My wife left the car unattended for only a minute, but it was long enough for our two-year-old to climb in, throw the car into reverse and crash into a lamppost. He was fine, but the car wasn't, and I had a hard time explaining who was behind the wheel to the insurance company.

After a pause, the adjuster asked, "Do you let him drive often?"

 

Shortly after joining the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments. After handing over various tasks, he asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"

A longtime ham operator, I shouted, "I do!"

"Good," he said. "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

Our day-care center spent time helping the kids memorize their home addresses. My daughter, who was in my class, had her street name down, but couldn't remember the house number.

"If our house is on fire and you call 911," I asked, "how will the firefighters know where to go?"

She had a plan: "I'll tell them to go to South 14th Street and look for the house that's on fire."

Our son lived at home all four of his undergraduate years. He moved out only when he went to grad school and got an apartment. The first time my husband and I went to see his new place, Matt greeted us, saying, "I'm glad to finally be the host."

As we walked in the door, my husband whispered to me, "Instead of the parasite."

With several years of Army National Guard duty under his belt, my roommate applied for officer training. But his lifelong dreams were dashed after he failed the eye exam.

"That's too bad," I sympathized. "Does that mean you now have to quit the Guard entirely?"

"No, I get to keep my old job," he said. "Driving trucks."

You didn't have to be a brain surgeon to figure out that a customer at our post office was an off-duty mail clerk from another plant. He'd written on his package, "Fragile: Toss Underhand."

Just ahead was one of those hybrid cars struggling up the steep hill.

As I pulled out to pass it, I noticed a sign in the window: "I know, I know, but I'm getting 60 mpg."

During flight school, our instructor noticed that a young pilot wasn't wearing her earplugs correctly. "If you don't fix your earplugs, you'll turn into a deaf old man like me," he warned over the roar of helicopter engines.

She shot back, "If I turn into a deaf old man, I've got bigger problems than hearing loss."

My colleagues and i recently received this e-mail from the facilities department: "Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Dress accordingly."

I told my wife, Annie, about a story I heard on the radio. An eccentric millionaire married a dolphin at a resort where she swam with the critter.

"Isn't that nuts?" I marveled.

"But just think of the fortune she'll make when she writes her memoirs," my wife said. "She could call it The Porpoise Driven Wife."

There were tons of vending machines on base, and as the supply sergeant, I was responsible for all of them. So I pulled in a private and had him count the money. An hour later, he was finished. "Good," I said. "What's the count?" He replied, "I have 210 quarters, 180 dimes and 35 nickels."

During a home renovation, my grandfather was watching me drive in nails. "You hammer like lightning," he said.

"Really?" I replied, flattered.

"You never strike the same place twice."

 

Traveling is a major part of my wife's job as a saleswoman, and it's not unheard-of for her to visit four or five cities in one week. I hadn't thought too much of it until she returned wiped out from her last long business trip. As her head hit the pillow, she sighed, "It's so nice to be sleeping in my own bed, with my own husband."

Few people know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, "Now do you know what I do?" "Yes," she said. "You're a cheerleader."

Inspirational speaker Dr. Wayne Dyer still remembers the card his kids gave him for his 64th birthday. The front said, "Inside is a message from God."

Pleased they finally appreciated his work, he opened it to read, "See you soon!"

She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."

Expenses were out of control at our data supply company, and our bosses weren't happy.

"When you travel," the vice president said in a meeting with his sales force, "lunch can't be expensed. Lunch is a normal employee cost. And while we're on the topic, your dinner expenses have been way too high."

A rep shouted, "That's because we don't eat lunch."

My husband uses scraps of wood, called "shorts," for carving. In a lumber store, he saw some lovely pieces in a bin behind the counter. But he had a lot of explaining to do after he asked the clerk, "Do you mind if I come around and poke through your shorts?"

My mom moved into a new condo, and I went to visit for a couple of days. Searching for a coffee cup one morning, I sighed, "It seems like I'm always looking for something in your kitchen." "That's good," Mom said. When I looked confused, she explained, "Because when you know where to look, it's time to go home."

In the midst of a creative writing assignment we were doing in class, I asked my first-grade students to come up with a good name for the main character.

"Chicago," called out one student.

"Actually, I was looking for more of a Christian name," I said.

"St. Louis!" he yelled back.

When I put on my new chef uniform -- a pair of very baggy, loud-striped pants -- I was mildly horrified. But my wife was philosophical. "It's okay, honey," she said in her soothing way. "You're just a victim of circus pants."

I was glued to the TV. It looked like the pitcher would throw a no-hitter. My wife, who thinks baseball is boring, wondered why the crowd was so excited.

"It's a perfect game," I told her. "Do you know what that is?"

"Yeah," she said, "one that's over."

I arrived home to find the place ransacked. Fortunately, my niece and her husband, PJ, were with me.

Grabbing a golf club, PJ searched the house to make sure the robber was gone. Then he looked at the club -- a three iron.

"I should have taken the wedge," he said.

"Why?" I asked.

"Lately I've been having trouble hitting anything with my three."

Twelve-step jargon has seeped into the language. I was trying to get my son to do his homework. "What's the assignment?" I asked.

"Write a paper on a national leader," he answered.

I pressed, "And what's the first step?"

"Admitting I have a problem?"

 

"Does anyone in this room need to be dismissed from jury duty?" my father, a judge, asked a roomful of prospective jurors.

A nervous young man stood up. "I'd like to be dismissed," he said.

"And why is that?"

"My wife is about to conceive."

Slightly taken aback, Dad responded, "I believe, sir, you mean 'deliver.' But either way, I agree. You should be there."

Snail mail, I decided, is definitely dead. Before I left on a trip to Alaska, I promised my five-year-old grandson, "I'll write you a letter when I get there."

"Okay," he said. "I'd like an A."

Some people bend over backward not to insult others. A while ago, I overheard my sister, a travel agent, confirm her client's flight this way: "Your confirmation code is F as in Foxtrot, R as in Romeo, and I as in Native American."

My laptop was driving me crazy. "The A, E, and I keys always stick," I complained to a friend.

She quickly diagnosed the problem. "Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome."

I took what felt like an opportune moment to ask the guy I was dating if he was serious about our relationship.

Looking hurt, he said, "Do you know how special you are?" He held up his cell phone. "I use my daytime minutes on you."

Our new commander was the gung-ho type, determined to shake things up on the base. No detail was too small, not even the IN and OUT trays on his desk.

"Get rid of them," he told me. "I don't want them on my desk."

As the supply sergeant, I knew that the company clerks relied on those trays to process work. So I offered him an alternative, which he liked. After that, one tray read CHALLENGES and the other CONQUESTS.

An elderly patient paid me a wonderful compliment. "You're beautiful," she said. I must have looked skeptical because she was quick to assure me that she was sincere. "It's just that I rarely hear flattering comments about my looks," I explained.

She smiled understandingly. "That's because you're fat. But it doesn't mean you aren't pretty."

No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.

"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."

"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."

"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"

"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."

"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"

The computer in my high school classroom was acting up. After watching me struggle with it, a student explained that my hard drive had crashed. So I called IT. "Can someone look at my computer?"

I asked. "The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so," said the specialist. "How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me."

"We'll send someone right over."

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

When you're interviewing for a job, you want to make an impression.

Hiring managers report that these people made one—just not the right kind:

Applicant hugged hiring manager at the end of the interview.

Applicant ate all the candy from the candy bowl while trying to answer questions.

Applicant blew her nose and lined up the used tissues on the table in front of her. Applicant wore a hat that said "Take this job and shove it."

Applicant talked about how an affair cost him a previous job.

Applicant threw his beer can in the outside trash can before coming into the reception area.

Applicant's friend came in and asked, "How much longer?"

When a squirrel slipped into my house, I did the logical thing: I panicked and called my father.

"How do you get a squirrel out of a basement?" I shrieked.

Dad advised me to leave a trail of peanut butter and crackers from the basement to the outside. It worked—the squirrel ate his way out of the house. Unfortunately, he passed another squirrel eating his way in.

My second graders were assigned the task of writing thank-you cards to soldiers serving in the Middle East. One of them wrote, "Thank you for protecting us! I hope we win!"

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office. A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them. On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I'd hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.

When he saw me, he shouted, "Are those potato chips?"

While visiting a retirement community, my wife and I decided to do some shopping and soon became separated.

"Excuse me," I said, approaching a clerk. "I'm looking for my wife. She has white hair and is wearing white shoes."

Gesturing around the store, the clerk responded, "Take your pick."

When my very pregnant niece, a sergeant in the New York Army National Guard, accidentally knocked over a glass of water, one of her soldiers volunteered to help clean it up. As he was mopping up the mess, an officer walked in.

"Private, what's going on in here?" he asked.

To the officer's horror, the private replied, "Sir, the sergeant's water broke, and I'm helping her clean up."

Dating is complicated. You don't believe us? Here are some examples: Right after we broke up, my ex-girlfriend called to ask how to change her relationship status on Facebook. I got into a 90-minute argument with my girlfriend because she was adamant that Moby Dick was a true story. I finally let her win so I could go to sleep. My now ex-girlfriend and I were in my room one day, and the Internet was particularly slow. After I complained, she suggested that I untangle my Ethernet cord so that more Internet could get through. I recently joined an online dating site, and one of my matches was my first cousin.

At a baby shower, everyone was asked to complete nursery rhymes. My 11-year-old daughter Taylor contributed this: "Jack Sprat could eat no fat.

His wife could eat no carbs."

A few weeks? after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. "You know, Kyle," I said, "when we die, we'll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven."

With tears spilling down his face, Kyle cried, "That's easy for you to say. You don't have that long!"

Upon returning from a stint in Iraq, my sister insisted that the best part about being home was having real food again: "The Lunchables I had for breakfast was great!"

I'd been secretly dating for several months, and it was time to break the news to my very protective father. My mother thought he'd take it better if she explained to him that my boyfriend was a Marine who had just returned from Iraq. This pleased Dad immensely.

"A Marine? Good!" he said. "That means he can take orders."

Instead of saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?" The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?" "Um, no," mumbled the director. "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?" "I … I … I had no idea." "So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"

If truth-in-advertising laws governed your tattoos, here's what the ink would actually say: Still in my rebellious rite-of-passage phase. I anticipate always feeling as whimsical as I was when I chose this. Thinking-ahead deficient. Personal names on my body are not necessarily indicative of my relationship with that person when you read this. I regretted this one almost immediately. It may be wrong to assume that I know what this symbol represents. Actively taking a role in reducing the number of potential places that might employ me.

I know it's supposed to be pejorative, but I like the sound of Obamacare. I imagine him making me soup and reading me stories.

I just met the coolest gynecologist. He's an O.B.G.B.Y.O.B.

Renting a film? Check My Mom's Movie Review, where comic Lauren Palmigiano's mother gives her opinions.

Burlesque
Oh. My. God. Loved it. I will watch this 100 times. If I'm in jail and they ask what I want for my last meal—I'll say, "The Burlesque DVD and lobster."

The Town
I thought it was the Betty White movie, so I was very surprised when I saw it was the Ben Affleck movie. Actually, I didn't understand a lot of what they were saying because they had the thickest Boston accents I've ever heard. It sounded like a foreign language, but I know it was English.

Shutter Island
I thought it was going to be really scary. But I only screamed one time. A one-screamer. Leonardo DiCaprio's hair in the movie looks terrible. They gave him a bowl cut. He has a tiny Band-Aid on his forehead. They never explain why it's there. Maybe he had a pimple.

As I quizzed my driver’s-education students about road signs, the one for Slow Moving Vehicle stumped them. So I offered them a hint by lifting the sign above my head and slowly parading up and down the room. One student thought he had it: "Wide load!" he called out.

Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the town's morals, stuck her nose into everyone's business. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. "George, everyone who sees it there will know what you're doing," she told him in front of their church group. George ignored her and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house and left it there all night.

In some quarters, bookstores may be considered dinosaurs, but odd customers are evergreen, as these requests to bookstore clerks prove.

"Can you tell me who the author of Shakespeare is?"

"I’m looking for a book, but I only know the title, not the author. It’s called Dante’s Inferno."

"I definitely don’t want nonfiction. I like autobiographies and history."

"Do you have Shakespeare in English?"

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn’t come on.

"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"

An elevator in our office building is frequently out of order. The last time, maintenance posted a sign that summed up the situation: Elevator Closed for Temporary Repairs.

A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist into an online translation program, someone typed cystitis.

Last October, Baltimore handed out its first citation to a restaurant for repeated violations of the city’s trans-fat ban. The name of the eatery: Healthy Choice.

To show his appreciation, a newly hired Japanese office worker bought his boss chocolates. But when he found the box unopened, the insulted worker went ballistic, destroying 22 computers. "I wish the company president had cared a little more," the employee’s lawyer said.

Mark Twain warned: "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." The same can be said for these English-challenged notes doctors wrote on patient charts: "The patient is married but sexually active." "When standing with eyes closed, he missed his right finger to his nose and has to search for it on the left side." "She does indeed have a fear of frying and mental problems that she attributes to deep-fat fryers." "The patient is a 53-year-old police officer who was found unconscious by his bicycle." "Her father died from a heart attack at age 12."

I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same.

That set off the malcontent: "Just how long have you been serving jury duty?"

After we had lunch with another couple, the women went shopping, and the men opted to go sailing. Bad decision—a storm blew in while we men were out on the water.

Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water.

As my friend stood there—ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face—he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

While the choice of words might be off, a pharmacy near Dover Air Force Base in Delaware is doing its part to help soldiers serving abroad. A sign in the store reads: Place suggestive items in donation box to be sent to our soldiers overseas.

Experience is a great teacher, especially if it’s someone else who’s learning from his mistakes. These examples were sent to learnfrommyfail.failblog.org: "When holding a DVD in one hand and food in the other, remember which hand has what when you take a bite." "When running errands where one stop involves going to a bank and one involves dropping off a firearm, drop off the firearm first." "If you’re prone to impulse purchases, stick to shoes, not tattoos." "When attending a funeral, never clap after the eulogy, regardless of how meaningful and heartfelt it was."

After I was widowed, I moved to Wales. My neighbor asked me where my husband was. "He’s gone to a better place," I said. She looked amazed. "Better than Wales?"

Scene: Playground

A young girl is reading a book about knights.

Girl: What does our family crest look like, Mommy?

Mom: Poor people being crushed by a boot.

Martians land on Earth, and the first thing they do is seek out a doctor to discuss reproduction.

"Martian forms come down an assembly line, and robots add the head, arms, and legs," the head Martian begins. "At the end of the line, they receive a power surge that activates them, and they walk away to their first assignment. Now, how do you humans do it?" The doctor whispers in the Martian’s ear. His eyes grow huge in disbelief.

"That’s incredible," he says.

"Why?" asks the doctor.

"Because that’s how we build cars."

I’d just sat down at a Manhattan diner when I noticed schav on the menu. Since I hadn’t had a bowl of the cold, sour soup in quite a while, I ordered some.

"We don’t have it today," said the waitress.

"Oh, you have it only on certain days?" I asked.

"No, we never have it."

I was confused. "Then why is it on the menu?"

"Oh," she said with a shrug, "some people like it."

When I took my school-age daughters to a lunch with veterans, I told them to ask questions. One of the men said he’d fought in the Korean War, and the girls were so impressed that the eldest wanted to know more: "Did you fight for the North or the South?"

I was in our local VA hospital when a clerk began scolding a veteran who’d lit up a cigarette in a no-smoking area. "Sir!" she barked. "When did you start smoking?"

The conversation came to a halt when he replied, "In Vietnam, right after that first bomb dropped."