Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before. Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois

“Those frames are so flattering,” 
I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them. “They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself in the mirror. “Can you see better?” “Yeah, I can see better.” “So what’s wrong?” “Well, for one thing,” she said, 
“I thought I was still cute.” Judee Norton, Show Low, Arizona

Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s 
Independence Hall in October. A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to Government Shutdown.”

My nine-year-old and I passed 
a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?” Deb Morris, North Creek, New York

Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.” My daughter replied, “Mom, they’re all in the shade.” Sandra Shea-Crabbe, Tolland, Connecticut

• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon) • 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors    (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota) • Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia) • Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI 
Suspension (Chicago Tribune) • Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)

A neighbor’s 44-year-old sister was pregnant with twins. When 
her niece asked if she knew the genders, she said, “No. I want it to be a surprise.” “You’re 44 and having twins,” said her niece. “How much more surprise do you need in your life?” Jim Grant, Twinsburg, Ohio

When my husband’s friend gave his order at a fast-food restaurant, the cashier asked for his name. “It’s Stephen, with a ph,” he said. Soon after, he was handed his 
order and a receipt, which had his name on it: Phteven. Wendy Dewberry, Pell City, Alabama

Our business relies heavily on abbreviations. For example, I called a customer the other day. Reading from my printout, I asked, “Are you still a fun director?” After a pause, he replied, “I’m a funeral director.” Susan Ladd, Coatesville, Pennsylvania

I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again. —@9to5Life

One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on his quizzes, and I get only ten out of four.” Noelle Bidwell, North Battleford, Canada

Doing your best not to join 
the workforce? Just act like these job seekers did while meeting hiring managers: • Candidate said he had to quit a banking job because he was always tempted to steal. • Candidate said he didn’t want the job if he had to work a lot. • Candidate called his wife to see what they were having for dinner. • Candidate emptied the employer’s candy dish into her pocket. • Candidate wouldn’t answer a question because he thought the company would steal his idea and not hire him. From careerbuilder.com

From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial, 
it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose yourself in front of everyone!” Yvonne Mikalopas, North Brunswick, New Jersey

Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor. Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their 
lawyers that you are responsible 
for my patients’ deaths because 
I couldn’t be reached. Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician. From overheardintheoffice.com

If you’re a freelance graphic designer, the only thing worse than no clients might be these clients: “You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t have the ability to do them ourselves?” “Make everything bold so it all stands out.” “OK, the project has been approved, unless our client wants changes. In that case, it’s not approved.” From clientsfromhell.net

Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan 
of the expression “The worst day 
of fishing is better than the 
best day at work.” “I’ve watched The Deadliest 
Catch on Discovery,” 
he said. “I’ve never once 
been at work, capsized in 
40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”

A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!” “Now, calm down,” says his 
father-in-law. “There must be a 
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”

A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in 
my gold Mercedes because all my 
teachers travel by subway.” A few minutes later, his dad writes back: “Stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a subway too!”

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living. —Comedian John McDowell

Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in 
a woody allen movie.” She got this 
response from Mia Farrow: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”

Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it? L.A. Overconfidential There Will Be Blood Tests Needlejuiced Goon with the Schwinn —From topfive.com

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it. —@RickCouchman

Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses. —@Leemanish

"The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is." —Jimmy Fallon

A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in Wisconsin.” Will lets out a sigh of relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” he says. “I was just telling my wife this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ho-ho. Ho-ho who? You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Hanna. Hanna who? ...Hanna partridge in a pear tree!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mary and Abbey. Mary and Abbey who? Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a Merry Christmas!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Santa. Santa who? Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Snow. Snow who? Snow use. I forgot my name again!

If men have a smell, it's usually an accident. —Jeff Foxworthy

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it. —George Carlin

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. —Woody Allen

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. —Steven Wright

If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut. —Lewis Black

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. —Stephen Colbert

If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets. —Mel Brooks

I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. —Mitch Hedberg

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything. —Steven Wright

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me. —Rob Delaney

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. —George Carlin

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." —Mitch Hedberg

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself. —Hannibal Buress

I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception. —Groucho Marx

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. —Fred Allen

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. —Mitch Hedberg

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. —Steven Wright

I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific. —Lily Tomlin

Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet? A: Because they are rain deer.

Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school? That's right—he was elf taught.

Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole? A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping? A: Santa Jaws!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad? A: A pineapple.

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Gee, I'll never part with it!

What does December have that other months don't have?

The letter D.

Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol? A: Jungle Bells.

Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"? A: Because there was Noël.

Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke? A: This one'll sleigh you!

Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Yule log. Yule log who? Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"? —Jay Leno

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. —Jerry Seinfeld

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. —Jack Benny

Equations are the devil's sentences. —Stephen Colbert

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. —George Carlin

Clones are people two.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted? —Zach Galifianakis

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson