I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. —Steven Wright

• The ad for the 14k white gold engagement ring in “like-new condition” included a caveat: It was worn “by Satan herself.” The ad then warned, “Ring may be cursed, as it tends to leave a path of destruction behind it. Possible events associated with this ring include but are not limited to: damage sustained to house, vehicle, heart, downed power lines, fallen trees, and swarms of locusts.” The upside: “Other than that, a very nice piece of jewelry.” • This man’s ad addressed someone he’d met only fleetingly: “Hi. I am the guy whose house you tried breaking in to this morning around 9:30 a.m. on Gale Street,” he wrote. “Our conversation was short. You only said, ‘Oh my gosh, oh my gosh ...,’ as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still,” he continued, “I feel we made a good connection, separated only by the door and the two locks you were trying to pick. Please don’t break into my house again. But 
if you’re up for a legal encounter, I’m game.”

In the hardware store, a 
clerk asked, “Can I help you find 
anything?” “How about my misspent youth,” joked my husband. The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.” —Leslie McRobie, Lee, New Hampshire

Me: I have a Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer that is defective. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the exact name of the item. Do you have the box? Me: No, but it’s the Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer. Customer Rep: Ma’am, we’ll need the box so we can have the exact name of the product. Me: Hold on. I’ll run out to my garage and get the box. [Long pause ... ] 
OK ... [huff ... puff] I have it. It says ... Roundup Multi Purpose Sprayer. Customer Rep: Thank you for that information, ma’am. —Linda Mowry, Midlothian, Virginia

On the subway, untangling earbuds is the new knitting. The woman across from me could have finished 
a cardigan by now. —Greg Preece, on humorlabs.com

First woman: Look at me—I have 
a muffin top. Second woman: You’re complaining? I have the whole muffin! —Cora McGrath, New Windsor, New York  

When a family friend passed away, my granddaughter took her three-year-old son to visit the widow. As they approached the front door, she whispered to the boy, “Make sure to tell her how sorry you are.” He whispered back, “Why? I didn’t kill him.” —Charles Gildersleeve, Hohenwald, Tennessee

I mentioned to my sons that some teens used Facebook to plan a robbery at a local mall. “How did the NSA miss that?” my 21-year-old asked. “I told you guys,” said my 17-year-old. “No one uses Facebook 
anymore.” —Mary-Heather Reynolds, Prattville, Alabama

The key to eating healthy is 
not eating any food that has a TV commercial. —Comedian Mike Birbiglia

Next time somebody complains about millennials, remind him which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors. —@BoobsRadley

While going through his 
deceased father’s things, a man finds a 25-year-old claim check for a shoe repair. Curious, he goes to the store and hands the owner the ticket. 
The owner goes to the back and then
reappears. “Good news,” he says. “They’ll be ready next Friday.” Submitted by Ronald Moore, 
Charlevoix, Michigan  

A woman went up to the roof-deck of her hotel to sunbathe. No one else was there, so she slipped out of her swimsuit to get an overall tan. A few minutes later, she heard someone running up the stairs. “Excuse me, miss,” said the hotel manager. “We would appreciate it if you wore a bathing suit.” “But I’m alone,” she said. “What difference does it make?” “A lot,” said the manager. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.” —Submitted by L. B. Weinstein, 
    Miami Beach, Florida

I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are. —@DamienFahey

• When Harry Met Sally and 
Discovered She Looks Nothing Like Her eHarmony Photos • Love Handles, Actually • Runaway Bridal Expenses —From humorlabs.com

A lion comes across two 
men, one reading and the other 
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

Lady Gaga is now saying that sometime in 2015 she will actually perform a concert from space. It’s 
always so much fun when artists 
do a show in their hometown. —Jimmy Fallon, 
on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears. The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief. The second guy points to 
his thick glasses and begs for 
a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man 
gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

Here are the best tried-and-failed excuses British businesses gave for not paying their taxes on time. • My pet goldfish died. 
    —Self-employed builder • Our business doesn’t really do anything.     —Financial services firm • I’ve been too busy submitting my clients’ tax returns.     —Accountant Source: HM Revenue & Customs

A medical student was told to remove the spleen from a cadaver. After he did, he kept poking around. “What are you doing?” asked the professor. The student answered, “I’m looking for the other one.” —Alexandr Placar, Czech Republic

How classical maestros also used their batons to stab each other in the back: •“If he had been making shell 
casings during the war, it might 
have made for better music.” Camille Saint-Saëns, on Maurice Ravel •“Wagner has beautiful moments but awful quarters of an hour.” Gioachino Rossini, on Richard Wagner •“I liked the opera very much. 
Everything but the music.” Benjamin Britten, on Igor Stravinsky —Source: classicfm.com

Who wouldn’t be inspired 
to hire this young man? If his 
cover letter is to be believed, he’s 
eager to light a fire under the most recalcitrant colleague: “I am a 
motivated, self-igniting person.” —Source: heartland.org

Scene: The office Me: We have to submit a form to 
every state. Coworker: All 51? Me: Fifty-one? Coworker: Whatever. I’m not good 
at geometry. —Jill Lloyd, Bexley, Ohio

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, "So, do I come here often?"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.” Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

What does it mean if a black squirrel crosses your path? Will I have adorably bad luck? —@Suddain

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. —Mitch Hedberg

Find a penny, pick it up, all day long you’ll have nothing but a gross penny you found in some filthy parking lot. —@JennyJohnsonHi5

Today is Thursday the 13th, which means it’s bad luck to deal with Australians. —@KeatingThomas

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse. —Allan Sherman

Research has found that because it makes you think positive thoughts, throwing salt over your shoulder can actually prevent bad luck. Or at least give you better luck than the guy behind you. —Jimmy Fallon

Scene: office cafeteria line Friend: May I have pepper and salt? (Counter guy looks confused.) Friend: Sir? Pepper and salt? (Counter guy grabs a bell pepper.) Friend: No! Not that pepper. The pepper and salt … Me: You know, like you shake it on? (Coworker looks over.) Coworker: Dude! She means the salt and pepper! Counter guy: Oh! Why didn’t you just say that? —From notalwaysworking.com

After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got a thank-you e-mail, stating, “It was a pressure meeting you.” —Michele Davis, Onsted, Michigan

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you? —Rebecca Shafer, Springfield, Missouri

There was a period when our company’s ownership was constantly changing hands, resulting in a new name for the business each time. After the latest regime and name change, I said, “We’re going to need a new company sign out front.” A colleague said, “We don’t need a new sign; we need a blackboard.” —Gary Schneider, St. Cloud, Minnesota

As a flight attendant, I wear a watch with two faces: one set for the time in our departure city, and the other set for our destination city. One day, a passenger asked me for the time. Looking at my watch, I told her, “It’s 9:41 in Chicago and 5:41 in Honolulu.” Intrigued, she asked, “Is the watch available for other cities?” —Pam Tatreau, Hermosa Beach, California

A client walked into my design studio with a black-and-white flyer. Client: Can you make a color copy? Me: Do you have the original? Client: No. Just this one. Me: Sorry, I can’t make color copies unless I have the original color version. Client (confused): Why can’t you just run it through the color copier? —From clientsfromhell.net

“I’d like to discuss something with you,” my husband told our 
nine-year-old son. He was about 
to launch into The Talk. “What is it?” asked Michael. “We’re going to talk about girls.” “What about girls?” “Well, we’re going to talk about how girls get pregnant.” “But, Dad,” said Michael, “I’m a boy!” —Carol Wilson, Dublin, California

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.” —John Canuteson, Liberty, Missouri

My seatmate on a flight was a woman. Ever the charmer, I asked, “Does the airline charge you extra for sitting next to good-looking men?” “Yes,” she said, “but I wasn’t willing to pay.” —Glen Phenix, Apex, North Carolina

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, “You are better looking than half the women here.” —Marlene Bambrick, Cleveland Heights, Ohio

Misadventures in headline writing from around the world: City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells —The Herald-Palladium (St. Joseph, Michigan) Case of Innocent Man Freed 
After Spending 18 Years in Prison Proves Texas System Works —Lubbock Avalanche-Journal (Texas) British Left Waffles on Falklands —The Guardian At Last Singer Etta James Dies —dailymail.co.uk

• “Hi. Just thought you might like to know that I think your pet elephants have been bowling while you’re out. —Your Downstairs Neighbor.” • “Good morning! We hope your 
exorcism was successful last night. We do ask as a courtesy that you limit expelling demons to Friday or Saturday nights. Thank you in advance.” • “Dear Neighbor, Your car’s sound system is amazing. It is so loud and the bass is so rockin’ that it actually shakes all the apartment buildings 
in the complex. Awesome!” —Source: thepoke.co.uk

After a rough day spent corralling my rowdy kids, I’d had enough. “I think I’m going to sell them,” 
I hissed to my sister. “You’re crazy,” she said. “For thinking of selling them?” “For thinking someone would buy them.” —Sheri Mueller, Lehi, Utah

Historic headlines reimagined for a social media–obsessed audience: •1912: 6 Titanic Survivors Who Should Have Died •1920: 17 Things That Will Be 
Outlawed Now That Women 
Can Vote •1928: This One Weird Mold Kills All Germs •1929: Most Embarrassing Reactions to the Stock Market Crash [GIFS] •1948: 5 Insane Plans for Feeding West Berlin You Won’t Believe 
Are Real •1969: This Is the Most Important Photo of an Astronaut You’ll See 
All Day •1989: You Won’t Believe What 
These People Did to the Berlin Wall! [Video] —From xkcd.com

Where are all the Sour Patch parents? —Comedian Bo Burnham

Penn Jillette, the chatty half of the magic duo Penn & Teller, shared with us his favorite clean joke: Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, 
before that last race …” “The one that you won?” asks the other horse. “Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.” The other horse says, “Funny, 
I felt a pinch in my hindquarters 
before the race that I won.” A dog walking by says, “You 
idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!” The first horse turns to the other and says, “Hey, a talking dog!”

Did you hear about the new e-reader? Reader’s Digest and 
Amazon created software that will condense books when you download them. It’s called the Dwindle. —Kristin Maurer, Evansville, Indiana

It doesn’t take much to ruin a film. Sometimes all you have to do is add a word to the title, such as: • The Girl with the Washable 
Dragon Tattoo • Game of Porcelain Thrones • The KFC Bucket List —From twitter.com/ruinmoviee

“You’ve had three hairstyles. What’s next for your career?” —Zach Galifianakis to Justin Bieber in an episode of Between Two Ferns

A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?” “Twelve dollars,” says the barber. “And for a shave?” “Ten dollars.” “All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.” —Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" Because every play has a cast.

Q: Why aren't dogs good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet!

Q: What kind of coat is always wet when you put it on? A: A coat of paint.

Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Girl: Yes, February 14th.

What did one boat say to the other? "Are you up for a little row-mance?"

What did the guy with the broken leg say to his nurse? "I've got a crutch on you."

What do you say to your single friends on Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day!

Every Valentine's Day our campus newspaper has a section for student messages. Last year my roommate surprised his girlfriend with roses and dinner at a fancy restaurant. When they returned from their date, she leafed through the paper to see if he had written a note to her. Near the bottom of one page she found: "Bonnie—What are you looking here for? Aren't dinner and flowers enough? Love, Scott."
—Contributed by Richard B. Blackwell

Q: How many sheep does it take to make one sweater? A: Depends how well they can knit.

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: "BE MINE." The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: "Thank you, but it's still BE MINE-US."
—Contributed by Brad Wilcox

Q: Why do cows have bells? A: Because their horns don't work.

Q: What did the doctor tell her invisible patient? A: "I can't see you today."

Q: A juggler, a tightrope walker, and a clown were lost in the jungle, when all of a sudden a lion came out of nowhere and—OWP! ate the juggler and the tightrope walker. Why didn't the lion eat the clown? A: Because it thought he would taste funny.

As Valentine's Day approached, I tried to think of an unusual gift for my husband. When I discovered that his favorite red-plaid pants had a broken zipper, I thought I had the "perfect Valentine." I had the pants repaired, and gift-wrapped them. On the package I put a huge red heart on which I printed: "My Heart Pants for You." I was the surprised one, however, when I saw the same heart taped to our formerly empty, but now overflowing, wood box. On it he had written: "Wood You Be My Valentine?"
—Contributed by Mary Lou Pittman

Q: Why did the bacteria cross the microscope? A: To get to the other slide.

Q: How many seconds are there in one year? A: 12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.

Q: What has 13 hearts, but no other organs? A: A deck of playing cards.

Q: Why are football stadiums so cool? A: Because every seat has a fan in it!

Q: How many bananas can you eat if your stomach is empty? A: Just one—after that, it's not empty anymore.

Q: What do you call a bear without an ear? A: A "b".