"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."—George Carlin

"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe."—Carl Sagan

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."—Jon Stewart

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."—Jay Leno

Here's what your e-mail address says about your computer skills: Own domain (e.g., @joesmith.com): You're skilled and capable. @gmail.com:When the Internet stops working, you actually try rebooting the router before calling a family member for help. @hotmail.com:You still think that Myspace is hip. @yahoo.com:You send e-mail chain letters saying that Bill Gates will eat your hard drive unless you forward this message to everyone you know. @aol.com: You phone friends to tell them about a neat website, then say into the receiver, "OK, go to … h … t … t … p … colon … slash … w … w … w … dot …"  

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

Q: Why does a man twist his wedding ring on his finger? A: He's trying to figure out the combination.

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean, "In return for your unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward you with your choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty." "Give me infinite wisdom!" declares the dean, without hesitation. "Done!" says the angel before disappearing in a cloud of smoke. All heads now turn to the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. "Well," says a colleague, "say something brilliant." The dean stands and, with the poise of Socrates, opines, "I should have taken the money."

"I was playing chess with my friend, and he said, 'Let's make this more interesting.'  So we stopped playing chess." —Matt Kirshen

Take heed, scientists: Not every scientific advancement is Nobel Prize worthy. Some must lay claim to an Ig Nobel Prize, awarded by the Annals of Improbable Research magazine: The Prize for Physiology went to the report "No Evidence of Contagious Yawning in the Red-Footed Tortoise." The Prize for Medicine went to a study that demonstrates that people make better decisions about some kinds of things — but worse decisions about other kinds of things — when they have a strong urge to urinate. The Prize for Biology went to the discovery that a particular kind of beetle mates with a particular kind of Australian beer bottle.

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, "What trait do you think I passed on to my children?" One student called out, "Wrinkles!"

Needing to escape her hectic office, my friend fled to the mall, bought a candy bar, and then relaxed on a bench next to a businessman. Soon, she heard the sound of a crumpling wrapper and realized that he was eating her candy bar. When he went to work on an ice cream cone, she leaned over and took a huge lick. "There!" she declared. She then stormed off to her car, reached into her purse for her keys, and pulled out the candy bar she thought he'd eaten.

We asked prospective job applicants at our business to fill out a questionnaire. For the line "Choose one word to summarize your strongest professional attribute," one woman wrote, "I'm very good at following instructions."

Spotted on a church marquee: "Love your enemies; After all, You made them."

Scene: Starbucks. Customer:  Hey, you lost a lot of weight. Barista: No, I gave birth two weeks ago. Customer: To a baby?

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again." Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."

Overheard at my garden-club meeting: "I never knew what compost was until I met my husband."

As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system: "If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."

As I helped my elderly neighbor clean out his garage, I stumbled upon an ax in the corner. "That was my grandfather's," he said, picking it up and running his fingers along the blade. "Of course, it's been through three new heads since he last used it."

I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? "Whereisthespacebar?"

In an attempt to balance work and motherhood, I delegated the grocery shopping to my young babysitter. But the job proved a tad daunting. One day while I was at work, she texted me from the supermarket. "Can't find Brillo pads," she wrote. "All they have are Tampax and Kotex."

My friend was working at an amusement park when a couple stopped him. "Excuse me," said the woman, pointing to a pond. "What is that water made out of?" Bemused, my friend replied, "Two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen." "See?" she said to her boyfriend. "I told you it wasn't real."

I identify with football players because I know what it's like to spend your whole life training for a large, jewel-encrusted ring.

These holiday "headlines" — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year Book Given as Gift Actually Read

A graphic designer on the phone with his client. Designer:  Hi. I'm just updating the copy for your form and was wondering if you meant to say "programs" for the third question. Client: No! What I sent along was completely accurate. Just copy it over exactly as it says. I'll explain it nice and slowly for you. Designer: "Please indicate which pogroms you've attended"? Client: Yeah, that should be programs.

The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client's file that read "Insured has POO on damaged items."

My helicopter crew landed on a frigate in order to evacuate a sick sailor who, we later learned, was suffering from a skin infection called cellulitis. When we arrived, we asked a crewman what was wrong. Pointing to the stricken sailor, he said, "She has cellulite."

Sam's eighth birthday, my brother took him to a football game. During halftime, a Marine band played, and Sam studied them intently. "Why the interest in the band?" his father asked. "I'm checking to see if Ben and Matt from our synagogue are in it. They're Marines." "But they're in Afghanistan." "If I were in a marching band, I'd say I was in Afghanistan too."

Visiting a new port is always exciting, and when our destroyer docked in Kiel, Germany, it was no different. In fact, one of my men was awestruck. "Look, Chief," he whispered excitedly. "They have Volkswagens over here too!"

During my time in the Navy, everyone was getting KP or guard duty except me. Not wanting to get in trouble, I asked the ensign why. "What's your name?" he asked. "Michael Zyvoloski." "That's why. I can't pronounce it, much less spell it."

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

I want to have a kid the way other people want to own stock in Google: I don't want to be responsible for it; I just want to go to parties and talk about how well it's doing.

Sometimes men don't date women for their IQs. Here are some examples: Today, my girlfriend asked me if my grandmother had any kids. My girlfriend and I went out to dinner. We were going to get there 30 minutes early, so I told her to call to see if they could bump us up. The reservation was under my name. After being with me for a year, she didn't know how to say my last name. It took my girlfriend almost a full season of The Office to realize it wasn't a reality show.

When I went back to the medical lab to have some blood drawn, I was greeted with a battery of questions from the technician. "Has your address changed?" she asked. "No," I answered. "Your phone number?" "No." "What about your birthday?"

Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls. "Your wife must like rolls," he said. "How do you know these are for my wife?" I asked. "Because your mother wouldn't send you out in weather like this."

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge. "No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

My friend reviewed her young son's fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: "At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____." His response: "Receipts."

As I was treating my daughter and her family to the buffet at a casino, all the bells and whistles for a winning slot machine began to go off. My seven-year-old grandson was awed. "Wow!" yelled Casey. "This is like Chuck E. Cheese for old people."

When my 15-year-old son, Pat, stepped up to the plate during a Colt League baseball game, the young announcer declared, "Now batting, the right fielder, number 12, Pathogen!" After some confusion in the stands, the announcer came back on over the loudspeaker. "Oh, I get it — Pat Hogan!"

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes. -- Russell Brand

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

You’d die of embarrassment if these phrases appeared in your obituary: “She leaves behind a brother and 117 cats.” “Passed away in a failed stunt that has already been viewed more than 40 million times on YouTube.” “Was always quick to point out others’ grammatical errors.” “Survived by his parents and his animatronic wife, Elizabot.”

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. His wife suggests he take out an ad in the newspaper, which he does. But two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?” “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.” The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face …

My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.” Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”

After an enthusiastic recommendation from my wife, I began listening to the audiobook version of Frank McCourt’s  Teacher Man. “I love it, but his writing style is so disjointed,” I complained. “He refers to characters I don’t know and introduces them a half hour later.” My wife was as confused as I was, but I soldiered on, disoriented by the jumpy story line. It wasn’t until the end of the book that my dilemma was explained—I had set the iPod to Shuffle.

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

I bought a pint of  Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce that?” Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, “Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”

When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you expect me to do for you; I'm a psychologist." "A psychologist?" I replied. "Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help us?" "Well," he finally responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?"    

I didn't enlist in the Army -- I was drafted. So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

 

There are people who have green thumbs. And then there's me, Ms. Black Thumb. I didn't think anyone else noticed until the day my sister visited. "I found this in the yard," she said, handing me a potted plant as she came in the door. "I think the wind blew it off your deck." "It wasn't the wind," my husband joked. "It jumped."

My friend sat down with a new client at her gym to review her application. For the question "To what do you attribute your fitness issues?" the woman wrote "Horrendous eating habits." "What makes you say that?" my friend asked. The woman replied, "I can't spell atrocious."  

Shortly after the FAA announced the ban on fluids, my husband was stopped by airport security because they found a bottle of water in one of his carry-on bags. "Sorry," the officer said, tossing the bottle into a bin of confiscated items, "but water is now considered a liquid."  

Our priest asked how things were going with my father. "Well, he has issues," I replied, then shared a few details.

After listening, he said, "Issues? Sounds like he's got a year's subscription."

 

My brother delivered prescriptions to people too ill to go out. Since the neighborhoods he visited were often unsafe, he decided to get some protection.

"Why do you need a pistol?" asked the clerk at the gun shop.

My brother had to explain, "I deliver drugs at night and carry a lot of money."

 

Some people have a knack for remembering faces. Others, according to this e-mail I received at work, go them one better: "The only designated smoking area at Building One is at the picnic benches, under the covered area, where the butt distinguishers are."

 

The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, "Hey, dogs bark. It's human nature."

 

Since my purchases came to $19.06, I handed the cashier a twenty.

"Do you have six cents?" she asked.

"Sorry," I said after fishing around my pockets, "I have no cents."

"Finally," she muttered, "a man who can admit it."

 

For a romantic touch, I washed our sheets with lavender-scented detergent. When my husband got into bed, he sniffed. "What's this?" he asked.

"Guess," I said coyly.

"I have no idea," he said. "It smells like the stuff you use to line the hamster's cage."

 

I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded. I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."  

One day we were watching a game, when my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in here!"

Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give it some cough syrup."

I suppose it speaks volumes about the state of my marriage when I admit to nodding knowingly at a remark made by a colleague.

She was telling me about the death of another co-worker's spouse, when she commented, "How sad. They'd been married only five years, so I imagine she still loved him."

 

Our first stop as new recruits was the barber's.

"Want to keep your sideburns?" he asked.

"Yes, that would be great," I said.

"Okay, I'll get you a bag to put them in."

"Who here speaks French?" demanded our sergeant. Three guys raised their hands. "Good," he said. "You get to clean the latrine. That's a French word."

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust."You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer."

"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh. "Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid." "Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."