A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
—Emo Philips
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Did It Even have Twitter??
I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?”
My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to her: “Wait, where did you store
your contacts?”
Tara Price, Leesburg, Georgia
I was showing my kids an old rotary phone when my nine-year-old asked, “How did you text on it?” My 15-year-old daughter roared with laughter, until a thought occurred to...
A Reluctant Adopter
My grandmother called to tell me she’d gotten an e-mail account. “Great,” I said. “Send me a message so I’ll have your e-mail address.” I waited and waited, but she never sent it. Several days later, an envelope arrived—Grandma had written her info on a piece of paper and mailed it to me.
Meagan Lundgren, Calgary, Ontario
My grandmother called to tell me she’d gotten an e-mail account. “Great,” I said. “Send me a message so I’ll have your e-mail address.” I waited and waited, but she...
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
SEE ALL CATEGORIES
A Mother’s Lament
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois
Whoever said not to cry over spilled milk has obviously never had to pump before.
Vanessa Marchal, Marion, Illinois
The Perils of Vision
“Those frames are so flattering,”
I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them.
“They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself in the mirror.
“Can you see better?”
“Yeah, I can see better.”
“So what’s wrong?”
“Well, for one thing,” she said,
“I thought I was still cute.”
Judee Norton, Show Low, Arizona
“Those frames are so flattering,” I assured my sister. She’d just gotten new glasses after 25 years and wasn’t happy with them. “They’re OK,” she said, staring gloomily at herself...
You Don’t have to Go Home, but You Can’t Govern Here
Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s
Independence Hall in October.
A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to Government Shutdown.”
Disharmony in Washington, D.C., proved a hassle for Philadelphia’s Independence Hall in October. A sign outside read “The Great Debates Program, ‘Is American Politics Broken?’ has been relocated due to...
What a Waste of Time
My nine-year-old and I passed
a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.”
He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?”
Deb Morris, North Creek, New York
My nine-year-old and I passed a store with a sign that read “Watch Batteries Installed—$5.” He seemed confused: “Who would pay to watch batteries installed?” Deb Morris, North Creek, New...
A Shady Place
Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees.
“How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a great spot here in the shade.”
My daughter replied, “Mom, they’re all in the shade.”
Sandra Shea-Crabbe, Tolland, Connecticut
Shortly after my grandmother passed away, I took my daughter to her grave site, which was located beside a row of pine trees. “How nice,” I said. “Grandma has a...
Headlines around America
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon)
• 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota)
• Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances Pregnancy Chances (Winchester Star, Virginia)
• Police: DUI Charge for Woman Celebrating End of Earlier DUI
Suspension (Chicago Tribune)
• Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons (Tulsa World, Oklahoma)
• County to Pay $250,000 to Advertise Lack of Funds (Register-Guard, Eugene, Oregon) • 4-H Training Scheduled for Shooting Instructors (Pine City Pioneer, Minnesota) • Study Shows Frequent Sex Enhances...
Double Jeopardy
A neighbor’s 44-year-old sister was pregnant with twins. When
her niece asked if she knew the genders, she said, “No. I want it to be a surprise.”
“You’re 44 and having twins,” said her niece. “How much more surprise do you need in your life?”
Jim Grant, Twinsburg, Ohio
A neighbor’s 44-year-old sister was pregnant with twins. When her niece asked if she knew the genders, she said, “No. I want it to be a surprise.” “You’re 44 and...
Phthanks for Trying.
When my husband’s friend gave his order at a fast-food restaurant, the cashier asked for his name.
“It’s Stephen, with a ph,” he said.
Soon after, he was handed his
order and a receipt, which had his name on it: Phteven.
Wendy Dewberry, Pell City, Alabama
When my husband’s friend gave his order at a fast-food restaurant, the cashier asked for his name. “It’s Stephen, with a ph,” he said. Soon after, he was handed his...
A Grave Error
Our business relies heavily on abbreviations. For example, I called a customer the other day. Reading from my printout, I asked, “Are you still a fun director?”
After a pause, he replied, “I’m a funeral director.”
Susan Ladd, Coatesville, Pennsylvania
Our business relies heavily on abbreviations. For example, I called a customer the other day. Reading from my printout, I asked, “Are you still a fun director?” After a pause,...
Tip from an Office Drone
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
—@9to5Life
I just set my e-mail’s auto-response to ‘I’m looking into this now. I’ll let you know.’ I literally never have to respond to e-mails again.
—@9to5Life
Fraction Infraction
One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on his quizzes, and I get only ten out of four.”
Noelle Bidwell, North Battleford, Canada
One of my fourth-grade students told me he had trouble with math. His explanation summed it up well: “The guy next to me always gets ten out of ten on...
Job Candi-dolts
Doing your best not to join
the workforce? Just act like these job seekers did while meeting hiring managers:
• Candidate said he had to quit a banking job because he was always tempted to steal.
• Candidate said he didn’t want the job if he had to work a lot.
• Candidate called his wife to see what they were having for dinner.
• Candidate emptied the employer’s candy dish into her pocket.
• Candidate wouldn’t answer a question because he thought the company would steal his idea and not hire him.
From careerbuilder.com
Doing your best not to join the workforce? Just act like these job seekers did while meeting hiring managers: • Candidate said he had to quit a banking job because...
Security to Aisle Three…
From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial,
it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose yourself in front of everyone!”
Yvonne Mikalopas, North Brunswick, New Jersey
From an ad for an acting job: “When we finish the commercial, it will be shown on screens in over 200 supermarkets. It’s a great opportunity for you to expose...
Smooth Operator
Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor.
Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their
lawyers that you are responsible
for my patients’ deaths because
I couldn’t be reached.
Operator: Sir, if you are expecting your patients to die, perhaps they should switch to a different physician.
From overheardintheoffice.com
Scene: A call-center operator on the phone with a doctor. Doctor: If you don’t turn my cell phone back on today, I’ll tell the families of my patients and their...
Things Could Get Graphic
If you’re a freelance graphic designer, the only thing worse than no clients might be these clients:
“You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t have the ability to do them ourselves?”
“Make everything bold so it all stands out.”
“OK, the project has been approved, unless our client wants changes. In that case, it’s not approved.”
From clientsfromhell.net
If you’re a freelance graphic designer, the only thing worse than no clients might be these clients: “You think it’s right to charge us for things just because we don’t...
Teach A Man to Kvetch…
Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan
of the expression “The worst day
of fishing is better than the
best day at work.”
“I’ve watched The Deadliest
Catch on Discovery,”
he said. “I’ve never once
been at work, capsized in
40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die, and been like, ‘Hey, at least we’re fishin’.’”
Comedian Daniel Tosh is no fan of the expression “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.” “I’ve watched The Deadliest Catch on Discovery,” he...
A Failure to Communicate
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”
“Now, calm down,” says his
father-in-law. “There must be a
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”
A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags. “What’s wrong?” he asks. “I texted my wife that I was coming home today...
The Sorry Saudi
A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in
my gold Mercedes because all my
teachers travel by subway.”
A few minutes later, his dad writes back: “Stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a subway too!”
A Saudi prince goes to America to study. A month later, he e-mails his father: “New York is wonderful, but I’m ashamed to go to school in my gold Mercedes...
Words Save Lives
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.
—Comedian John McDowell
It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living. —Comedian John...
Too Close for Comfort
Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in
a woody allen movie.”
She got this
response from Mia Farrow: “Tried that. Didn’t work.”
Sarah Silverman tweeted, “When ur relatives drive you crazy just close your eyes & pretend it’s dialogue in a woody allen movie.” She got this response from Mia Farrow: “Tried...
Lampooning Lance
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it?
L.A. Overconfidential
There Will Be Blood Tests
Needlejuiced
Goon with the Schwinn
—From topfive.com
Two Hollywood studios want to bring Lance Armstrong’s fuel-injected story to the big screen. What should they call it? L.A. Overconfidential There Will Be Blood Tests Needlejuiced Goon with the...
The Road to Recovery
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
—@RickCouchman
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
—@RickCouchman
Hut Glut
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
—@Leemanish
Sick of having to go to two different huts to buy pizza and sunglasses.
—@Leemanish
New York Strait of Mind
"The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test. But on the bright side, they’re too bad at math to realize how bad that is."
—Jimmy Fallon
“The New York City Department of Education says that only 26 percent of the city’s students in grades three through eight passed the English portion on a recent standardized test....
Hope You Like Cheese!
A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in Wisconsin.”
Will lets out a sigh of relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time,” he says. “I was just telling my wife this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”
A surveyor drops by Will’s farm in eastern Minnesota and announces that he has some bad news. “I discovered that your farm isn’t in Minnesota,” he says. “It’s actually in...
Ho-ho who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ho-ho.
Ho-ho who?
You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.
Hanna who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
...Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
...Hanna partridge in a pear tree!
Mary and Abbey who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mary and Abbey.
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mary and Abbey.
Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
Irish who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Santa who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Santa.
Santa who?
Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Santa.
Santa who?
Santa email reminding you I’d be here, and you STILL make me wait in the cold!
Snow who?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
If Men Have a Smell…
If men have a smell, it's usually an accident.
—Jeff Foxworthy
If men have a smell, it's usually an accident.
—Jeff Foxworthy
The Meaning of Life
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
—George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
—George Carlin
It’s Not That I’m Afraid to Die…
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
—Woody Allen
It’s Not That Small
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
—Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
—Steven Wright
If You Stop Eating Doughnuts…
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut.
—Lewis Black
If you stop eating doughnuts you will live three years longer, but it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut.
—Lewis Black
Founding Fallacy
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
—Stephen Colbert
If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
—Stephen Colbert
If God Wanted us to Fly…
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
A Little Levity
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.
I'm reading a great book about antigravity—I just can't put it down.
Picketing Problem
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
—Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
—Mitch Hedberg
The Beauty of the Dictionary
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
—Steven Wright
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
—Steven Wright
Why Babies Cry on Planes
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.
—Rob Delaney
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks, and babies aren’t liars like you and me.
—Rob Delaney
Philosophy Lesson
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
—George Carlin
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
—George Carlin
I Saw a Wino…
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
—Mitch Hedberg
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
—Mitch Hedberg
I Never Use A Napkin…
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself.
—Hannibal Buress
I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant … because I believe in myself.
—Hannibal Buress
I Never Forget a Face…
I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
I never forget a face—but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.
—Groucho Marx
Why I Like Long Walks
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
—Fred Allen
I Haven’t Slept…
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
—Mitch Hedberg
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
—Mitch Hedberg
What a Ripoff
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
—Steven Wright
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
—Steven Wright
I Always Wanted…
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
I always wanted to be somebody, but I guess I should've been more specific.
—Lily Tomlin
No Umbrellas at the North Pole?
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Q: Why are Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen always wet?
A: Because they are rain deer.
Reindeer Lessons
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That's right—he was elf taught.
Did you hear that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer never went to school?
That's right—he was elf taught.
Green Thumb?
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: Why does Santa have three garden plots up at the North Pole?
A: That way he can hoe, hoe, hoe!
Great White Christmas
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: Who delivers Christmas presents to good little sharks when they're sleeping?
A: Santa Jaws!
Oh, iGet It
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Comb On!
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I'll never part with it!
Gee, I'll never part with it!
What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?
Gee, I'll never part with it!
Gee, I'll never part with it!
What Does December Have…
What does December have that other months don't have?
The letter D.
The letter D.
What does December have that other months don't have?
The letter D.
The letter D.
Laughing All the Way!
Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Q: What is a lion's favorite Christmas carol?
A: Jungle Bells.
Kids Say the Darnedest Things
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"?
A: Because there was Noël.
Q: Why did the children call St. Nick "Santa Caus"?
A: Because there was Noël.
Open Mic Night at the North Pole
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one'll sleigh you!
Q: What did the reindeer say before telling his joke?
A: This one'll sleigh you!
Christmas in Eden
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Q: What did Adam say the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
Yule Log
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Yule log.
Yule log who?
Yule log the door after you let me in, won't you?
Psychics Down On Their Luck?
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
—Jay Leno
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
—Jay Leno
The Beauty of a Bookstore
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
—Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
—Jerry Seinfeld
Give Me Golf Clubs…
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
—Jack Benny
Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
—Jack Benny
So Math=The Devil
Equations are the devil's sentences.
—Stephen Colbert
Equations are the devil's sentences.
—Stephen Colbert
Don’t Sweat the Petty Things
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
—George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
—George Carlin
Clones
Clones are people two.
Clones are people two.
Highway Adoption
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
—Zach Galifianakis
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
—Zach Galifianakis
In Defense of Football
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
—Craig Ferguson