Faculty at our university had to file an explanation when they gave a grade of Incomplete. One semester, a professor’s report read “Student #1 contracted mononucleosis. Student #2 contracted pregnancy.” Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina

A customer walked up to my 
bank window and asked me to cash 
a check. “Of course,” I said. “But I’ll need to see ID.” She dug though her purse and handed me a snapshot. “That’s me in the middle,” she said. Deborah Berkley, Yakima, Washington

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from 
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report. “Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked. “No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.” Sherri Smith, Carrollton, Texas

“How many times have you committed suicide?” “Were you alone or by yourself?” “Was it you or your brother who was killed?” “Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.” “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?” “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” From The Dumb Book (Reader’s Digest Books)

Not the people who posted this sign at a bookstore that was going out of business: “Sorry, no public restroom. Try amazon.com.” Source: Consumer Reports

One of the joys of working is 
the opportunity to expense stuff you need. But did employees go too far with these items? • Lottery tickets • Pet food • A tepee • Hot tub supplies • A fine for crashing into a tollbooth Source: Robert Half Management Resources

After 12 years in prison, a man 
finally breaks out. When he 
gets home, filthy and exhausted, 
his wife says, “Where have 
you been? You escaped eight hours ago!”

I asked my brother-in-law, the 
father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?” “Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.” Sheila Lee, Lorain, Ohio

Asked to pick the worst year 
ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home. 
The housing market here has been 
a living hell ever since.” Source: The Atlantic

I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. 
I told her I didn’t. As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!” Melanie Riley, Lakemoor, Illinois

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain. Mary Nichols, Arlington, Virginia

Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.” Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried. Phlylis Showers, San Diego, California

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The 
Titanic is syncing.” Source: textsfromlastnight.com

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for 
a month. Theodore Roosevelt

Give me a one-handed economist! 
All my 
economists say, “On the one hand ...
on the other.” Harry Truman

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting. —Ronald Reagan

Being president is like 
running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening. Bill Clinton

I don’t think George 
Clooney has 
a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.” Comedian 
Eli Yudin

Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit. @ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)

People always ask me how long 
it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there. Dolly Parton

One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, “Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier. Submitted by Denis Everett, Coronado, California

A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” Conan O’Brien

#UnlikelySequels: Titanic 2 @davidschneider #failedchildrensbooktitles: The Very Hungry Tape Worm @Made_Dad #nicerfilmtitles: Snacks on a Plane @elfiem

It was so hot in Beverly Hills, 
people were frying egg whites on the sidewalk. Comedian Matt Wohlfarth

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!” The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …” Submitted by Alan lynch, Ithaca, New York

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

A hiker stumbles upon a golden lamp in the forest. He rubs it, and out pops a real-life genie. “In return for freeing me,” says the genie, “I will grant you three wishes.” “I want a million more wishes,” the hiker says immediately. “Rule number one: No asking for more wishes.” The hiker considers his options before replying, “In that case, I want a million more genies.” reddit.com

Hold, Brothers, Hold ... CHARGE!!! (Ice at the bottom of my cup) Demetri Martin

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, "Quick! You've gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!" The man agrees and drives off with the penguins. After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There's no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he'd help him, 25 penguins still in tow. "What happened!" the truck driver screams. "I told you to take them to the zoo!" "I did," the man answers. "But I had a little money left over, so I thought I'd take them to a movie too."

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. "Cindy won't be here this afternoon?" I asked. "She went home to lay in the sun," a young woman in the front row answered. Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, "Lie." "Okay," she replied in astonishment. "Cindy got sick and went home."
Contributed by Mary T. Upton

Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him. As we began rehearsing Pilate's solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. "Pilate, I don't hear you," he called out. "You're not loud enough." "Pilate is at work," a voice on the stage shouted back. "We've got our co-Pilate tonight." Contributed by Bill Dyson

I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air. Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener. Contributed by George G. Busher

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers. Submitted by Joan Flood

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked. “Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.” Submitted by Kirsten Wiley

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.” Submitted by Karla J. Kasper

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.” Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?” Submitted by Robin Yedlock

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one. When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked. “Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?” “No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.” Submitted by Terri Cook

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating. “Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy. By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!” Submitted by Paul Diblasi

Our Gen-X daughter, Cristie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as: “Can you turn up that music?” “Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.” “I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.” “Here, you take the remote.” Submitted by Deanna Schneider

Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid. Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me. The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely. Submitted by Charlotte G. Alexander

My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father. Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled. “Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’” Submitted by Anne Carlson

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland? A: Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In 
the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could 
spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of 
dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab. Source: cracked.com

We were marching to the chow hall when we spotted a pathetic-
looking recruit standing at attention by a mailbox, a whole book of stamps plastered to his forehead. When our drill instructor demanded an explanation, the man bellowed, “This recruit has proved himself worthless and weak and is being mailed home to his mother!” Mark Jones, Glendale, Arizona

“Dad?” —Zebra looking at a piano Sam Grittner

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, 
I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. Mark Twain

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business. Jimmy Fallon

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner

I got all my looks from my father. Mostly just the look of disappointment. @MrBigFists

If you’re the sole survivor of the Apocalypse, go to your gym. There’ll be somebody at the locker right next to yours. @bazecraze (Alex Baze)

#GeekPickupLines: My name’s 
Microsoft … can I crash at your place tonight?     @tillinghast (Mark Dryzcimski) #RobotPickupLines: “You had me 
at 100100010000101100110010011001001111.” @pound_hashtag #ThatAwkwardMoment: When someone says “Hello!” and you say “Good, thanks!” @menshumor #MySexLifeinMovieTitles: Home Alone @iowahawkblog (David Burge)

In math: Two divided by nothing. In physics: The contraction of 
the mouth due to the expansion 
of the heart. In accounting: It’s a credit, because it is profitable when returned. In economics: A thing for which the demand is higher than the 
supply. In dentistry: It’s infectious and 
antiseptic. From gcfl.net

Q: Where do geeks go for a good time? A: A wonky-tonk. Jack Eastham, Cypress, Texas

A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.” “You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom. “You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge. “Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man. “Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.” “I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Hear about the statistician 
who drowned crossing a river? It 
was three feet deep on average.

Three prisoners broke out 
of their cells and incited a riot. 
After they were caught, the warden asked why they had revolted. “Warden,” said one of the men, “we rebelled because the food is 
awful.” “I see,” said the warden. “But what did you use to break the bars?” “The French toast.”

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. @jimmykimmel

Graduate school students 
spend a lot of effort writing their 
thesis papers, often in arcane, smarty-pants-speak. However, a few deigned to simplify their findings: • “Some mice lick one foot more, and some mice lick the other foot more; it depends on the mouse.” 
(Psychology, McGill University) • “People don’t care what their subway stop is called, so it’s a good thing I stood outside in the rain and asked them.” (Urban Studies, University of Pennsylvania) • “A kind of string theory nobody thought was true is probably not true.” (Physics, Brown University) Source: lolmythesis.com

My mother was standing on 
the bus when she noticed that a 
man holding on to the same pole 
was staring at her. Finally, he said, “Excuse me. This is my stop.” “Well,” she said, “go ahead.” “This is my pole,” he said. My mother was confused until he added, “I just bought it at a store to hold up my shower curtain.” From gcfl.net

I think I’ve finally decoded the 
language of sale-a-day websites: Statement jewelry = large and ugly Lots of personality = odd and ugly Cutting-edge = disturbing and ugly Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

A headline in my local newspaper: “Appleton Airport May Soon Be Known as Appleton Airport.” Allison Nastoff, Brookfield, Wisconsin

When I stepped on the scale at 
my doctor’s office, I was surprised 
to see that I weighed 144 pounds. “Why don’t you just take off 
that last four?” I joked to the nurse’s 
aide as she made a notation on 
my chart. A few moments later, my doctor came in and flipped through the chart. “I see you’ve lost weight,” he said. “You’re down to 14 pounds.” Rachel Wagner, Bixby, Oklahoma

I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s 
a cute guy standing here.” Before 
I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.” Source: fmylife.com

• Waitress wanted. Must be 18 years old with 20 years’ experience. • Piano player wanted. Must have knowledge of opening clams. • Now hiring cashier. Cannot look like “Skeletor” from “He-Man.” • Cab drivers wanted. Must have good driving & criminal record. Sources: top5.com, kulfoto.com, uselesshumor.com