Q: Where is the ocean the deepest? A: On the bottom!

Q: What do you break before you use it? A: An egg!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Wanda
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me right now?

Q: A man rode in to town on Tuesday, and left two days later on Tuesday. How so? A: His horse is named Tuesday!

Q: Why is the letter A the most like a flower? A: Because the B is after it.

Q: What are two things you wouldn't eat after waking up? A: Lunch and dinner.

Q: Why did the boy throw a bucket out the window? A: He wanted to see the waterfall. Q: Why did the boy throw butter out the window? A: He wanted to see the butterfly. Q: Why did the boy throw his watch out the window? A: He wanted to see time fly.

Q: Which is the most curious letter? A: Y?

Q: What did zero say to eight? A: Nice belt.

Q: What do pandas have that no other animal has? A: Baby pandas!

Q: Why can’t someone living in Maine be buried in Florida? A: Because he’s still living!

Q: Which month has 28 days? A: All of them, silly!

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has thousands of letters? A: The Post Office!

Q: What kind of cheese is made backwards? A: Edam.

Q: What word begins and ends with an E, but only has one letter? A: Envelope!

Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short!

Q: Poor people have it. Rich people need it. If you eat it, you'll die. What is it? A: Nothing!

Q: I have a head but no body, a heart but no blood. Just leaves and no branches, I grow without wood. What am I? A: Lettuce!

Q: What do you throw out when you want to use it, but take in when you don't want to use it? A: An anchor.

Q: What only gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel!

Q: What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of? A: Trouble.

Q: A man is pushing his car along, and when he comes to a hotel he shouts, "I'm bankrupt!" Why? A: He’s playing Monopoly.

Q: If a red-house is made of red bricks, has a red wooden door, and a red roof, and a yellow-house is made of yellow bricks, has a yellow wooden door, and a yellow roof, then what is a green-house made of? A: Glass.

Q: What can run, but never walks? Has a mouth, but never talks? Has a head, but never weeps? Has a bed, but never sleeps? A: A river.

Q: The man who made it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What am I talking about? A: A coffin.

Q: This word I know? Six letters it contains. Take away the last .... and only twelve remains. What is the word? A: “Dozens”

Q: Yellow I look and massive I weigh. In the morning I come to brighten your day. What am I? A: A school bus.

Q: I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space. I am essential to creation, and I surround every place. Who am I? A: The letter E.

At this point, the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock 
me is to come out onstage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots. @JennyJohnsonHi5

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight. Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I ate a gluten-free, lactose-free, low-carb pizza for dinner tonight. (It was a raw tomato.) @samir

The armed forces have a language all their own. Here’s our Military-to-English Dictionary: Birth control glasses (BCGs): 
military-issued eyeglasses noted for their unappealing appearance. Gone Elvis: missing in action. Latrinegram: unfounded rumor. Moo juice: milk. Repeaters: beans and cabbage. Self-loading cargo: passengers on a transport aircraft. Stupid o’clock: ridiculously early in the morning. Volun-told: an “optional” event that one is actually required to attend.

My father was transferred to a new Navy base when I was four, so my parents quizzed me about our address. After I recited it perfectly, the test continued. “City?” they asked. “Memphis,” I answered. “State?” “Tennessee.” “Country?” “ ’Tis of thee.” Jennifer Kirksey, Freedom, California

A police officer pulled over a guy for weaving across two lanes of traffic. He walked up to the driver’s window and asked, “You drinkin’?” The driver said, “You buyin’?”

My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.” Brad Hamer, on ruminate.com

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.” Jim Gaffigan

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?” The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.” “I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few 
seconds, he resurfaces. “You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says. “How can you tell?” “Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”

On February 4, we’ll celebrate ten years of people posting unintentionally funny status updates from their office cubicles when they should be working. Here are some of the crazier ones: • STATUS: My baby boy is officially one year old!!!! Can’t believe it’s already been 656 days!   • STATUS: Craving food I don’t 
have. My first world problem 
this morning. COMMENT: Well, it’s kind of 
a third world problem too.   • STATUS: I think about him 31/7 cause he’s on my mind even when I’m sleeping. COMMENT: There’s still 24 hours in a day when you’re sleeping. STATUS: Wait, huh?   • STATUS: Dear Facebook, Thanks for informing me it’s my wife’s birthday today. Do you know what would be more useful?!?! Some kind of warning system ... i.e., notification that it’s her birthday in a few days! —From lamebook.com

A doctor sent this note to our medical clinic: “Patient needs a 
referral for your office from me. I saw her for her ankle and would like you to run over it.”    —M. P., via e-mail

These office drones know exactly what you’re thinking at work: • No one likes hearing “agree to disagree.” Why don’t we just say, “You’re wrong, but I don’t feel like fighting about it right now”? • Sorry, I don’t listen to lectures on being organized from people with 60 icons on their laptop’s desktop. • Answers to questions asked on the way to the bathroom are not 
legally binding. People will agree to anything in that situation. From meetingboy.com

Supervisor: This project isn’t something we can finish off quickly. It’s like an onion. It has layers that we have to peel away, one by one. Coworker: And it will make us cry a lot.    —notalwaysworking.com

It’s Winter break time, and a lot of people will be traveling. Which means it’s also a great time to be the person who gets to approve visa requests, like these handed in by travelers to England. • “I want to be closer to Elton John. He doesn’t come to Togo. Do you see him much in Britain?” • “Do you know if it’s easier to find a wife in England? I’m struggling here [in Peru].” • “Is everybody friends with the queen?” From globalvisas.com

My cousin once called in sick to work because of a “death in the family.” I was her boss. reddit.com

For much of her bartending shift, my wife had to contend with 
a rowdy customer. At the end of the night, he demanded, “Where’s the bathroom!?” “Go down the hallway, and you’ll see a door marked gentlemen,” she said. “But don’t let that deter you.” —Jason David, Hertfordshire, England

From a church bulletin: “The new parking area looks great. Thanks to the men who turned out Saturday to help with the groveling.” via gcfl.net

Our neighbor brought over a delicious homemade meal, eliciting this comment from my daughter: “No offense, Mom, but Kristi’s dinner makes you look like a really bad mother.” My older daughter quickly jumped to my defense. “Parker, that’s absolutely not true,” she said. “Kristi just makes Mom look like a really bad cook.” —Melissa Maiorano, Cary, North Carolina

Have a date for Valentine’s Day? Hope it doesn’t end up like these 
@FirstDateHell dates. • He couldn’t remember my name, so he asked if I would mind if he just called me Amy instead. • In a restaurant, she said she did a great impression of a fax 
machine. Then she beeped loudly while unraveling a napkin from 
her mouth. • He said, “From your photo, I thought you were too good for me. I’m glad to see you’ve got flaws.” Then he listed them.

It’s easy to get disoriented when visiting New York City. One 
befuddled tourist asked his hotel concierge, “The last time we were 
in NYC, we got out of a subway, and we saw some water and some boats. Do you know where that is?” via howmaywehateyou.com

I was visiting my mother one day, when she passed the candy dish full of chocolates and took one for herself. “I thought your doctor told you to stop eating candy,” I said. “Oh, I don’t have to listen to him anymore,” she replied. “Why not?” “He died.” Robert Orton, Highlands Ranch, Colorado

My daughter said something to me that I didn’t think was very polite. I told her she needed to say it again in a nicer way—so she repeated it with a British accent. via lamebook.com

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting. —Stewart Francis

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks. —Stewart Francis

It’s weird that NFL players don’t constantly look at their phones to check their stats. —@shawnries

I prefer the tight yoga pants football players wear over the frumpy businesswoman slacks baseball players wear. —@QuinnK

Anyone who thinks women talk too much has never sat through a six-hour Super Bowl pregame show. —Nora Barry

My dad didn’t text me after the Patriots game, which is basically a Life Alert signal if you’re from New England. —@joshgondelman

The rules of football and the plot of The Godfather are the two most 
complicated things that every guy understands no matter how dumb he is. —Julian McCullough

Anyone who’s just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do jazz hands. —Craig Ferguson

Q: What do you call an old snowman?   A: Water!

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you and I don't care who knows it!

Q: What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?   A: The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

Q: What's the different between a cat and a comma?   A: A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words?   A: The thesaurus.

Why do artists constantly feel cold?   Because they're surrounded by drafts.

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster. —anonymous

I’d like the window that says “Are you sure you want to do this? OK/Cancel” to pop up less often on my computer and more in my real life. —@AaronFullerton

User: the word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” —Dave Barry

“One can play at this game ...” —me to my computer solitaire. —@meganamram

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree. —@SCbchbum

Taking pictures with an iPad is the new fanny pack. —@ClarkeKant