Tired of referring to your bosses with the same old, sorry expletives? Try some from abroad: Chinese: “Your mother is a big turtle.” Yiddish: “May you lie in the ground...
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Business Signs of The Times:
Spotted on a restaurant’s website: “Glutton-free menu available.”
Emily Payne, Greenville, South Carolina
Seen on a New York City subway poster: “Se habla Español/Russian.”
Aaron Fernando, Richmond Hill, New York
Read off a pharmacy marquee: “We sell beer & wine! We can flavor your child’s liquid Rx!”
Source: Consumer Reports
Spotted on a restaurant’s website: “Glutton-free menu available.” Emily Payne, Greenville, South Carolina Seen on a New York City subway poster: “Se habla Español/Russian.” Aaron Fernando, Richmond Hill, New York...
Testimony Taken Down by Me, a Court Reporter
Question: Now, to the best of your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop?
Answer: I hope so.
Diane McElwee, Norfolk, Massachusetts
Question: Now, to the best of your knowledge, did your internal bleeding stop?
Answer: I hope so.
Diane McElwee, Norfolk, Massachusetts
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There is Such Thing as a Dumb Question
There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These:
• I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I'd read off was upper- or lowercase.
• Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool.
• A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood.
• I'm a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas.
Source: reddit.com
There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These: • I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I’d read off was...
Honor Among Thieves
A mother complained to my wife,
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils.
“It’s not the money—it’s the
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.”
Roger Prengel, Lacey, Washington
A mother complained to my wife, a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money—it’s the principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from...
A Home Affair
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered.
“Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”
Patti Simkins, Columbus, Georgia
My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her...
Cluck Life
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Cats Are Smarter
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
—Jeff Valdez
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
—Jeff Valdez
How Lazy is He???
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.
—Rodney Dangerfield
A Dog is More Than A Friend
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...
—Elayne Boosler
My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum...
—Elayne Boosler
Impatient Cow
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient co...
MOO!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Impatient cow.
Impatient co...
MOO!
A Dachshund Walks Into a Telegraph…
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, "You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another 'Woof' for the same price."
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. "But that would make no sense at all."
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk looks over the paper for...
Adding Insult to Introduction
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?"
The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions."
"Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?” The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a...
What’s Brown and…
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
A Joke of Little Value…
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A Genius Solution
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.
Why Should 288…
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.
Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
A: It's two gross.
Why do Mathematicians…
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
Q: Why do mathematicians like parks?
A: Because of all the natural logs.
Noah and the Snakes
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes...
What do You Call a Number…
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.
Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A: A roamin' numeral.
The House Problem
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.
The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate."
The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced."
Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two...
An Average Joke
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably.
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician?
A: Probably.
Vice President of Rock
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
A: An Algorithm
Invariable Consequences
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Chicken Strips
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
A: To get to the same side.
Solve for XX
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
The Engineer, the Physicist, and the Mathematician
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.
Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.
Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so...
Infinitely Many Mathematicians…
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, "I'll have a beer."
The second says, "I'll have half a beer."
The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer."
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of...
Law of Diminishing Returns
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
What do You Call a Line…
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A: a receding hare-line.
Scrooge, Junior Grade
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
—Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
—Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh
I Don’t Say “Hey” Pro Bono
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”
A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back....
New From the China National Tourism Administration…
The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including:
• Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.
• Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.
• Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades.
Source: list25.com
The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: • Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. • Don’t leave footprints...
“Brought to You by the Division of Vague Announcements”
Heard over the plant’s paging
system: “Will John Porter please
return to where you were before you went where you are.”
Irene Onorato, Plymouth, Massachusetts
Heard over the plant’s paging
system: “Will John Porter please
return to where you were before you went where you are.”
Irene Onorato, Plymouth, Massachusetts
Department of (Ridiculous) Corrections
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others:
• NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.”
• Britain’s Sky News showed the
importance of punctuation: “Top
stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.”
• A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’”
Sources: jonathanturley.org, Washington Times, poynter.org
Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others: • NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.” •...
Part-Time Work
Scene: A man applying for credit
at a department store.
Clerk: What do you do for a living?
Man: I’m a tree trimmer.
Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?
Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee
Scene: A man applying for credit at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas?...
How to Deal With an Errant Bosom
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help:
A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers
in the library.”
Source: notalwaysright.com
Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to...
PowerPoint: the Program You Love to Hate …
• Were Moses alive today, the Ten Commandments would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings.
• The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world
that he didn’t invent PowerPoint.
• No one ever says, “Boy, that ‘I Have a Dream’ speech could’ve been a lot better if Martin Luther King Jr. had used PowerPoint.”
From meetingboy.com
• Were Moses alive today, the Ten Commandments would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings. • The greatest...
Smoke ’em if You Got ’em
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature.
Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older
sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.”
James Bushart, Cassville, Missouri
When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our...
An Aptly Named Vessel…
I was standing watch when
an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant.
“Ocean Pearl,” I answered.
He nodded. “It does look like it’s been fished out from the bottom
of the sea.”
Sunder P. Shastry, Mumbai, India
I was standing watch when an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant. “Ocean Pearl,” I answered. He nodded. “It...
Air Force Handles Way Weirder than “Maverick”
In Top Gun, Tom Cruise’s call sign was the very apt Maverick. In real life, Air Force pilots’ handles are also
often appropriate—but definitely
not as cool. Like these:
Boomer: Accidentally broke sound barrier over a small town
SMAT: Small Man Always Talking
Dobber: The simplest tool in the F-16 (a switch in the cockpit)
Source: slate.com
In Top Gun, Tom Cruise’s call sign was the very apt Maverick. In real life, Air Force pilots’ handles are also often appropriate—but definitely not as cool. Like these: Boomer:...
Don’t Knock the Weather.
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard
Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation.
Kin Hubbard
Electricity is Really Just…
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
It’s Been Raining so Much in LA that…
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
Jay Leno
It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway.
Jay Leno
If I’m on the Course and Lightning Starts…
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Bob Hope
If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.
Bob Hope
Why Does Moisture Destroy…
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
Jerry Seinfeld
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit...
My Food’s Food
"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables
Parks and Recreation
Jokes Every Vegan Should Know
What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.
How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in
the dark.
How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?
What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead. How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in the dark. How many vegetarians...
Did You Hear About the Vegan Devil…
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper?
He sold his soul to seitan.
Why Does Vegan Cheese Taste…
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad?
A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.
The Saddest Story I Know
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”
Noah Jorgensen, Silsbee, Texas
While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel...
The Time Traveler Protest
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
@johnfreiler
T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH
@johnfreiler
Who Taught You That?
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means
carrying a child.”
Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah
“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant...
Crossword Puzzle Answers You’d Never get Right:
• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)
Source: Esquire
• Star of Gravity (Newton)
• You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat)
• Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio)
• Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount)
• Etsy, Russian (nyetsy)
Source: Esquire
I Hide Photos…
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
@EliTerry
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them.
@EliTerry
Swimming is Confusing…
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.
Comedian Demetri Martin
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur…
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool
Washington Post
Stolen Prosthetic Arm…
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop
Daily Echo, England
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate…
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)
Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death
WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)
Every Time I Say That…
Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision.
@adamhess1
Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision....
“I Was Only Breaking the Law a Little!”
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over.
“Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.”
“Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”
Pat Goetzinger, Lincoln, California
My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the...
Grandma, How You’ve Changed!
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes.
“Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother.
“Yes, it is.”
“Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.”
Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota
During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it...
The Wisdom of a Defeated Husband
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each
job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint
on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.”
Barbara Biderson,
Huntington Beach, California
My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint on a wall, he discovered gouges in the...
The Magic Penny
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”
From gcfl.net
We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going...
How to Shock a Time Traveler
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”
Source: reddit.com
If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is...
How Do You Get Down…
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a goose.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't. You get down from a goose.
She Shoots, She Scores!
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he's a keeper.
Why should you never breakup with a goalie?
Because he's a keeper.
How Far Can a Fox…
Q: How far can a fox run into a grove?
A: Only halfway—then he's running out of it!
Q: How far can a fox run into a grove?
A: Only halfway—then he's running out of it!
Why Are Frogs…
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.
I Travel All Over…
Q: I travel all over the world, but always stay in my corner. What am I?
A: A stamp.
Q: I travel all over the world, but always stay in my corner. What am I?
A: A stamp.
With Pointed Fangs I…
Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I?
A: A stapler
Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I? A: A...
I Don’t Want To Say We Eat Out…
I don’t want to say we eat out
a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car.
—Julie Kidd
I don’t want to say we eat out a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —Julie Kidd
Taking The Cake
“You can’t have your cake and
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake
is for.
—@ShiraSelko
“You can’t have your cake and
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake
is for.
—@ShiraSelko