While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” Sharon McGinley, Talbott, Tennessee

When I trace a turkey, it comes out looking exactly like my hand. @ConanOBrien

What do Black Friday shoppers and the Thanksgiving turkey have 
in common? They know what it’s like to be stuffed and then jammed into 
a small place.

We’ve been over this before: 
Stupid doesn’t play well on job interviews. Hiring managers wish these 
job seekers had gotten the memo. • Applicant acted out a Star Trek role. • Applicant asked for a hug. • Applicant popped out his teeth when discussing dental benefits. • Applicant crashed her car into 
the building. From CareerBuilder’s 2014 Interview Blunders Survey

The topic of my student’s essay was the importance of trust, camaraderie, and toughness among football 
players. “After all,” he wrote, “you don’t want a bunch of pre-Madonnas out there on the field.” Michele Metcalf, Louisville, Kentucky

It’s important that soldiers 
learn from their mistakes; otherwise, they’re bound to repeat them at 
inopportune moments. Here soldiers share what they’ve gleaned from 
past gaffes: • “I was cold” is not a sufficient 
reason for being caught in the female barracks. • Do not communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics. • Do not conduct live fire exercises at the general’s (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked Live Fire Zone. • Do not attempt to shave with fire. • Do not use 27 packs of sticky notes to label everything in the barracks 
so the general won’t have any questions during the inspection. From skippyslist.com

On Facebook, the English 
language has few friends. 
Three examples: Post: I can’t stand people 
that don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so dumb. Response: Their, their, calm down. Post: Is it me or does nobody have manors these days? Response: I just have a normal house. Post: I do not have patients for stupid today. Response: Patience.   Source: studentbeans.com, lamebook.com

Events had left my son-in-
law’s sister feeling sad, and she started tearing up. Luckily, our 
two-year-old grandson was nearby 
to dispense words of wisdom. 
“Don’t cry,” he said. “Sometimes 
batteries die and toys break.” Perry Finkelman, West Hempstead, New York

While serving jury duty, 
I noticed that the defense attorney seemed a bit nervous. At one 
point, he picked up a piece of 
evidence and asked his client, who was on the witness stand, “I see 
an acronym on this receipt. What 
would CAR stand for?” The defendant replied, “Car.” Kristi Boerner, Fleming, Colorado

If you’ve seen me impatiently standing in line, then you’ve seen 
me dancing at a concert. @SammyRhodes

When a zoo’s gorilla dies, the zookeeper hires an actor to don 
a costume and act like an ape 
until the zoo can get another one. In the cage, the actor makes faces, swings around, and draws a huge crowd. He then crawls across a partition and atop the 
lion’s cage, infuriating the animal. But the actor stays in character—until he loses his grip and falls into the lion’s cage. Terrified, the actor shouts, “Help! Help me!” Too late. The lion pounces, opens 
its massive jaws, and whispers, “Shut up! Do you want to get 
us both fired?!”

The note left on the office refrigerator was addressed to “The culprit who ate what you thought were two peanut butter ice cream bars.” We’ll skip over the details and 
go straight to the signature: 
“Love, Constipated-Dog Owner.” Source: someecards.com

Scene: Our break room. Coworker #1 pulls out a bottle of vitamins. Coworker #2: What’s that? Coworker #1: Vitamin D. Coworker #2: Why do you take that? Coworker #1: Because we live in Ohio, and we never see the sun. Coworker #2: Wait a minute … they make a vitamin that gives you a tan? Sally Churley, Cortland, Ohio

An irate patient called our 
pathology group, demanding that 
I explain every lab test on her statement. “Of course,” I said. I brought up her bill: “Number one, urinalysis …” She interrupted me: “I’m a what?!” —From gcfl.net

When my customer ordered 
iced tea, I asked, “Sweetened or 
unsweetened?” Her answer: “What’s the difference?” Ruth Anne Pluckhorn, Moorestown, New Jersey

If a company’s most valuable 
resource is its people, how come 
the employees aren’t locked up, 
but the toilet paper is in a 
reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall? Mark Severin, from humorlabs.com

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training. I set out a roach bomb—they defused it. —Comedian Jay London

The bean soup I’d ordered was mostly water. I decided to tell the waitress. “This soup is awful,” I said. “I know,” she said. “I don’t like bean soup either.”  submitted by reader J. M.

To get my cousin to write to 
her even once, my aunt resorted to 
sending him a check with this note: “Do not cash until you write me a thank-you.” A few weeks later, the check had cleared, yet no message had arrived. So she called him. “I told you not to cash the check until you’d written to thank me,” she complained. “I didn’t cash the check,” he said. “I deposited it.” Mark Forman, Berkeley Heights, New Jersey

A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid. Lesley Wake

Yahoo Questions that will Destroy Your Faith in Humanity.... “Can I safely look at a picture of the sun?” “How can I be sure I’m the real mom of my kid?” “How do you get spaghetti stains out of underwear?” Source: buzzfeed.com

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library? Lily Tomlin

If you can’t beat them, arrange 
to have them beaten. George Carlin

I recently stumbled upon 
my favorite new sports team. It’s 
a woman’s bowling squad called 
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. Jacqueline Tessman, 
Benton Harbor, Michigan

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative. Ricky Gervais

The barbershop was crowded, 
so the woman at the cash register 
offered to put my name on the 
waiting list. “What is it?” she asked. “Stephen, with a P-H,” I said. Minutes later, a chair opened up, and my name was called: “Pheven?” Stephen Hudson, Falmouth, Maine

I think the expression “It’s a small world” is really a euphemism for “I keep running into people I can’t stand.” Brock Cohen

A penny saved is a penny that will sit around in a jar for five years. @Keatingthomas

Q: How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Whatever.

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: Only one, but she has to do 
it while you’re eating dinner.

Famous film quotes get the 
redneck treatment: • “You had me at ‘Sooooey!’” • “Use the horse, Luke.” • “Are you crying? There’s no crying in NASCAR!” • “Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her 
’68 Rambler into mine.” From humorlabs.com

Can a 3-D printer make ink 
cartridges for a 2-D printer? Comedian Joe Mande

I told the kids I never want to 
live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from 
a bottle. So they unplugged my 
computer and threw out my wine. Submitted by Beverly McLaughlin, 
Burnsville, Minnesota

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups: • A brat of boys • A giggle of girls • A stagger of drunks • A tedium of accountants • A stitch of doctors • A whine of losers • A jerk of politicians

Happy One-year anniversary to the Lean Cuisine in my freezer! @SCbchbum

Karate: the ancient Japanese art of getting people to buy lots of belts. Comedian Myq Kaplan

A priest and a pastor are standing by the side of a road holding up 
a sign that reads “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!” A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” and speeds past them. From around the curve, they hear screeching tires—then a big splash. The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with: •Semper Pie •The Lasting Supper •In-dough-structible •Pizza de Resistance •DeFrigNo! •Auld Lang Slice •Eternal Piece •Grandpapa John’s Pizza

I never feel more privileged 
than when I get angry about a website design. Comedian Kelly Oxford

Before LinkedIn, I didn’t know any strangers. @Joshmalina

The late comedian Mitch 
Hedberg said that he would write jokes by sitting around his hotel room thinking of things that cracked him up. “Then I go get a pen, and 
I write it down,” he said. “Or, if the pen’s too far away, I convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.”

Working for a news organization is a tough job, as these world-weary tweets suggest: • News reporter: “The computer erased all the apostrophes in my story. Apparently I’m too possessive.” • Copy editor, as group of Cub Scouts gets a tour: “There it is, ‘Scared Straight: Newsroom Edition.’” • Producer: “Free food in the 
newsroom is like oxygen masks on an airplane. You get yours first, then 
you inform others.” Source: overheardinthenewsroom.com

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped 
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed. Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I 
explained, “The last time someone 
gave me wings, I had to jump 
out of the airplane.” Col. David Jessop (Ret.), 
Rineyville, Kentucky

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking. @juliussharpe

Today, my 808 area code phone number has yet again been mistaken for a 1-800 number. I’ve been getting phone calls at three in the morning from people on the East Coast trying to return their shoes. Even worse, they end up wanting to speak to my supervisor because I “don’t sound professional enough.” From fmylife.com

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they 
upload clips of cute humans 
trying to open DVD packaging 
and jump-start 
cars. @rolldiggity  

“So what’s that brush for?” the new hire asked. “It’s used to clean toilet bowls in the lobby,” said the first manager. “Actually, it’s for scrubbing deep fryers,” said the second manager. “Well, I’ve been cleaning toilets with it,” said the first manager. “Um, I’m putting in for a new brush,” said the second manager. From notalwaysworking.com

I’m pretty sure the dinosaurs died out when they stopped gathering food and started having meetings to discuss gathering food. From meetingboy.com

I bragged to my boss that I didn’t need painkillers after a major surgery. His response: “This time, your evil superpowers came in handy.” Patricia Speilburg, Port Huron, Michigan

I discovered that I’d spent an hour walking around a mall with a shoe store’s “Feel the Comfort” sticker stuck to my body. More humiliating? It was attached to my left breast. Debbie Skolnik, Scarsdale, New York

File These Headlines Under: We Don't Even Want to Know. •Firefighters Use Jaws of Life to Free High School Girl from Locker •FDA Approves Third Silicone-Gel Breast Implant •Missing Woman Unwittingly Joins Search Party Looking for Herself •Woman’s “Stomach Bug” Actually Baby Sources: Ottawa Citizen (Canada), ctpost.com, Associated Press, Toronto Sun

I used to find buying books from Amazon slow and inconvenient, until one day the 
receptionist suggested 
I use their website. Peter Serafinowicz

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad. @Damienfahey

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my 
advantage. I take that as a compliment. Submitted by reader D. T.

The parody Twitter account 
@boredElonMusk figured that if 
Musk could cofound PayPal and also develop the Tesla electric automobile, he might invent these next: • A TV that gets louder to compensate for when you are chewing. • An indoor trash bin that keeps 
getting taller until someone finally decides to take the garbage out. • Eye-tracking software that will not allow you to share a link on Twitter or Facebook until you’ve read 70 percent of the article.

I’m thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up ads. Comedian Dan Burt

Knock! Knock! Who's there? Control Freak. Con— Okay, now you say, "Control Freak who?"

“Ohhh, bless you … Bless you … Riiiight. Because you’re special air.”     —A burp to a sneeze Comedian Andrew Hibbard

The only qualification for working at an airline is making 
a confused face at a monitor. Comedian Julius Sharpe

We were reading The Wisdom of King Solomon in my Sunday school class. An illustration showed King Solomon ordering a child to be cut in half, as one woman sobbed and another watched uncaringly. Pointing to the heartless woman, a young boy said, “I hope she ends up with the part that has the butt on it.” Evelyn Wieland, Bay City, Michigan

I once got a text from my mom where “You’re amazing” autocorrected to “You’re adopted.” @StefenColalillo On Valentine’s Day last year, my mom texted me, “Enjoy your VD.” Not the best time to 
abbreviate, Mom. @HollyLouHarris My mom once texted me “can you come over, I want you to take a selfie of me.” @stefaniLegs

“What’s a hipster?” asked my four-year-old cousin. “Someone who will wear something just to look different,” I said. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.” “Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked. —Eyesha Sadiq, Woodland, California

Scene: Sunday mass. I turned to greet an older woman. Woman: My! You have the most beautiful skin. Me: Oh, thank you. Woman: If I were younger, I’d hate you. From notalwaysfriendly.com

At the supermarket checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price for my cucumber. “Maybe the list is alphabetical,” 
I offered. So he started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q … Q … Q …” Charity McTarsney, Deltona, Florida

Give a man a fish, and he’ll 
Instagram it; teach a man to fish, and he’ll still Instagram it. @hipstermermaid

“Did you fall from heaven? Because there’s no tracking data on how you arrived at this location.” @Normwilner “I’d tap that.” @SanaSaeed “I know exactly where you have been all my life.” @Adonish_P From #NSAPickUpLines

plagiarism. Submitted by M. R.

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums. Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs. “No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.” “Why?” “When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”