Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Wise Guy
A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from the cleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?"
"I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you really think I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"
Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this long by answering questions like that?"
Tell Tail
My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took it to the vet to be neutered.
"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.
"How can I be 100 percent?" Allison asked.
"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."
"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
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Little Driver
My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company.
After a pause, the adjuster asked, "Do you let him drive often?"
Get Busy Signal
Shortly after joining the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. After handing over various tasks, he asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"
A longtime ham operator, I shouted, "I do!"
"Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."
Smart Cookie
Our day-care center spent time helping the kids memorize their home addresses. My daughter, who was in my class, had her street name down, but couldn't remember the house number.
"If our house is on fire and you call 911," I asked, "how will the firefighters know where to go?"
She had a plan: "I'll tell them to go to South 14th Street and look for the house that's on fire."
Role Reversal
Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate years. He moved out only when he went to grad school and got an apartment. The first time my husband and I went to see his new place, Matt greeted us, saying, "I'm glad to finally be the host."
As we walked in the door, my husband whispered to me, "Instead of the parasite."
Look Out!
With several years of Army National Guard duty under his belt, my roommate applied for officer training. But his lifelong dreams were dashed after he failed the eye exam.
"That's too bad," I sympathized. "Does that mean you now have to quit the Guard entirely?"
"No, I get to keep my old job," he said. "Driving trucks."
Handle With Care
Time Guzzler
As I pulled out to pass it, I noticed a sign in the window: "I know, I know, but I'm getting 60 mpg."
What Did You Say?
During flight school, our instructor noticed that a young pilot wasn't wearing her earplugs correctly. "If you don't fix your earplugs, you'll turn into a deaf old man like me," he warned over the roar of helicopter engines.
She shot back, "If I turn into a deaf old man, I've got bigger problems than hearing loss."
Layer It On
My colleagues and i recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: "Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly."
Dolphin Bride
I told my wife, Annie, about a story I heard on the radio. An eccentric millionaire married a dolphin at a resort where she swam with the critter.
"Isn't that nuts?" I marveled.
"But just think of the fortune she'll make when she writes her memoirs," my wife said. "She could call it The Porpoise Driven Wife."
Loose Change
Hammering Nails
During a home renovation, my grandfather was watching me drive in nails. "You hammer like lightning," he said.
"Really?" I replied, flattered.
"You never strike the same place twice."
Honey, I'm Home!
Traveling is a major part of my wife's job as a saleswoman, and it's not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week. I hadn't thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It's so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."
Barracks Brigade
Spiritual Sign-Off
Inspirational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer still remembers the card his kids gave him for his 64th birthday. The front said, "Inside is a message from God."
Pleased they finally appreciated his work, he opened it to read, "See you soon!"
Vital Signs
No Free Lunch
Expenses were out of control at our data supply company, and our bosses weren't happy.
"When you travel," the vice president said in a meeting with his sales force, "lunch can't be expensed. Lunch is a normal employee cost. And while we're on the topic, your dinner expenses have been way too high."
A rep shouted, "That's because we don't eat lunch."
Wouldn't You Know!
My husband uses scraps of wood, called "shorts," for carving. In a lumber store, he saw some lovely pieces in a bin behind the counter. But he had a lot of explaining to do after he asked the clerk, "Do you mind if I come around and poke through your shorts?"
Just Visiting
Saint Someone
In the midst of a creative writing assignment we were doing in class, I asked my first-grade students to come up with a good name for the main character.
"Chicago," called out one student.
"Actually, I was looking for more of a Christian name," I said.
"St. Louis!" he yelled back.
What’s Cookin’?
The Perfect Game
I was glued to the TV. It looked like the pitcher would throw a no-hitter. My wife, who thinks baseball is boring, wondered why the crowd was so excited.
"It's a perfect game," I told her. "Do you know what that is?"
"Yeah," she said, "one that's over."
Armed to the Tee
I arrived home to find the place ransacked. Fortunately, my niece and her husband, PJ, were with me.
Grabbing a golf club, PJ searched the house to make sure the robber was gone. Then he looked at the club -- a three iron.
"I should have taken the wedge," he said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Lately I've been having trouble hitting anything with my three."
Twelve-Step Jargon
Twelve-step jargon has seeped into the language. I was trying to get my son to do his homework. "What's the assignment?" I asked.
"Write a paper on a national leader," he answered.
I pressed, "And what's the first step?"
"Admitting I have a problem?"
Jury Duty
"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?" my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.
A nervous young man stood up. "I'd like to be dismissed," he said.
"And why is that?"
"My wife is about to conceive."
Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, "I believe, sir, you mean 'deliver.' But either way, I agree. You should be there."
Sign of the Times
Snail mail, I decided, is definitely dead. Before I left on a trip to Alaska, I promised my five-year-old grandson, "I'll write you a letter when I get there."
"Okay," he said. "I'd like an A."
D as in Dumb
Some people bend over backward not to insult others. A while ago, I overheard my sister, a travel agent, confirm her client's flight this way: "Your confirmation code is F as in Foxtrot, R as in Romeo, and I as in Native American."
O Is for Ouch
My laptop was driving me crazy. "The A, E, and I keys always stick," I complained to a friend.
She quickly diagnosed the problem. "Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."
Nights and Weekends
I took what felt like an opportune moment to ask the guy I was dating if he was serious about our relationship.
Looking hurt, he said, "Do you know how special you are?" He held up his cell phone. "I use my daytime minutes on you."
Mission Accomplished
Our new commander was the gung-ho type, determined to shake things up on the base. No detail was too small, not even the IN and OUT trays on his desk.
"Get rid of them," he told me. "I don't want them on my desk."
As the supply sergeant, I knew that the company clerks relied on those trays to process work. So I offered him an alternative, which he liked. After that, one tray read CHALLENGES and the other CONQUESTS.
Beauty of the Beholder
She smiled understandingly. "That's because you're fat. But it doesn't mean you aren't pretty."
Renters' Excuses
"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."
"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."
"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"
"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."
"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
Consulting the Experts
I asked. "The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so," said the specialist. "How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me."
"We'll send someone right over."
Going to the Dogs
How to Ruin an Interview
Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:
Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.
Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.
Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."
Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.
Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.
Applicant's friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"
Lunch Break
"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.
Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.
Hoping for the Best
Years of Romance
As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.
When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"
A Dime a Dozen
"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."
Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."
Helping Her Out
"Private, what's going on in here?" he asked.
To the officer's horror, the private replied, "Sir, the sergeant's water broke, and I'm helping her clean up."
The Trouble With Dating
Sign of the Times
His wife could eat no carbs."
It's About Time
With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long!"
American Food
Dad Approved
"A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders."
Trash Service
A Charity Case
What That Tattoo Really Says
Good Health
Cool Doctor
Mom's Movie Reviews
Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I'm in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I'll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."
The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn't understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I've ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.
Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio's hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it's there. Maybe he had a pimple.
How to Fail Driver’s Ed
The Town Crier
Bookstore Guidance Needed
"Can you tell me who the author of Shakespeare is?"
"I’m looking for a book, but I only know the title, not the author. It’s called Dante’s Inferno."
"I definitely don’t want nonfiction. I like autobiographies and history."
"Do you have Shakespeare in English?"
Beyond Our Power
"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.
Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"
Not a Promising Sign
Problems With Babel Fish
Judging a Restaurant by its Name
Sensitive Employee
Funny Misprints
Long Tour of Duty
That set off the malcontent: "Just how long have you been serving jury duty?"
Sailing vs. Shopping
Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.
As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"
Good Gifts
Life Experience
A Lovely Place
Family Crest
A young girl is reading a book about knights.
Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?
Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.
A young girl is reading a book about knights.
Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?
Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.
Alien Concept
"Martian forms come down an assembly line, and robots add the head, arms, and legs," the head Martian begins. "At the end of the line, they receive a power surge that activates them, and they walk away to their first assignment. Now, how do you humans do it?" The doctor whispers in the Martian’s ear. His eyes grow huge in disbelief.
"That’s incredible," he says.
"Why?" asks the doctor.
"Because that’s how we build cars."
Menu Item
"We don’t have it today," said the waitress.
"Oh, you have it only on certain days?" I asked.
"No, we never have it."
I was confused. "Then why is it on the menu?"
"Oh," she said with a shrug, "some people like it."
War Veteran
No Smoking
The conversation came to a halt when he replied, "In Vietnam, right after that first bomb dropped."