Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Harry can’t figure out what to get his girlfriend for her birthday. "Oh," she says, "just take me someplace expensive." So he drops her off at the gas station.
Honest Questions
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, "What do you think about this Satan stuff?"
"Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad too."
Two kids are on their way to Sunday school when one says to the other, “What do you think about this Satan stuff?” “Well, you remember Santa? This could turn...
Good Seats
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.
"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."
"Why don’t you invite a friend?"
"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
"No," he replies. "I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone."
"Why don’t you invite a friend?"
"I can’t. They’re all at the funeral."
Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the 50-yard line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is...
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Learning Tricks
A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."
In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.
"Run! Run!" the manager screams.
"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."
A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team. In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball...
Slightly Worn
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."
Recycling?
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."
I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here." I should...
Shrinking
After years of battling the bulge, my sister finally lost weight. In fact, she shed so many pounds that her suits began to sag, leading one co-worker to suggest she alter her clothes to fit her new figure.
"Not yet," my sister said. "Let me enjoy the sag a little while first."
"Not yet," my sister said. "Let me enjoy the sag a little while first."
After years of battling the bulge, my sister finally lost weight. In fact, she shed so many pounds that her suits began to sag, leading one co-worker to suggest she...
Review and Repeat
When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."
"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."
When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty. "Allow me to clarify," he said...
Like New
I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt.
"Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"
"Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"
I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make...
Taking It With You
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."
"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll...
Looking Good
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."
Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven’t changed in 20 years." "Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I...
Innocent Question
Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, "I want you to be my mistress."
"What's a mistress?" my eight-year-old granddaughter yelled out.
Then the man gave the woman a passionate kiss.
"Never mind," my granddaughter said.
"What's a mistress?" my eight-year-old granddaughter yelled out.
Then the man gave the woman a passionate kiss.
"Never mind," my granddaughter said.
Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, "I want you to be my mistress." "What’s a mistress?" my eight-year-old granddaughter yelled out....
Safe Haven
Safe Haven Small Animal Hospital
24 Hour Veterinary Service
Bill Mosley, DVM
200 E. Norway
936-4798
Hunters Welcome!
Safe Haven Small Animal Hospital
24 Hour Veterinary Service
Bill Mosley, DVM
200 E. Norway
936-4798
Hunters Welcome!
Apples and Pineapples
After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.
"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for—"
The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."
"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for—"
The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."
After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out. "A for...
Parking Permit
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?"
"No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?"
"What about all those other cars in there?"
He shrugged. "They didn't ask."
"No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?"
"What about all those other cars in there?"
He shrugged. "They didn't ask."
As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?" "No," he said. "Can’t you see that No Parking...
It’s All Relative
En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. "Relatives?" he asked my mother.
Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."
Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."
En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. "Relatives?" he asked my mother. Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."
Slightly Off
One of our projects at military leadership school called for us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our instructor. A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the benefits of drinking liquor. Alcohol, he insisted, warded off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on your feet.
"Good job," said our instructor when he finished. "Only one thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not liquor."
"Good job," said our instructor when he finished. "Only one thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not liquor."
One of our projects at military leadership school called for us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our instructor. A classmate gave an impassioned...
Don’t Drink the Water
Seen on the bathroom door of an upscale spa: "Caution! Toilets flushed with reclaimed water. Do not drink!"
Seen on the bathroom door of an upscale spa: "Caution! Toilets flushed with reclaimed water. Do not drink!"
Peace in the Middle East
We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won't give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."
"So what you're saying is," he concluded, "they won't let the Kurds have their way?"
"So what you're saying is," he concluded, "they won't let the Kurds have their way?"
We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won’t give up any land for it, and...
Cleaning Up
Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand.
"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"
"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"
Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A...
Hi-Def
Our salesman at the electronics store was pitching a high-definition television. A fellow shopper, overhearing the spiel, mentioned that he'd upgraded his regular TV to high-def. "How'd you do that?" my husband asked.
"I dusted the screen."
"I dusted the screen."
Our salesman at the electronics store was pitching a high-definition television. A fellow shopper, overhearing the spiel, mentioned that he’d upgraded his regular TV to high-def. "How’d you do that?"...
It’s a Toss-Up
A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor. I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"
A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they...
New Car Wash
My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood."How convenient," she said."I can walk to it."
My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood."How convenient," she said."I can walk to it."
What’s the Baby on Our June Cover Thinking?
Tired of doom-and-gloom headlines? We are too! At Reader's Digest, we believe it's our job to act as an antidote to all the negativity in the news. That's what convinced us to pick our June cover model. We took one look at that face and couldn't help but smile. Hence, the birth of our June cover line: "Oh, cheer up!"
Now we're challenging you to share your funniest ideas about what the baby is thinking. Take a look at our cover and share your thoughts. We'll publish our favorites on readersdigest.com!
[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300"] June 2009 Cover[/caption]
Tired of doom-and-gloom headlines? We are too! At Reader's Digest, we believe it’s our job to act as an antidote to all the negativity in the news. That's what convinced us to pick our June cover model. We took one look at that face and couldn't help but smile. Hence, the birth of our June cover line: "Oh, cheer up!"
Concerned Owner
The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly, a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing his trip. "The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me didn't stop crying for the whole flight."
Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: "What did the owner do?"
Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: "What did the owner do?"
The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly, a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing his trip. "The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few...
Smart Pills
Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."
"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"
"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."
Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. "This is just rosemary extract,"...
Like a Rolling Stone
At my ten-year-old's request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod.
"I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said.
"Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said.
"What do you mean, 'old-fashioned music'?"
"You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900s."
"I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said.
"Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said.
"What do you mean, 'old-fashioned music'?"
"You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900s."
At my ten-year-old’s request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod. "I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said. "Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music,"...
Self Serve
My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor's for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat."
He smiled. "Done."
He smiled. "Done."
My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor’s for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment....
Good References
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"
Easy Requirements
After months of fruitless searching, I ran across a job in the want ads that I knew I was qualified for. The posting read "Position may be filled by male or female only."
After months of fruitless searching, I ran across a job in the want ads that I knew I was qualified for. The posting read "Position may be filled by male...
Feared Meeting
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
"I'm going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.
"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."
"I'm going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.
"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."
I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away...
Resume Classics
What's the finest example of fiction today? The résumé. Here are some classics sent to bemused hiring managers.
Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.
Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.
What’s the finest example of fiction today? The résumé. Here are some classics sent to bemused hiring managers. Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born. Candidate...
Brains
I'd contacted a butcher to get sheep brains for a lecture in my neuroanatomy class and said I'd be by to pick them up. But when I arrived at his shop, it was closed. Taped to the door was this note: "Teacher, your brains are next door at the barbershop."
I’d contacted a butcher to get sheep brains for a lecture in my neuroanatomy class and said I’d be by to pick them up. But when I arrived at his...
Looking for Space
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.
"Going out?" I called to them.
"No," said the man. "Just friends."
"Going out?" I called to them.
"No," said the man. "Just friends."
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to...
A Great Weight-Loss Tip
The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."
The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How’d you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o’clock."
Beware of Dog
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."
All Possible Outcomes
At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"
"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."
At the dentist’s office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this...
Ach Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you!
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you!
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you!
Alpaca Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase.
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase.
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase.
Amos Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
Boo Who?
Knock! Knock!
Boo
Boo who?
It's me, why are you crying?
Boo
Boo who?
It's me, why are you crying?
Knock! Knock!
Boo
Boo who?
It's me, why are you crying?
Boo
Boo who?
It's me, why are you crying?
Cash Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Cow Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cow's don't "who" they "MOO"
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cow's don't "who" they "MOO"
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cow's don't "who" they "MOO"
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cow's don't "who" they "MOO"
Ketchup Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me, and I'll tell you!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me, and I'll tell you!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me, and I'll tell you!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me, and I'll tell you!
Robin Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!
Sam and Janet Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet evening.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet evening.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet evening.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet evening.
Save the Polar Bears
During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband's slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."
"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.
Her husband's slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."
During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove. "The poor...
Wevill Who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there..!
Wevill
Wevill who?
We will we will Rock you.
Who's there..!
Wevill
Wevill who?
We will we will Rock you.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there..!
Wevill
Wevill who?
We will we will Rock you.
Who's there..!
Wevill
Wevill who?
We will we will Rock you.
Great Writers
A customer at our bookstore asked me, "Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play."
A customer at our bookstore asked me, "Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play."
Listening Skills
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having."
"That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?"
"Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."
"That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?"
"Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn’t even know we were having." "That’s great!"...
Fate
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he’s told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything...
Late for Work
Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
"What happened to you?" his boss asks.
"I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.
"That took you a whole hour?"
"What happened to you?" his boss asks.
"I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.
"That took you a whole hour?"
Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. "What happened to you?" his boss asks. "I...
Final Farewell
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"
Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan....
Among the Living
Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The student thinks it over, then answers, "The living one."
The student thinks it over, then answers, "The living one."
Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The student thinks it over, then...
Good for Ants
A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?"
"No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"
"No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"
A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?" "No," says the salesperson. "It’ll kill ’em!"
Ridiculous Town Name
Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo-
gogoch.*
Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, "Would you please say where we are—very slowly?"
The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, "Burrr-gerrr Kinngg."
*We kid you not! The 3,000 people in this community on the island of Anglesey must spend hours writing their return address.
Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo- gogoch.* Baffled by the name, one of them turns...
Silly Teacher
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.
Millie: I is …
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Millie: I is …
Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."
Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i. Millie: I is … Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am." Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
In the Stomach
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.
"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."
"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."
A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he’s been eating. "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow...
Odd Package
An officer in my unit in Iraq was on the phone with his mom. She asked if there was anything he needed. Yes, he told her, lots of ChapStick.
There must have been something wrong with the connection. His mom sent him what she thought he asked for: 300 pairs of chopsticks.
There must have been something wrong with the connection. His mom sent him what she thought he asked for: 300 pairs of chopsticks.
An officer in my unit in Iraq was on the phone with his mom. She asked if there was anything he needed. Yes, he told her, lots of ChapStick. There...
Army Girl
"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."
"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."
"But I don't want to be a pilot."
"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."
Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."
"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."
"But I don't want to be a pilot."
"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."
Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."
"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army." "Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you." "But I...
3 Resume Killers
Looking for a job? Try to avoid these résumé bombs, collected from bemused hiring managers:
Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."
Candidate explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."
Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."
Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."
Candidate explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."
Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."
Looking for a job? Try to avoid these résumé bombs, collected from bemused hiring managers: Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."...
Lost the Keys
I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband's keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.
"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."
"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."
I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed...
Bible Bafflement
My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone. When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead "That Nun Should Perish."
My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone. When his stationery...
4 Silly Tour Guide Questions
Think it's easy being a tour guide? VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions.
"Is Wales closed during the winter?"
"Why did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"
"Who feeds the Loch Ness monster?"
"Are there any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow?"
"Is Wales closed during the winter?"
"Why did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"
"Who feeds the Loch Ness monster?"
"Are there any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow?"
Think it’s easy being a tour guide? VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions. "Is Wales closed during the winter?" "Why did they build Windsor Castle on the...
Extra Supervision
When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.
One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."
One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."
When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks applicants what sort of supervision they’d be most comfortable with. One genius answered, "I’ve always thought Superman’s X-ray...
Unusual Beauty Contestant
An e-mail from our school principal: "The Miss BHS Beauty Pageant has been moved to Friday night instead of Saturday because of the contestants involved in the hog show."
An e-mail from our school principal: "The Miss BHS Beauty Pageant has been moved to Friday night instead of Saturday because of the contestants involved in the hog show."
Daily News
The irate customer calling our newspaper offices loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am," I interrupted, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."
There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
"Ma'am," I interrupted, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."
There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
The irate customer calling our newspaper offices loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma’am," I interrupted, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."...
Work Workout
After my daily jog to work, I found a colleague standing outside our building, puffing on a cigarette. Seeing that I was sweaty and out of breath, she became concerned. "Just how far away did you park?"
After my daily jog to work, I found a colleague standing outside our building, puffing on a cigarette. Seeing that I was sweaty and out of breath, she became concerned....
On Friends and Countrymen
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues. "That can't be true," another said.
"No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,”...
10 Quotes About Springtime
"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party'""
--Robin Williams
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
--David Letterman
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."
--Margaret Atwood
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Josh Billings
"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into."
-- Henry Ward Beecher
"Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes."
-- Clare Ansberry
"The earth laughs in flowers."
-- e e cummings
"At my age flowers scare me."
-- George Burns
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-- Doug Larsen
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
-- H. L Mencken
--Robin Williams
"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
--David Letterman
"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."
--Margaret Atwood
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Josh Billings
"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into."
-- Henry Ward Beecher
"Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes."
-- Clare Ansberry
"The earth laughs in flowers."
-- e e cummings
"At my age flowers scare me."
-- George Burns
"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-- Doug Larsen
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
-- H. L Mencken
Funny, uplifting and silly quotes about this beautiful time of year.
Paying Attention
When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another teacher and I were discussing in private, I decided it was time for an impromptu lesson in manners.
"Do you know what ‘minding your own business' means?" I asked pointedly.
He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted, "I do!"
"Do you know what ‘minding your own business' means?" I asked pointedly.
He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted, "I do!"
When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another teacher and I were discussing in private, I decided it was time for an impromptu lesson in manners. "Do...
Always Be Prepared
Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."
Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: The Dannemora fire department reminds you it’s fire prevention week. Practice your escape...
Grandmother Approved
Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.
"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.
"No, that's not it," she said.
We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."
"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.
"No, that's not it," she said.
We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."
Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn’t find a thing for her grandson. "Maybe a video or something...