My husband and I were relaxing on lounge chairs on a Jamaica beach, half listening to a couple walking ankle deep in the clear water. The woman was extolling the...
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Casting a Spell
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
@MattGoldich
Can’t believe the National Spelling Bee ended in a tye.
@MattGoldich
Common Ground
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
@DCpierson
The Olympics remind us that no matter what country we may be from, we all look dumb using an iPad as a camera.
@DCpierson
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
SEE ALL CATEGORIES
…And Your Little Blog, Too!
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
@Apocalypsehow
What if the whole ice-bucket challenge is just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?
@Apocalypsehow
Say it With Your Pants
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.
David Letterman
Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he’s wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige. David Letterman
You Get What You Pay For
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
@JoeToplyn
Dollar Tree bought Family Dollar for about $8 billion. It would have been $10 billion, but Family Dollar was dented.
@JoeToplyn
Cut and Run
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
@Bazecraze
The one thing I’ve learned from the World Cup is that Europe still hasn’t mastered the haircut.
@Bazecraze
Eve's Online Dating Profile
Eve
Sex: Female
Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented,
but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old
Location: Over by some ferns
Height: A tall vine
Weight: A bunch of sticks
Body Type: Only female type there is
Favorite music: Birds
Favorite movies: Birds
Favorite food: Birds
Hobbies: Being tempted, birds
Profession: Woman
Personality: VERY easily tempted
Turn-ons: Adam, birds
Income level: A handful of beautiful sticks
Looking for: The only other person in existence
From Science … For Her by Megan Amram (Scribner), copyright © 2014 by Megan Amram
Eve Sex: Female Age: About 15 minutes since I was invented, but I don’t look a minute over ten minutes old Location: Over by some ferns Height: A tall vine...
Warning Labels We can Really Use:
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”
Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”
Wikipedia: “Warning label does
not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”
Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”
From gcfl.net
Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.” Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.” Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”...
Glass Half Full (of Dung)
A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of manure. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
The optimist shouted, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and...
How do You Drown a Hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
Throw him into the mainstream.
Submitted by Jesse Rehn,
Green Bay, Wisconsin
New Year, Old Problems
It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman sitting alone, he says, “Pardon me, miss, did I step on your feet a few minutes ago?”
“Yes,” she says testily, “you did.”
“Good! I knew my table was around here somewhere.”
It’s New Year’s Eve, and the restaurant is hopping—revelers, band, overworked waiters. Wending his way through the crowd is a drunk, staggering back to his seat. Spotting an attractive woman...
“Where’s Aunt Florence?”
After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly relative was missing. “Where’s Aunt Florence?” she asked.
From across the room came a masculine drawl, “Oh, she’s with the kids, bridging the generation gap.”
Contributed by Florence M. Mortimer
After Thanksgiving dinner, the adults gathered in the living room to exchange reminiscences, while the children went into the family room to play. Suddenly our hostess noticed that an elderly...
Tollbooth Timer
I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After I said everything was A-okay, she told me a friend was coming for dinner. Then came the stumper. “If my friend just left from exit twelve,” she asked, “what time should I put the turkey in?”
Contributed by Sandra Shields
I worked on a toll road, answering the phone, collecting money and issuing toll tickets. One Thanksgiving Day, a woman called to ask about road conditions on the turnpike. After...
Guest Relations
Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject until we remembered we had a guest in our midst. There was an immediate, embarrassed silence.
“Please don’t worry about me,” she said. “I was brought up in a family too.”
Contributed by Garrison H. McClure
Our eldest daughter, Ann, invited her college roommate to join our large family for Thanksgiving dinner. As families sometimes do, we got into a lively argument over a trivial subject...
Holiday Heavyweights
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to the checker. “How can you stay so pleasant?”
“We can all count our blessings,” the clerk replied. “The hardest part of this job is the turkeys and the watermelons. I just thank God that Thanksgiving doesn’t come in July.”
Contributed by L. Proctor
The checkout clerk at the supermarket was unusually cheerful even though it was near closing time. “You must have picked up a ton of groceries today,” a customer said to...
Horn of Plenty
When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument “felt stuffy” and he couldn’t blow air through it. It’s not unusual to find partial blockages in brass instruments if small items get lodged in the tubing, but when I tested the instrument, the horn was completely blocked. After much probing and prodding, a small tangerine dropped out of the bell.
“Oh,” said the musician when I handed him the fruit. Seeing the bewildered look on my face, he explained, “My mom used the horn for a cornucopia in a Thanksgiving centerpiece.”
Contributed by Mark L. Madden
When a music student brought his French horn to my shop for repair, he complained that the instrument “felt stuffy” and he couldn’t blow air through it. It’s not unusual...
The Greatest Disguise
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks.
Jimmy Kimmel
Taken For a Ride
From a passenger of the Vacaville,
California, public bus company:
Dear Sir,
I would like to commend driver Lea
Schroeder for the following reasons:
1. She frequently doesn’t stop for me when I’m waiting at the bus stop, but she always waves as she goes by.
2. If she’s running behind, she tells me, “Sit your butt down,” in a courteous way.
3. She nearly comes to a complete stop now when I disembark, so I haven’t fallen in almost a week.
4. Although she usually gives me
wrong instructions on which bus to
take, I enjoy riding all around Vacaville on the different routes.
5. The way she suddenly starts and stops, rides the rear bumper of the car ahead, and pulls several Gs of force when she turns corners unfailingly
elevates my heart rate. This has obvious health benefits.
Once again, I would like to commend Lea Schroeder for her outstanding work.
Sincerely yours,
Robert V.
From Lea Schroeder, Vacaville, California, a bus driver with a great sense of humor
From a passenger of the Vacaville, California, public bus company: Dear Sir, I would like to commend driver Lea Schroeder for the following reasons: 1. She frequently doesn’t stop for...
Like Flower, Like Bud
As I entered the elevator
at our hospital, a disheveled-
looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.
I smiled knowingly and asked,
“Does he look like you?”
“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”
S. M. K., via mail
As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations. I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does...
Well, That's a Creative Answer…
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he wrote: “Approximately 30 feet.”
Fred Karn, Kearney, Missouri
A student seeking a job at our university was handed an application. He dutifully filled out his name and address. When it came to the entry “length of residence,” he...
Come Again, Eh?
Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project.
Client: “We want a total of eight
languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian ...”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Scene: My client telling me what was required for the project.
Client: “We want a total of eight
languages—English, French, Spanish, Canadian ...”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Incumbent Imbecile
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania,
recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a
woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had
bought her a beer.
“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”
“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”
James Landis,
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
Recently I heard the former mayor of Reading, Pennsylvania, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a...
"Oh, and It Doesn't Have Arms or Legs."
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked.
“Can you describe it?” I asked.
“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”
Charles Loeffler, Monument, Colorado
A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. “Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” I...
Start With a 5K…
One of our interns asked
another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k).
“I’m considering it,” replied the second intern.
Later, the first intern approached me looking concerned.
“I did the math,” she said, “and 401K is almost 250 miles. She’ll never make it!”
Rebekah Shue, Lancaster, Pennsylvania
One of our interns asked another if she was planning to sign up for the company’s 401(k). “I’m considering it,” replied the second intern. Later, the first intern approached me...
IT’S CLASSIFIED
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it:
• Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably
Source: Gettysburg Area Merchandiser
• Free: 5 kitchen drawers, all matching naughty pine fronts
Source: Topeka Capital-Journal
• Free Vain Screening
Source: Boston Globe
• Free rent in exchange for elderly woman
Source: 11points.com
Submitted by James Hutchinson, Carroll Valley, Pennsylvania; Faith Adams, Topeka, Kansas; Annetta Boisselle, Melrose, Massachusetts
Just because the items in these classified ads are free doesn’t mean they’re worth it: • Free: Piano with matching bench seat, very good condition, all keys work probably Source:...
Seen on an Online Forum:
“I hate audio correct.”
Aaron Fernando,
Richmond Hill, New York
“I hate audio correct.”
Aaron Fernando,
Richmond Hill, New York
Planedemonium
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved
reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane leveled off, so did the engines. Grabbing the armrests, she asked aloud, “Did we stop?”
Samantha Earls, Wister, Oklahoma
The first time my mother flew, she was a nervous wreck. During takeoff, the roar from the engines proved reassuring—it meant they were working, she reasoned. But when the plane...
For My Next Impression…
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me.
“Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said.
“Hi, Eddie,” she replied.
“So you do remember me?” I asked.
“Sure. You don’t always leave a good impression, but it is a lasting one.”
Edward McMurray, Wayne, Michigan
I’m now in high school, so when I ran into my third-grade teacher, I doubted she would remember me. “Hi, Miss Butcher,” I said. “Hi, Eddie,” she replied. “So you...
Malapropisms on Twitter
“Time heals all wombs.”
“The seizure salad … is so good.”
“I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?”
Source: twitter.com
“Time heals all wombs.”
“The seizure salad … is so good.”
“I have no clue why people don’t like hammy downs … Who doesn’t like free clothes?”
Source: twitter.com
Believe Me, I Would if I Could.
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I
removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”
S. W., via mail
My three-year-old sat in the bathroom with me, watching as I removed my dentures and brushed them. After a few minutes, he asked, “Can you take your ears off too?”...
The Scale of The Situation
We were stocking up on
green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl
helping us for 15 pounds’ worth.
“I can only sell you ten pounds of beans,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because my scale only goes up to ten pounds.”
Kerri Ingle, Shelby, Ohio
We were stocking up on green beans at the farmers’ market when we asked the young girl helping us for 15 pounds’ worth. “I can only sell you ten pounds...
Department of Manic Voices
The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the
window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you crazy?”
She shook her head. “We call it job security.”
Alan Cliburn, Van Nuys, California
The DMV was as crowded and noisy as ever. When I finally got to the window, I asked the clerk, “Does the never-ending line of loud people ever drive you...
That's Not How it Works, Dad.
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”
Rachel Hester, Clover, South Carolina
Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind...
I Owe My Life to Justin Bieber…
... I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of
his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up
to turn it off.
… I was in a coma for two years, until a nurse played one of his songs on the radio in my room, and I had to wake up to...
Back To The Cleaners
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
@JoshGondelman
My biggest problem with time travel is: How many days would you pack for?
@JoshGondelman
Grammar Kills
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice
willing to work long, hard hours.
He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”
The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith.
The village blacksmith hired an enthusiastic new apprentice willing to work long, hard hours. He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it...
Metal Bands For Kids
Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth
graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see:
• Rage Against the Curfew
• Food Fighters
• Electric Night-Light Orchestra
• Alice in Time-Out
• Math Test Dummies
• Pre-KC and the Sunshine Band
• Onesie Direction
From humorlabs.com
Unlocking The Truth, a heavy metal band made up of eighth graders, recently signed a $1.7 million contract with Sony. Here are more kid bands we’re bound to see: •...
Or Maybe While Breakdancing
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
The worst time to have a heart
attack is during a game of charades.
Demetri Martin
Poor Sports
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team.
“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”
“I blame the players,” said the
second fan. “If they made more of
an effort, we’d score some points.”
“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Seattle,
I’d be supporting a decent team.”
Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of their football team. “I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”...
Bad, Better, Best
3 Musketeers is a good name
for a chocolate bar, but a bad name
for an Army division.
Shout is a good name for
a stain remover, but a better name
for a senior citizen home.
PetSmart is a good name for
a pet store, but the best name
for a university.
Andy Simmons
3 Musketeers is a good name for a chocolate bar, but a bad name for an Army division. Shout is a good name for a stain remover, but a better...
Dubious Accomplishment #23
I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
From humorlabs.com
I don’t want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but
I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
From humorlabs.com
A Colorful Diet
My parents used to stuff
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.
Wendy Liebman
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata. Wendy...
The Better Paleo Diet
I’m on the Paleo diet,
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
@rexhuppke
I’m on the Paleo diet,
except I’m the caveman who discovered Snickers.
@rexhuppke
You Are What Your Eat
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
Rob O’Reilly
A Holiday Quiz
“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
Halloween or
Valentine’s Day?
@aaronfullerton
“Pretend to be someone you’re
not, and receive candy.” Quick:
Halloween or
Valentine’s Day?
@aaronfullerton
I'm a Busy Ghost, People
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?”
I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?
Jerry Seinfeld
People always ask kids the same stupid questions. “What are you supposed to be?” I’m supposed to be done by now. You wanna move it along with the 3 Musketeers?...
A Fun-Size Quibble
When it comes
to candy bars, the term fun-sized
is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call them what they are:
“disappointment-sized.”
Jimmy Kimmel
When it comes to candy bars, the term fun-sized is misleading. There is nothing fun about your candy bar being ⅛ the size of a regular bar. You should call...
The Face of Deception
“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar
Myq Kaplan
“I have a beard.” —a bald-faced liar
Myq Kaplan
The Real Reason For Shaving Cream
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard …
or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
Jackie Flynn
Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard …
or is it just so you don’t lose your place?
Jackie Flynn
When is Your Beard Too Long?
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!”
Ron Babcock
When the comments turn from “Hey! I really like your beard!” into “Hey! … A beard!”
Ron Babcock
Facial Deduction
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?”
No, I shave my photos.
Sean Morey
Some guy’s looking at this old picture of me with no beard. Then he looks at me and goes, “You grow a beard?” No, I shave my photos. Sean Morey
Pick a 'Vember, Any 'Vember
While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.
@ChrisThayerSays
While you’re honoring Movember by not shaving for prostate cancer awareness, I’ll be celebrating Doughvember, the pizza month I made up.
@ChrisThayerSays
The Spirit of Movember
I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for
how lazy I am.
Tim Siedell
I won’t be shaving this November, in order to raise awareness for
how lazy I am.
Tim Siedell
"Who Doesn't Love Pork Fat?"
Boss to underling: “When I
told you that you smelled like bacon grease, it was a compliment.”
Source: overheardintheoffice.com
Boss to underling: “When I
told you that you smelled like bacon grease, it was a compliment.”
Source: overheardintheoffice.com
Idiots Abroad
The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded:
• A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a stone wanted assurance that
it would not happen again.
• A man asked consular staff in Stockholm to check the credentials of a woman whom he had met online.
• A man asked staff in Rome to translate a phrase for a tattoo that he
wanted.
Source: gov.uk
The British foreign office helps Brits traveling abroad. Here are some odder requests they’ve fielded: • A man who was hospitalized in Cambodia when a monkey hit him with a...
Miles and Gigabytes Away
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
@Bridger_w
Right now, I’m at work, using the Internet. But in my mind, I’m already at home, using the Internet.
@Bridger_w
Bad Typos in Real Newspapers
We all make mistakes. Some
are just more public than others,
like these real newspaper typos:
“Here the bridal couple stood,
facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto News-Herald (California)
“It took many rabbits many years to write the Talmud.” Holland Evening Sentinel (Michigan)
“Mrs. ____ fell down stairs at her home this morning, breaking her myhodudududududududosy, and suffered painful injuries.” Ohio paper
“A headline in an item in the
Feb. 15th edition incorrectly stated ‘Stolen Groceries.’ It should have read: ‘Homicide.’” Enquirer-Bulletin
From Just My Typo, by Drummond Moir
(Three Rivers Press)
We all make mistakes. Some are just more public than others, like these real newspaper typos: “Here the bridal couple stood, facing the floral setting, and exchanged cows.” Modesto...
Yo Quiero a Clean Criminal Record
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
From notalwaysworking.com
Scene: Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
[Two weeks later …]
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
From notalwaysworking.com
Our Office Needs a 3D Printer
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of
an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the Xerox machine.
Gordon Knight, Stamford, Connecticut
Our boss asked the new mail-room guy to make three copies of an office key. The guy returned ten minutes later with the copies … which he’d made on the...
Shane. My Office. Now.
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him:
“Shane, stop putting Some
Assembly Required stickers on
the eight-piece chickens.”
“Shane, any free samples you
give must come from the deli, not electronics.”
“Shane, when a customer asks where to find a product, give them an aisle number, not directions to
Albertsons.”
Source: foodbeast.com
Shane works in the deli department of a large supermarket chain, where he often finds himself in trouble. Just look at the notes management has supposedly written to him: “Shane,...
Air Force Truisms
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.”
“The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
“Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”
“Airspeed, altitude, and brains: Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.”
“Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.” “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.” “Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.”...
Head to the Dentist
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of a toilet.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Hazing the new guy,” he said with a grin.
“You do know that he could get ill from the bacteria on the toilet.”
His reply was quick and to the point: “You didn’t.”
Jeffrey S. Carr, Jacksonville, North Carolina
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when my squad leader barged in. He was holding a toothbrush, which he proceeded to use to scrub underneath the rim of...
Terrified: The Only Way to Fly
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly
from New York
to Tokyo in one
hour. Apparently,
the engines are
powered by
human screams.
Seth Meyers
Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human...
A Moment of Reflection
I shave each morning in front
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than
it actually appears.
Submitted by Philip Rogers,
Latham, New York
I shave each morning in front
of my car’s passenger-side mirror. That way, I get a closer shave than
it actually appears.
Submitted by Philip Rogers,
Latham, New York
Put-Downs Down Under
A Briton flies into Australia
and is asked by the immigration
officer, “Do you have any felony
convictions?”
The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
A Briton flies into Australia and is asked by the immigration officer, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “Sorry. I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”
Start Over, Por Favor?
After 12 years of therapy,
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”
Comedian Ronnie Shakes
After 12 years of therapy,
my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo Inglés.”
Comedian Ronnie Shakes
A Bargain You Shouldn't Pass Over
A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers to put a more
positive spin on the sales pitch:
• “A home suited for free spirits”
• “Mostly not haunted”
• “113-year-old Victorian, still cared for by original owners”
• “A place for all your possessions”
• “This house has good bones”
• “Your kids will make new friends”
A Pennsylvania couple had trouble selling their home after strange apparitions and sounds forced them to admit in their ad that it was “slightly haunted.” The Week asked its readers...
From Your Lips to God’s…Lips
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
@IamEnidColeslaw
In Heaven, you get back all the Chapsticks you lost.
@IamEnidColeslaw
All Dolled Up
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.
“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never
argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”
Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.
“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money
I made from selling the dolls.”
A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her...
A Grave Encounter
After trick-or-treating,
a teen takes a shortcut home
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost,”
says the relieved teen. “What are you
doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Submitted by S. K., via Internet
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an...
Prepare for Takeoff
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
Comedian Sean O’Connor
Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?
Comedian Sean O’Connor
Heading Off Criticism
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines:
Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement to Help Homeless
Response: “Are you people idiots? What the homeless need are homes, not ten tons of additional pavement!”
Headline: Maryland Agrees to
Tobacco Settlement
Response: “Well, that’s all we
need—an entire settlement of people devoted to their cancer sticks. What’s next, a drunk-driving commune?”
Headline: C.C. United Se Une
Hoy a Campana Solidaria Pro
Centroamerica
Response: “I was disgusted with
the sloppy spelling for [this] article. There were so many typos, I couldn’t understand a word.”
From gcfl.net
Think the comments on Internet posts are tough? See what happened when the Washington Post asked its readers to write intentionally angry letters to actual headlines: Headline: 20,000 Pound Pavement...