A talking horse shows up at Dodger Stadium and persuades the manager to let him try out for the team.

In his first at bat, the horse rips the ball deep into right field—then just stands there.

"Run! Run!" the manager screams.

"Run?" says the horse. "If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby."

"For sale," read the ad in our hospital’s weekly newsletter, "sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn once, by mistake."

Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."

I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.

After years of battling the bulge, my sister finally lost weight. In fact, she shed so many pounds that her suits began to sag, leading one co-worker to suggest she alter her clothes to fit her new figure.

"Not yet," my sister said. "Let me enjoy the sag a little while first."

When my husband pointed out my tendency to retell the same stories over and over, I reminded him that he was just as guilty.

"Allow me to clarify," he said in response. "I review. You repeat."

I love making clothes for my five-year-old granddaughter. And she, in turn, always seems happy to accept them. The other day, I asked if she would like me to make her a skirt.

"Yes," she said. "But this time, could you make it look like it came from a store?"

Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you'll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Even at age 88, my mother was vain about her looks. At a party, an old friend exclaimed, "Edith, you haven't changed in 20 years."

"Oh," said Mom, horrified. "I hope I didn't look like this 20 years ago."

Up on the screen at our local multiplex, the star whispered to his female costar, "I want you to be my mistress."

"What's a mistress?" my eight-year-old granddaughter yelled out.

Then the man gave the woman a passionate kiss.

"Never mind," my granddaughter said.

Safe Haven Small Animal Hospital 24 Hour Veterinary Service Bill Mosley, DVM 200 E. Norway 936-4798 Hunters Welcome!

After a number of attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

"A for apple," he began. "P for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for—"

The flustered agent interrupted. "I have a better idea," she said. "Just tell me how many apples and how many pineapples."

As I pulled into a crowded parking lot, I asked the cop standing there, "Is it all right to park here?"

"No," he said. "Can't you see that No Parking sign?"

"What about all those other cars in there?"

He shrugged. "They didn't ask."

En route to Atlanta, my stepfather spotted some mules by the side of the road. "Relatives?" he asked my mother.

Not taking the bait, she responded, "Yeah, through marriage."

One of our projects at military leadership school called for us to speak in front of the class on a topic picked by our instructor. A classmate gave an impassioned speech on the benefits of drinking liquor. Alcohol, he insisted, warded off colds, kept you alert, and even made you steadier on your feet.

"Good job," said our instructor when he finished. "Only one thing: Your topic was the benefits of drinking liquids, not liquor."

Seen on the bathroom door of an upscale spa: "Caution! Toilets flushed with reclaimed water. Do not drink!"

We were discussing the Middle East when my friend asked about the Kurds. "They want their own homeland," I explained. "But Iraq won't give up any land for it, and neither will Iran or Turkey."

"So what you're saying is," he concluded, "they won't let the Kurds have their way?"

Standing in line at a restaurant, I noticed that the few available tables left had not been cleaned off. I mentioned this to the cashier, who told the manager. A minute later, an annoyed-looking teen emerged from the back with spray bottle and paper towels in hand.

"All right," she bellowed clear across the crowded dining room, "which one of you people wanted a clean table?"

Our salesman at the electronics store was pitching a high-definition television. A fellow shopper, overhearing the spiel, mentioned that he'd upgraded his regular TV to high-def. "How'd you do that?" my husband asked.

"I dusted the screen."

A woman walked into the elevator tossing her keys up in the air and catching them. After one too many tosses, she dropped the keys, and we watched as they disappeared into the crack between the open doors and the floor. I felt terrible for her. Or I did until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening up in her neighborhood."How convenient," she said."I can walk to it."

Tired of doom-and-gloom headlines? We are too! At Reader's Digest, we believe it's our job to act as an antidote to all the negativity in the news. That's what convinced us to pick our June cover model. We took one look at that face and couldn't help but smile. Hence, the birth of our June cover line: "Oh, cheer up!" Now we're challenging you to share your funniest ideas about what the baby is thinking. Take a look at our cover and share your thoughts. We'll publish our favorites on readersdigest.com! [caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="300"] June 2009 Cover[/caption]

The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly, a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing his trip. "The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me didn't stop crying for the whole flight."

Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: "What did the owner do?"

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn't until I got home that I read the label.

"This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can't believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing like wild in the yard!"

"See?" he said. "You're smarter already."

At my ten-year-old's request, I loaded my Rolling Stones tunes onto his iPod.

"I had no idea you liked the Stones," I said.

"Sure. I like all that old-fashioned music," he said.

"What do you mean, 'old-fashioned music'?"

"You know," he said defensively. "Music from the 1900s."

My husband, who uses a wheelchair, showed up at his eye doctor's for an appointment. The receptionist checked the schedule, then said, "The nurse will call you in a moment. Have a seat."

He smiled. "Done."

A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. "Do you have references?" she asked. The member replied, "Do they have to be living?"

After months of fruitless searching, I ran across a job in the want ads that I knew I was qualified for. The posting read "Position may be filled by male or female only."

I was on my way out of the house to meet with a cantankerous client, and I was dreading it. The look on my face must have given me away because my four-year-old daughter asked what was wrong.
"I'm going to meet a woman who always yells at Daddy," I told her.
"Oh," she said. "Say hi to Mom."

What's the finest example of fiction today? The résumé. Here are some classics sent to bemused hiring managers.

Candidate listed military service dating back to before he was born.
Candidate claimed to be a member of the Kennedy family.
Job seeker claimed to be the CEO of a company, when he was an hourly employee.
Job seeker included samples of work, which were actually those of the interviewer.

I'd contacted a butcher to get sheep brains for a lecture in my neuroanatomy class and said I'd be by to pick them up. But when I arrived at his shop, it was closed. Taped to the door was this note: "Teacher, your brains are next door at the barbershop."

I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me.

"Going out?" I called to them.

"No," said the man. "Just friends."

The biggest loser at my weight-loss club was an elderly woman. "How'd you do it?" we asked. "Easy," she said. "Every night I take my teeth out at six o'clock."

This ad in the Bozeman Daily Chronicle was obviously directed toward pet lovers only: "Free to good home, a loving Jack Russell terror dog."

At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist: "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"

"No, that's the next sheet," she said. "This one says you still have to pay us."

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ach.
Ach who?
Bless you!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the trunk, you pack-a the suitcase.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!

Knock! Knock!
Boo
Boo who?
It's me, why are you crying?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cow
Cow who?
Cow's don't "who" they "MOO"

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me, and I'll tell you!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin' you! So hand over your money!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet evening.

During a trip to the zoo, we saw a sign posted next to the empty polar bear exhibit stating that the bear had died after eating a glove.

"The poor polar bear," remarked the woman standing next to us.

Her husband's slightly different reaction: "The poor guy wearing the glove."

Knock! Knock!
Who's there..!
Wevill
Wevill who?
We will we will Rock you.

A customer at our bookstore asked me, "Do you have the original book Romeo and Juliet? My daughter needs it for school, and all I can find is the play."

"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having."

"That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?"

"Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you." "That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."

Johnson, who always shows up for work on time, comes in an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

"What happened to you?" his boss asks.

"I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answers.

"That took you a whole hour?"

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

Interviewing a college applicant, the dean of admissions asks, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The student thinks it over, then answers, "The living one."

A garden center customer picks up a container of insecticide and asks the salesperson, "Is this good for red ants?"

"No," says the salesperson. "It'll kill 'em!"

Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo- gogoch.* Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, "Would you please say where we are—very slowly?" The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, "Burrr-gerrr Kinngg." *We kid you not! The 3,000 people in this community on the island of Anglesey must spend hours writing their return address.

Teacher: Millie, give me a sentence starting with i.

Millie: I is …

Teacher: No, Millie. Always say, "I am."

Millie: Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.

"I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."

"I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

An officer in my unit in Iraq was on the phone with his mom. She asked if there was anything he needed. Yes, he told her, lots of ChapStick.

There must have been something wrong with the connection. His mom sent him what she thought he asked for: 300 pairs of chopsticks.

"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don't want to be a pilot."

"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."

Looking for a job? Try to avoid these résumé bombs, collected from bemused hiring managers:

Candidate specified that his availability was limited because Friday, Saturday, and Sunday was "drinking time."

Candidate explained an arrest by stating, "We stole a pig, but it was a really small pig."

Advertising is a tough business. Which may be why one prospective adman wrote a cover letter boasting, "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband's keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall.

"Don't bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn't have gone anywhere near it."

My friend opened a ministry, using a snippet from the Bible as the name. But he soon regretted his decision to order office supplies over the phone. When his stationery arrived, it bore the letterhead "That Nun Should Perish."

Think it's easy being a tour guide? VisitBritain, a travel bureau, has compiled these tourist questions.

"Is Wales closed during the winter?"

"Why did they build Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow?"

"Who feeds the Loch Ness monster?"

"Are there any Sheena Easton museums in Glasgow?"

When hiring new staff at her public library, my daughter always asks applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most comfortable with.

One genius answered, "I've always thought Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

An e-mail from our school principal: "The Miss BHS Beauty Pageant has been moved to Friday night instead of Saturday because of the contestants involved in the hog show."

The irate customer calling our newspaper offices loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Ma'am," I interrupted, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday."

There was a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."

After my daily jog to work, I found a colleague standing outside our building, puffing on a cigarette. Seeing that I was sweaty and out of breath, she became concerned. "Just how far away did you park?"

Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. "I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants," commented one of my colleagues. "That can't be true," another said. "No," agreed a Native American co-worker. "There's a lot more of you than that."

"Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party'""
--Robin Williams


"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
--David Letterman


"In the spring, at the end of the day, you should smell like dirt."
--Margaret Atwood


"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
-- Josh Billings


"Flowers are the sweetest things God ever made and forgot to put a soul into."
-- Henry Ward Beecher


"Gardens and flowers have a way of bringing people together, drawing them from their homes."
-- Clare Ansberry


"The earth laughs in flowers."
-- e e cummings


"At my age flowers scare me."
-- George Burns


"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers."
-- Doug Larsen


"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."
-- H. L Mencken

When a nosy fourth-grade student wanted the scoop on what another teacher and I were discussing in private, I decided it was time for an impromptu lesson in manners.

"Do you know what ‘minding your own business' means?" I asked pointedly.

He didn't, but a student clear across the room shouted, "I do!"

Seen on a marquee outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York: The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson.

"Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.

"No, that's not it," she said.

We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.

"This is perfect," she said, beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."