Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help. "I need you to pray for my hearing," he tells the preacher. The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and...
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Courtship
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year. So he waits 14 agonizing years—accumulating all his words—before approaching his beloved.
Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat. He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling,
I have waited many years to say this: Will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"
A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one...
Lightbulb
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
A: Who cares? They never get the house anyway.
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Movie Quotes—The First Drafts
The Godfather: "I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer like this, I’d jump all over it. But who am I to impose my feelings on someone else?"
The Terminator: "I’ll be back. Do you need anything while I’m up?"
Dirty Harry: "You’ve got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? I ask myself that every day, and you know what? I feel so very lucky. Loving family, steady work …"
Taxi Driver: "You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Sorry, it looked like you were talkin’ to me. My mistake."
The Godfather: “I’m gonna make him an offer he can’t refuse. Well, he can refuse it, of course. I just know that if someone were to make me an offer...
Arguments
One thing I’ve learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with "What did you mean by that?" it’s not going to end with "Now I know what you mean by that."
One thing I’ve learned from my last relationship is that if an argument starts with "What did you mean by that?" it’s not going to end with "Now I know...
Movie Producer
At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements by stating, "At least I can say I have been a Hollywood movie producer."
The woman nodded. "I'll make a note of that: ‘has-been movie producer.'"
At a restaurant one night, the man at the next table was pulling out all the stops to impress his underwhelmed date. He crowned a lengthy list of lifetime achievements...
Overachievers
All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception. The bumper sticker on his car read "My Kid Made Your License Plate."
All parents are proud of overachieving children, and one father was no exception. The bumper sticker on his car read "My Kid Made Your License Plate."
Breaking Up
You know you're dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?
You know you're dating the wrong guy when your friend steals your boyfriend and all you can think is, What does she see in him?
In Trouble
Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise's friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him home with a kiss and some loving words," she says. "He might change his ways."
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It's late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I'll get in trouble if I go home."
That night, Harry stumbles back home as usual. But instead of berating him, Louise helps him into an easy chair, puts his feet up on the ottoman, removes his shoes, and gently massages his neck.
"It's late," she whispers. "I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you?"
"Might as well," says Harry. "I'll get in trouble if I go home."
Every night, Harry goes out drinking. And every night, his wife, Louise, yells at him. One day, one of Louise’s friends suggests that she try a different tack. "Welcome him...
Giving It Away
As the soldier drove up to the Air Force base gate, my husband, who was on security detail at the time, had an inkling that the driver might have had a few. What gave him away? The guy thought he was at a tollbooth and handed my husband a dollar bill.
As the soldier drove up to the Air Force base gate, my husband, who was on security detail at the time, had an inkling that the driver might have had...
Water Colors
Tourists say some odd things when they charter my boat in Key West. "How many sunset sails do you have at night?" asked one. Another wondered, "Does the water go around the island?"
But the most interesting came when I asked a customer why she'd brought along a dozen empty jars. She answered, "I want to take home a sample of each color of water that we'll be going in."
But the most interesting came when I asked a customer why she'd brought along a dozen empty jars. She answered, "I want to take home a sample of each color of water that we'll be going in."
Tourists say some odd things when they charter my boat in Key West. "How many sunset sails do you have at night?" asked one. Another wondered, "Does the water go...
Pizza Delivery
I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! The pizzas!"
I was delivering pizzas when I fell hard onto the sidewalk. Seeing me sprawled on the ground, my concerned customer yelled, "Oh, no! The pizzas!"
Court of Less Appeal
Justice isn't just blind—it's snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes:
Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn't that enough?
Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!
Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.
Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn't that enough?
Q: Isn't it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can't prove it!
Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.
Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.
Justice isn’t just blind—it’s snickering at these real courtroom give-and-takes: Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie? Witness: Yes. I...
Latin
When I worked in my school library, a very confused guy asked me for help. "The computer just started typing in Latin. I can't understand it," he said. It turns out he was typing in italics.
When I worked in my school library, a very confused guy asked me for help. "The computer just started typing in Latin. I can’t understand it," he said. It turns...
Everything Bagels
Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.
Just between you and me, I think "everything" bagels are making a lot of promises they can’t keep.
Investigation Training
I enrolled in an online school to become a private investigator. I gave them my money, and then I never heard back from them. I thought, Either I just got ripped off, or this is my first case.
I enrolled in an online school to become a private investigator. I gave them my money, and then I never heard back from them. I thought, Either I just got...
Hair Loss
Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote, "My Grandpa went to Vietnam and got his hair shot off."
Our friend tells everyone that he began losing his hair while serving in Vietnam. His granddaughter incorporated that information into her grade school history report on the war. She wrote,...
Top Secret
The Department of Defense has a Contact Us link on its website inviting readers to pose any question they want. One guy did just that: "So do you have any top secret information you would like to tell me? I am doing a project for my senior economics class and was just wondering ... E-mail me back."
The Department of Defense has a Contact Us link on its website inviting readers to pose any question they want. One guy did just that: "So do you have any...
Tool Time
The chief and I were on our submarine trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches we had didn't fit the connections, so he resorted to banging away at the hoses to make things fit. Just then an ensign walked by.
"Chief," he yelled out, "I have a book on tools you can borrow."
"Get it!" shouted the chief. "It's got to be heavier than this wrench I'm using."
"Chief," he yelled out, "I have a book on tools you can borrow."
"Get it!" shouted the chief. "It's got to be heavier than this wrench I'm using."
The chief and I were on our submarine trying in vain to hook up some fire hoses. The wrenches we had didn’t fit the connections, so he resorted to banging...
Naming Game
My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I'm naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.
My mom wants me to name my kids after people in our family. So I'm naming my firstborn Uncle Karl.
Happy Trails
When my summer teaching post in the Czech Republic came to an end, I told my students my next teaching destination would be in Australia, "the land down under." On my final day, they presented me with a card. The carefully worded note read "Good luck, and happy journey to the underworld."
When my summer teaching post in the Czech Republic came to an end, I told my students my next teaching destination would be in Australia, "the land down under." On...
Frame of Reference
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.
"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.
"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.
"And how did that turn out?"
"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."
"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer.
"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.
"And how did that turn out?"
"I don't know," she said. "Ask me when I'm dead."
When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers. "Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff’s lawyer....
Meet and Greet
Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
Spotted outside a church in Michigan: "Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him."
Speaking English
After sailing across the Atlantic, my family and I arrived in France. Wanting directions and sorely in need of conversation, my father stopped a passerby and asked if he spoke English. Sizing up my disheveled father, the man warily responded, "Sometimes."
After sailing across the Atlantic, my family and I arrived in France. Wanting directions and sorely in need of conversation, my father stopped a passerby and asked if he spoke...
In the Freezer
My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it gave me a start when, looking through the freezer, I found packages labeled steak, chicken breast, and Molly.
My husband is—how should I put this—cheap, once going so far as to reuse the freezer bags our grown daughter Molly left behind after a visit. Needless to say, it...
Comfortable
While I was planning a trip to Nova Scotia, a Titanic-related tour caught my eye. The description: "Learn of the Titanic tragedy along with a guided visit to the Fairview Lawn Cemetery, where 121 victims are still buried on a deluxe air-conditioned motorcoach."
While I was planning a trip to Nova Scotia, a Titanic-related tour caught my eye. The description: “Learn of the Titanic tragedy along with a guided visit to the Fairview...
Ghostwriter
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.
My house is haunted by a ghostwriter. Last night, I came home and my autobiography had been written.
Weight Watchers
Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale.
"Don’t go on that, Joey," warned the boy’s slightly older brother.
"It makes people cry."
"Don’t go on that, Joey," warned the boy’s slightly older brother.
"It makes people cry."
Following his motivational talk at a Weight Watchers meeting, my father noticed one client’s small son climbing onto a scale. "Don’t go on that, Joey," warned the boy’s slightly older...
Waiting for Work
When I took my Weed Eater back to the home-and-garden store to get it fixed, I was asked if I wanted to wait until the job was done.
"How long will it take?" I asked.
The clerk answered, "A day or two."
"How long will it take?" I asked.
The clerk answered, "A day or two."
When I took my Weed Eater back to the home-and-garden store to get it fixed, I was asked if I wanted to wait until the job was done. "How long...
Easy to Forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted...
Moving Time
I was in the back of our ambulance tending to a patient when we slowed to a crawl. Just ahead of us, a huge semi was hauling a house.
"Don’t you hate that?" said our driver. "When people are simply too lazy to pack."
"Don’t you hate that?" said our driver. "When people are simply too lazy to pack."
I was in the back of our ambulance tending to a patient when we slowed to a crawl. Just ahead of us, a huge semi was hauling a house. "Don’t...
Good Records
The pay for this gig is whatever you can haul away: "Need someone to sit with elderly man. Must have excellent references and current police record."
The pay for this gig is whatever you can haul away: "Need someone to sit with elderly man. Must have excellent references and current police record."
Fear Factor
I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, "Scared, lieutenant?"
"No," he replied. "Apprehensive."
"What's the difference?"
"That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
"No," he replied. "Apprehensive."
"What's the difference?"
"That means I'm scared, but with a university education."
I served in a parachute regiment. During a nighttime exercise, I was seated next to a young officer. He was looking a bit pale, so I asked, "Scared, lieutenant?" "No,"...
Happy
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was.
"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said.
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."
"Oh, we've been married ten years," I said.
"Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy."
My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big...
Men in Blue
My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues.
"What kind of costume is that?" he asked.
"That's not a costume," his grandfather growled. "Men have died for that uniform."
The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"
"What kind of costume is that?" he asked.
"That's not a costume," his grandfather growled. "Men have died for that uniform."
The boy looked up and said, "So you stole it, then?"
My five-year-old grandson was looking through some old photos when he noticed his grandfather in his Marine dress blues. "What kind of costume is that?" he asked. "That’s not a...
Adventures in Title Writing
What's the toughest part about writing a book? It's deciding what to call it, as these finalists for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year prove.
Afterthoughts of a Worm Hunter
An Intellectual History of Cannibalism
Father Christmas Needs a Wee!
Collectible Spoons of the 3rd Reich
The Changing World of Inflammatory Bowel Disease
What’s the toughest part about writing a book? It’s deciding what to call it, as these finalists for the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year prove. Afterthoughts...
Doing Business
As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I wanted his number, I took the opportunity to offer mine as well.
"Um," he stammered, "I was talking about my purchase-order number."
"Um," he stammered, "I was talking about my purchase-order number."
As a salesperson, I do a lot of business over the phone. One man who called to place an order had a nice voice, so when he asked if I...
Life's Luxuries
In these tough times, there are certain things we must all learn to stint on. Toilet paper, though, is not one of them. Waitrose, a high-end British supermarket, wants to turn your toilet into a throne with toilet paper made from cashmere. And the store is selling it for the unprincely sum of $3.60 for a four-pack. "It's the little luxuries that put a smile on your face," says a company spokesman.
In these tough times, there are certain things we must all learn to stint on. Toilet paper, though, is not one of them. Waitrose, a high-end British supermarket, wants to...
Assistant Needed
Here's an ad for a job that should be filled quickly: "Animal Hospital is seeking an Assistant. Must be flexible, reliable, and irresponsible."
Here's an ad for a job that should be filled quickly: "Animal Hospital is seeking an Assistant. Must be flexible, reliable, and irresponsible."
Casting Aspersions
A coworker stormed into my friend's office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a witch?!" Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don't know how she found out."
A coworker stormed into my friend’s office, yelling, "Did you tell Joan I was a witch?!" Stunned, my friend sputtered, "No! I don’t know how she found out."
Odd Requirements
This job requires a specialist: "A local corporation is seeking a medical billing specialist. 2 years exp. bilking Medicare."
This job requires a specialist: "A local corporation is seeking a medical billing specialist. 2 years exp. bilking Medicare."
Math Problems
When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain and ten representing excruciating pain, what would you say your pain level is now?"
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
She shook her head. "Oh, I don't know. I'm not good with math."
When a patient was wheeled into our emergency room, I was the nurse on duty. "On a scale of zero to ten," I asked her, "with zero representing no pain...
Need to Stretch
Our company was conducting free body mass index checkups. When a stout colleague climbed onto the machine, it spit out a slip of paper telling him what his weight-to-height ratio was and what it ought to be.
"What does it say?" I asked.
He replied, "I need to increase my height by six inches."
"What does it say?" I asked.
He replied, "I need to increase my height by six inches."
Our company was conducting free body mass index checkups. When a stout colleague climbed onto the machine, it spit out a slip of paper telling him what his weight-to-height ratio...
Left Unsaid
The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."
The unsaid part of "This is fascinating!" is "to me."
Mixed Emotions
I have mixed emotions when I receive Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me, but I'm disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.
I have mixed emotions when I receive Father's Day gifts. I'm glad my children remember me, but I'm disappointed that they actually think I dress that way.
Mother-in-Law Suite
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."
My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that...
Geography
The day after the Haitian earthquake, I got a frantic call from my daughter in Florida. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nate's been called up by the National Guard. He's going to Haiti," she said. Then came the tears: "I didn't even know we were at war with Haiti!"
"Nate's been called up by the National Guard. He's going to Haiti," she said. Then came the tears: "I didn't even know we were at war with Haiti!"
The day after the Haitian earthquake, I got a frantic call from my daughter in Florida. "What’s wrong?" I asked. "Nate’s been called up by the National Guard. He’s going...
Sermon Time
During our priest's sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that's the first time I actually put a plant to sleep."
During our priest’s sermon, a large plant fell over right behind the pulpit, crashing to the ground. Acknowledging his reputation for long-windedness, he smiled sheepishly and said, "Well, that’s the...
Interesting Conference
Closed-captioning still needs to iron out some kinks. A local news story regarding school closures declared: "The Cleveland Metropolitan School District is holding a nude conference. It promises to be quite an emotional event."
Closed-captioning still needs to iron out some kinks. A local news story regarding school closures declared: "The Cleveland Metropolitan School District is holding a nude conference. It promises to be...
Good Name
The Mexican restaurant looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.
"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
The Mexican restaurant looked great. Only one problem: It wasn’t open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and...
The Truth About Men
A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a nymphomaniac.
"What's that mean?" she asked.
"It's a female who's addicted to sex," I answered.
"What do they call males who are addicted to sex?"
"Men."
"What's that mean?" she asked.
"It's a female who's addicted to sex," I answered.
"What do they call males who are addicted to sex?"
"Men."
A friend and I were watching a film when a character called another a nymphomaniac. "What’s that mean?" she asked. "It’s a female who’s addicted to sex," I answered. "What...
3 Funny Conversations Overheard at Dinner
Anyone can eavesdrop, but not everyone thinks to record conversations for posterity. We thank those snoopers who alerted overheardinnewyork.com to these:
Guy: Your glasses can't be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault.
Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Girl: I'm very competitive.
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
Anyone can eavesdrop, but not everyone thinks to record conversations for posterity. We thank those snoopers who alerted overheardinnewyork.com to these: Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them!...
Guinness
We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! I'm a genius!"
We were shopping for clothes when my 13-year-old daughter spotted a hat with "Guinness" written on it. She put it on and proclaimed, "Look! I’m a genius!"
TMI
The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer.
"Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."
"Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a steady diet of fruit."
The waitress was refilling cups of coffee when she stopped at the table next to ours. "Regular?" she asked her customer. "Yes, thank you," said the man. "Due to a...
Car Wars
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods.
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.
"Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep."
The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
"So is mine. Got Wi-Fi?" The Rolls owner nods again.
"Me too. What about a double bed?"
"No. Do you?" asks the Rolls guy.
"Yep."
The Kia owner peers out. "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
A guy in a Kia pulls up next to a Rolls-Royce at a red light and asks, "Hey, is your car Bluetooth enabled?" The Rolls owner nods. "So is mine....
Scottish Folk
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."
A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic...
On Meditation
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.
Doing Something Wrong
As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet.
"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.
He mumbled back, "I got married."
"What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh.
He mumbled back, "I got married."
As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet. "What did you do wrong?" I...
High Hopes
I've always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw myself doing at five.
I’ve always been a disappointment. When I was five, I looked down at the crayons I was coloring with and sighed—when I was two, this is not what I saw...
Party Time
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.
My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.
Beware of Dog
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
"Is that the dog we're supposed to beware of?" he asks the owner.
"That's him," comes the reply.
"He doesn't look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?"
"Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: "Danger! Beware of Dog!" Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor. "Is...
Companion
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"
"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"
"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"
Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out. "Want to...
Job Change
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.
True Feelings
During a lecture on the influence of media on teens, a typo in the PowerPoint presentation revealed the professor's true opinion. The title read "Three Reasons Teens Are Vulnerable Toads."
During a lecture on the influence of media on teens, a typo in the PowerPoint presentation revealed the professor's true opinion. The title read "Three Reasons Teens Are Vulnerable Toads."
Uncontained Excitement
A sign outside a nursery: "It's spring! We're so excited, we wet our plants!"
A sign outside a nursery: "It's spring! We're so excited, we wet our plants!"
Bad Interviews
Going on a job interview? Take pity on the poor hiring managers, who filed these reports: "The applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room."
"The candidate told the interviewer he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss."
"An applicant said she was a ‘people person,' not a ‘numbers person,' in her interview for an accounting position.
"The candidate told the interviewer he was fired from his last job for beating up his boss."
"An applicant said she was a ‘people person,' not a ‘numbers person,' in her interview for an accounting position.
Going on a job interview? Take pity on the poor hiring managers, who filed these reports: "The applicant smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room." "The candidate...
Trio of Gifts
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked. "Real good," he said. "I got an SUV." "Nice." "Yeah …...
Tales From the Bookstore
A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the Bible.
After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
After searching for a particular book on dinosaurs in the science section without luck, a customer looked to me for help. She showed me a piece of paper with the title written on it: Thesaurus.
A woman stopped by our customer-service desk and asked me for a copy of the book that has Jesus in it. After much back-and-forth, I determined that she wanted the...
Drinking Buddies
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
"One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He knows when to stop."
Two guys are out drinking when one of them falls off his barstool and lies motionless on the floor. "One thing about Fred," his buddy says to the bartender. "He...
What's a Motto?
As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared "Death from below!"
Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"
Then, standing in line for chow one day, I was served by an Army cook. His T-shirt had a skull with a crossed fork and spoon underneath and yet another warning: "Death from within!"
As a new paratrooper, I was struck by all the T-shirts on base emblazoned with the motto "Death from above!" Later I noticed a submariner with a T-shirt that declared...
Distortion
I stood in the ice cream parlor watching in amazement as the girl behind the counter piled one mammoth scoop of ice cream after another onto my cone. It was so huge, I began to question whether she'd heard my order.
"Excuse me," I said. "Is that a small?"
As she poured on the toppings, she replied, "Not yet!"
"Excuse me," I said. "Is that a small?"
As she poured on the toppings, she replied, "Not yet!"
I stood in the ice cream parlor watching in amazement as the girl behind the counter piled one mammoth scoop of ice cream after another onto my cone. It was...
The Delicious Drug
My husband, a deputy district attorney, was teaching an antidrug class to a group of Cub Scouts. When he asked if anyone could list the gateway drugs, one Scout had the answer: "Cigarettes, beer, and marinara."
My husband, a deputy district attorney, was teaching an antidrug class to a group of Cub Scouts. When he asked if anyone could list the gateway drugs, one Scout had...
Name Game
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to come out of her shell."
"You need to be careful when writing comments," our principal told the faculty. He held a report card for a Susan Crabbe. A colleague had written, "Susan is beginning to...