Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Direct Sun
My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding discouraged.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these flowers planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Tom One and Two
Although I’d been dating a woman for several months, I guess I didn’t know her as well as I thought. One day I called, and her ten-year-old son answered.
“Hi,” I said. “It’s Tom. Can I speak with your mom?”
He responded, “Are you Tom One or Tom Two?”
Needless to say, his mother is now down to one Tom.
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Daughter-in-Law’s Husband
I’m lucky that my wife and mother are very close. I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to her doctor, which my wife usually does. When the doctor came into the room, my own dear mother introduced me as her “daughter-in-law’s husband.”
I Wanted to Flush
My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed it faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was in school, his fish died, so I flushed it down the toilet. I told him when he got home, and he was inconsolable. Nothing I said helped. After a while, I asked, “Why are you crying so much?”Arching his back, he shouted, “I wanted to flush!”
Two Brothers
Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.
Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.
Aim the Shot
Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.
Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.
The Cold Shoulder
Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have? A: He gave you the cold shoulder.
Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have? A: He gave you the cold shoulder.
Even Report Cards
Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school? A: They were dead even.
Q: How did the two dead brothers do in school? A: They were dead even.
Knew He Was Wrong
Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.
Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.
Broke to the Bone
Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.
Q: Why was the dead man not living well? A: Because he was dead broke.
Cold Feet
Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A: Because he had cold feet.
Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A: Because he had cold feet.
A Cold Heart
Q: Why was the dead man insensitive? A: Because he had a cold heart.
Q: Why was the dead man insensitive? A: Because he had a cold heart.
Dead Divorce
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.
Q: Why did the dead man divorce his dead wife? A: Because she was frigid.
Town Drifter
Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter? A: Because he was a deadbeat.
Q: Why did the town chase out the dead drifter? A: Because he was a deadbeat.
American in the Kitchen
Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European!
Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
A: European!
Too Much Time
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time-consuming.
Dead Lawyer
Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? A: Because he was rotten to the core.
Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? A: Because he was rotten to the core.
Life Magazine
Q: What is a dead man's favorite magazine? A: Life
Q: What is a dead man's favorite magazine? A: Life
He Gets Life
Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial? A: Because they gave him life.
Q: Why was the dead man happy to be sentenced during his trial? A: Because they gave him life.
Too Early for Service
In the foyer of a church, a young boy was looking at a plaque with the names of men and women who had died in various wars. He asked the pastor, "Who are these people?" The pastor said, "Those are members from our church who died in the service." The boy asked, "The early service or the second service?"
Animal in the Car
Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A: A Carpet
Q: What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A: A Carpet
Expensive Wigs
Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'
Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?
A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'
Inky Pig
Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
A: Because it came out of the pen.
Q: Why did the pig have ink all over its face?
A: Because it came out of the pen.
Turn It Off and On Again
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
—William Petersen
Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
—William Petersen
Lost in Translation
I was on a business call when I realized I was late for a class at the gym. I must have sounded rushed, because the woman on the phone said, “Am I keeping you from something?”
I replied, “I have to leave for tai chi.”
“Oh,” she said, sounding intrigued. “What country is that in?”
—Linda Platt
Heart-Stopping
My paramedic team was called to an emergency. Before we took the patient to the hospital, I had a question for his wife. “Does your husband have any cardiac problems?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said with a note of concern. “His cardiologist just died.”
—Aaron Webster
On the Bright Side
A musician friend is always upbeat. But when she developed ringing in one ear, I was concerned it might overwhelm even her. When I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician, she shook her head.
“Not really,” she said cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
—Kathleen Cahill, in Reader’s Digest Asia
Lawless
A young lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself. “I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”
The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”
Send a Sign
The graveside service had just ended when there was a frightening clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even louder thunder. The little old man looked at the pastor and said calmly, “Well, she’s there.”
—Submitted by G.C. via mail
For Profit
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.
—Steven Wright, comedian
His Cup Runneth Over
A broke guy walks past a pub. He looks at the door longingly, but since he has no money, he walks on. Just then, he spots a lamp lying in the gutter. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie emerges.
“I will grant you three wishes,” intones the genie.
“Give me a bottomless mug of beer,” the guy says.
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He takes a sip, then another. With each chug, the mug magically refills.
“And for your other two wishes?”
Between swallows, the lucky guy shouts, “Give me two more just like this one!”
—friarsclub.com
Lunar FOMO
Q. What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes? A. “I guess you had to be there.”
Q. What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes? A. “I guess you had to be there.”
Out of Cash
Q. How do you know when the moon is broke? A. When it’s down to its last quarter.
Q. How do you know when the moon is broke? A. When it’s down to its last quarter.
Seeing Is Believing
Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon? A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.
Q. Which is closer, Florida or the moon? A. The moon. You can’t see Florida from here.
Rock On
Food For Thought
My neighbor texted me, "I just made synonym buns!"
I texted back, "You mean like grammar use to make?" I haven't heard from her since.
My neighbor texted me, "I just made synonym buns!"
I texted back, "You mean like grammar use to make?" I haven't heard from her since.
Nursing Math
A friend took her son to the doctor's office after he sprained his finger. The nurse applied a splint, only to be told she'd put it on the wrong finger.
"I'm sorry," she said. "That's OK," my friend's son said. "You were only off by one digit."
CPAP Couple
Working 9 to 5?
Because my wife and I are flea market dealers, we usually carry stacks of $1 bills. Not long ago, we had lunch at a restaurant and paid the check with singles. As our waitress collected the ones, she sized up my 70-year-old wife and said, "You had a good night dancing last night, huh?"
Piece of the Pie
I stopped off at the supermarket to buy my son-in-law his favorite pie, sour cream raisin. The box had the $15 price stamped on the top, which I thought would be tacky on a gift, so I asked the man behind the counter for a marker to black out the price. Didn't work—you could still see the price through the ink.
"I know what to do," the man said. "I'll cover it up."And with that, he slapped a sticker over the price that read "$2.98 Day Old."
On Shore
Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
A: They just wash up on shore.
Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?
A: They just wash up on shore.
Pirate Payment
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? A: An arm and a leg.
Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? A: An arm and a leg.
Health Dangers
A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, "Do you smoke?"
"Yeah, a pack and a half a day," said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, "You should consider quitting." "No, it's OK," said the patient. "I smoke with my left hand."
Smelly Ship
Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship? A: The poop deck.
Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship? A: The poop deck.
Becoming a CEO
The CEO of a large corporation was giving advice to a junior executive. “I was young, married, and out of work,” he lectured. “I took the last nickel I had and bought an apple. I polished it and sold it for a dime. The next day I bought two apples, polished them, and sold them for ten cents each.”
“I see,” said the junior executive. “You kept reinvesting your money and grew a big business.” “No,” said the CEO. “Then my wife’s father died and left me a fortune.”
In the Mirror
Two regulars are sitting at a bar when one of them casually points to a couple of drunks across from them. “That’s us in ten years,” he says. His friend takes a sip from his beer, sets it down on the bar, turns to his friend, and slurs, “That’s a mirror.”
Put a Ring On it?
Wrong Sauce
After I paid for my items in an adorable Italian shop, the salesperson smiled and said “Grazie,” Italian for “thank you.” My Italian isn’t very good, but I knew that the Italian word for “you’re welcome” was the same as the name of a spaghetti sauce. So I confidently replied “Ragú!” and walked out of the store. A few blocks later, it hit me: I had the wrong spaghetti sauce. “You’re welcome” is prego.
Who is It?
During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family. One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”
A Motivated Boss
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. "Wow," I said. "That's an amazing car." He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year."
South to Vermont
On a fishing trip to a remote lake in Northern Quebec, I asked the outfitter, “Do you stay here during the winter?” “No,” he said. “The snow gets too deep. We can’t get supplies in. Like many Canadians, I go south for the winter.” “Oh,” I said. “Where do you go?” “Vermont.”
Older and Not Bothered
When the new activities director for the rec center walked in, all us retirees quickly took notice. She was 20-something, statuesque, and gorgeous. My buddy whispered, “She makes me wish I was 30 years older.” “Don’t you mean 30 years younger?” I asked. “No. If I were 30 years younger, I’d still never have a chance with a woman like that. If I were 30 years older, it wouldn’t bother me so much.”
Adjectives Galore
Impressed by his sophisticated word choice, my friend asked, "How do you know her hair color is auburn?" Her student replied, "Because that's what it says on the box."
Level Pause
After my kids bragged about what levels they’d attained in a video game, I decided to give it a try. Soon, it was my turn to boast that, in spite of being a newbie, I’d already managed to get to level 11. That’s when my youngest son pointed out that the “11” I was seeing on the screen was actually the game’s pause button.
Disappointing Movie
My mother and I suffered through an overlong, confusing movie at an art theater. Apparently we were not the only dissatisfied patrons. Walking back to our car afterward, we overheard a man complain to his wife, “We left the dog home alone for that?”