Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Painless Procedure?
Ever Wonder…
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Point of Service
As I walked away, I heard him mumble, "I was trying on the shirt."
Crazy Stories for Skipping Work
Employee didn't want to lose his parking space in front of his house.
Employee said he had a heart attack that morning but that he was "all better now."
Employee's dog was stressed-out after family reunion.
Employee contracted mono after kissing a mailroom intern at the company holiday party.
Street Name
"I don't have a street name," she said. "I go by Juanita."
Status Update
"Well," she began, "I guess you could say we're happy-as happy as most other couples nowadays."
Aiming to Please
Dumb Luck
"What's wrong?" asks the concerned teacher.
"I'm rechecking my answers," says says the student.
Congratulations!
"Two questions," said the baker. "Is Donsa a man or a woman? And what do you want the cake to say?"
"The cake should read ‘Congratulations'" the boss said. "Oh, and Donsa"s a woman." The next day, the office celebrated with a cake that read "Congratulations—Donsa's a woman."
Misery Loves Company
"If you have such terrible allergies, why do you keep so many pets?" asked a friend.
"Because"—sneeze, cough, hack—"if I'm going to be sick, I might as well have company."
Long Detour
"When I was driving to work, I took a wrong turn," she explained. "And then I just decided to keep going."
Fresh Flowers
There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there's me. One day I couldn't stand it any longer. "Why don't you ever bring me flowers?" I asked.
"What's the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week."
"So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."
Limb by Limb
Helpful Suggestion
Before I could answer, an irritated man at the next table offered a suggestion: "How about a picnic?"
Learning to Drive
Job Requirements
Wanted: Lifeguard. Must be able to swim.
Wanted: Lifeguard. Must be able to swim.
English Professor
"Oh, that's okay," says the doctor. "She's just having contractions."
Gary LeVox of Rascal Flatt’s Favorite Joke
Giving Away Your Age
During a meeting, our bosses held a contest to name a new project. As members of the management team read through the entries, our CEO picked one out and asked, "Who knows what a phoenix is?"
A junior manager answered, "It's a bird in Harry Potter."
Funny Cartoons
Active Pursuits
A Unique Home
To the Point
Coincidence?
By the Foot
"Yes," she said. "It's 22 flip-flops long by 18 flip-flops wide. And I wear a size 8."
Time Difference
"No," he said. "It's 10:46."
A Tough Sell
"Don't count on it," said a voice in the back. "We're nuns."
Healing the Sick
"Okay, this is what I want you to do," says the doctor on the third visit. "Go home and take a hot bath. Then throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"I'll get pneumonia!" protests the patient.
"I know. That I can cure."
Silly Reads
- The Twinkies Cookbook: An Inventive and Unexpected Recipe Collection
- Napkins with a Twist: Fabulous Folds with Flair for Every Occasion
- I Hate Myself and Want to Die: The 52 Most Depressing Songs You've Ever Heard
Talk Like a Pirate
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Translation
A: Ka Ching.
A: Ka Ching.
Unclean
I launched into a tirade, arguing that Marines should not be penalized for something so trivial.
My husband interrupted. "Honey, when I said ‘dirty magazines,’ I meant the clips from their rifles hadn’t been cleaned."
They're Always Right
Job Perks
"I'm so glad," said my mother.
"Yeah," added John. "I can't wait to find out where they send me."
By the Seasons
"Do you know what season it is?"
He thought a moment. "Baseball?"
Fresh Is Best
Send the Bill to…
Eternally Optimistic
Finding the Cure
"How can you smoke when you, of all people, know the harm caused by cigarettes?" I asked.
He took another draw, exhaled, and replied through the smoke, "Because it gives me more motivation to find a cure."
Post Holiday Blues
As a brand-new employee, I didn't know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: "It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes."
Uninsured
A Beautiful Friendship
I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea, because he just wanted to be friends. So I hung up and called him back. He was like, "Hello?" I said, "Hey, friend, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"
Climate Change
According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
Discount Shopping
Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?
A: At a secondhand store.
Q: Where does a one-armed man shop?
A: At a secondhand store.
Get the Hook!
What did the ill comic say in the hospital?
"I'm here … all weak!
What did the ill comic say in the hospital?
"I'm here … all weak!
Price of Life
When a rich businessman began to choke on a fish bone at a restaurant, a doctor seated at a nearby table sprang up, performed the Heimlich maneuver, and saved his life.
"Thank you, thank you!" said the businessman. "Please, I insist on paying you. Just name the fee."
"Okay," said the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
15 Funny Football Jokes
1. Petty Theft Football players at the high school where I worked were stealing the practice jerseys, so the coach ordered a set with "Property of Central High School" emblazoned on them. When the thefts continued, he ordered a new batch that had the imprint "Stolen from Central High School." But the jerseys still kept disappearing. The larceny finally stopped after he changed the wording to "Central High School 4th String."
-- Hal Olsen
2. Sports and Poetry The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when my husband's co-worker saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help. "I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said. "Which one?" she asked. He scanned the shelves and answered, "William."-- Sandra J. Yarbrough
3. Praying for Overtime My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."
"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."-- Evelyn Bredleau
4. Calling the Coach As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. A fellow coach, Bob, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night. When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away. "Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three.-- Allan Floyd
5. Football Makes Sense A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"-- Melissa Jones
Spare Change Date
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin. One team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like, Hello-o-o? It's only 25 cents!"
Zip It!
After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, "Why does it have to be a secret?"
17 Political Jokes
1. Layered Government Our government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: "I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff."
2. Time to Go The huge backlog in the doctor's waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist's station and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window back, saying, "Sir, you'll have to wait your turn." "I just had a question," he said dryly, "Is George W. Bush still President?" 3. Unlikely Meeting Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. "Hello," Bush said. "Nice weather we're having, huh?" Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction. The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away. Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong. Moses said, "The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert." 4. Mouse Trap My brother Jim was hired by a government agency and assigned to a small office cubicle in a large area. At the end of his first day, he realized he couldn't see over the panels to find his way out, so he waited until he saw someone else leaving and followed him. He did the same the next day. On the third day he had to work late, long after his colleagues had left. He wandered around lost in the maze of cubicles and corridors, but then, just as panic began to set in, he came upon another employee in a cubicle. "How do you get out of here?" Jim asked. The fellow looked up from his desk, smiled and said, "No cheese for you." 5. New Viruses Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. 6. New Federal Employee As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict standards of discretion and respect that our government imposes on its workers. Fearful of making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on procedures and standards on the federal Office of Personnel Management web page. I'm not sure if I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one page and found: "Ethics: Coming Soon!" 7. Sunscreen Mishap My father, a Navy man, had the good fortune to be stationed in Hawaii -- but the bad fortune to have fair skin. One day, after spending many hours under the hot sun, he reported back to duty with a terrible sunburn. Expecting sympathy, he was, instead, reprimanded by his superiors and then written up for "destruction of government property."Government Green
I was charged by the Coast Guard to buy a house near Station Rockland in Maine to be converted into military housing. But after many delays on our part, the owners' lawyer got antsy.
"I don't like working with the government," the man said. "I'm not sure I'd even trust one of your checks."
"I wouldn't worry," I replied. "Not only do we print our own checks, we also print the money to back them up."
Comic Conductor
Best Jokes of 2008
All in the Family When my husband was away at basic training, my four-year-old daughter and I stayed with my sister. Since my daughter already called me Mommy, she started calling her aunt Mom—the way her six-year-old cousin did. One day, someone called. I picked up the extension and overheard the person ask my daughter if her daddy was home. She said, “No, he’s in the Army.” “Is your mom home?” he asked. “Yes, but she’s asleep with Uncle Danny. -- Tonya Aleisawi
Language Barrier As a young officer on the USS Midway, I was enjoying shore leave in Marseille. One day, I was invited to a local club to play tennis with two young Frenchwomen and a Norwegian man, who spoke only the most rudimentary English. After the doubles match, the Norwegian and I changed back into our street clothes and waited for the women to rejoin us. “You fly?” he said to me. I told him I was a ship's officer, not a naval aviator. After a pause to take in my response, he tried again. “You fly,” he said slowly, “is open.” -- Jim E. Davis
War Tags After returning home from basic training, our friend’s son told us about some of the interesting people he’d met, including one guy nicknamed Airborne. “Do the guys call him Airborne because he wants to be a paratrooper?” his mother asked. “No, that’s not it,” said her son. “He got that name because on his first night, he fell out of the bunk.” -- Judy Reid
Justice for All When I wear my Air Force uniform, strangers often come up to me to thank me for my service to the country. Once I was in the parking lot of a county jail, waiting to take custody of a military inmate. A prisoner walked by, carrying a bag of garbage to the Dumpster, escorted by a corrections officer. As he passed me, the inmate turned and—quite sincerely—said, “Thank you for my freedom!” before being taken back inside. -- Jeff Hood
Seriously Ill Some sailors have a well-deserved reputation for concocting excuses to get out of work detail. Case in point: My husband’s fellow officer got a call from a sailor saying he was sick and there was no way he could leave the barracks. “What’s wrong?” the lieutenant asked. “I’m in a coma,” he responded. -- Hannah Thornton
Best "@Work" Jokes of 2008
The Other Side I work at a store manned by grumpy old men. One day, a ray of light showed up in the form of a cheerful young customer. She was chatty and charming and left the store gushing. “How lucky we are to be alive!” she announced before the door closed. “Wow!?She was certainly jovial,” I remarked to a coworker. “Yeah,” he agreed. “I didn’t like her either.” -- Duane Boeve
Exotic Twist A new restaurant near our office boasted exotic fare. And exotic it was. When our dessert arrived, my coworker sniffed her chocolate dish and grimaced. “It smells like cocoa,” she said. “It’s chocolate—shouldn’t it smell like cocoa?” I asked. More confused than I was, she answered, “Cocoa is the name of my dog.” -- Cynthia Zhang
Judging a Book Scene: the bookstore where I work. Dramatis personae: a father and his son. Son: “Dad, does it really tell you how?” Father: “How to what, son?” Son: “How to kill a mockingbird?” -- Theresa Fine-Pawsey
Instant Mother You can't blame the woman for being upset. After all, she was delivering her baby in our hospital elevator. “This is nothing,” said my fellow nurse, trying to console the new mother. “Last year a friend of mine helped a woman deliver her baby on the front lawn of the hospital.” The patient began to wail. “That was me!” -- Stephanie Niederberger
Falling Into It When my mother hit her head at work, she suffered a nasty gash and bled all over her blouse. It was bad enough that the hospital gave her a donated T-shirt. Imagine my surprise, then, when I got to the ER and found the woman who raised me with two black eyes and stitches on her forehead wearing a T-shirt that read “I Survived the Grand Rapids Pub Crawl.” -- Sean Parker
10 Funny Jokes About New Year’s Resolutions
Spending more time with family: Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece." -- Oscar Reagan
Getting in shape: A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise. Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner's euphoria" was. "Runner's euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays." -- Neil P. Budge Starting that diet: My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently. "Good!" I exclaimed. "I'm ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I'll call you first." "Great!" she replied. "I'll ride with you." -- Katina Fisher Quitting smoking: I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to "be cool." As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?" -- Judi Moore Eating healthier: The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, 'If only we had meat to eat!' " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it." When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?" -- David Martino Reducing your debt: Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately. “You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.” -- R. Horn Learning new things: I was trying to decide what to do for a talent show I planned to enter. Trusting my mother to help me out, I asked, "For the show, what do you think I should do, sing or put on a comedy act?" Glancing up from her paper, she said dryly, "What's the difference?" -- Kimmie Helk Better teeth care: Just because one owns a business doesn't mean it has to be all business. This sign in a dentist's office proves that point: "Be True to Your Teeth, or They Will Be False to You." -- James WertzBecoming more organized: My friend’s husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest." -- Mary I. Costain Drinking less I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order. I approached the bartender. "Have you ever heard of a drink called 'Seven Young Blondes'?" I asked. He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the ingredients for him. "Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?" He looked at me like I was crazy. "It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc." -- Christie EckelsTalking Back
Our flight was about to take off when the passenger behind me immediately launched into a loud and annoying conference call on his cell phone. "Sally, get the customer lists. Charlie, pull all the data together we have on… Bob, can you bring us up to date…" and on and on.
As the flight attendant began the preflight safety instructions, the executive's voice was drowned out by the PA system. While the safety speech continued, I heard him mutter into the phone, "Hold on a second. Some people just like to hear themselves talk."
Rear Window Love
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."
Out of Business
Finally, Mom began telling the gentlemen who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the escort service voluntarily changed its number.
Times Have Changed
Trying to explain to our five-year-old daughter how much computers had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, “How big was the mouse?”
Call Waiting
Scott was master of the situation. "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."
Inside View
"That movie can't be sold out!" she shouted. "I'm talking to my boyfriend who's sitting in the theater, and he says there's two empty seats next to him. One ticket, please."
She got her ticket.
Computer Pickup
Slim Pickings
"Would you like dinner?"
"What are my choices?" he responded.
"Yes or no," she said.
The Telephone Call
Unlucky
Then the furnace repairman arrived and told me he didn't think he had the proper fuse but would check in his truck. Meanwhile, the plumber cut holes in my bathroom wall to locate the leak.
When the furnace repairman returned, he held aloft a fuse. "I had the right one," he said triumphantly. "This must be your lucky day."
Knowing Too Much
The clerk looked at the title and replied, "They already saw that one."
Numb Mouth
Rare Phone Call
"Mom, I call all the time," I said. "If you had voicemail, you'd know." Soon after, my brother installed it for her.
When I called the next time, I got her message: "If you are a salesperson, press one. If you're a friend, press two. If you're my daughter who never calls, press 911 because the shock will probably give me a heart attack."
Down the Drain
At the litigation website, I found a number to call for more information. My hopes for a speedy resolution were dashed, however, when after dialing, I heard, "700 Club Prayer Line. How may I help you?"
Strong Message
Online Fees
Noise Makers
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he said to me. "You were making too much noise."