Did you hear the one about the mime who went shopping? He only bought unmentionables.—Contributed by James Brink

Did you hear the one about the convict who had an allergy? He broke out.—Contributed by James Brink

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Timothy Haas in Boseman Daily Chronicle

—Source: Sandusky Register

—Source: Times of India

—Source: Yahoo.com

—Source: St. Petersburg Times

—Source: The Tennessean

—Source: The Advertiser (Bastrop, Texas); contributed by Jeneva Leifester, Bastrop, Texas

—Source: The Daily Herald (Provo, Utah)

—Source: Great Falls Tribune (Montana); submitted by Elva Pilling, Great Falls, Montana

—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, Kentucky

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way home?
—Contributed by Caroline Joyce

Matt swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. Doctors said the problem will work itself out, but not in so many words.
—From Man Walks into a Bar by Stephen Arnott and Mike Haskins (Ulysses Press)

Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
—Contributed by Adam Joshua Smargon

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Samenjanet Evening.
—Contributed by Vicki Stephens

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me!
—Contributed by Laurie Callier

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Weevil
Weevil who?
Weevil weevil rock you.
—Contributed by Lubna Wali

Girl #1 (picking up box of baking soda): I didn't know soda was baked.
Girl #2: Thank God it's not fried! Do you know how many extra calories that would be?!
—From overheardinnewyork.com

Girl: Why would he say that I was not educated?
Friend: Well, that's not exactly what he said, now, was it?
Girl: No. He said I was tapid and voided of thought.
Friend: Vapid and devoid of thought.
Girl: Same thing.
—From overheardinnewyork.com

Guy: Your glasses can't be bad—you just got them!
Girl: Yeah, but I cheated on the eye exam, so it's really my own fault.
Guy: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Girl: I'm very competitive.
—From overheardinnewyork.com

During World War II my parents had planned a romantic Valentine's Day wedding. Suddenly my father, then stationed at Camp Edwards in Massachusetts, received orders to prepare to ship out, and all leaves were canceled. Being a young man in love, he went AWOL. He and my mother were married four days earlier than originally planned and he returned to base to an angry sergeant. After hearing the explanation, the sergeant understandingly replied, "Okay, okay!" Then, as an afterthought: "But don't let it happen again!"
—Contributed by Sandra L. Caron

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I'd scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they'd be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my messages and discovered one from my ex-husband. "I was over visiting the kids yesterday," he said. "While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don't bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won't work out. That guy is me."
—Contributed by Pat Patel

My friend Mark and I work in a lawn-mower-parts warehouse. Somehow Mark got the idea that his wife did not want a card on Valentine's Day, but when he spoke to her on the phone he discovered she was expecting one. Not having time to buy a card on his way home, Mark was in a quandary. Then he looked at the lawn-mower trade magazines scattered around the office—and got an idea. Using scissors and glue, he created a card with pictures of mowers, next to which he wrote: "I lawn for you mower and mower each day."
—Contributed by Gene Hyde

My husband, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule, he took time out to order me flowers for Valentine's Day. While pondering what sweet endearment to write on the card, he obviously began thinking of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: "Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren't thinking of you, I'd probably be through."
—Contributed by Cindy Wolf

The lingerie store where my aunt works was crowded with shoppers selecting Valentine's Day gifts for their wives. A young businessman came to the register with a lacy black negligee. My aunt noticed that the next customer, an elderly farmer, was holding a long flannel nightgown and kept glancing at the younger man's sexier choice. When it was his turn, the farmer placed the nightgown on the counter. "Would you have anything in black flannel?" He asked.
—Contributed by Christine A. Pandolfo

My boyfriend Hans and I met online. After dating a long time, I introduced him to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, "I just used a modem."
—Contributed by Anne McConnell

I met my husband while I was working in a science library. He came in every week to read the latest journals and eventually decided to take out the librarian instead of the books. After a year and a half of dating, he showed up at the library and started rummaging through my desk. I asked what he was looking for, but he didn't answer. Finally he unearthed one of the rubber stamps I used to identify reference books. "Since I couldn't find the right engagement ring," he said, "this will have to do," and he firmly stamped my hand. Across my knuckles, in capital letters, it read "NOT FOR CIRCULATION."
—Contributed by Ruth E. Chodrow

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. "Why the new sign?" I asked. "My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one," she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts"
—Contributed by Theodore Bologna

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.—Conan O'Brien

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.—Phyllis Diller

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.—Mae West

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.—Milton Berle

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.—Slappy White

Tragedy is when I cut my finger, but comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.—Mel Brooks

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.—Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.—Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.—Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.—Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.—Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.—Fred Allen

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.—Erma Bombeck

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.—Dorothy Parker

Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.—Dorothy Parker

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.—Groucho Marx

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.—Woody Allen

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.—Jack Benny

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.—Jack Benny

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded, but the trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.—George Burns

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.—George Burns

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child—if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.—W.C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink—and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.—W.C. Fields

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.—Bob Hope

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.—Henny Youngman

When a Butterball Talk-Line staffer asked a caller what state her turkey was in (meaning how thawed was it) the caller responded with, “Florida.”

A woman in her seventies, cooking Thanksgiving dinner for the first time, called Butterball for help because her mother said she was tired of cooking and it was time her daughter learned how to prepare the Thanksgiving meal.

A proud gentleman called to tell the Butterball staff how he wrapped his turkey in a towel and stomped on it several times, breaking the bones so it would fit in his pan.

A gentleman called Butterball's Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line to tell the operator he cut his turkey in half with a chain saw and wanted to know if the oil from the chain would adversely affect the turkey.

A disappointed woman called Butterball's Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line wondering why her turkey had no breast meat. After a conversation with an operator, it became apparent that the woman's turkey was lying on the table upside down.

One caller to Butterball's Thanksgiving Turkey Talk-Line had always cut the legs off the turkey before putting it in the oven, thinking that was how you had to cook a turkey. She later learned that the only reason her mom had been doing that was because their oven had been so small that that was the only way to get the bird into the oven!

"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not coincidence."—Erma Bombeck