There is No Such Thing as a Dumb Question, Except for These: • I work in IT. A customer asked me if a string of numbers I'd read off was upper- or lowercase. • Someone once asked, “Is this the museum?” I work at a pool. • A few of the things customers have asked for at our art-supply store include disco balls, trees, and crucifixion wood. • I'm a butcher. A woman asked if she could sleep in our freezer to test out a heavy-duty sleeping bag before a trip to the Himalayas. Source: reddit.com

A mother complained to my wife, 
a schoolteacher, that other students were stealing her daughter’s pencils. “It’s not the money—it’s the 
principle,” she insisted. “My husband took those pencils from work.” Roger Prengel, Lacey, Washington

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.” Patti Simkins, Columbus, Georgia

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. —Rodney Dangerfield

My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum... —Elayne Boosler

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Impatient cow. Impatient co... MOO!

A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, "You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another 'Woof' for the same price." The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. "But that would make no sense at all."

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. "Howdy, stranger," one Texan says. "Where are you from?" The Oxford graduate answers, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions." "Oh, I'm sorry," replies the Texan. "Where are you from, jackass?"

Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.

Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it's just beer.

Q: Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? A: It's two gross.

Q: Why do mathematicians like parks? A: Because of all the natural logs.

With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”

Q: What do you call a number that can't keep still? A: A roamin' numeral.

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house. The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate." The biologist counters, "They must have reproduced." Finally, the mathematician suggests, "If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician? A: Probably.

Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm

Q: How do mathematicians scold their children? A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? A: To get to the same side.

Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties? A: Because you should never drink and derive.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!" and then goes back to bed.

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. "Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

Q: What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A: a receding hare-line.

Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away." —Contributed by Mrs. Kenneth Labaugh

A lawyer e-mailed a client: “Dear Jennifer: Thought I saw you on the street the other day. Crossed over to say hello, but it wasn’t you, so I went back. One tenth of an hour: $30.”

The China National Tourism Administration has created tips for its citizens when traveling abroad, including: • Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts. • Don’t leave footprints on the toilet. • Don’t dry your underwear on lampshades. Source: list25.com

Heard over the plant’s paging 
system: “Will John Porter please 
return to where you were before you went where you are.” Irene Onorato, Plymouth, Massachusetts

Journalists and editors on deadline make the occasional error. Some are funnier than others: • NBC reported that American students rank internationally at: “26th math, 21th science, 17th reading.” • Britain’s Sky News showed the 
importance of punctuation: “Top 
stories: World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama–Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set.” • A retraction from Wired: “A previous version of this story incorrectly quoted Dropbox cofounder Drew Houston saying ‘anyone with nipples’ instead of ‘anyone with a pulse.’” Sources: jonathanturley.org, Washington Times, poynter.org

Scene: A man applying for credit 
at a department store. Clerk: What do you do for a living? Man: I’m a tree trimmer. Clerk: What do you do after Christmas? Ruth Sadeckas, Joelton, Tennessee

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: 
A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers 
in the library.” Source: notalwaysright.com

• Were Moses alive today, the Ten Commandments would be known as the Ten Best Practices, presented in PowerPoint and followed by 40 years of status meetings. • The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world 
that he didn’t invent PowerPoint. • No one ever says, “Boy, that ‘I Have a Dream’ speech could’ve been a lot better if Martin Luther King Jr. had used PowerPoint.” From meetingboy.com

When I enlisted in my teens, I took up smoking cigars to make myself look more mature. Did it work? Well, one time, as I proudly puffed away at our NCO club, an older 
sergeant growled, “Hey, kid, your candy bar’s on fire.” James Bushart, Cassville, Missouri

I was standing watch when 
an old, run-down freighter named Sagar Moti passed by. An officer asked if I knew what it meant. “Ocean Pearl,” I answered. He nodded. “It does look like it’s been fished out from the bottom 
of the sea.” Sunder P. Shastry, Mumbai, India

In Top Gun, Tom Cruise’s call sign was the very apt Maverick. In real life, Air Force pilots’ handles are also 
often appropriate—but definitely 
not as cool. Like these:   Boomer: Accidentally broke sound barrier over a small town   SMAT: Small Man Always Talking   Dobber: The simplest tool in the F-16 (a switch in the cockpit) Source: slate.com

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation. Kin Hubbard

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin

It’s been raining so much in Los Angeles that the Chia Pet I threw in the garbage is now blocking my entire driveway. Jay Leno

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. Bob Hope

Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” Jerry Seinfeld

"There must be a mistake: you've accidentally given me the food my food eats." —Ron Swanson, when given a plate of vegetables Parks and Recreation

What do you call a dumb carnivore? A meathead.   How many carnivores does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They prefer to stay in 
the dark.   How many vegetarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 
I don’t know, but where do you get your protein?

Did you hear about the vegan devil worshiper? He sold his soul to seitan.

Q: Why does vegan cheese taste bad? A: It hasn’t been tested on mice.

While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite 
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room. “I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.” As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn. “I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.” Noah Jorgensen, Silsbee, Texas

T NOW! What do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! When do we want them? RIGH  @johnfreiler

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the boy. “It means 
carrying a child.” Earl B. Child, Roy, Utah

• Star of Gravity (Newton) • You say potato, I say __(carbsmakemefat) • Turned water into wine (ernestandjulio) • Number of wheels on an 18-wheeler (goingtoofasttocount) • Etsy, Russian (nyetsy) Source: Esquire

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in 
a file named Fireworks and vacuums so my dog won’t find them. @EliTerry

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. Comedian Demetri Martin

First Microbes Breathed Sulfur Before It Was Cool Washington Post

Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop Daily Echo, England

Marshall County Sheriff’s Candidate Disputes Report of Own Death WAFF (Huntsville, Alabama)

Every time I say that I’m ready to order in a restaurant, what I really mean is that I’m not ready but the panic will help me make a decision. @adamhess1

My daughter-in-law was driving on the freeway when the sight of flashing lights in her rearview mirror made her pull over. “Do you know why I stopped you?” asked the state trooper. “You were going 85 miles per hour.” “Impossible,” she argued. “I had my cruise control set at 82!”  Pat Goetzinger, Lincoln, California

During my mother’s memorial, my five-year-old granddaughter could not stop staring at the urn that contained her ashes. “Is that really Great-grandma in there?” she asked her mother. “Yes, it is.” “Funny,” she said. “I always thought she was taller.” Lee Rosenow, Long Prairie, Minnesota

My husband was cramming all his chores into one day, but each 
job revealed another problem. For example, while touching up paint 
on a wall, he discovered gouges in the wood that needed to be filled in. Later, I found him sitting in the living room, staring off into space. Looking up, he announced, “Frustration is when my cope runneth over.” Barbara Biderson, 
Huntington Beach, California

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!” From gcfl.net

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.” Source: reddit.com

Q: How do you get down from an elephant? A: You don't. You get down from a goose.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie? Because he's a keeper.

Q: How far can a fox run into a grove? A: Only halfway—then he's running out of it!

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them.

Q: I travel all over the world, but always stay in my corner. What am I? A: A stamp.

Q: With pointed fangs I sit and wait; with piercing force I crunch out fate; grabbing victims, proclaiming might; physically joining with a single bite. What am I? A: A stapler

I don’t want to say we eat out 
a lot, but I’ve noticed that lately when I call my kids for dinner, they run to the car. —Julie Kidd

“You can’t have your cake and 
eat it too.”—People who don’t understand what cake 
is for. —@ShiraSelko