What should you do when 
you see an endangered animal 
eating an endangered plant? George Carlin

“Halt!” shouted our drill 
instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the 
directionally challenged Marine 
and stomped on his left foot. “Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the 
one that hurts.” Wayne Schroeder, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

My son was born while I was serving abroad, so he was three 
before we met. When I got home, I decided it was time for a little father-son bonding time. I bought him a 
toy razor and invited him to “shave” with me. In the bathroom, I took 
up my razor and started shaving. 
I looked around to see how my son was doing. His foot was up on the side of the bathtub, and he was 
running the razor up and down 
his leg. So much for male bonding. James F. Day, Prichard, West Virginia

One of the most popular questions asked at our family restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” Now, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So 
I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband. He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.” From gcfl.net

I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” Cindy Mauro, West Milford, New Jersey

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these: • How much does Mount McKinley weigh? • Would the lightning be faster if 
it didn’t zigzag? • What do you do with the snow when it melts? Source: msn.com

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. 
The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back. We tried S123 several times, but 
it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.” A. R., via Internet

My daughter Amy was holding down two jobs: The first was as a manicurist at a salon; the other was raking leaves for a housing development. One day, she came back from lunch at the raking job to find a note. Her boss, who didn’t know about 
her other job, had taken down this phone message: “Amy, you have a man to cure on Thursday at three.” Nancy Billings, Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts

• “Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting, Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing.”    —Paula Deen • “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”    —Taylor Swift • “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.”    —Christian Grey From humorlabs.com

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. 
A stone’s throw away, in fact. Stewart Francis

Q: Why did the chicken go to the 
séance? A: To get to the other side.

• “I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work • The 100 Worst Senators • The World’s 10 Most Powerful Women: We Make Them Discuss Fashion and Lindsay Lohan Source: The Onion Magazine: The Iconic Covers That Transformed an Undeserving World (Little, Brown)

Gary was having a yard sale. 
A minister bought a lawn mower 
but returned it a few days later, 
complaining that it wouldn’t run. “It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you 
have to curse at it to get it started.” The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.” “Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.” Submitted by LaVerne Lauterbach, Lansing, Michigan

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

• Q: 
What’s the name of a 
six-sided polygon? A: Sixagon. • Q: 
What part of the body is 
affected by glandular fever? A: The glandular. • Q: 
In The Tempest, why does 
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear? A: 
She’s a mermaid and wants to be human. • Q: 
In comparison with large 
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons? A: They’re smaller. • Q: 
Who were the Bolsheviks? A: A Russian ballet company. From F in Exams: Pop Quiz, 
by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?” Swati Khatri, New Delhi, India

Any time a person with a journalism degree writes a story about 
a celebrity getting bangs, Walter Cronkite punches an angel. @JENNYJOHNSONHi5

My granddaughter was 
graduating from college, so I asked about any plans she had for the 
future. She hadn’t any, but she 
did know this much: “I certainly don’t want to sit in one of those 
cubicles and think all day.” B. O., via Internet

...was spotted on a billboard ad for the law office of Larry L. Archie: “Just because you did it doesn’t mean you’re guilty.” Source: funnyordie.com

• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.” • “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ” • “So ... you’re talking to me only 
because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?” Source: the Landlord Protection Agency (thelpa.com)

An applicant for an open 
teaching job submitted a résumé. Under the heading Qualities and Skills, she listed, “Impeachable 
character and integrity.” M. O., via Internet

“Now hiring,” read the classified ad. “Cemetery superintendent. The ideal candidate must be able to supervise in a fast-paced environment.” A. S., via Internet

My favorite game  is “Professional Dog Walker or Crazy Person?” @KenJennings

We were making leaflets for a 
local church, and the client wanted 
a logo designed with Earth being shielded by the hand of God. I sent the client a proof. Shortly thereafter, 
I got a call. Client: The hand looks too human. Please use a hand that looks more like God’s. Source: clientsfromhell.net

It was sheer brilliance. The ship’s operations officer entered 
the messdeck, his eyes bleary and at half-mast. He grabbed a bagel and took a seat. Unfortunately, the sun was shining through a porthole right onto his face. Rather than move, he called the bridge: “Hey,” he said, “can you shift the ship 15 degrees? Thanks.” Source: abovetopsecret.com

Students are great about 
sending our troops letters, and the troops love ’em. You can see why: “Dear Soldier, If you’re having 
a rough day, remember the most 
important thing in life is to be 
yourself. Unless you can be Batman.” “Dear Veterans, You rock more than AC/DC or Metallica or Red 
Hot Chili Peppers.” “I am so happy you are risking your life for the USA! My grandpa Bob was in the Navy. Now he likes peanuts.” Source: uniformstories.com

As he got his diaper changed, Daniel looked down and said, 
“I have a wee-wee. Daddy has 
a wee-wee.” “That’s right,” said his mother. “That’s because you’re both boys. Do you know what 
mommies have? Daniel did: “Earrings.” From I Am So Full of Happy Today 
by Martin Nedergaard Anderson and Moira Tuffy (Borgen Publishers)

After catching her five-year-old son Lucas trying to pull a fast one, his mother demanded, “Do you think I have idiot written on my forehead?” Lucas answered, “I don’t know. I can’t read.” From I Am So Full of Happy Today 
by Martin Nedergaard Anderson and Moira Tuffy (Borgen Publishers)

During a Pilates class, our thin teacher apologized to one of her larger students for blocking her view of herself in the mirror. “Don’t worry,” the woman said. “I can see myself on either side of you.” Amanda Barton, Derby, England

During a visit with my grandmother, my husband noticed a birthday card from a local funeral parlor. “That was nice of them,” he said. She was unimpressed. “They only want me for my body,” she grumbled. Carmen Schmeiser, Normal, Illinois

A hotel minibar allows you to 
see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. Comedian Rich Hall

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?” The pianist replied, “Most of them.” Judy Scheffel, Alpharetta, Georgia

There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. Source: The Dowager Countess (Maggie Smith), 
on Downton Abbey

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!” His reply: “I can only dream.” Sylvia Cardenas, 
Hacienda Heights, California

As I waited for my luggage 
at the airport, a man lifted my 
suitcase off the baggage carousel. “Excuse me,” I shouted. “That’s 
my suitcase.” The man shot back defensively, “Well, somebody took mine!” C. S., via Internet

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. 
It might have had something to 
do with how she completed this 
sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.” She wrote: “Driver.” Nathan Hellman, Brooklyn, New York

Try an internship! Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck. Stephen Colbert

Being a lifeguard is a weird summer job for a kid. Ninety-nine percent of the time, sit and do nothing. One percent of the time, SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE. Jake Weisman (@weismanjake)

This summer, I’m going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them. Demetri Martin

L.A. public pools don’t have lifeguards—[they] have life coaches. If they see you struggling in the water, they say, “Are you happy with the decisions you’re making?” and give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio. Craig Ferguson

I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter. Melanie Reno

• There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She got her own TLC show. The end. —Ryan Anderson 
(@kolchak)   • I have never worked out the moral to Humpty Dumpty. Is it, “Don’t let horses perform medical procedures”?  —Ricky Gervais   • Cinderella’s 
fairy godmother turned her rags into a gown, mice into horses, and 
a pumpkin into endless lattes for her and her BFFs to enjoy. • Old McDonald was dyslexic, 
I-E-I-E-O.  —Billy Connolly   • And every six months, she would trade in her aging sheep for a new one. Because without a little lamb, Mary didn’t know who she was.    —@andrewhibbard   • My wife said she wanted 
a “fairy-tale romance,” so I’ve locked her in a tower. —@tonycowards

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper? Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the 
sentences you apparently 
kidnapped in the dead of night 
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims? “In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.” “I didn’t think the speed limit 
applied after midnight.” “The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.” Source: businessball.com

My husband was at a dinner with colleagues, and one of them had too much to drink. Feeling drowsy, the poor man sank back into his chair and said, “I don’t feel good. I’m 
going into screen saver mode.” L. Y., via Internet

While teaching at a veterinary college, I ordered a few books for our library. One was George Orwell’s 
Animal Farm. When I went to take it out, I discovered that the librarian had placed the book in the section for dairy and poultry. Jacob Cheeran, Thrissur, India  

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, 
demanding a refund. Client: You did my tattoo backward! Tattoo artist: It’s backward? Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now! Source: clientsfromhell.net

My boss was watching a video of his son. I heard a voice in the background and asked if it was Elmo. 
It was his wife. Source: fmylife.com

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?” William Umberson, San Diego, California

When my husband, James Rowles, was in the seminary, he was invited to preach at a small rural church. However, the man who was to introduce him to the congregation had trouble pronouncing his name. So James 
offered this verbal clue: “Remember rolls, like hot buttered rolls.” It worked. When it came time 
for the introduction, the man announced, “We are pleased to have with us the Reverend James Biscuits.” Ruth Rowles, Halifax, Virginia

Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. Comedian Paul Rodriguez

My friend, an Air Force officer, was riding his scooter when he passed an airman who didn’t salute. My friend stopped, turned around, and glared at the airman. “Thanks for coming back for me,” the airman said, jumping on the back of the scooter. “Airmen’s mess, sir.” Savita Singh, Noida, India

I was working in Army security when a VIP from another base called to ask to whom he should address an important letter. Knowing my tough-to-spell last name would give him fits, I said, “Just put down Sergeant Gary, as my last name is too hard.” The next day, I received a letter addressed to Sgt. Gary Toohard. G. C., via mail

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!” Tracy Vance, Ocala, Florida

As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma 
Marie the same.” Jennifer Shafer, Durham, North Carolina

Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A. Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk. Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white. Paul Silverman, Mohegan Lake, New York

MapQuest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. Aaron Karo, from ruminations.com

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since. @trmiller1326, from reddit.com

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.” Carol Burks, Providence, Rhode Island

A friend knew that she’d overdone it with the gifts and candy last Easter when her six-year-old woke up to all the booty and shouted, “This is the best Christmas ever!” Chris McDonough, Wilmington, Delaware

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 
stubborn.” He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.” Angie Kiem, Irwin, Iowa

The Laugh Factory in Los 
Angeles invited comedians from around the globe to join its Funniest Person in the World Contest. Here are some finalists: • In Paris, I am driving a Smart car, you know, the very tiny one. But I don’t do it much, because it’s too dangerous. I could get run over by a pedestrian.    Mustapha El Atrassi, France • Have you noticed that all bottled water has the “best before” date printed on it? The water has circled the earth for four billion years … 
but now it’s ruined?   Ismo Leikola, Finland • This is the tenth anniversary of my comedy career. It’s also the anniversary of my father begging me not to do comedy. Nitin Mirani, United Arab Emirates

We can’t all live on a street with a pleasant name like Oak or Elm. Here are the least popular street names (that we hope don’t exist): • Drinkand Dr. • Vicious Circle • West 943,185th Street • Psycho Path • Peoples Ct. • Nofriggin Way From humorlabs.com

A zookeeper is ordering new 
animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese.” That doesn’t look right, so he tries “two mongoose,” then “two mongooses.” Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.” Submitted by M. S., via Internet

I work out religiously—Christmas and Easter. Submitted by comedian Matthew Wohlfarth

A Scottish mother visits her 
son in his New York City apartment and asks, “How do you find the Americans, Donald?” “Mother,” says Donald, “they’re such noisy people. One neighbor won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.” “Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?” “What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.” Submitted by Noah Jorgensen, 
Silsbee, Texas

• If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating? • What is the sound of no hands texting? • If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self? • To see a man’s true face, look to the 
photos he hasn’t posted. Brandon Specktor

“Has your diet changed?” 
I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital. “Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave 
up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.” L.K., via Internet

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who’s boss. @rmfnord

Religion is generally a verboten topic for everyone at work, except 
for Larry. Recently, after he steered yet another conversation toward the subject, a coworker whispered to me, “That Larry—he always has to put his two saints in.” Mark Latessa, Brownstown, Michigan