Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist: “$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, 
and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into 
the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.

While taking stock of our 
products, I read aloud the final 
numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device. Only after 
I’d finished did we realize that he had entered the numbers on his 
desk phone’s keypad. David Marland, on quora.com

The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus. Jimmy Fallon

While on maneuvers in the 
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help. “Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him. “Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.” Jesse Joe Wingo, Gaylord, Michigan

During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and 
I was right, because suddenly, he 
fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!” John DiFeliciantonio, 
Ventnor City, New Jersey

After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and 
let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we 
took our seats, I handed programs 
to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.” From gcfl.net

A few years back, a woman wanted 
to use the word acorns. What 
she wrote instead was egg corns, 
and ever since, linguists have had 
a new toy: eggcorns, words and phrases that people screw up: • Social leopard (social leper) • Mute point (moot point) • Skimp milk (skimmed milk) • Youthamism (euphemism) • 
Holidays sauce 
(Hollandaise sauce) Sources: the Eggcorn Database and theguardian.com

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live 
pain-free in their golden years. “Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked. “Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.” Dennis McClanahan, Buckner, Missouri

I’m at the age where I can’t take anything with a grain of salt. Submitted by comedian Matt Wohlfarth

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.” “I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said. “Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.” From @ab1kenobe on reddit.com

I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.” Source: acidcow.com

Febreze air fresheners: for people who are like, “Cover a smell instead of cleaning it? Yes, I’m OK with that.” Erin Whitehead @girlwithatail

My kitchen floor is sticky, and 
I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers. Sarah Silverman

Oh man, just did some serious cleaning in here. You could 
totally eat off this table. Matthew O’Brien @mattOB34

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker. Zach Galifianakis

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of. Sam Morril

Stoop sale this Sunday, 12 to 4 p.m. 
Throwing all my crap in the 
garbage this Sunday, 4:15 p.m. Ritch Duncan @ritchied

Food blogs are rife with pressing questions, helpful hints, and caustic comments from readers. One site took a jaundiced look at what one might expect to find on such boards. • “I don’t eat white flour, so I tried making it with raw almonds that I’d activated by chewing with my mouth open to receive direct sunlight, and it turned out terrible. This recipe is terrible.” • “I don’t have an oven; can 
I still make this? Please reply 
immediately.” • “A warning that if you 
cook this at 275°F for three hours instead of at 400°F for 
25 minutes, it’s completely 
ruined. Do you have any 
suggestions?” Mallory Ortberg, on the-toast.net

Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it. @meganamram

The star of Cake Boss was 
arrested for DWI. Police interrogated him for 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Comedian Joe Toplyn

Two men have been ice fishing 
all day. One has had no luck, while the other has pulled out a ton of fish. “What’s your secret?” asks the 
unlucky fisherman. “Mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply. “I’m sorry; what did you say?” “Mmmmm mmm mm mmm.” “I still didn’t understand you.” The lucky fisherman spits something into his hand and says slowly and clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm.”

I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone. @clarkekant

The latest parenting fads, 
according to the Onion: • Couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become 
a partner in a successful law firm. • Parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician. • As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, strength-training, and yoga techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their wombs, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.

The cool part about naming 
your kid is you don’t have to add 
six numbers to make sure the name 
is available. @billmurray

I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others. Comedian Mitch Hedberg

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, “I love you.” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking 
to the wine.” Submitted by Marvin Keeler, 
Salina, Kansas

When I spotted a Navy captain 
on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II. The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.” “What’s an LMD?” I asked. “Large mahogany desk.” Michael Ciavolino, Bel Air, Maryland

The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. Source: urcaptainspekin.com

A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting 
unexplainable wind shifts. “Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked. “Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.” Angelo Giordano, Bellevue, Nebraska

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents: Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL. Son: Why is that funny? Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean? Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud. Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back. ~ Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry. Mom: WTF! Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means? Mom: Well That’s Fantastic. ~ Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean? Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later. Mom: OK, I will ask your sister. Source: lifebuzz.com

A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her 
into the empty men’s room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, “I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.” Raymond V. Packouz, Lake Oswego, Oregon

When I bought beer at the 
grocery store, the clerk asked for 
my birthdate. I said, “10-3-60.” Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?” David Phenix, Columbia, South Carolina

The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it. “It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ” Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon

Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She answered, “I do.” Michael Jordan, Moss Point, Mississippi

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one that has no roast beef.” Gary Neal, Clearwater, Florida

Scene: Me using the Siri app on my iPhone. Me: Siri, call my wife. Siri: Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts. Me: Samantha Gibbs is my wife. Siri: I’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife. Me: Call my wife. Siri: Which wife? Taylor Gibbs, Visalia, California

The head of the TSA resigned after about four years on the job. Here’s how much of America heard the news. “[John Pistole retired today.] His employees toasted him with less than three ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch, and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.” —Conan O’Brien, on Conan “He actually stepped down a while ago, but he’s been going through 
security for three and a half years.” —Jimmy Fallon, on The Tonight Show

Employee #1: I wouldn’t eat caviar. That’s fish eggs! Employee #2: I’d try it. After all, I eat chicken eggs. Employee #3: You eat chicken eggs?! Source: overheardintheoffice.com

Thinking of skipping work? Don’t try these real excuses—they didn’t work the first time. • My false teeth flew out the window while I was driving down the highway. • I quit smoking and I’m grouchy. • My favorite football team lost 
on Sunday, so I needed Monday to 
recover. • I received a threatening phone 
call from the electric company and needed to report it to the FBI. • I got lost and ended up in a 
different state. From careerbuilder.com

I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I had to do it only three times a week. This every-day thing is overkill. @Popcorngoddess1

My teenage patient’s mother was concerned. “He must have a temperature,” she said. “He hasn’t taken our motorcycle out all day.” “Let me ask you,” I said. “Do you have a thermometer?” “No,” she said. “A Kawasaki.” Craig Ray, Johns Creek, Georgia

“Why did you choose a college so far from home?” I asked my British student. She explained that she’d fallen 
in love with the American West by watching Westerns. So when it came time to apply for colleges, she Googled “Western universities.” And that’s how she ended up here, at Western Carolina University. Bill Spencer, Cullowhee, North Carolina

• Never try to tell everything you know. It may take too short a time. —Norman Ford • Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office. —Shirley Maclaine • Never board 
a commercial 
aircraft if the 
pilot is wearing 
a tank top. —Dave Barry • Never be in a 
hurry to terminate a marriage. You 
may need this person to finish a sentence. —Erma Bombeck • Never argue with a doctor; he has inside information. —Bob Elliott and Ray Goulding • Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level; it’s cheaper. —Quentin 
Crisp

If the Ten Commandments were Written by Popular Websites... I. What You Need to Know Now About the Lord Totally Being God II. At the Beginning He Had Me Confused, but by Minute Two I Knew that I Shouldn’t Have Other Gods III. Are You Making This Common Mistake with Graven Images? IV. How I Work: Read This Life Hack from God, Your Only Creator V. She Admitted to Doing What Every Sunday? VI. Seven Morning Habits of People Holier than You: #7 No Killing Before Lunch VII. 37 Things in Your Bedroom That You Need to Get Rid of Right Now, Like Adulteresses VIII. What the Government Doesn’t Want You to Know About Stealing Your Neighbor’s Servants IX. This Little Girl Bore False Witness, and the Results Will Shock You X. Doctors Hate Her, but You Shouldn’t Covet Her From DAVID TATE, on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, mcsweeneys.net

A farmer counted 196 cows in 
the field. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

On an icy, bitter-cold day, Hank visited Lou. “I had a rough time getting here,” said Hank. “For every step forward, I slipped back two.” “If you slid back two steps for 
every one you took forward, how’d you get here?” asked Lou. “I almost didn’t. But then I said to myself, Forget it. So I turned around and started home.” Submitted by Freda Sloat, Tuxedo, New York

Do you still rock out to eight-track tapes? Then you’ll dig these band names for aging musicians: • Counting Crows Feet • R.E.Member? • Nine Inch Toenails • Hair Supply • Minivan Morrison • The Early Byrds • WalkDMC From Dave Pell of nextdraft.com, on medium.com

The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest honors purposely lousy opening sentences for nonexistent novels. This entry from finalist Phillip Davies of Cardiff, Wales, gave us a very real laugh: “Finally, after 97 long days adrift, Captain Pertwee was 
rescued, mercifully ending his miserable diet of rainwater and strips of sun-dried Haddock—which was 
actually far ghastlier than it sounded, what with George Haddock being 
his former first mate.”

  The satisfactory.

On the first night of their 
honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the 
husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.” Submitted by Justin Ezzi, 
Wilmington, California

You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger. Robert Paul

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box 
of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of 
Band-Aids and said, “You two share.” Steven Wright

Christmas is a baby shower that 
went totally 
overboard. Andy Borowitz

The holiday 
season:
a deeply religious 
time that each of us 
observes, in his own way, by going to the 
 mall of his choice. Dave Barry

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.” Bernard Manning

This mall 
Santa seems insulted that I put down that protective paper before sitting on his lap. Conan O'Brien

Professionals at the staffing agency Robert Half International have seen a lot of peculiar résumés. Here are some favorite gaffes, followed by wisecracks from the pros: • Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.” (The pajama party starts at 7 p.m.) • Tools: “Human brain 1.0.” (We’ll wait for the upgrade.) • References: “My landscaper.” 
(A reference who will give you two green thumbs up.) • Date of Employment: “2002–9999.” (She’s earned her gold watch!) • Experience: “Worked successfully on a team of one.” (I assume you all got along?) From resumania.com and Robert Half

The office Christmas party 
is a great opportunity to catch up 
with people you haven’t seen for 
20 minutes. @juliussharpe

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know. “Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since 
I don’t understand Chinese, I’m not your best option. You need someone who is fluent in this specific language. See?” He said he did and thanked me. The next morning, I got a call from another developer asking, “Why is 
So-and-So asking us if we’re fluent 
in Chinese?” From clientsfromhell.net

You’re sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993? From meetingboy.com

At the age of 55, I finally got 
my bachelor’s degree and set out to 
become a substitute teacher. One day, a seventh grader asked if I’d been teaching long. “Actually, I’m brand-new,” I told him. “I just graduated.” Looking me up and down, he asked, “How long were you in college?” Debi Brim, Indianapolis, Indiana

My husband is infantry, and 
he said the most wonderful things 
to convince me to marry him: • The closets could all be mine since he wears the same thing every day. • I could have as many babies as 
I want because giving birth is free. • He would never get on my nerves, because he would always be gone. Mollie Gross 
(molliegross.com) is the author of Confessions 
of a Military Wife, published by Savas Beatie.

Humankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there. Source: propilots.org

We were an Air Force family, but our son could not grasp that 
fact. Anytime someone asked what his father did, he’d say, “He’s in the Army.” I told him umpteen times, “Stop telling people I’m in the Army!” It finally seemed to hit home because on the admittance form 
for kindergarten, under “father’s 
profession,” the teacher wrote, “He doesn’t know what his father does, but he’s not in the Army.” R. Wayne Edwards, Somerville, Texas

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold. I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.” Phil Noyes, Yakima, Washington

A friend was ordering her meal at a drive-through when she noticed she could get a side dish gratis. “And I’ll take the free wiffie also,” she said. “What?” asked the clerk. “The free wiffie,” she said, pointing to the sign. “Ma’am, that’s ‘Free Wi-Fi.’ ” Christie Peldo, Yacolt, Washington

Recently, I woke up to find that two of my car’s tires had been stolen. When the police officer arrived, he asked, “When were you last driving the car?” “Last night at 11:00,” I said. “And the tires were on it then?” Jeremy Rice, Englewood, Florida

Scene: A secondhand movie 
exchange ... Me: Do you have the DVD of 
Sharknado? Clerk: Is that a documentary? Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.” They’ll probably laugh later. Homer Adams, Nashville, Tennessee

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.” Matthew Cole, Plant City, Florida