I realized my little nephew will never know life without Facebook. He’ll never know what it’s like to go, “I wonder what happened to that guy Chris from high school?” and then just shrug his shoulders and move on. Comedian Ophira Eisenberg

The Yoko Club? Oh no. The German Philosophy Club? I Kant. The Compulsive-Rhymers Club? Okey-dokey. The Codependence Club? Can I bring a friend? The Procrastinators Club? Maybe next week. From gcfl.com

Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

Did you hear about the giant who threw up? It's all over town.

A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room. “Diploma,” the friend calls after her, “bring us two cups of coffee.” “Diploma? What an odd name,” says the visitor. “How did she get it?” The friend sighs. “I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with.” —Source: Funny in Portugal Survey

As they leave the courthouse, a lawyer turns to his grim-faced client and says, “Janez, what's wrong? You were acquitted.” “I know, but now I'm really in trouble,” says Janez. “I just rented out my apartment for three years.” —Source: Funny in Slovenia

A neighbor finds a young boy sitting on the stairs crying. “What's the matter, honey?” she asks him. “It's my father,” the boy says, sobbing. “He hit his finger with a hammer.” “Then why are you crying?” she says. “Because first I laughed!” he answers. —Source: Funny in Serbia Survey

Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off. &emdash;God —Source: Funny in Russia Survey

A beggar approaches a grandmother at the beach with his hands out. “Please, Señora,” the poor man pleads, “I haven't eaten all day.” “Good,” says the grandmother. “Now you won't have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim.” —Source: Funny in Spain Survey

“Hurry up or we'll be late!” shouts a teacher to her kindergarten class. “What's the rush?” a tot asks coolly. “If we're late, we'll miss your next class!” the teacher reminds him. The kid shrugs. “If you're in such a hurry, go on without us.” —Source: Funny in Thailand Survey

Wife: “Honey, did you notice? I bought a new toilet brush.” Husband: “Yes, I did. But I still prefer the paper.” —Source: Funny in Switzerland

At the nudist colony for communists, two men are sitting on the front porch. One turns to the other and says, "I say, have you read Marx?" The other replies, "Yes … I believe it's these wicker chairs."

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “ ‘Here, boy,’ ” he replies.

A schoolteacher was arrested at the airport for trying to go through security with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. "Hey!" shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, "I'm a panda. Google me!" Sure enough, panda: "A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey." The horse says, "You read my mind, buddy."

Pasco Man Arrested, Says 48 Beers Was Likely Ten Too Many —Source: St. Petersburg Times

Two men walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have ducked.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

So there was this dyslexic guy who walked into a bra.

Doctor Jones likes to stop at a bar after work and enjoy an almond daiquiri. One day, Dick the bartender runs out of almonds and uses hickory nuts instead. The doctor takes a sip and says, "Is this an almond daiquiri, Dick?" And Dick says, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or Twist?"

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under one arm. The man says, "Beer, please, and one for the road."

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "OK, but I don't want you starting anything in here."

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender tells him to get out. The mushroom says, “Why? I’m a fun-guy.”

A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer …............. and some of those peanuts." The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

Several fonts walk into a bar. "Get out of here!" shouts the bartender. "We don't serve your type here."

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A brain goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a pint, please." The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're out of your head."

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, "Hey, that's neat. Where did you get that?" The parrot says, "France—they've got millions of them there."

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often." The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway.

So I called up the spiritual leader of Tibet, and he sent me a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I phoned dial-a-llama.

The human cannonball tells the circus owner he is going to retire. "But you can't!" protests the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?

There was a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza guy? "Make me one with everything."

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help? Because he can't be a brother and assist her too.

What do you call a fish with no eye? Fsh.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies.

Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem.

Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.

Why were all the ink spots crying? Their father was in the pen.

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they can't remember the words.

Think it’s easy being a landlord? Check out these tenant complaints: “The toilet is blocked, and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.” “Fifty percent of the walls are damp, 50 percent have crumbling plaster, and 50 percent are just plain filthy.” “My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.” “I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.” “I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.” “It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.” From planetproctor.com

My father-in-law asked his wife what he should name his new boat. She said, “Name it after me.” The next time she saw the boat, it had After Me on the back of it. 
 —Perce Cox, on gcfl.net

My wife is a very adventurous cook. “How does this sound?” she called out from the kitchen. “Bonito, surimi, and anchovies in a decadent, silky broth.” “Sounds delicious,” I hollered back. “Is that what we’re having tonight?” “No. I’m reading from this packet of cat food.” —David Wellings, India

On my way home from my mother’s, I realized I’d left my cell phone at her house. So I went back to get it. Upon retrieving it, I noticed I had a message from Mom. She’d texted, “You left your phone.” —David Obando, Houston, Texas

Writing newspaper copy is an art form unseen in these real headlines: “Worker Suffers Leg Pain After Crane Drops 800-Pound Ball on His Head” “City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells” “Caskets Found as Workers Demolish Mausoleum” “Statistics Show That Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25” “Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police” “Hospitals Resort to Hiring Doctors”

My sister got a call from her son’s kindergarten teacher. When he’d gone in to check on Little James in the bathroom, he noticed the boy was using a urinal. “That’s odd,” my sister said. “We never taught him how to use a urinal.” “I could tell,” said the teacher. “He was sitting in it.” —Esther Olchewski, West Valley City, Utah

When my lifelong-bachelor uncle turned 78, he traveled across the country to visit a dozen or so 
old girlfriends. “How’d it go?” I asked when he returned. “Thank God I never married any of them,” he said. “They’re all widows.” —Bill Notchman, Montclair, New Jersey

A customer’s request to the general store in his vacation town: “I would like to reserve a New York Times, Star-Ledger, and Post for every Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from June 22 till Labor Day. However, we will be in Greece from July 1 to July 8. My son may or may not pick up the papers then, we don’t know. We will be in Spain for two weeks in August. Not sure which two, though. We’ll try to let you know. Oh, and we don’t need the Times on any Mondays in July, except the 8th of July.” The store’s response: “Effective July … we will no longer be reserving newspapers.” —jimromenesko.com

All I want is for people to be as excited to see me as they are when finding a curly fry amongst their regular ones. —@thejohnblog Girls love french fries. But only if they didn’t order them. —@nickspears

I think my parents have become ghost hunters, because every room they go in they think is cold. 
 —Comedian Matt Weinhold

So that three people can fit in the pickup.

A man invited a woman over to his home for a seven-course meal. “That’s lovely,” she said. “What are we going to have?” He said, “A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.” —From Jokes Every Woman Should Know (Quirk), edited by Jennifer Worick

Here are intentionally bad first lines from nonexistent novels, courtesy of the annual Lyttle 
Lytton Contest: “Agent Jeffrey’s trained eyes rolled carefully around the room, taking in the sights and sounds.” “It was a beautiful night, and the full moon glew like it had never glown before.” “‘BOOM!’ said the bomb very loudly.” “‘Ooh la la!’ whispered Larry in French.” “She had the kind of face that made you want to say, ‘Hey, look 
at your face!’”

A hermit leaves the solitude of his rural home and ventures into town for the first time in his life to try to get a loan. Inside the bank, he tells the manager, “I want to borrow $10,000 to build a bathroom in my house.” “I don’t believe I know you,” says the manager. “Where have you done your business before?” The hermit replies, “Out back in the woods.” —Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

Did you ever notice that from the time you hang up the phone until the pizza guy shows up, the only conversation you have is “Where’s the guy with our pizza?” —Comedian Bob Marley

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

A millionaire, a hard hat, and a cheapskate are at a bar... When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then sips the new one. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It’s now the cheapskate’s turn: He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, “Spit it out! Spit it out!”

My boss gave me a generic birthday card. It read “Happy Birthday, Greg!” with the word Greg crossed out and my name penned in above it. Greg was fired last month. —mystupidboss.net

From the news: “Bob” was considered a star at the computer company where he worked. He made a six-figure salary and routinely received excellent performance reviews. And now we know why: Without his boss’s knowledge, “Bob” had outsourced his entire job to a company in China—for a fifth of his salary. He then spent his days at his desk playing games, shopping on eBay, and watching cat videos. —Source: nydailynews.com