A man walks into a restaurant and says, "How do you prepare your chickens?" The cook replies, "Nothing special. We just tell 'em they're gonna die."

A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial. —Jimmy Fallon

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49." The duck replies, "Put it on my bill."

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?" and the bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?" The dog replies, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

A pork chop goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?" "No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

Few civilians know what a quartermaster does. So during my aircraft carrier’s Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore—I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary ship. Then I asked a little girl, “Now do you know what I do?” She said, “You’re a cheerleader.” —Danny Sullivan

Combat rules soldiers should know: • Never share a foxhole with 
anyone braver than you. • Never look important; the enemy may be low on ammo. • Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you. • Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Two women came to my photo studio to have their portrait taken. My very young and very naïve assistant asked, “Are you two sisters?” “No,” said one of the women. “We’re partners.” “Ohhhh …,” said my assistant. “So how long have you ladies been cops?” —Jennifer Cordova, Glendale, Arizona

Bookstore owners share their customers’ oddest requests. “Where’s your true fiction section?” Holding an autographed book: “I want to buy this book but not this copy because someone’s written in it.” “Do you have Pride and Produce?” Source: dailymail.co.uk

My neighbor, a police officer, pulled someone over for texting while driving, a big no-no in our state. The driver was having none of it. “I was not texting!” she  insisted indignantly. “I was on Facebook.” —Brenda Morales, Crown Point, Indiana

Overheard: a mother bragging about her daughter. “She’s very articulate. She can draw anything.” Rhonda Turnbow, Cunningham, Kentucky

I went with a friend to the country to look at a house he was thinking of buying. We found the town but not the road. We drove over to city hall, but no one there had heard of the road, not even the police or firefighters we asked. Finally, a young guy came to our aid. Pulling out a map, he showed us exactly how to get there. “Thanks,” I said. “Are you with the police or fire department?” “Neither,” he said. “I deliver pizzas.” —Thomas Ellsworth, on gcfl.net

My sister got a call from a telemarketer who was selling replacement windows. “I can’t use them,” she said. “I’m renting an apartment.” “No problem,” he said. “You can take the windows with you when you move.” — Laura O’Neal, Euclid, Ohio

In the British documentary 56 Up, a man shared that he had earned a law degree at Oxford. Then, in his thick English accent, he proudly proclaimed that he was now a “barrister.” My 13-year-old daughter wasn’t impressed. “So,” she said, “he spent all that effort getting an Oxford law degree, and now he works at Starbucks?” Lauren Joyce, San Rafael, California

While phoning a friend, my grandmother dialed the wrong number. She apologized and tried again, but she got the same number. Once more she hung up and redialed—same result. Now Grandma was frustrated. “Look,” she told the person on the other end, “I’m going to call my friend again. This time, don’t answer her phone!” —Danielle Gilleland, Louisburg, North Carolina

On a trip to Sweden, I asked a few people where I could find some good local cuisine. “This is a pretty cosmopolitan city, so you can find just about any kind of international food that you’d like,” said one man. “But if you want truly local cuisine, get the meatballs at IKEA.” Patrick Klever, Richmond, Kentucky

I’m not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, “Thanks for putting up with me so long.” When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work. “Where are you going?” she asked. “What do you mean?” I said. She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: “Thanks for putting up with me. So long.” —George Arnold, Melbourne, Florida

Just want to thank my mail carrier for delivering my recycling directly to my house. —@juliussharpe

Some of my proudest moments have been when a website told me my password was “Very Strong.” —@AaronFullerton

Sometimes you have a mess on your hands that defies description. Not anymore. Clorox teamed up with comedian Carol Leifer to create The Clorox Ick-tionary, a Wiki-style dictionary for everyday messes. Here are new words that define slovenliness. Apocolipstick: The streak on your face when you’re bumped into while attempting to apply lipstick. Szechuan doodles: The pattern that your lo mein noodles make when they fall on the floor. Fridge-a-mortis: The liquid in the bottom of the vegetable drawer that hardens over time. Board-’oeuvres: Crumbs on your keyboard.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. “You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich.” —Jim Gaffigan

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.” A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. “Why did you buy six cartons of milk?” his wife asks. He replies, “They had avocados.” Submitted by Tom Buoye, Manchester, New Jersey

Stephen Colbert to students at the University of Virginia: “Your generation needs everything to be about you, and that’s very upsetting to us baby boomers because self-absorption is sort of our thing."

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi 'cided to come over to play!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know it's really me unless you open the door?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
Wendy bell works again I won't have to knock anymore.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken you let me in?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Will.
Will who?
Will you just open the door already?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ice cream.
Ice cream who?
ICE CREAM RIGHT NOW IF YOU DON'T LET ME IN!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs your doorbell, it's not working!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alex.
Alex who?
Hey, Alex the questions around here!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Broken pencil.
Broken pencil who?
Forget it—this joke is pointless.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body going to open the door already?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Somebody who can't reach the doorbell!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked. Open up!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Tank.
Tank who?
You're welcome!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
From.
From who?
Actually, grammatically speaking you should say "from whom."

A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy. “Magic beer,” he says. “Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?” The guy proceeds to show him: He drinks some beer, jumps off the roof, flies around the building, and returns to his seat. “Amazing! Lemme try some of that,” the man says. He grabs the beer, downs it, leaps off the roof, 
and falls 30 feet to the ground. The bartender shakes his head and says to the first guy, “You know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.

Old daredevils never die; they just get discouraged.

Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.

Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would cost $6 per person. “However,” he said, “if you’re over 65, the price will be $5.50.” From the back of the congregation, a woman shouted, “Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?” —Thomas Ellsworth, gcfl.net

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me 
a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled The Meaning of Dreams. From reddit.com

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!
—Contributed by Diane Page

When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a “swim call,” the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. “Don’t worry,” he assured me. “You are never more than three miles from land.” Then he added, “Straight down.” —Robert McPaul, Millsboro, Delaware

Ad from a printer I will not be doing business with: “We offer a full line of pricing options that will meet or exceed your printing budget.” —Rachel Wagner, Bixby, Oklahoma

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, Mom. —From fmylife.com

Yesterday, a guy came up to me at work and said, “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?” I’ll say that again. A guy came up to me … at work … and asked, “How are you ever going to get a job with all those piercings?” —From nickmoorexvx.tumblr.com

I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths. “I’m sorry, I can’t,” she said. “I already cut it in half.” —Christine Smart, Dayton, Ohio

“My great-grandma gave me this money,” said my three-year-old, happily clutching a $20 bill he’d 
gotten as a present. “That’s right,” I said. “How did you know that?” Pointing to Andrew Jackson’s face in the middle, he said, “Because her picture is on it.” —Andi Olson, Avondale, Arizona

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.” —Kurt Epps, Perth Amboy, New Jersey

Needing to look up a phone number at a friend’s house, my teenage daughter asked for a phone book. She might as well have asked for a papyrus scroll. “A phone book?” asked her friend. “You know,” said my daughter. 
“A book with numbers in it.” “Oh,” said her friend as it dawned on her. “You mean a math book.” —Karen Eccles, La Mesa, California

My friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale. 
Conclusion: My grandma weighs $950. —From awesomephilia.com

Our drill instructor was at the end of his rope: An airman’s ineptitude was driving him crazy. Getting in the airman’s face, he demanded, “Whoever told you to join the Air Force?!” Snapping to attention, the airman proclaimed, “The Navy recruiter, Sir.” —James Hetlinger, Webb City, Missouri

I don’t want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don’t have to finish it. —Tim Siedell (@badbanana on Twitter)

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

Even though I’m from Boston, I feel right at home in the South. You see, Boston is also full of people with thick accents who hate the Yankees. —Conan O’Brien

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm. “Do you make fish cakes?” he asked. “Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger. “Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”

A month ago, my friend announced on Facebook that she was no 
longer ordering the large Coke at McDonald’s and would order only the small size. But the other day, looking to satisfy a craving, she drove up to the intercom at the drive-through and ordered a large soft drink. A disembodied voice 
replied, “I thought you were cutting back.” —Julie Engelhardt, Hollister, California

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him.” —Linda Watson, Edinburgh, Scotland

Little girl: I want cotton candy! Mom: You can have some cotton candy after you eat something 
healthy. Little girl: I want cotton candy now! Mom: I said no, you’re going to have something healthy! How about a corn dog? —Laura Curran, Kellogg, Idaho

During a science lesson, my sister-in-law picked up a magnet and 
said to her second-grade class, “My name begins with the letter M, and 
I pick things up. What am I?” A little boy answered, “You’re a mommy.” —Robert Boyer, Marion, Indiana

Customer: Pardon me, I’m lost. Me: What are you looking for? Customer: I’m looking for Milkjer Boulevard. Me: I’ve never heard of it. Can I see your directions? Customer: Sure. See, it’s spelled 
M-L-K-J-R Boulevard.

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?” “Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.” “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?” “Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 15 to 2.”

“I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you 
remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life. —Aaron Karo, on ruminations.com

A Red Sox fan walks into a Boston pub and spots a guy wearing a New York Yankees cap. “Drinks for everyone here, bartender!” shouts the Red Sox fan. “Except for 
Mr. Yankees!” The Yankees fan smiles and says, “Thank you!” Infuriated, the Red Sox fan orders another round of drinks for everyone except Mr. Yankees, who, again, thanks the man. This goes on for a while, until Mr. Red Sox asks the bartender, “What’s the matter with that guy? I’ve ordered rounds of drinks for everyone but him, and all he does is thank me. Is he nuts?” “No, he’s not nuts,” says the bartender. “He owns the place.”

Nobody wants a pain reliever that’s anything less than extra-strength: “Give me the maximum-allowable dosage. Figure out what will kill me, and then back it off a little bit.” —Jerry Seinfeld