An aye for an aye makes the whole world pirates.
—Brandon Specktor
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Romance, Defined
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
—Kristen Schaal
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
—Kristen Schaal
Freudian Slip
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
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A Feminist Jumps Out of a Manhole
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that.
—Bill Bailey
A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that.
—Bill Bailey
I Always Wanted to Be Somebody
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
Carmen
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Carmen.
Carmen who?
Carmen let me in already!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Carmen.
Carmen who?
Carmen let me in already!
Better Than His Ghoul-Cousin…
Q: Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Q: Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom?
A: His ghoulfriend.
Muy Picante
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business!
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeño business!
“Wait, What Time Is It??”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped.
—Lena Dunham
Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped.
—Lena Dunham
What’s Your Beef?
My grandfather is a meat and potatoes guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak.”
Hayley Rosenbaugh, Houston, Texas
My grandfather is a meat and potatoes guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn...
Gimme a White Russian, Hold The Russian.
At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked.
“It’s delicious!” said my daughter.
Her aunt shrugged. “Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.”
Nichole Vikdal, Yucca Valley, California
At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked. “It’s delicious!” said my...
Coming Down
Our Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over.
“Some do,” he said. “I call that natural selection.”
Allison Johnson, Ventura, California
Our Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over. “Some do,” he said. “I call that natural selection.” Allison Johnson, Ventura,...
That Reminds Me of a Joke (Counterfeit Edition)
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill.
Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts)
Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks.
“Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?”
Source: propilots.org
Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill. Source:...
A Visionary Question…
The traffic light near my street buzzes when it’s safe to cross the road. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for.
“It tells blind people when the light is red,” I said.
She was appalled: “What are blind people doing driving?”
Gloria Wilding, Great Britain
The traffic light near my street buzzes when it’s safe to cross the road. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for. “It tells blind people when...
Flower Therapy
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying.
“Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.”
Art Flagel, Benton Harbor, Michigan
“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was...
What’s the 311?
In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city's 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did.
"Who won American Idol?"
"Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?"
"Can I claim my dog on my income tax?"
Source: New York Magazine
In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city’s 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. “Who won...
Basic flying rules:
Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go
near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space.
It
is much more difficult to fly there.
Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground,...
GPS, Don’t Fail Me Now!
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot
You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.
Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot
That Weekend is Killer…
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.
Thanks, I Think
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, "I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone."
Lois Henry, Farmington, Maine
I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, "I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone."
Lois Henry, Farmington, Maine
Prove It!
Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers.
Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of...
Customer: Is this a recording?
Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to...
Customer: I don’t believe you!
From somethingawful.com
Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers. Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of… Customer: Is this a recording? Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I...
How Not to Get Hired
Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates:
“Can my husband finish the test for me?”
“Would you consider going on a date with me?”
“Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?”
“Do I have to be at work every day?”
From a study by the staffing firm OfficeTeam
Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates: “Can my husband finish the test for me?” “Would you consider going on...
We All KEA!
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift.
I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.”
Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada
My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked...
Just Turn Them Over…
A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him an odd look and said, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.”
From gcfl.net
A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him an odd look...
Definition, Please?
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete.
“No, I’m not,” I assured him.
“Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked.
“Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.”
Lynn Ahlgrim-Delzell,Mount Holly, North Carolina
During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a...
The Age-Old Question
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never
stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute,
a voice from the back interrupted us.
“So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?”
Anahita Hashemi, Stamford, Connecticut
Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, a voice from the back interrupted us. “So,”...
Tooth or Consequences
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.
“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”
Jennifer Sloetjes, Fort McMurray, Canada
After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door. “It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked. “Yes,” he...
Gift of The Magi?
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
Anthony Jeselnik
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade...
The Oy of Giving
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned.
“What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?”
Jennifer Pauly, Croton-on-Hudson, New York
A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected...
Found Him!
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo.”
—Where’s Waldo audiobook
@jasonmustian
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo.”
—Where’s Waldo audiobook
@jasonmustian
Bear-ittos, Anyone?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
@longwall26
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
@longwall26
Cat Appetites
They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
@JohnFugelsang
They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want.
@JohnFugelsang
First Step’s A Doozy
Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.
“What happened to you?” his boss asked.
“I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike said.
His boss was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?”
Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. “What happened to you?” his boss asked. “I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike...
The Truth About Santa
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in.
James Knowles, on topfive.com
I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in. James Knowles, on...
A Particular Problem
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything.
Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
Safari, So Good
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back.
“Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter.
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down.
Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?”
The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.”
Submitted by Ed Thompson, North Salem, New York
Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles...
Cross-eyed Conversation
What did one eye say to the other?
"Don't look now, but something between us smells."
What did one eye say to the other?
"Don't look now, but something between us smells."
An Equation for Disaster
Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?
Because you should never drink and derive.
Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?
Because you should never drink and derive.
Old McDonald had a Fraction
Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?
Swine and cowswine.
Which trigonometric functions do farmers like?
Swine and cowswine.
Convex
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Convex.
Convex who?
Convex go to prison!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Convex.
Convex who?
Convex go to prison!
Punster’s Theorem
Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"
Student: "Ten Q."
Teacher: "You're welcome."
Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?"
Student: "Ten Q."
Teacher: "You're welcome."
New Generation
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that...
‘Tis The Season…Isn’t It?
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also
go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also
go in mid-December.
— Louis C.K.
Better Late Than Never
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”
After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then...
Cannibal Humor
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
Diet: Day Two
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.
—Jackie Gleason
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it.
—Jackie Gleason
Doctor’s Orders
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window."
"What will that do?" asks the patient.
The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
—Jack Benny
The doctor says to the patient, “Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window.” “What will that do?” asks the patient. The doctor says, “I’m mad at...
It Came Back to Haunt Him
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
—Johnny Carson
Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
—Johnny Carson
A Diamond Key
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
—Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
—Joan Rivers
Man’s Best Friend
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
Hunting Trip Gone Wrong
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone.
"OK," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, “My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?” A soothing...
A Study in Contrasts
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
—Jim Eason
If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people.
—Jim Eason
Why Marriage is Difficult
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
—Richard Pryor
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers.
—Richard Pryor
Likely Not Far
Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.
16 Feet Later
You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh, about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around three miles."
—Jerry Seinfeld
You can measure distance by time. “How far away is it?” “Oh, about 20 minutes.” But it doesn’t work the other way. “When do you get off work?” “Around three...
Simplicity is Best
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
—Johnny Carson
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
—Johnny Carson
Don’t Mess With Grandma
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
—Rita Rudner
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
—Rita Rudner
Give Them a Chance First
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.
—Rodney Dangerfield
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet.
—Rodney Dangerfield
It Was a Long Game
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
—Bob Hope
I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead.
—Bob Hope
I Like a Woman With…
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
—Steve Martin
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
—Steve Martin
To Grandmother’s House We Go
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
—Rita Rudner
I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
—Rita Rudner
I Hate Housework
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
—Joan Rivers
I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
—Joan Rivers
The Cat Bath
I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ...
—Steve Martin
I gave my cat a bath the other day … they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to...
I Don’t Get No Respect
I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?"
—Rodney Dangerfield
I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?"
—Rodney Dangerfield
When Life Hands You Lemons…
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
—Ron White
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
—Ron White
The Young and the Restful
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
—Bill Cosby
A Culinary Adventure
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
—Henny Youngman
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
—Henny Youngman
Trouble Remembering
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.
—Fred Allen
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is.
—Fred Allen
Cross Country Trip
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami."
She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
—Jack Benny
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.” She said, “We...
Growing Pains
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
—George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
—George Burns
You Don’t Say?
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” A decade later, it’s the big day. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance....
Ya
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
I'm excited to see you too!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ya.
Ya who?
I'm excited to see you too!
Sherlock
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sherlock.
Sherlock who?
Sherlock your door shut tight.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sherlock.
Sherlock who?
Sherlock your door shut tight.