While filling up at a gas station, I accidentally spilled gasoline on my shirt. When I went inside to pay, I noticed a woman crinkling her nose. Embarrassed, I tried to put her mind at ease. "If you smell gas," I said, "it's me."

Seen on a Laundromat bulletin board: "For Sale—Car. Must be towed. Gets great gas mileage."

My sister explained to my nephew how his voice would eventually change as he grew up. Tyler was exuberant at the prospect. "Cool!" he said. "I hope I get a German accent."

An item on craigslist: "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. If she's home, $100."

The subject line on the e-mail sent by our campus ministry after Easter read "He is risen!" But the next day, we received a rather startling message intended to clear up a minor typo in the first e-mail. The subject line now read "He is risen—correction."

At the salon, I overheard the receptionist admit to another customer, "I haven't taken my vitamins today. I'm walking around unprotected."

The customer commiserated with her. "I haven't taken my Prozac today—everyone's walking around unprotected."

Apéritif: French for "a set of dentures."

Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.

One of the players on our junior high football team never saw action in a game. But my brother, the assistant coach, liked the kid and always gave him pep talks.

"Remember, Ben," he told him, "everyone on this team has an important role. There is no I in team."

"True," said the boy. "But there is a Ben in bench.

Scary business headline: "Air Traffic Controllers Can Apply for Job in Braille"

Fog forced our Puerto Rico-to-New York plane to be diverted to Washington, D.C. As I left the cockpit, a passenger complained, "A little bit of fog never stopped a train from getting to its destination."

I was about to respond, but his wife did the honors. "That’s right, Charlie," she said.

"Next time you want to go from San Juan to New York, you take the train."

According to careerbuilder.com, a full 15 percent of workers admit to getting to the office late at least once a week. And here are some of their excuses:

I have transient amnesia and couldn’t remember my job.

I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.

Someone stole all my daffodils.

I had to go audition for American Idol.

I was trying to get my gun back from the police.

Everyone has a right to make money. A sign posted at a local pub reads "Be safe: Don't drink and drive. But please still drink."

"Baby born 10 months premature"

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.

"Was the area well lit?"

"No. It was pretty dark."

"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."

"For sale: Red storage building, slightly damaged. Will not last long."

Here's a job to avoid: hiring manager. See what you'd have to contend with?

The candidate answered his cell phone and asked the interviewer to leave her own office because it was a "private" conversation.

The candidate told the interviewer he wouldn't stay with the job long because he might get an inheritance if his uncle died—and the old man wasn't "looking too good."

The candidate said she couldn't provide a writing sample because all her writing had been for the CIA and it was "classified."

When the applicant was offered food, he declined, saying he didn't want to line his stomach with grease before going out drinking.

The candidate flushed the toilet while talking to the interviewer during a phone interview.

While I was making a huge batch of snickerdoodle cookies, I asked my ten-year-old to read the recipe and ingredients off the box to me, doubling them as he went along. He did as he was told. His first instruction: "Preheat the oven to 700 degrees."

After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"

"Neither," she said. "It's a fish."

Forget about Halloween. If you're really eager to frighten the kids, just read them these headlines. "TV ads boost eating of obese children"

1. Past Lives On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die." -- Quin Gilbert 2. Mr. Summertime We all grew up in a town on the New Jersey shore and spent our summers at the beach, swimming, surfing, hanging out with friends. One of my friends loved the season so much, we began calling him Mr. Summertime. "What happens when summer is over?" someone asked. I thought for a minute, then said, "In September he becomes the Fall Guy." -- J. Cummings 3. Wishful Thinking My two-year-old cousin scared us one summer by disappearing during our lakeside vacation. More than a dozen relatives searched the forest and shoreline, and everyone was relieved when we found Matthew playing calmly in the woods. "Listen to me, Matthew," his mother said sharply. "From now on when you want to go someplace, you tell Mommy first, okay?" Matthew thought about that for a moment and said, "Okay. Disney World." -- Leah Hallenbeck 4. Moving Forward The summer after college graduation, I was living at home, fishing in the daytime, spending nights with my friends—generally just hanging out. One afternoon my grandfather, who never went to college, stopped by. Concerned with how I was spending my time, he asked about my future plans. I told him I was in no hurry to tie myself down to a career. "Well," he replied, "you better start thinking about it. You'll be thirty before you know it." "But I'm closer to twenty than to thirty," I protested. "I won't be thirty for eight more years." "I see," he said, smiling. "And when will you be twenty again?" -- Marshall K. Essig 5. Sounding Off I was with a friend in a café when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation. "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud. "Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me. "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'. Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to our driveway and jostle his car." -- Sheila Moore 6. A Perfect Fit For her summer job, my 18-year-old daughter arranged interviews at several day-care centers. At one meeting, she sat down on one of the kiddie seats, no simple task for most people. The interview went well, and at the end, the day-care center director asked the standard question, "Can you give me one good reason we should hire you?" "Because I fit in the chairs." She got the job. -- Judith L. McKay 7. Tag Sale Special I was getting ready for a tag sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer." -- Mary E. Koppelmann 8. Clowning Around Before heading on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long the protective eye shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself I was overreacting -- until I was in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me, "Are you giving out balloons?" he asked. -- Nina Secviar, Hammond, Ind. 9. Hotter Cooler On a recent vacation at a resort with my in-laws, we planned to spend an afternoon at the pool with our kids. We wanted to bring our own drinks, but were unsure of the hotel's policy. My brother-in-law called the front desk, and assuming everyone was familiar with the brand of ice chest he had, asked if it was all right if he brought a Playmate to the pool. After a pause the clerk asked, "Does she have her own towel?" -- Tina M. Digiovanna 10. Forcast Vacationing in Vermont, I picked up the local paper to check out the forecast. It read: Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight: Not so sunny, 55. -- Norrine Trono 11. Beach Date Our first day at a resort my wife and I decided to hit the beach. When I went back to our room to get something to drink, one of the hotel maids was making our bed. I grabbed my cooler and was on my way out when I paused and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?" "Sure," she said, "but I have to finish the rest of the rooms first." -- Louis Allard 12. Familiar Faces Vacationing in Hawaii, two priests decide to wear casual clothes so they won't be identified as clergy. They buy Hawaiian shirts and sandals, and soon hit the beach. They notice a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini. "Good afternoon, Fathers," she says as she strolls by. The men are stunned. How does she know they're clergy? Later they buy even wilder attire: surfer shorts, tie-dyed T-shirts, and dark glasses. The next day, they return to the beach. The same fabulous blonde, now wearing a string bikini, passes by, nods politely at them, and says, "Good morning, Fathers." "Just a minute, young lady," says one of the priests. "We are priests and proud of it, but how in the world did you know?" "Don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Kathryn from the convent." -- Michael Rana 13. Noisy by Nature Some people just aren't happy unless they have something to complain about. I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California -- an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, "Did you enjoy your stay?" "Not really," the man said grimly. "I'm sorry to hear that," the manager apologized. "What was the problem?" "The surf was too loud." -- Daniel Vargas 14. Something's Fishy While in the men's room at a beach park in Florida, I noticed they had a plastic baby-changing table installed on the wall. Apparently, some sportsmen had co-opted this politically correct amenity for their own use. Above the table was a sign saying: "It is unlawful to clean fish on this table." -- Cliff Revell 15. Out of Breath While editing announcements for a newspaper, I came across an item promoting a camp for children with asthma. Aside from all the wonderful activities the kids could enjoy, such as canoeing, swimming, crafts and more, it promised that its lakefront property offered something the kids probably did not expect: "breathtaking views." -- Christy Nichols 16. Young Man Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave." Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?" -- Janice Palko 17. Fast Swimmer I was talking on the phone with my son, who was stationed in Hawaii with the Air Force. He was explaining how the troops were learning to scuba-dive. They used the buddy system, he said, and occasionally dived into shark-infested waters. Listening on the extension, my daughter asked, "What do you do when you see a shark?" Said my son, "Swim faster than my buddy." -- Joan Nozkowski

Inmates at our Ohio prison are allowed to shine shoes in order to make a few extra bucks. One day, I was having my shoes shined when the prisoner began to complain.

"Here I am with a degree, and I have to resort to shining shoes," he grumbled.

"What kind of degree do you have?" I asked.

Without looking up: "First degree."

When I arrived at my mother's apartment complex, I was greeted by the disconcerting sight of a fire truck parked outside. There was no sign of smoke, and the firefighters didn't seem worried. Still, I asked one, "Is it safe to go inside? I'm a little wary of entering a building when the fire truck's lights are on."

"Don't worry about it," he said. "We do it all the time."

Halfway through a romantic dinner, my husband smiled and said, "You look so beautiful under these lights." I was falling in love all over again when he added, "We gotta get some of these lights."

"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy."

When he received a journal as a gift, my eight-year-old son was mystified. "Mom, what am I supposed to do with this? The pages are blank."

"You write down interesting stuff that happens to you," I said.

"So it's like a blog … on paper."

One day my three-year-old daughter asked when her birthday was. Knowing that the date, April 14, would mean nothing to her, I said, "It's either just before or just after Easter."

"Great," she said. "You don't know when my birthday is either."

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."

I was sprawled on the living-room couch watching my favorite show on the Food Network when my husband walked in.

"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don't even cook."

Glaring back at him, I asked, "Then why do you watch football?"

A middle school in New Ipswich, New Hampshire, encourages freethinking. A sign outside the school reads, "You are unique—just like everyone else."

Following my husband's physical exam, the doctor delivered some bad news. "Your white blood cells are elevated," he said.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

Looking concerned, the doctor explained, "Up."

My daughter and her husband, naval reservists, have an eight-year-old son. When one of his parochial school classmates told my daughter that Angus had said a bad word, she said, "He can't help it. Both his parents are sailors."

Author Cindy Chupack coined these useful neologisms to help those dating today.

Man-me-downs: Men who are passed on from one woman to another after a failed attempt at romance.

Cupidity: The faulty logic that leads a well-meaning but clueless third party to believe that two random singles are perfect for each other.

DNRR (Do Not Resuscitate Romance): A directive that you are not, under any circumstance, allowed to revive a past relationship.

"How was your blind date?"

"Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce."

"What's so terrible about that?"

"He was the original owner."

Carrying two dead raccoons, a buzzard tries to check in at LAX for the red-eye to New York. "Sorry, sir," says the ticket agent. "We allow only one item of carrion."

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

The meek shall inherit the earth … if it's okay with the rest of you.

Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Would you?"

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."

"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.

"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

The pastor asks his flock, "What would you like people to say when you're in your casket?" One congregant says, "I'd like them to say I was a fine family man." Another says, "I'd like them to say I helped people." The third responds, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! I think he's moving!' "

Our hometown baseball team is called the Possums. They get killed on the road.

We disbar lawyers and we defrock clergy, so why don't we:
Delight electricians?
Derange cowboys?
Depose models?
Debark tree surgeons?
Depress dry cleaners?

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"

A neighborhood photography studio offered a special that few could resist. The sign read, "Now Shooting Seniors for Free."

One diagnostic-imaging center claims that its high-tech medical procedures are second to none. The center's newspaper advertisement proclaimed, CT Colonoscopy: No Scope, No Sedation, No Recovery.

A customer brought her car into our Saturn dealership complaining of rattling noises. Later, the technician said the problem was no big deal. "Just a case of CTIP: Customer Thinks It's a Porsche."

During my first meeting with my physically challenged students, I assured them that most people are handicapped in some way.

"Look at me," I said. "My eyes are so bad, I need to wear glasses. Because I can barely hear, I need a hearing aid. And look at my ears—they're much bigger than they should be."

From the back, a boy added, "And your nose too."

When my ex-Marine father-in-law was at my house, our six-year-old neighbor came by to play with my kids.

I asked her if she knew who he was. She looked up at him with her big blue eyes and said, "I don't remember what his name is, but I know he used to be a submarine."

During his fourth week of basic training, my grandson was able to make a brief phone call to me. He said he was attending church on base every week, which I was pleased to hear.

"Everyone goes to church here," he added. "It's the only place we don't get yelled at."

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.

A guy sees a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar. He walks up to her and says, "Where have you been all my life?"

"Well," she says, "for the first half of it, I wasn't even born."

‘Where is everybody?" the cowpoke asks.

"They've all gone to see Brown Paper Pete hang," says a bystander.

"Why do they call him that?" the cowboy asks.

"Well, he always wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper trousers."

"Really?" says the cowboy. "And what are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling."

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree but also admitted it. Now, Joey, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

Joey: Because George still had the ax in his hand?

Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That's nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," says the tour guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asks.

"Yes. He wrote a big check."

It's really humid in the woods, so the two hiking buddies remove their shirts and shoes. But when they spot a sign saying "Beware of bears," one of them stops to put his shoes back on.

"What's the point?" the other says. "You can't outrun a bear."

"Actually," says his friend, "all I have to do is outrun you."

A tour bus stops in Runnymede, England, and the guide says it was here that the Magna Carta was signed.

"When did they sign it?" one passenger asks.

"1215," the guide responds.

"Dang! We missed it by 20 minutes."

Fred comes home from his usual Saturday golf game. "What a terrible day," he tells his wife. "Harry dropped dead on the tenth tee."

"Oh, that's awful!" she says.

"You're not kidding," says Fred. "For the whole back nine, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry …"

An acquaintance of ours was—how do I put this delicately?—not well loved. So when he died, I was amazed to see how many people showed up for his funeral.

"I'm not surprised," said my husband. "As P. T. Barnum said, ‘Give the people what they want and they'll show up.' "

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

Driving along a country road, I ignored a Bridge Out sign and continued on. But in a few miles I came to a stop: The road was completely barricaded. So I turned around and retraced my route. That's when I saw this sign on the back of the first: "It was, wasn't it?"

After cashing a check at the bank, the woman in front of me stood staring at her money. "Did I give you enough back?" asked the teller. "Yes," she said. "But barely."

As I was admitted to the hospital prior to a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying, "I'm going to give you a bracelet."

"Has it got rubies and diamonds?" I asked coyly.

"No," he said. "But it costs just as much."

When I asked a friend the secret to his 52 years of marriage, he replied, "We never go to sleep angry."

"That's a great philosophy," I noted.

"Yes. And the longest we've been awake so far is five days."

I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, "Lost satellite contact." I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, "Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

When our school librarian announced she was changing schools, my fellow teacher asked a student, "Why do you think Ms. Richardson is leaving?"

The third grader opined, "Because she's read all our books?"

I input a junior manager's self-evaluation, which said in part, "I have been on the job for three months, and I finally feel as if I've accomplished something." I made one mistake, however. I replaced the word job with John.

Proofreading an instruction manual for a hospital ventilator, I did a double take when I came across this questionable troubleshooting tip: "If the problem persists, replace patient immediately."

A guy finds a sheep wandering in his neighborhood and takes it to the police station. The desk sergeant says, "Why don't you just take it to the zoo?"

The next day, the sergeant spots the same guy walking down the street—with the sheep. "I thought I told you to take that sheep to the zoo," the sergeant says.

"I know what you told me," the guy responds. "Yesterday I took him to the zoo. Today I'm taking him to the movies."

The pastor decides to use one rich parishioner to set an example. "John," he says, "you're a successful businessman; surely you could contribute more to the building fund."

John replies, "But my mother is in a nursing home, my daughter just lost her job, and my son is starting college … If I can say no to them, I can say no to you too."

'If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She's left-handed."