and she made a lot—she'd apologize by saying, "Me estúpido."
Finally, a staffer took pity on her. "Susanna, you're not estúpido," she said, bucking up my sister's ego. "You are a woman," she continued. "So you are estúpida."
Out of It
When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.
"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her. "Now, what did she want?"
"Rain."
Old and Feeling Great
A nurse friend of mine took a 104-year-old patient for a walk in the hospital corridor. When she got him back to his room and sat him down, he took a deep breath and announced, "That was great! I don't feel a day over 100!"
Delivering Some Notice
Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.
"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."
Weight Issues
Sixteen years is a long time. That's how far the photo of my husband—looking slim and fit in his Marine Reserve uniform—goes back. Today, he's about 100 pounds heavier, so it was understandable when my friend's son asked who it was.
"That's my father," my daughter told him.
Looking at my husband, then at the photo, he asked, "Your first father?"
Automatically Inappropriate
Most businesses like that our credit card machines automatically print "Thank you, please come again" at the bottom of receipts. Though one guy called to ask if I could take it off.
"Sure," I said. "But do you mind my asking why?"
"It just seems inappropriate," he answered. "We're a funeral home."
Being a Good Sport
Halfway through dinner one night, our friend Jim told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.
"Did you play sports in college, Mike?" his wife then asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
"I was on West Point's shooting team."
"That's great," she said, appropriately impressed. "Offense or defense?"
Quirks: What Does a Film Producer Do?
What does a producer do?
The screenwriter, obviously, writes the screenplay.
The actors, of course, act in that screenplay.
And the director, without question, directs the whole thing.
But what does the producer do?
I will attempt to explain.
A film producer is the guy who, when a writer tells him about a good idea he's got for a screenplay, says, "That was done in 1938 by William Wyler. It costarred Fredric March and Loretta Young, with Claude Rains playing the black hat. But you know what? I think we could update it, if instead of making the leading lady a nun, we have her working in a casino in Nevada. We put George Clooney in the Fredric March role, and we make him an undercover agent for the CIA who has tracked a Russian agent to Las Vegas. Angelina Jolie would be great for the girl.
[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Matty Simmons is the producer of National Lampoon's Animal House and the Vacation movies.[/caption]"They meet and fall in love, but he discovers that she's pregnant by the Russian agent. George has been licensed to kill this guy, who, incidentally, will be played by Jack Black, but Angelina begs George not to kill the father of her unborn child. In a tearstained scene at the Las Vegas airport, Angelina says goodbye to George and walks to the plane to join Jack Black for the trip back to Moscow. Our big ballad here. Maybe we get Elton John.
"George stops at the airport and pulls out a quarter-a quarter she gave him. He drops it in a slot machine. The place goes nuts-bells ringing and all that stuff. George has hit the $1 million jackpot! He collects his money in a single large suitcase. It's all in ones to make it more visual-this is a visual medium.
"He goes back to his hotel. He's still sick about losing Angelina. He takes the $1 million down to the hotel casino and puts the whole thing on No. 27, which was their number. We see the ball rolling around and around and around-endlessly, while the theme music, sung by Celine Dion, soars until every butt in every seat is up in the air. The ball drops into No. 29, then hiccups slightly and pops into 28, then, as Celine reaches a pitch so high that every dog within a mile of any movie house in America is howling with pain, the ball goes blip-and drops into 27."
Preacher on a Horse
God is Watching
When I went to a Christian school, I walked into the cafeteria and there on the table was a plate of fruit. Next to it was a sign that said "Take one. God is watching."
Next to the fruit was a plate of cookies, which had a sign next to it, written by a fellow student, that said "Take as many as you want. God is watching the fruit."
A Meaningful Question
It's Time To Go To School!
"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Sad Dwarf
Can of Peaches
An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.
"Your Honor, I stole a can of peaches."
The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"
She said, "Six."
The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."
Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."
Dinner Table Gaffe
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
At the Bar
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
No, sir, you have to supply your own.
Dirty Work
Although desperate to find work, I passed on a job I found on an employment website. It was for a wastewater plant operator. Among the job requirements: "Must be able to swim."
Stylish Numbers
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. "Nice belt!"
Q. What did the Zero say to the Eight?
A. "Nice belt!"
The Bell Ringer
Quasimodo, the hunchback bell-ringer of Notre Dame, was ready to retire. He put an ad in the newspaper for his replacement. Only one person responded, but he had no arms. Quasi said, “How are you going to ring the bell without arms?”
The man said, “Give me a chance. I can do this.” He walked back ten feet and ran toward the bell face-first.
To Quasi’s surprise, it rang. “I’m impressed,” he said, “but it’s not quite loud enough.”
The man said, “Let me try again.”
He stepped back twenty feet and again ran face-first into the bell, but this time he missed the bell and ran off the edge of the Notre Dame tower, falling to his death on the ground below. Just as that happened, a police officer was passing by. He looked up at Quasi and said, “Quasi, do you know who this guy is?”
Quasi replied, “I didn’t catch his name, but his face sure does ring a bell!”
Bathing in Milk
A woman buys many gallons of milk from the milkman one day.
"Why do you need so much milk?" the mailman asks.
The lady replies, "I heard that taking baths in milk makes you healthier and prettier."
The milkman asks, "Would you like the milk pasteurized?"
She answers, "No, just up to the neck".
Bonus Points
The day before exams, four college roommates decided to stay up late drinking. Needless to say, they were late for class the next morning. But they thought they had a good alibi.
“We blew a tire on the way here,” said one of them.
“OK,” said the professor, “but you will have to take a different version of the exam than the other students.”
The first question, worth 95 points, read: “Which tire did you blow?”
Problem Solver
When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and say, 'Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what's wrong with me,' " he said. "And based on that, considering we've been married 23 years, she'd hand me a bill for $798,000."
ID, Please!
A woman walked into our copy shop to pick up a large order. While there, she asked me to make a copy of her driver's license, birth certificate and passport. When I gave her the total price, she asked if she could pay with a personal check.
"Sure," I said automatically. "I just need to see some ID."
Counting the Days
A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours and minutes. Our chief was not amused.
"I've been on the job for 43 years, and I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said.
I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else is counting for you."
Music To My Ears
I was a percussion major when I was in college, and during a rehearsal of the student orchestra, my section kept making mistakes.
"When you're too dumb to play anything," the professor conducting us sneered, "they give you a couple of sticks, put you in the back and call you a percussionist."
A friend next to me whispered, "And if you're too dumb to hang on to both sticks, they put you in the front and call you a conductor."
Crash Landing
As he reviewed pilot crash reports, my Air Force military science professor stumbled upon this understated entry: "After catastrophic engine failure, I landed long. As I had no power, the landing gear failed to deploy and no braking was available. I bounced over the stone wall at the end of the runway, struck the trailer of a truck while crossing the perimeter road, crashed through the guardrail, grazed a large pine tree, ran over a tractor parked in the adjacent field, and hit another tree. Then I lost control."
Bug Attack
Heading down the interstate, our car passed through a huge swarm of gnats so dense that their bodies made popping noises as they hit the windshield. "I can't get over how loud they are," my wife said.
"Well, we are hitting them at 65 miles an hour," I pointed out.
Her reply left me speechless. "I didn't know bugs could fly that fast."
Doggy Love
Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog's animal instincts start to kick in.
He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together.
Watching this display, my friend couldn't resist: "You always herd the ones you love."
Smartest States
My friend was flabbergasted. She'd read that in a recent survey, our home state of California was ranked 47 in a list of the nation's smartest states.
"Can you believe that?" she fumed. "We're 47 out of 52!"
A Crazy Test
Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.
"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."
"I get it," the visitor said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug."
Bad Day
First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.
As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."
Doggie Bowl
I was shopping in the pet section of my local supermarket when I overheard a woman singing the praises of a particular water bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the doggie dish out for her husband's inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things: "Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."
Bad Transmissions
Marine Corps pilots and aircraft maintenance technicians have a special bond. So I was unfazed when a flyboy described a vexing problem.
"The radio," he said, "worked intermittently … but only sometimes."
On Closer Inspection…
Officer candidate school at Fort Sill, Oklahoma, was tough. During an inspection, a fellow soldier received 30 demerits for a single penny found within his area. Ten demerits were for "valuables insecure," ten because the penny wasn't shined, and ten because Abraham Lincoln needed a shave.
Schmooze or Lose
In Hong Kong on business, my friend Rocky was in a cab, and the driver pointed to some Asians on the sidewalk. "They are Americans," he said.
"How can you tell?" asked Rocky.
"They're fat."
Pointing to his gut, Rocky asked, "Well, what about me?"
Since insulted fares are the worst tippers, the driver responded, "You are not fat. You are prosperous."
Generation Gap
Her class assignment was to interview an "old person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
Say It With Flowers
On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.
"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"
David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."
Temperature Rising
Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my office at the hospital. So I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it. This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed up -- until I was handed the maintenance request form. It read "Head nurse is hot."
Hold the Mayo
Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
Dinner is Served
Distrustful of Army chefs' culinary talents, my father quizzed the top cook at his base. How did he know when the food was ready to be served? Dad asked. "Easy," said the sergeant, glaring back.
"When it's burning, it's cooking. When it's smoking, it's done."
Lost in Translation
Wedlock Wonder
Though the vocabulary words we were learning in my second-grade class sort of sounded the same, they had very different meanings.
This concept was not lost on one bright boy who knew what those differences were:
"When people marry more than once, it's called polygamy. But when people marry only once, it's called monotony."
Our 50 Funniest (True!) Stories
Since then, readers have sent us over 20 million true stories and jokes, about 100,000 of which we've published. And now we're bringing you the best of the best. Edited by Jill Krasny
Ill Defined
1. We were really confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, a colleague came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a tree."
--Patricia Longbottom
2. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found an elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
--Patsy R. Dancey
3. One crazy day in our pediatric clinic saw me hand a young patient a urine sample container and tell him to fill it up in the bathroom. A few minutes later, he returned to my nurse's station with an empty cup.
"I didn't need this after all," he said. "There was a toilet in there."
--Linda Feikle
4. I was already a nervous wreck about my upcoming surgery. It didn't help matters when the admitting nurse asked me, "Have you had a hysterectomy before?"
--Terry Wisener
Do the Right Thing
5. Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation."
--David Carver
6. My husband decided to install a light switch in our master bedroom. Cutting into the wall, he discovered a stash of bottles and boxes.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!"
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole he had made in the back of our medicine cabinet.
--Nola Pirart
Wedded Blitz
7. The minute I walked into the post office, the postmaster noticed the new earrings my husband had given me.
"Those must be real diamonds," she said.
"Yes," I said. "How could you tell?"
"Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small."
--Deborah Caudell
8. When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said.
"How long have you been married?" I asked.
"Ten years," she replied.
--Tonya Winter
9. "What is that sound?" a woman visiting our nature center asked.
"It's the frogs trilling for a mate," Patti, the naturalist, explained. "We have a pair in the science room. But they've been together for so long, they no longer sing to each other."
The woman nodded sympathetically. "The trill is gone."
--KathyJo Townson
True Stories From Comic History
Achy Back
Already Opened
"I know," yelled the mechanic. "I already got that side. Now I'm working on this door."
Always Questioning
My mother is always trying to understand what motivates people, especially those in her family. One day she and my sister were talking about one relative's bad luck. "Why do you suppose she changed jobs?" Mother asked my sister. "Maybe she has a subconscious desire not to succeed."
"Or maybe it just happened," said my sister, exasperated. "Do you know you analyze everything to death?"
Mother was silent for a moment. "That's true," she said. "Why do you think I do that?"
Angry Passengers
As a collective groan filled the aircraft, a flight attendant took the mike and added, "Ladies and gentlemen, please close your window shades. We'll soon be showing our almost-inflight hit movie, 'Anger Management.'"
Beach Date
"Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first."
Being Trained
The head lion tamer, a beautiful young woman, was just starting her rehearsal. Entering the cage, she removed her cape with a flourish and, standing in a gorgeous costume, motioned to a lion. Obediently the lion crept towards her and then rolled over twice.
"Well," said the manager to the young man, "do you think you can learn to do that?"
"I'm sure I could," he replied, "but first you'll have to get that lion out of there."