Knock! Knock! Who's there? Otto. Otto who? Otto know what's taking you so long!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you gonna open the door?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah any place I can get a bite to eat?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Needle. Needle who? Needle little help gettin' in the door.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Nana. Nana who? Nana your business who's there.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Luke. Luke who? Luke through the keyhole to see!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in already!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ketchup. Ketchup who? Ketchup with me and I'll tell you!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Justin. Justin who? Justin the neighborhood and thought I'd come over.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabelle. Isabelle who? Isabelle working, or should I keep knocking?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? H. H who? Bless you!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Goat. Goat who? Goat to the door to see who's knocking!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Dozen. Dozen who? Dozen anyone want to let me in?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes a nice place you got here.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Claire. Claire who? Claire the way; I'm coming in!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Cash. Cash who? I didn't realize you were some kind of nut!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Canoe. Canoe who? Canoe open the door?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo hoo. Boo hoo who? Aww, don't cry—it's just a joke.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ben. Ben who? Ben knocking for 20 minutes!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Avenue. Avenue who? Avenue knocked on this door before?

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Alpaca. Alpaca who? Alpaca the suitcase, you load up the car!

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? —George Carlin

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. —Jim Carrey

Any kid'll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime. —Red Skeleton

According to most studies, people's No. 1 fear is public speaking. No. 2 is death. Death is No. 2. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. —Jerry Seinfeld

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. —Steve Martin

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries.And a second later, you're like, "Damn, I could have had a car." —Marc Maron

You don't pay taxes—they take taxes. —Chris Rock

Whoever said “It’s not whether you win or lose that counts” probably lost. —Martina Navratilova

When they said to you at graduation “follow your dreams,” did anybody say you had to wake up first? —Bill Cosby

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works. —Hannibal Buress

When in doubt, look intelligent. —Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days. —Garrison Keillor

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. —Mindy Kaling

The worst-tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. —David Letterman

The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook. —Julia Child

The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself. —Louis C.K.

The Internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. —Jon Stewart

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach. —Chris Rock

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas. —Paula Poundstone

A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the first word you thought of. —Burt Bacharach

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime. —Josh Hodgman

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age. —Robert Frost

About a month before my grandfather died, my grandmother covered his back with lard. After that, he went downhill very quickly. —Source: Funny in the U.K.

A fortune-teller advised me, “Do everything your boss says.” Sage advice, I thought, as I was working on an important project. As if I needed more proof of just how good the psychic was, that night, as I read the newspaper, I noticed my horoscope: “Do everything your boss says.” —Source: Funny in Korea Survey

Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah's Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, “I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!” —Source: Funny in Brazil Survey

—Source: Times of India

Wisconsin Woman Takes Husband to Police for "Talking Stupidly" —Source: La Crosse (Wisconsin) Tribune

Warehouse Worker Packing Stress Balls Punched His Boss in Face —Source: Mirror

Vladimir Putin Hires Boyz II Men to Boost the Russian Birth Rate —Source: Daily Mail

—Source: Hartford Courant

—Source: Charleston Daily Mail

—Source: The Globe and Mail

Source: Washington Post

Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25 —Source: New York Post

—Source: (Lewiston, Maine) Sun Journal

—Source: The Independent

—Source: Associated Press

—Source: Masslive.com

—Source: MSNBC.com; contributed by Linda Fabbri, Corbin, KY

Pair Banned from All-You-Can-Eat Restaurant for Eating Too Much —Source: Telegraph

—Source: Tulsa World

North Korean Historical Institute Declares It Has Discovered Unicorn Lair Belonging to Founder of Ancient Kingdom —Source: Daily Mail

—Source: Yahoo.com

Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself —Source: Toronto Sun

—Source: Fox 8 Cleveland

—Source: The Miami Herald

—Source: Boston Globe