When I was in high school, I wore Birkenstocks. Or as I call them now, the '90s version of a purity ring.

New Flat-Panel Television Pitch
Turn-Signal Vermilion
Credit-Card Magnetic-Strip Coal
Netflix-Envelope Scarlet
Cubicle Ecru
Unraked-Leaves Sienna
Energy-Efficient Fluorescent-Bulb Quartz
Blue-Screen-of-Death Cobalt

A motorist was driving down a rural dirt road when he came upon a stream. He called out to a man walking by, "Do you think I can drive my car through the stream?"

"I suppose you can," said the man.

So the driver started across, but within seconds, his car sank, and he barely escaped with his life.

"You lied to me!" the driver screamed at the passerby. "That stream is at least ten feet deep!"

"That's funny. It only reaches up to the middle of the ducks."

I often wonder about people who live in tropical destinations. What do their screen savers look like?

A teenager waltzed into our jewelry store to buy a cross for her boyfriend. I showed her a selection, and she pointed to three: "Can I see that one, that one, and the one with the little man on it?"

"Oh," I replied. "You mean Jesus?"

Clientsfromhell.com was established by freelance art directors and graphic designers who have seen the dark side of their clients … and survived.

Client No. 1: So it turns out you were right about me wanting a colon instead of a semicolon. But since we're on the subject, I'd like you to revisit the copy and include more semicolons. I want people to think we're smart.

Client No. 2: Since you have overbid on our project, can you recommend anyone who has your exact same design skills and client-relationship abilities for half the cost?

Client No. 3: Please be sure to print the cover and the table of contents at the front of the book, then print the chapters in this order: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.

An angry customer called me at the florist shop where I work. Her problem: the card. Her kids had sent the flowers and wanted it signed "Love, your two rugrats."

Instead, the card read "Love, your two regrets."

A touching tribute to a waitress, spotted outside a local restaurant: "RIP Sandy. We will miss you. Server needed."

Question on second-grade math quiz: "Tony drank 1/6 of a glass of juice. Emily drank 1/4 of a glass of juice. Emily drank more. Explain."

My grandson's answer: "She was more thirsty."

One woman raved about the rides at our water park, but she did have a valid complaint: "The water in the wave pool tastes horrible!"

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."

"Police were called to Market Square for a report about a ‘suspicious coin.' Investigating officer reported it was a quarter."

"The Learning Center reports a man stands at his window watching the center, making parents nervous. Police ID him as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito."

During World War II, selective service wasn't always so selective. My nearsighted friend went before the draft board to explain just how poor his vision was. "If I lose my glasses, I won't be able to see at all," he told them.

"Don't you worry," replied the sergeant in charge. "When we attack, we'll stick you in front of the battalion. You won't miss a thing."

While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. Following regulations, I asked him why he needed it.

I expected his answer to be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he said, "My current edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.'"

He got his new dictionary.

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams "I'm a star!" Like these actual pet names … Cats Cleocatra Bing Clawsby Chairman Meow Alexander the Grey Dogs Mary-Louise Barker Bettie Poops Virginia Woof Iggy Pup

When my friend spotted a blind man and his guide dog at a crosswalk, she stopped her car and waved them on.

"Uh, Cynthia," I said, "he can't see you."

"I know that," she said indignantly. "I'm waving the dog on."

I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. Finally, I'd had it. "Do you want a stranger to take you?!" I scolded.

Thrilled, he yelled back, "Will he take me to the zoo?"

After visiting my son at his base, I complained to my brother-in-law: "Security there is so tight, you practically have to give up your firstborn to get in."

He replied, "You did."

I was shopping when I saw a soldier back from Afghanistan. With tears in my eyes, I thrust out my hand and said, "Thank you for your service to our country."

He smiled and took my hand. "It's people like you," he replied, "that keep me going."

Need a reason for being late to work? Don't try these—they didn't help any of the workers who actually used them.

My deodorant was frozen to the windowsill.

My car door fell off.

I dreamed I was already at work.

I had an early-morning gig as a clown.

My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn't tell his mom which one he intended to marry.

After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"

"The one with short hair."

"Yes! How'd you know?"

"Because that's the one I didn't like."

Our three-year-old daughter was making up a poem when she asked us what rhymed with stop.

My husband said, "Think of something that's cool and refreshing but that Mom and I don't let you drink."

Our daughter knew the answer: "Alcohol!"

It was my friend's first camping trip with her husband, and they were lost. He tried all the usual tactics to determine direction—moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was overcast), and so on. Just as she began to panic, he spotted a cabin in the distance. "This way," he said as he led her back to their camp.

"How did you do that?" my friend asked.

"Simple. In this part of the country, the satellite dishes point south."

Meeting with my new pastor, I asked if I could have a church service when I eventually die. "Of course," he said, grabbing his date book. "What day do you want?"

I was a mess. My career as an artist was going nowhere, my horseback riding was no longer fulfilling, and in general I felt unattractive. My husband did his best to be supportive: "You're a great artist," "You're a wonderful equestrian," "You're the most beautiful woman I know."

One day, after another bad ride, I told him my horse seemed depressed. "How do I cheer up a horse?" I asked.

He shared his secret: "Tell her she's good at stuff and that she looks beautiful."

The road we were on led us to a covered bridge just as another car approached from the opposite direction. At an impasse, the other driver—clearly feeling wronged—shouted, "I never back up for idiots!"

My friend put her car in reverse and replied, "I do."

I was not thrilled with the idea of letting my clueless 13-year-old son babysit his younger sisters, even though he begged me to. "What about a fire?" I asked, referring to my No. 1 concern. "Mom," he said, rolling his eyes, "I'm a Boy Scout. I know how to start a fire."

My two sons, Jake and Austin, are a handful. So I wasn't surprised that Dad looked frazzled after we took them to a football game.

"It will be a cold day in #@%* before we come to another game," he muttered.

"Did you hear that?" Jake shouted to Austin. "Grandpa's going to take us to a game in December!"

At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn mower. "This thing is great," he bragged to my brother. "It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn. It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"

"Everything's starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "

If the people who make motivational posters are so motivated, why are they still working in a poster factory?

Concerned about what will happen to cities if the polar ice caps melt? Don't be. New names have already been chosen.

Atlantis City, New Jersey

Pariscope, France

Sail 'Em, Massachusetts

Floodelphia, Pennsylvania

Helsunki, Finland

Sao Marco ... Paulo, Brazil

While doing a crossword puzzle, I asked for my husband's help.

"The word is eight letters long and starts with m, and the clue is 'tiresome sameness.'"

"Monogamy," he answered.

The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said. "Now take off your arm."

A customer at a coffee shop was clearly peeved by the text message he'd just received. "You ever have that ex-girlfriend who just won't go away?" he asked his friend.

"Yeah," came the reply. "My wife."

The day I knew my in-laws had finally accepted me:

As we pulled into their driveway, my father-in-law was on the phone. "Oh, I have to run," he told the person on the other end. "My daughter-in-law and her husband just arrived."

At the restaurant, a sign read "Karaoke Tonight!" Grandma studied it before asking, "What kind of fish is that?"

While my three-year-old grandson was attending a birthday party, his friend's father sneaked off to take a shower before work. Halfway through, the father heard a tapping on the shower door, followed by the sight of my grandson peering in. Looking around the stall, he asked, "Is my mom in here?"

Always weird to meet your stunt double. It's like looking into a mirror where the other you took care of yourself.

En route to church to make his first confession, my nervous seven-year-old grandson asked me what he could expect.

"Confession is where you tell all the bad things you've done to the priest," I told him. He looked relieved. "Good. I haven't done anything bad to the priest."

I was out in the garden with my stepladder today. Not my real ladder. No, I don't get along with my real ladder.

September is Be Kind to Editors and Writers Month. As these quotes from overheardinthenewsroom.com prove, we need all the sympathy we can get.

First editor: "They just sent in a correction on the obit."
Second editor: "Is she still dead?"

Editor to reporter writing political trend story: "We'd better move it today. It might not be true tomorrow."

City editor assuring a reporter:
"It might get you arrested, but it won't get you fired."

Metro editor, commenting on parade floats made out of newspapers:
"Can't do that with the Internet."

"When I married Donna, I could get both hands around her waist," said my husband's grandfather. Pointing at his full-figured wife, he boasted, "Now look how much I got. That's what I call an investment!"

My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's well-intentioned advice. But when our older sister gave her several clever tips, she was impressed. "I have to hand it to Pat," she told me. "She really is smart. Not Jeopardy! smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."

A fourth marriage meant yet another name change for me. I didn't realize the upheaval it had caused until I asked my father why I hadn't heard from him in a while.

"I forgot your phone number," he said.

"You could've looked it up in the phone book."

"I didn't know what name to look under."

My daughter loved the picture frame her five-year-old son bought her for Mother's Day. She found a photograph of him and replaced the cat photo that came with it. Landon became upset: "Why are you putting a picture of me in there when I bought you a picture of a cat?"

In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a classmate. So for Valentine's Day, he bought her a box of chocolates and took it into school. When I returned home from work, I found him on the couch eating the same box of candy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Well, I thought about it for a long time," he said between chews. "And I decided that, for now, I still like candy more than girls."

Over dinner, I explained the health benefits of a colorful meal to my family. "The more colors, the more variety of nutrients," I told them. Pointing to our food, I asked, "How many different colors do you see?"

"Six," volunteered my daughter. "Seven if you count the burned parts."

When my father ran out of gas, he called my mother to pick him up in her car. They went to a gas station, filled a gas can, and returned to his car. After a few minutes, he got into her car again. "We need to go back to the gas station," he said. "One gallon wasn't enough?" she asked. "It would have been if I'd put it in the right car."

A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. "Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp. "No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. "Now what do you want?" the woman asks. "Could I have a few words with George?"

On his way to perform at a graveside service, the bagpiper gets lost. After many wrong turns, he finally arrives, but the minister and mourners have already gone. Only the grave diggers remain, and they're eating lunch. Not knowing what else to do, the bagpiper begins to play. The workers put down their lunches and weep as the man plays "Amazing Grace." When he finishes, he packs up his bagpipes and heads for his car. As he opens the door, he hears one of the workers say, "I've never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years."

My 13-year-old nephew thought his "gangsta" outfit—low-riding pants and exposed boxers—made him look cool. That is, until the day his five-year-old cousin took notice. "Nathaniel," she yelled out in front of everyone. "Your panties are showing."

Is the chemical symbol for holy water H2Omg?

I knew that my husband's hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."

"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."

For 15 minutes a small crowd watched my surf-fishing husband struggle to haul in something big. The drama ended when his catch turned out to be a waterlogged 4 x 4. As Ed worked the hook out of the chunk of lumber, a man in the crowd called out, "What did you use for bait, your Home Depot card?"

I don't know how to speed-read. Instead, I listen to Books on Tape on fast-forward.

"You wouldn't believe my bad luck," a burglar tells his friend. "I broke into a lawyer's house last night, and he caught me. He let me go but told me never to steal again."

"He let you go? Why's that bad luck?" asks the friend.

"He charged me $500 for the advice."

A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. The plane takes off, and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. The businessman asks for a Coke. After a few minutes, the bird yells, "Where's my scotch? Give me my scotch!" The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks.

Later, they order another round. Again, the bird gives the crew grief for being slow, and the businessman joins in: "Yeah, the service stinks!"

Just then, the flight attendant grabs the pair, opens the hatch, and throws them out of the plane. As they hurtle toward the ground, the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow, that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

During her retirement party from the Cook County State's Attorney's office, coworkers told stories about my less-than-worldly mother.

My favorite came from her supervisor, who recalled one of the first arrest reports Mom had created.

Under "Offense," she'd typed, "Possession of cannibals."

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

If your name is on the building, you're rich; if your name is on your desk, you're middle-class; if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

An elderly shopper at our supermarket used a check to buy such items as cotton balls, cotton swabs, powder, and cold cream. On the memo line, she'd written, "Repairs."

I called a temp agency looking for work, and they asked if I had any phone skills. I said, "I called you, didn't I?"

I received a letter saying I would not be given the American Express credit card I'd requested because my income wasn't substantial enough. Oddly enough, I work for American Express.

At a planning meeting at my college, I congratulated a colleague on producing some superb student-guidance notes explaining how to combat plagiarism.

"How long did it take you to write them?" I asked.

"Not long," he said. "I copied them from another university's website."

Scene: A gas station in Canada

Customer: Excuse me. Why won't my debit card work on the pump?
Owner: Are you using an American card?
Customer: Yes.
Owner: American cards don't work at the pump.
Customer: You should put up a sign.
Owner: We did, above the card slot.
Customer: Oh. Well, I don't read Canadian.

My mother has tried her hand at several careers, some even concurrently. Imagine the surprise of both a hospital patient and my mom when the patient awoke after surgery and, upon seeing who her nurse's aide was, yelled, "What are you doing? You're the woman who helped me pick out interior paint colors!"

It's so quiet in the Hollywood Starbucks this morning, you can hear a name drop.

Do you have a nickname for your beloved? Snookums, maybe? My Little Dollop of Joy? The Brits have lots of them. The London jeweler H. Samuel discovered these pet names signed on gift cards:

• Sexy Pig
• Poo Face
• Sausage
• Chubby Cheeks
• Monkey Boy
• Fatty Bum Bum
• Lobster

"Why doesn't your mother like me?" a woman asks her boyfriend. "Don't take it personally," he assures her. "She's never liked anyone I've dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn't work out at all." "What happened?" "My father couldn't stand her."