—Source: TBO.com
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Failed Breathalyzer Test
Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear
-- Source: USA Today
Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear
-- Source: USA Today
Lafayette Man Ticketed After Cat Refuses to Jog with Him
—Source: Denver Post
—Source: Denver Post
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
SEE ALL CATEGORIES
Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers
—Source: The Tennessean
—Source: The Tennessean
Good Smell Perplexes New Yorkers
—Source: New York Times
—Source: New York Times
Collateral Damage
As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. I snapped to attention and saluted. The colonel responded in kind. The result: the soul-crunching sound of both bags crashing to the sidewalk. As liquor seeped into the gutter, he choked out, “Don’t ever salute me again!”
Chuck Munroe, Chesterfield, Missouri
As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. I snapped to attention and saluted. The colonel responded in kind. The result: the soul-crunching sound...
Standing Violation
Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.”
Mike Lins, Savage, Minnesota
Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.” Mike...
Forget Everything You Know About Guns
After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I get a waiver?”
The clerk replied, “Because we teach you not to shoot people.”
Fred Jarrett, Norfolk, New York
After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,”...
Can You Hear Me Ever?
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.
“Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.”
Sam Cohen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection.
“Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.”
Sam Cohen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Bad Bedside Manner
I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair. As he opened the door leading from the clinic into the hospital wing, the patient looked confused. “Where are we?” she asked.
The nursing assistant gently explained, “We’ve gone over to the other side.”
Cheryl McCormick, Roanoke, Virginia
I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair....
Reading, ‘Riting, Regional Dialects
I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, “Did you warsh your hands?”
“It’s not warsh, it’s wash,” said the other. “The r is silent.”
Tiffany Brown, Blue Springs, Missouri
I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, “Did you warsh your hands?” “It’s not warsh, it’s wash,” said the other. “The r is silent.”...
70 Years Young
When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday,
I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”
The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”
Michael E. Hunt, Woodacre, California
When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.” The...
Bosses Say the Darnedest Things
Here are actual comments bosses made to employees during their
salary reviews:
“I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.”
“No, we don’t promote family members first. It’s just coincidence.”
“Before you came to my department, you were such a shining star—full of new ideas and enthusiasm. What happened to you?”
“This is a salary review. Let’s not focus on the money.”
From mediabistro.com
Here are actual comments bosses made to employees during their salary reviews: “I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.” “No, we don’t promote family members first....
Hush, Little Actuary
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says. “Have you tried counting sheep?”...
You Look so Familiar…
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
To
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
Six Degrees of Separation
The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it!
—Mindy Kaling
The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I’m reading about...
Diaper Duty
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.
—Howie Mandell
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set...
3.14 Pieces to be Exact
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
—David Mamet
Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie.
—David Mamet
Melville v. Schwarzenegger
Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
—Aziz Ansari
Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page.
—Aziz Ansari
At Your Service
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
Wasn’t Me
Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?"
—Jerry Seinfeld
Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?"
—Jerry Seinfeld
Sound Advice
Never eat more than you can lift.
—Miss Piggy
Never eat more than you can lift.
—Miss Piggy
Parental Warning
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me. I'll make another one look just like you."
—Bill Cosby
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, “You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you...
Positive Thinking
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”
—Craig Ferguson
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.”
—Craig Ferguson
Come on, Science
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!
—Lewis Black
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!!
—Lewis Black
It’s What We’re All Thinking, Anyway
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.
—Mindy Kaling
I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.
—Mindy Kaling
In a Food Court Near You
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
—Ellen DeGeneres
I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
—Ellen DeGeneres
Lincoln on Lock Down
I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out.
—Louis C.K.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can’t get it out. You can’t. You can visit your five dollars, you can...
He Never Said Best Friend…
Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them.
—John Hodgman
Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them....
Did You Try the One Where…
Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.
—Franklin P. Jones
Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way.
—Franklin P. Jones
The Answer to All Your Pain Problems!
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
—Lily Tomlin
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
—Lily Tomlin
The Joys of Fatherhood
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
—Jon Stewart
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
—Jon Stewart
Can I Get a Yee-Haw?
Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy.
—Dierks Bentley
Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy.
—Dierks Bentley
The Truth about Unhappiness
As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.
—Mindy Kaling
As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet.
—Mindy Kaling
Some Like it Hot
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage.
—Mindy Kaling
Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage.
—Mindy Kaling
Last Words
A business executive visits his Chinese friend in the hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. “Li kai yang qi guan!” says the patient, as he draws his last breath.
Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: “Get off my oxygen tube.”
—Source: Funny in India Survey
A business executive visits his Chinese friend in the hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn’t...
One Hell of a Trip
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address, and the message goes to a recent widow.
The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine.
“P.S. It's really hot!”
Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to...
A Fair Trade
A man calls a radio deejay and says, “I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.’ ”
“So?” says the deejay. “What do you want us to do?”
The man replies, “Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?”
—Source: Funny in Czech Republic Survey
A man calls a radio deejay and says, “I’ve found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There’s also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.’...
The Cop and the Superhero
A concerned police officer approaches a boy who is crying in front of a newsstand. “What's wrong?” the cop asks.
“Superman isn't out yet!” says the boy.
“I'll handle it,” the cop assures him. “Hey, Superman!” he shouts. “Come on out! We won't hurt you!”
—Source: Funny in Croatia Survey
A concerned police officer approaches a boy who is crying in front of a newsstand. “What’s wrong?” the cop asks. “Superman isn’t out yet!” says the boy. “I’ll handle it,”...
Frozen Account
My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen.”
—Source: Funny in China Survey
My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother’s piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this...
The Three Week Diet
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”
—Source: Funny in Canada Survey
A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source:...
Florida Man Dies After Winning Live Roach-Eating Contest
—Source: USA Today
—Source: USA Today
Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons
—Source: Tulsa World
—Source: Tulsa World
County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds
—Source: Register-Guard
—Source: Register-Guard
Weekly Poker Game
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Chick Accuses Some of Her Male Colleagues of Sexism
—Source: LA Times
—Source: LA Times
Area Man Joins Organization
Area Man Joins Organization Where Nothing Much Ever Happens
—Source: Wall Street Journal
Area Man Joins Organization Where Nothing Much Ever Happens
—Source: Wall Street Journal
Angry Nepali Man Bites Cobra to Death in Revenge Attack
—Source: MSNBC
—Source: MSNBC
Alton Attorney Accidentally Sues Himself
—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record
—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record
A Fat, Mustachioed Orphan Finds a Home
—Source: New York Times
—Source: New York Times
The Anxious Poodle
Poodle: "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
Collie: "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?"
Poodle: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch."
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go...
My Wife was in Labor…
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked.
"Nothing," he said. "She's just having contractions."
My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, “Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!” “Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?” I asked. “Nothing,” he...
Roe v. Wade
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
—Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
—Stephen Colbert
The Obituary of Martin Levine
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," read the newspaper obit. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50."
—Merrill Markoe
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65,” read the newspaper obit. “The funeral will be held on Thursday at...
The Stepladder
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
How Does Moses Make Tea?
How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
How does Moses make tea?
He brews.
Soul Singing Duck
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Barefoot Gandhi
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic...
A Cell Phone Wedding
Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Did you hear about the cell phones that got married?
The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Job Security
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back:
Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.”
Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.”
Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.”
Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.”
Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”
Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp...
That White House is Nice Too
Washington tourist on cell: “I found the house I want to live
in when I move to DC, but then I found out it was the Smithsonian.”
overheardeverywhere.com
Washington tourist on cell: “I found the house I want to live
in when I move to DC, but then I found out it was the Smithsonian.”
overheardeverywhere.com
A Liberal Appetite
I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer.
@jimmyfallon #mycrazydad
I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer.
@jimmyfallon #mycrazydad
Textbook Tongue-Twisters
Our professor had run through some of philosophy’s heaviest hitters: Xenophanes, Anaxagoras, Descartes, Schleiermacher, and Nietzsche. He had just started in on Pierre Teilhard de Chardin when a voice begged, “Did anyone named Smith ever write anything?”
Rev. Russell Wisehart, Harlan, Iowa
Our professor had run through some of philosophy’s heaviest hitters: Xenophanes, Anaxagoras, Descartes, Schleiermacher, and Nietzsche. He had just started in on Pierre Teilhard de Chardin when a voice begged,...
Micro Managing
“What are you doing?” asked my mother after I pressed several
buttons on her microwave.
“Reheating these leftovers for two minutes at 80 percent.”
“I didn’t know you could do that.”
“Sure. How do you reheat bacon?”
“Oh,” she said, “that’s two biscuits and a popcorn.”
Robin Roberson, Sandy, Utah
“What are you doing?” asked my mother after I pressed several buttons on her microwave. “Reheating these leftovers for two minutes at 80 percent.” “I didn’t know you could do...
Stiff Offer
Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.”
Allen Klein, San Francisco, California
Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.”
Allen Klein, San Francisco, California
Can You Spare Some Brimstone?
I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?”
“No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.”
Carolyn Owens, Minneapolis, Minnesota
I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?”
“No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.”
Carolyn Owens, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Don’t Ax…
A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down
to the grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax.
“This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.”
Lyle Brewer, Palm Springs, California
A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a...
A Ruff Part of Town
Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked, “As you can see, she just loves UPS men.”
Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?”
Donald Dawson, Gilbert, Arizona
Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep...
Fleeced!
I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase.
Adam Joshua Smargon,
Newark, Delaware
I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase.
Adam Joshua Smargon,
Newark, Delaware
Tweeter’s Digest: Just Chill
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.
@TheNardvark
Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising?
@RobinMcCauley
When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. @TheNardvark Do people who...
A Second Opinion
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.”
“Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.”
Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your...
This Weather is Hell
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?”
“They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead...