—Source: The Tennessean

—Source: New York Times

As I headed into a liquor store, a colonel came out carrying two bags. I snapped to attention and saluted. The colonel responded in kind. The result: the soul-crunching sound of both bags crashing to the sidewalk. As liquor seeped into the gutter, he choked out, “Don’t ever salute me again!” Chuck Munroe, Chesterfield, Missouri

Sign above the toilet in a women’s latrine at Camp Ripley in Minnesota: “If you are reading this sign while using this latrine, you are in the wrong one.” Mike Lins, Savage, Minnesota

After leaving the Army, I applied for a hunting permit but was told I would first need to take a hunter’s safety course. “I’m a veteran, trained in handling firearms,” I said. “Why wouldn’t I get a waiver?” The clerk replied, “Because we teach you not to shoot people.” Fred Jarrett, Norfolk, New York

I could barely understand my client due to a lousy phone connection. “Sorry,” he said. “I have the AT&T every-other-word plan.” Sam Cohen, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

I recently learned a valuable lesson regarding what not to say to patients. At our large hospital, I watched as a nursing assistant pushed an elderly woman in a wheelchair. As he opened the door leading from the clinic into the hospital wing, the patient looked confused. “Where are we?” she asked. The nursing assistant gently explained, “We’ve gone over to the other side.” Cheryl McCormick, Roanoke, Virginia

I eavesdropped on two of my language arts students. The first one asked, “Did you warsh your hands?” “It’s not warsh, it’s wash,” said the other. “The r is silent.” Tiffany Brown, Blue Springs, Missouri

When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, 
I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.” The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.” Michael E. Hunt, Woodacre, California

Here are actual comments bosses made to employees during their 
salary reviews: “I’ve got great news. You managed to avoid a salary decrease.” “No, we don’t promote family members first. It’s just coincidence.” “Before you came to my department, you were such a shining star—full of new ideas and enthusiasm. What happened to you?” “This is a salary review. Let’s not focus on the money.” From mediabistro.com

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says. “Have you tried counting sheep?” asks the doctor. “That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”  A time traveler walks into a bar.

Knock knock. Who’s there? To. To who? No, to whom.

The Internet also makes it extraordinarily difficult for me to focus. One small break to look up exactly how almond milk is made, and four hours later I'm reading about the Donner Party and texting all my friends: Did you guys know about the Donner Party and how messed up that was? Text me back so we can talk about it! —Mindy Kaling

The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example. —Howie Mandell

Stress cannot exist in the presence of pie. —David Mamet

Something very sad about the fact that I haven't read Moby Dick, but I have read the Kindergarten Cop Wikipedia page. —Aziz Ansari

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR execs. —Daniel J. Boorstin

Responsible? Who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it’s always, "Who’s responsible for this?" —Jerry Seinfeld

Never eat more than you can lift. —Miss Piggy

My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you into this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me. I'll make another one look just like you." —Bill Cosby

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.” —Craig Ferguson

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap—FIX IT!!! —Lewis Black

I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies. —Mindy Kaling

I really don’t think I need buns of steel. I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon. —Ellen DeGeneres

I don't know if you've ever had only five dollars in the bank, but guess what–you can't get it out. You can't. You can visit your five dollars, you can call it on the phone, but you can't get it out. —Louis C.K.

Generally speaking, I think it is fair to say that I am a friend to the creatures of the earth when I am not busy eating them or wearing them. —John Hodgman

Forgive your enemies—if you can’t get back at them any other way. —Franklin P. Jones

For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. —Lily Tomlin

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch. —Jon Stewart

Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy. —Dierks Bentley

As my mom has said, when one person is unhappy, it usually means two people are unhappy but that one has not come to terms with it yet. —Mindy Kaling

Another old saying is that revenge is a dish best served cold. But it feels best served piping hot, straight out of the oven of outrage. —Mindy Kaling

A business executive visits his Chinese friend in the hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the sick man feebly. The executive desperately wants to help him, but he doesn't speak Mandarin. “Li kai yang qi guan!” says the patient, as he draws his last breath. Later that year, the executive is in Shanghai on business when he finally learns the meaning of Li kai yang qi guan: “Get off my oxygen tube.” —Source: Funny in India Survey

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address, and the message goes to a recent widow. The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: “My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip down here will be as pleasant as mine. “P.S. It's really hot!”

A man calls a radio deejay and says, “I've found a wallet with a hundred thousand koruny inside. There's also a card that says ‘Jan Ziegler, Seifert Street 3, Prague.’ ” “So?” says the deejay. “What do you want us to do?” The man replies, “Would you be so kind as to play the man a song?” —Source: Funny in Czech Republic Survey

A concerned police officer approaches a boy who is crying in front of a newsstand. “What's wrong?” the cop asks. “Superman isn't out yet!” says the boy. “I'll handle it,” the cop assures him. “Hey, Superman!” he shouts. “Come on out! We won't hurt you!” —Source: Funny in Croatia Survey

My cousin always “borrows” money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy. One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the freezer. Inside was this note: “Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen.” —Source: Funny in China Survey

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.” “Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal. He replies, “Two weeks.” —Source: Funny in Canada Survey

—Source: USA Today

—Source: Tulsa World

—Source: Register-Guard

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

—Source: LA Times

Area Man Joins Organization Where Nothing Much Ever Happens —Source: Wall Street Journal

—Source: MSNBC

—Source: (Madison County, Illinois) Record

—Source: New York Times

Poodle: "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat." Collie: "Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" Poodle: "I can't. I'm not allowed on the couch."

My wife was in labor with our first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I asked. "Nothing," he said. "She's just having contractions."

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade … which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. —Stephen Colbert

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," read the newspaper obit. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40, and 10:50." —Merrill Markoe

I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder. But it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

How does Moses make tea? He brews.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, ate very little, and often fasted, leaving him thin and with very bad breath. Thus he is often thought of as a super callused, fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Did you hear about the cell phones that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Reddit.com asked workers: What is rule number one in your profession? Here’s what came back: Plumber: “Don’t chew your fingernails.” Roofer: “You are fired before you hit the ground.” Camp counselor: “Don’t lose the kid.” Scuba diver: “If it moves, it wants to kill you.” Photographer: “Take the lens cap off.”

Washington tourist on cell: “I found the house I want to live 
in when I move to DC, but then I found out it was the Smithsonian.” 
overheardeverywhere.com

I found out that the only reason my dad is a Democrat is because the Democratic club he went to had free unlimited beer. @jimmyfallon #mycrazydad

Our professor had run through some of philosophy’s heaviest hitters: Xenophanes, Anaxagoras, Descartes, Schleiermacher, and Nietzsche. He had just started in on Pierre Teilhard de Chardin when a voice begged, “Did anyone named Smith ever write anything?” Rev. Russell Wisehart, Harlan, Iowa

“What are you doing?” asked my mother after I pressed several 
buttons on her microwave. “Reheating these leftovers for two minutes at 80 percent.” “I didn’t know you could do that.” “Sure. How do you reheat bacon?” “Oh,” she said, “that’s two biscuits and a popcorn.” Robin Roberson, Sandy, Utah

Leafing through Madison, Wisconsin’s Capital Times, I noticed this classified ad: “For sale: one used tombstone. Splendid opportunity for family named Dingle.” Allen Klein, San Francisco, California

I asked my pastor, “If I don’t quit smoking, will I go to hell?” “No,” he said. “You’ll just smell like it.” Carolyn Owens, Minneapolis, Minnesota

A few weeks back, I went to the hardware store and bought an ax to use on an overgrown shrub. I put the ax in a bag and went a few doors down 
to the grocery store, where I bought two bottles of wine. As the clerk placed the wine in the bag, he spotted the ax. “This,” he said, “has all the makings of a very interesting weekend.” Lyle Brewer, Palm Springs, California

Our normally sweet Great Dane has one quirk: She hates United Parcel Service drivers. While walking her one day, we came upon a guy delivering a package. Struggling to keep hold of her, I joked, “As you can see, she just loves UPS men.” Circumnavigating us, he muttered, “Don’t you feed her anything else?” Donald Dawson, Gilbert, Arizona

I stayed in a hotel where the towels were so thick, I could hardly close my suitcase. Adam Joshua Smargon, 
Newark, Delaware

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset. @TheNardvark Do people who say “Exercise helps me relax” know about not exercising? @RobinMcCauley

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, “Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it.” “Come to me three times a week for two years, and I’ll cure your fears,” says the shrink. “And I’ll charge you only $200 a visit.” Lenny says he’ll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. “For $200 a visit?” says Lenny. “A bartender cured me for $10.” “Is that so! How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, “Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?” “They’re from Seattle,” Satan replies. “They’re too wet to burn.”