A feminist jumps out of a manhole … oh, and she didn't like that. —Bill Bailey

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Carmen. Carmen who? Carmen let me in already!

Q: Who did Frankenstein's monster bring to prom? A: His ghoulfriend.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeño business!

Hell hath no fury like a woman who has accidentally napped. —Lena Dunham

My grandfather is a meat and potatoes guy. Once, while getting dinner ready, I asked how he liked his vegetables prepared. He said, “Fed to a cow, so they’ll turn into steak.” Hayley Rosenbaugh, Houston, Texas

At an all-you-can-eat buffet, my nine-year-old was excited to find a chocolate milk machine. But her aunt did not approve. “Chocolate milk for dinner?” she asked. “It’s delicious!” said my daughter. Her aunt shrugged. “Well, its 8 a.m. somewhere.” Nichole Vikdal, Yucca Valley, California


Our Grand Canyon guide was asked if people ever get too close to the edge and fall over. “Some do,” he said. “I call that natural selection.” 
Allison Johnson, Ventura, California

Here’s the news: A Rhode Island man was arrested for passing a counterfeit $100 bill. What gave him away? Lincoln’s face: It’s supposed to be on the $5 bill. Source: Sun Chronicle (Attleboro, Massachusetts) Here’s the laugh: A counterfeiter drives to a small town, enters a store, and hands the rube behind the counter an $18 bill. “Mind making change?” he asks. “Sure,” says the clerk. “Ya want two nines or three sixes?” Source: propilots.org

The traffic light near my street buzzes when it’s safe to cross the road. Recently, a friend of mine asked what the buzzer was for. “It tells blind people when the light is red,” I said. She was appalled: “What are blind people doing driving?” Gloria Wilding, Great Britain

“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s that mad at me.” Art Flagel, Benton Harbor, Michigan

In New York City, if you have a complaint or a question, dial the city's 311 hotline and you might get it solved. We doubt these callers did. "Who won American Idol?" "Can you check to see if my boyfriend is married?" "Can I claim my dog on my income tax?" Source: New York Magazine

Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go 
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the 
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It 
is much more difficult to fly there.

You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3. Paul F. Crickmore, test pilot

Headline from the Times Herald-Record (Newburgh, New York): West Point Cadets Train for Life in Iraq with Weekend in N.J.

I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, "I always liked you. You never had favorites. You were mean to everyone." Lois Henry, Farmington, Maine

Scene: Me at our auto dealership, cold-calling customers. Me: Hi, I’m calling on behalf of... Customer: Is this a recording? Me: No, I am not a recording, sir. May I please speak to... Customer: I don’t believe you! From somethingawful.com

Going in for a job interview? Don’t mess it up with questions like these from real candidates: “Can my husband finish the test for me?” “Would you consider going on a date with me?” “Can I place my desk near the cafeteria?” “Do I have to be at work every day?” From a study by the staffing firm OfficeTeam

My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said, “Assembly required.” Jim Mercer, Delta, Canada

A woman went into my father’s insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she’d ever had any trouble telling them apart. She gave him an odd look and said, “No, I haven’t had any problem. This is Benjamin, and this is Elizabeth.” From gcfl.net

During graduate school, I tutored a football player in Psychology 101. After the session, my supervising professor asked me if I was interested in the student, since he was a good-looking athlete. “No, I’m not,” I assured him. “Yeah, you probably prefer men who eat quiche,” he joked. “Actually, I prefer men who can spell quiche.” Lynn Ahlgrim-Delzell,Mount Holly, North Carolina

Eight fellow accountants and I got into the elevator at work, never 
stopping our discussions about an upcoming meeting. After a minute, 
a voice from the back interrupted us. “So,” a man said, “how many accountants does it take to press the elevator button?” Anahita Hashemi, Stamford, Connecticut

After cleaning my five-year-old patient’s teeth, I accompanied him to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door. “It’s heavy, isn’t it?” I asked. “Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?” Jennifer Sloetjes, Fort McMurray, Canada

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. Anthony Jeselnik

A mother gave her grown son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, he made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she frowned. “What’s the matter?” she asked. “You didn’t like the other one?” Jennifer Pauly, Croton-on-Hudson, New York

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo.” 
—Where’s Waldo audiobook 
@jasonmustian

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world. @longwall26

They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want. @JohnFugelsang

Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. “What happened to you?” his boss asked. “I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike said. His boss was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?”

I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning. That way, I get to sleep in. James Knowles, on topfive.com

You just can’t trust atoms—they make up everything. Submitted by Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

Two hunters fly to Kenya, where they bag six gazelles. As the crew 
is loading the small plane to return, the pilot says the aircraft can take only four gazelles back. “Last time, the pilot let us take all six, and he had the same plane as yours,” argues the first hunter. Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and takes off. But the little plane is too heavy, and it goes down. Climbing out of the wreckage, the second hunter turns to the other. “Any idea where we are?” The first replies, “I’d say we’re pretty close to where we crashed last time.” Submitted by Ed Thompson, North Salem, New York

What did one eye say to the other? "Don't look now, but something between us smells."

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus? Because you should never drink and derive.

Which trigonometric functions do farmers like? Swine and cowswine.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Convex. Convex who? Convex go to prison!

Algebra teacher: "What is seven Q plus three Q?" Student: "Ten Q." Teacher: "You're welcome."

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also 
go in mid-December. — Louis C.K.

After waiting two hours for her date, Sarah concluded she’d been stood up. So she changed into pajamas, made some popcorn, and flopped down in front of the TV. Then the doorbell rang—it was her date. He took one look at Sarah and gasped. “You’re still not ready?”

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off it. —Jackie Gleason

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window." "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" —Jack Benny

Some sad news from Australia … the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today. —Johnny Carson

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. —Joan Rivers

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. —Groucho Marx

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?" A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead." After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "OK," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old, fat people. —Jim Eason

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. —Richard Pryor

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog? A: Right where you left him.

You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh, about 20 minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?" "Around three miles." —Jerry Seinfeld

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. —Johnny Carson

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. —Rita Rudner

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous—everyone hasn't met me yet. —Rodney Dangerfield

I set out to play golf with the intention of shooting my age, but I shot my weight instead. —Bob Hope

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. —Steve Martin

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. —Rita Rudner

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. —Joan Rivers

I gave my cat a bath the other day ... they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, and it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that ... —Steve Martin

I don't get no respect from anyone. I bought some rat poison, the girl asked me, "Should I wrap it up or are you gonna eat it here?" —Rodney Dangerfield

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. —Ron White

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home. —Bill Cosby

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" —Henny Youngman

I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and—I can't remember what the third thing is. —Fred Allen

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" —Jack Benny

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. —George Burns

Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.” Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.” A decade later, it’s the big day. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.” “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ya. Ya who? I'm excited to see you too!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Sherlock. Sherlock who? Sherlock your door shut tight.