Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside—let me in!
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Robin
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you! Hand over your cash!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you! Hand over your cash!
Police
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry—I'm freezing out here!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police hurry—I'm freezing out here!
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Otto
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know what's taking you so long!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know what's taking you so long!
Orange
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you gonna open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you gonna open the door?
Noah
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?
Needle
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help gettin' in the door.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help gettin' in the door.
Nana
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business who's there.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Nana.
Nana who?
Nana your business who's there.
Luke
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole to see!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole to see!
Lettuce
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in already!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in already!
Ketchup
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I'll tell you!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ketchup.
Ketchup who?
Ketchup with me and I'll tell you!
Justin
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd come over.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd come over.
Isabelle
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?
Harry
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
H.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
H.
H who?
Bless you!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
H.
H who?
Bless you!
Goat
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who's knocking!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Goat.
Goat who?
Goat to the door to see who's knocking!
Dozen
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone want to let me in?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone want to let me in?
Dishes
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a nice place you got here.
Claire
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way; I'm coming in!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Claire.
Claire who?
Claire the way; I'm coming in!
Cash
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!
Canoe
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe open the door?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe open the door?
Boo Hoo
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo who?
Aww, don't cry—it's just a joke.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo who?
Aww, don't cry—it's just a joke.
Ben
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking for 20 minutes!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking for 20 minutes!
Avenue
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Avenue.
Avenue who?
Avenue knocked on this door before?
Alpaca
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!
Car Troubles
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
—George Carlin
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
—George Carlin
The Optimistic Crooner
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...
Seriously?
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
—Jim Carrey
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
—Jim Carrey
The Secret to Errands
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skeleton
Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skeleton
No. 1 Fear
According to most studies, people's No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
—Jerry Seinfeld
According to most studies, people’s No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if...
Fade Into Darkness
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
Engagement Woes
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you're like, "Damn, I could have had a car."
—Marc Maron
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it’s real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you’re like, “Damn, I could...
Here, Take My Money
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes.
—Chris Rock
You don't pay taxes—they take taxes.
—Chris Rock
Sore Loser
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
—Martina Navratilova
Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost.
—Martina Navratilova
Sleep Walking
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
—Bill Cosby
When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first?
—Bill Cosby
Step By Step
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
—Hannibal Buress
When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.
—Hannibal Buress
Is It Working?
When in doubt, look intelligent.
—Garrison Keillor
When in doubt, look intelligent.
—Garrison Keillor
What Poor Timing
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
—Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
—Garrison Keillor
I’ll Dream of it Instead
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
—Mindy Kaling
No They Aren’t!
The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
—David Letterman
The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
—David Letterman
Ain’t That the Truth
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
—Julia Child
The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.
—Julia Child
Food: 1. Man: 0.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
—Louis C.K.
The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself.
—Louis C.K.
The Millennial Breakfast Club
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
—Jon Stewart
The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.
—Jon Stewart
America’s Passtime
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
—Chris Rock
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
—Chris Rock
Hey Kid…
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
—Paula Poundstone
Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.
—Paula Poundstone
The Common Man’s Definition
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.
—Burt Bacharach
A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of.
—Burt Bacharach
Which is More Useful?
A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.
—Josh Hodgman
A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.
—Josh Hodgman
Also Known as a Smart Man
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
—Robert Frost
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
—Robert Frost
A Swift Decline
About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
—Source: Funny in the U.K.
About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly.
—Source: Funny in the U.K.
Fortune-Teller Fumble
A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: “Do everything your boss says.”
—Source: Funny in Korea Survey
A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how...
The Impatient Flea
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, “I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!”
—Source: Funny in Brazil Survey
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah’s Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She...
Woman with Arms Held
—Source: Times of India
—Source: Times of India
Talk Stupid to Me
Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly"
—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune
Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly"
—Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune
Workplace Stress
Warehouse Worker Packing Stress Balls Punched His Boss in Face
—Source: Mirror
Warehouse Worker Packing Stress Balls Punched His Boss in Face
—Source: Mirror
Hire Boyz II Men
Vladimir Putin Hires Boyz II Men to Boost the Russian Birth Rate
—Source: Daily Mail
Vladimir Putin Hires Boyz II Men to Boost the Russian Birth Rate
—Source: Daily Mail
Torrington Police Search for Jesus
—Source: Hartford Courant
—Source: Hartford Courant
Suspected Beer Thief Leaves Liquid Trail
—Source: Charleston Daily Mail
—Source: Charleston Daily Mail
Stylish but Illegal Monkey Found Roaming Toronto IKEA
—Source: The Globe and Mail
—Source: The Globe and Mail
Study: Rich More Likely to Take Candy from Babies
Source: Washington Post
Source: Washington Post
Statistics Show….
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
—Source: New York Post
Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25
—Source: New York Post
Spay/Neuter Clinic for Low-Income Residents
—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal
—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal
Sun Is Too Round, Say Scientists
—Source: The Independent
—Source: The Independent
Puerto Rican Teen Named Mistress of the Universe
—Source: Associated Press
—Source: Associated Press
Police Charge One-Armed Man with Unarmed Robbery
—Source: Masslive.com
—Source: Masslive.com
Police Arrest Naked Man with Concealed Weapon
—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY
—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY
All-You-Can-Eat?
Pair Banned from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Eating Too Much
—Source: Telegraph
Pair Banned from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Eating Too Much
—Source: Telegraph
One-Armed Man Applauds the Kindness of Strangers
—Source: Tulsa World
—Source: Tulsa World
Unicorn Lair
North Korean Historical Institute Declares It Has Discovered Unicorn Lair Belonging to Founder of Ancient Kingdom
—Source: Daily Mail
North Korean Historical Institute Declares It Has Discovered Unicorn Lair Belonging to Founder of Ancient Kingdom
—Source: Daily Mail
Motorcyle Deaths Drop, but Trend Is Worrisome
—Source: Yahoo.com
—Source: Yahoo.com
Call the Search Party
Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
—Source: Toronto Sun
Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself
—Source: Toronto Sun
Man Sues Wife for Being Ugly … and Wins
—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland
—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland
Man Married, Sentenced on Same Day
—Source: The Miami Herald
—Source: The Miami Herald
Man Executed After Long Speech
—Source: Boston Globe
—Source: Boston Globe