Guess what, tapas: You’re the exact Venn diagram midpoint of my two least favorite things
in the world: small portions and sharing
with anybody.
—@EireannDolan
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Lunchtime MVP
Bacon was definitely the
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
—@joshgondelman
Bacon was definitely the
first-round draft pick in the BLT. No one’s building a sandwich around lettuce.
—@joshgondelman
Expired Logic
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
—George Carlin
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
—George Carlin
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
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I Went To A Restaurant That Serves…
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
—Steven Wright
Love Lost, Love Found On Craigslist
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.” The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.”
• This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh ...,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued, “I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But
if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”
• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.” The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed,...
Bed, Bath, And Way, Way Beyond
In the hardware store, a
clerk asked, “Can I help you find
anything?”
“How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
—Leslie McRobie, Lee, New Hampshire
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?” “How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband. The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the...
Coversation With A Customer-Service Representative:
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box?
Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product.
Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause ... ]
OK ... [huff ... puff] I have it. It says ... Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer.
Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am.
—Linda Mowry, Midlothian, Virginia
Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box? Me: No, but...
Untangling Earbuds Is The New…
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished
a cardigan by now.
—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com
On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished
a cardigan by now.
—Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com
Overheard At A Zumba Class…
First woman: Look at me—I have
a muffin top.
Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin!
—Cora McGrath, New Windsor, New York
First woman: Look at me—I have
a muffin top.
Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin!
—Cora McGrath, New Windsor, New York
When A Family Friend Passed Away…
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.”
He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.”
—Charles Gildersleeve, Hohenwald, Tennessee
When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to...
Teenage Wisdom
I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall.
“How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked.
“I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook
anymore.”
—Mary-Heather Reynolds, Prattville, Alabama
I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall. “How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked. “I told you...
The Key To Eating Healthy…
The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
—Comedian Mike Birbiglia
The key to eating healthy is
not eating any food that has a TV commercial.
—Comedian Mike Birbiglia
Next Time Someone Complains About…
Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
—@BoobsRadley
Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.
—@BoobsRadley
The Dead Man And The Cobbler…
While going through his
deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket.
The owner goes to the back and then
reappears. “Good news,” he says. “They’ll be ready next Friday.”
Submitted by Ronald Moore,
Charlevoix, Michigan
While going through his deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket....
A Woman Went Tanning…
A woman went up to the roof-deck of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she slipped out of her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A few minutes later, she heard someone running up the stairs.
“Excuse me, miss,” said the hotel manager. “We would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit.”
“But I’m alone,” she said. “What difference does it make?”
“A lot,” said the manager. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”
—Submitted by L. B. Weinstein,
Miami Beach, Florida
A woman went up to the roof-deck of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she slipped out of her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A...
I’d Like To Have A Kid…
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
—@DamienFahey
I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.
—@DamienFahey
Realistic Romantic Comedies
• When Harry Met Sally and
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
—From humorlabs.com
• When Harry Met Sally and
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos
• Love Handles, Actually
• Runaway Bridal Expenses
—From humorlabs.com
The Reader, The Writer, And The Lion
A lion comes across two
men, one reading and the other
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.
A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a...
Gigs In Space
Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s
always so much fun when artists
do a show in their hometown.
—Jimmy Fallon,
on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s always so much fun when artists do a show in their hometown....
The One About The Fishermen and The Angel
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to
his thick glasses and begs for
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man
gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and...
There Are Two Sure Things: Taxes, and Excuses
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time.
• My pet goldfish died.
—Self-employed builder
• Our business doesn’t really do anything. —Financial services firm
• I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns. —Accountant
Source: HM Revenue & Customs
Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died. —Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do...
A Poor Ex-Spleen Nation
A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around.
“What are you doing?” asked the professor.
The student answered, “I’m looking for the other one.”
—Alexandr Placar, Czech Republic
A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around. “What are you doing?” asked the professor. The student answered, “I’m...
Composing An Insult
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back:
•“If he had been making shell
casings during the war, it might
have made for better music.”
Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel
•“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.”
Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner
•“I liked the opera very much.
Everything but the music.”
Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky
—Source: classicfm.com
How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back: •“If he had been making shell casings during the war, it might have made for better...
Wanted: Human Torch
Who wouldn’t be inspired
to hire this young man? If his
cover letter is to be believed, he’s
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague:
“I am a
motivated, self-igniting person.”
—Source: heartland.org
Who wouldn’t be inspired to hire this young man? If his cover letter is to be believed, he’s eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague: “I am...
State of Confusion
Scene: The office
Me: We have to submit a form to
every state.
Coworker: All 51?
Me: Fifty-one?
Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good
at geometry.
—Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio
Scene: The office
Me: We have to submit a form to
every state.
Coworker: All 51?
Me: Fifty-one?
Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good
at geometry.
—Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio
An Amnesiac Walks Into…
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"
An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"
A Grizzly Conversion
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it....
What Does it Mean if…
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
—@Suddain
What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck?
—@Suddain
If 13 is Unlucky…
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
—Mitch Hedberg
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
—Mitch Hedberg
Find a Penny, Pick it up…
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
—@JennyJohnsonHi5
Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot.
—@JennyJohnsonHi5
Today is Thursday the 13th…
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.
—@KeatingThomas
Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians.
—@KeatingThomas
For Every Set of Horseshoes…
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
—Allan Sherman
For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
—Allan Sherman
Research has Found…
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you.
—Jimmy Fallon
Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the...
Don’t Even Ask About Condiments…
Scene: office cafeteria line
Friend: May I have pepper and salt?
(Counter guy looks confused.)
Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt?
(Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.)
Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt …
Me: You know, like you shake it on?
(Coworker looks over.)
Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper!
Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that?
—From notalwaysworking.com
Scene: office cafeteria line Friend: May I have pepper and salt? (Counter guy looks confused.) Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt? (Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.) Friend: No! Not that...
Am I That Tough?
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”
—Michele Davis, Onsted, Michigan
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.”
—Michele Davis, Onsted, Michigan
Overheard at Our Hospital
Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood.
Patient: But I just received blood yesterday.
Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?
—Rebecca Shafer, Springfield, Missouri
Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you? —Rebecca Shafer, Springfield, Missouri
A Company by Any Other Name
There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.”
A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.”
—Gary Schneider, St. Cloud, Minnesota
There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I...
Time Flies
As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Looking at my watch, I told her, “It’s 9:41 in Chicago and 5:41 in Honolulu.”
Intrigued, she asked, “Is the watch available for other cities?”
—Pam Tatreau, Hermosa Beach, California
As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day,...
Color Me Stupid
A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer.
Client: Can you make a color copy?
Me: Do you have the original?
Client: No. Just this one.
Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version.
Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier?
—From clientsfromhell.net
A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Client: Can you make a color copy? Me: Do you have the original? Client: No. Just this one. Me:...
Know Your Audience
“I’d like to discuss something with you,” my husband told our
nine-year-old son. He was about
to launch into The Talk.
“What is it?” asked Michael.
“We’re going to talk about girls.”
“What about girls?”
“Well, we’re going to talk about how girls get pregnant.”
“But, Dad,” said Michael, “I’m a boy!”
—Carol Wilson, Dublin, California
“I’d like to discuss something with you,” my husband told our nine-year-old son. He was about to launch into The Talk. “What is it?” asked Michael. “We’re going to talk...
Tailor-Made Quips
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”
—John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri
My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what...
Prepare for Takeoff
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?”
“Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.”
—Glen Phenix, Apex, North Carolina
My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?” “Yes,” she said, “but I...
What About the Other Half?
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.”
—Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” —Marlene...
Hold the Presses!
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world:
City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan)
Case of Innocent Man Freed
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas)
British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian
At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk
Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed After Spending 18 Years in Prison...
Passive-Aggressive Notes Left for Noisy Neighbors:
• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.”
• “Good morning! We hope your
exorcism was successful last night. We do ask as a courtesy that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights. Thank you in advance.”
• “Dear Neighbor, Your car’s sound system is amazing. It is so loud and the bass is so rockin’ that it actually shakes all the apartment buildings
in the complex. Awesome!”
—Source: thepoke.co.uk
• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.” • “Good morning! We hope your...
Children For Sale
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough.
“I think I’m going to sell them,”
I hissed to my sister.
“You’re crazy,” she said.
“For thinking of selling them?”
“For thinking someone would buy them.”
—Sheri Mueller, Lehi, Utah
After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking...
Click Here for History
Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience:
•1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died
•1920: 17 Things That Will Be
Outlawed Now That Women
Can Vote
•1928: This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs
•1929: Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFS]
•1948: 5 Insane Plans for Feeding West Berlin You Won’t Believe
Are Real
•1969: This Is the Most Important Photo of an Astronaut You’ll See
All Day
•1989: You Won’t Believe What
These People Did to the Berlin Wall! [Video]
—From xkcd.com
Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience: •1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died •1920: 17 Things That Will Be Outlawed Now That Women Can Vote •1928: This...
Candied Scams
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
Where are all the Sour Patch parents?
—Comedian Bo Burnham
My Favorite Joke: Penn Jillette
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke:
Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know,
before that last race …”
“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.
“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”
The other horse says, “Funny,
I felt a pinch in my hindquarters
before the race that I won.”
A dog walking by says, “You
idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”
The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”
Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other,...
Did You Hear About the New E-reader?
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and
Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle.
—Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana
Add Word, Ruin Movie
It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as:
• The Girl with the Washable
Dragon Tattoo
• Game of Porcelain Thrones
• The KFC Bucket List
—From twitter.com/ruinmoviee
It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as: • The Girl with the Washable Dragon...
Non-Belieber
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?”
—Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns
A Man Walks Into a Barbershop…
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
—Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon
A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?” “Twelve dollars,” says the barber. “And for a shave?” “Ten dollars.” “All right,” says the man, settling...
Why Do We Tell Actors…
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has a cast.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?"
Because every play has a cast.
Why Aren’t Dogs…
Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet!
What Kind of Coat…
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on?
A: A coat of paint.
Pencil Me In
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Girl: Yes, February 14th.
Dive Right In
What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"
What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"
Broken Heart
What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you."
What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you."
Celebrating July 4th
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!
Read All About It
Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: "Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren't dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott."
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell
Every Valentine’s Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned...
How Many Sheep…
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater?
A: Depends how well they can knit.
Making the Grade
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: "BE MINE." The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox
My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my...
Why Do Cows Have Bells…
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
What Did the Doctor…
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: "I can't see you today."
Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient?
A: "I can't see you today."
A Juggler, a Tightrope Walker, and a Clown…
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn't the lion eat the clown?
A: Because it thought he would taste funny.
Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and...
Perfectly Paired Puns
As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine." I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for You." I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My Valentine?"
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman
As Valentine’s Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I...
Why Did the Bacteria…
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.
How Many Seconds…
Q: How many seconds are there in one year?
A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
Q: How many seconds are there in one year? A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September...
What Has 13 Hearts…
Q: What has 13 hearts, but no other organs?
A: A deck of playing cards.
Q: What has 13 hearts, but no other organs?
A: A deck of playing cards.
Why Are Football Stadiums…
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
How Many Bananas…
Q: How many bananas can you eat if your stomach is empty?
A: Just one—after that, it's not empty anymore.
Q: How many bananas can you eat if your stomach is empty?
A: Just one—after that, it's not empty anymore.
What Do You Call…
Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?
A: A "b".
Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?
A: A "b".