Did you hear the one about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed some space.—Contributed by James Brink
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
The Heavy Cartoonist
Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the 400-pound cartoonist? He was overdrawn.—Contributed by James Brink
The Unemployed Knife-Sharpener
Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the knife-sharpener who quit his job? He couldn't stand the daily grind.—Contributed by James Brink
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The Mime Who Shopped
Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink
The Allergic Convict
Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink
Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle
Red Cross in Search of Donors With Low Blood Supply
—Source: Sandusky Register
—Source: Sandusky Register
Woman With Arms Held
—Source: Times of India
—Source: Times of India
Motorcycle Deaths Drop, But Trend Is Worrisome
—Source: Yahoo.com
—Source: Yahoo.com
Pasco Man Arrested, says 48 Beers Was Likely 10 Too Many
—Source: St. Petersburg Times
—Source: St. Petersburg Times
Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers
—Source: The Tennessean
—Source: The Tennessean
Poverty, Hunger Go Together
—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas
—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas
Self-Proclaimed Invisible Man No Show at Court Hearing
—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)
—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)
SUV Crashes Into House After Suffering Seizure
—Source: Great Falls Tribune (Montana); submitted by Elva Pilling, Great Falls, Montana
—Source: Great Falls Tribune (Montana); submitted by Elva Pilling, Great Falls, Montana
Police Arrest Naked Man With Concealed Weapon
—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, Kentucky
—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, Kentucky
Witches
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
—Contributed by Caroline Joyce
Who's there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
—Contributed by Caroline Joyce
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
—Contributed by Caroline Joyce
Who's there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
—Contributed by Caroline Joyce
G-E-T W-E-L-L S-O-O-N
Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.
—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)
—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)
Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen...
Hey, Break a Leg!
Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon
Sam and Janet
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
—Contributed by Vicki Stephens
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
—Contributed by Vicki Stephens
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
—Contributed by Vicki Stephens
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
—Contributed by Vicki Stephens
Amos
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
—Contributed by Laurie Callier
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
—Contributed by Laurie Callier
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
—Contributed by Laurie Callier
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
—Contributed by Laurie Callier
Weevil
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
—Contributed by Lubna Wali
Who's there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
—Contributed by Lubna Wali
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
—Contributed by Lubna Wali
Who's there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
—Contributed by Lubna Wali
Overheard: Weight a Minute!
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn’t know soda was baked. Girl #2: Thank God it’s not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would...
Overheard: Voided of Thought
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated? Friend: Well, that’s not exactly what he said, now, was it? Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided...
Overheard: Eye Gotcha!
Guy: Your glasses can't be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault.
Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Girl: I'm very competitive.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault.
Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Girl: I'm very competitive.
—From overheardinnewyork.com
Guy: Your glasses can’t be bad—you just got them! Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it’s really my own fault. Guy: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve...
Devoted and Determined
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "Okay, okay!" Then, as an afterthought: "But don't let it happen again!"
—Contributed by Sandra L. Caron
—Contributed by Sandra L. Caron
During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine’s Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out,...
Irresistible Irony
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. "I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don't bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won't work out. That guy is me."
—Contributed by Pat Patel
—Contributed by Pat Patel
About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column...
Mower Than a Greeting Card
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: "I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
—Contributed by Gene Hyde
—Contributed by Gene Hyde
My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine’s Day, but when he spoke...
9 to 5 Love
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine's Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: "Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren't thinking of you, I'd probably be through."
—Contributed by Cindy Wolf
—Contributed by Cindy Wolf
My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me...
Pastoral Passion
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. "Would you have anything in black flannel?" He asked.
—Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo
—Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo
The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine’s Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee....
Sweet Nothings (.com)
My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a modem."
—Contributed by Anne McConnell
—Contributed by Anne McConnell
My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet....
Check Out a Romance
I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books.
After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
—Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow
—Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow
I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian...
A Little Nuts About Love
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"
—Contributed by Theodore Bologna
—Contributed by Theodore Bologna
Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was...
Spoken Like a Harvard Grad
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O'Brien
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O’Brien
Family Feud?
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller
Love Advice
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.—Mae West
Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.—Mae West
Maybe You’d Prefer Spin Class
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle
Out of Work?
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.—Slappy White
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.—Slappy White
Funny Definition
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks
Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks
Even in HD
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen
The Meaning of Life
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred Allen
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred...
Barkeep!
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen
Woes of Being a Writer
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen
Take a Hike!
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen
Short-Term Memory
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen
We Thought They Really Had to Go
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck
Spoken by the 99 Percent
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker
This Would Make Me Feel Better
Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker
Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker
Nice to Meet You?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx
Remember Me
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen
All I Really Need
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny
Lifetime Achievements
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.—Jack Benny
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.—Jack Benny
Howmanywasthat?
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns
Church Chuckle
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.—George Burns
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.—George Burns
Family Recipe
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child—if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.—W.C. Fields
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child—if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.—W.C. Fields
Free Ride
A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields
A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields
Bob Hope Classic!
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope
Take My Wife, Please!
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman
State Bird
When a Butterball Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller responded with, “Florida.”
When a Butterball Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller responded with, “Florida.”
All in the Family
A woman in her seventies, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time, called Butterball for help because her mother said she was tired of cooking and it was time her daughter learned how to prepare the Thanksgiving meal.
A woman in her seventies, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time, called Butterball for help because her mother said she was tired of cooking and it was time her...
It’s a Wrap
A proud gentleman called to tell the Butterball staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit in his pan.
A proud gentleman called to tell the Butterball staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit...
Carving the Turkey
A gentleman called Butterball's Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.
A gentleman called Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the...
Upside Down Turkey Surprise
A disappointed woman called Butterball's Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with an operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside down.
A disappointed woman called Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with an operator, it became apparent that the woman’s turkey was...
Turkey Help in a Pinch
One caller to Butterball's Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line had always cut the legs off the turkey before putting it in the oven, thinking that was how you had to cook a turkey. She later learned that the only reason her mom had been doing that was because their oven had been so small that that was the only way to get the bird into the oven!
One caller to Butterball’s Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line had always cut the legs off the turkey before putting it in the oven, thinking that was how you had to cook a...
The Best Time to Eat?
"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence."—Erma Bombeck
"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence."—Erma Bombeck