Coffee tastes better if the latrines are dug downstream from an encampment.
Source: milhist.net
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
Zero Smarts Thirty
While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should
expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then opened the floor to questions.
A lieutenant stood up and asked, “Is that 24 hours our time or 24 hours their time?”
Jesse Kane, Iowa City, Iowa
While in Kuwait, shortly before we deployed to Iraq, a major general told our meeting that we should expect to cross “into Iraq in less than 24 hours.” He then...
Expanding Inventory
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.
“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”
Sally Thorinson, Ferndale, Washington
I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner...
Get more jokes, puns and riddles
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Parenting Is Easy—I Swear!
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word,
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
Comedian Mark Chalifoux
The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the jar, and...
#IGotBusted
Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share
the most embarrassing times they got caught.
“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop
monitor.”
“I lied and told my dad school
was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see
a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”
“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”
Source: The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught. “I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed...
A Wee Little Triumph
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down,
she threw her arms in the air
and yelled in excitement, “I went potty all by myself, and now I can
go to Harvard!”
Jan and Jack McCloskey,
San Francisco, California
Try as she might, our granddaughter couldn’t grasp the concept of potty training. Then one day … Success! Jumping up and down, she threw her arms in the air and...
Squeaky Clean
My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s
so disgusting!”
“What are you going to do?”
I asked.
“I’m not sure. But you can bet I’ll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore.”
Kirsten Lauth, Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
My friend called me in hysterics. “I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!” she yelled. “I’m so grossed out! It’s so disgusting!” “What are you going to do?” I...
A Horse Of A Different Species
Scene: Horseback-riding stable.
Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter.
Me: Our horses are very sweet ...
Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over there? It’s the perfect size for her!
Me: Um … that’s a goat.
From notalwaysright.com
Scene: Horseback-riding stable. Mom: Those horses are awfully big for my daughter. Me: Our horses are very sweet … Mom: Don’t you have something smaller? What about that one over...
Tiptoe Through The Typos
Gauging from these exam
excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés.
“The costumes were vindictive
of the style of dance.”
“I commend Bill T. Jones for
his acts of true kindness and
selfishness.”
“Dancers must have long limps.”
“At first, I had a hard time
understanding and interrupting
his movement.”
“Savion Glover’s purpose is to cross all racial and ethical barriers with his dance.”
Kathy Dubois, Onalaska, Wisconsin
Gauging from these exam excerpts, my college dance students had better stick with pliés. “The costumes were vindictive of the style of dance.” “I commend Bill T. Jones for his...
Strapped For Cash
During college, I worked on
a conveyor belt. One day, I was
on a blind date, and she asked me about my job.
“I work at the end of a belt,” I said.
With an ebullient smile, she asked, “Are you the buckle?”
Skip Parker, Reno, Nevada
During college, I worked on a conveyor belt. One day, I was on a blind date, and she asked me about my job. “I work at the end of a...
Despite All His Rage…
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”
From Rolling Stone
Billy Corgan, the lead singer of the rock band Smashing Pumpkins, on the perils of life as a rock star: “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock...
Easier Said Than Done
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
From clientsfromhell.net
Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.
From clientsfromhell.net
A Trashy Career
“Has your son decided what
he wants to be when he grows up?”
I asked my friend.
“He wants to be a garbageman,”
he replied.
“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”
“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”
Source: guy-sports.com
“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend. “He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied. “That’s an unusual ambition to...
Duper Man
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
@Robfee
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
@Robfee
Toto, We’re Not in Cans Anymore…
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart,
Richmond, Utah
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
Submitted by Paul Stewart,
Richmond, Utah
A Long-Winded Limerick
A crafty young bard named McMahon,
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because
I’m always trying to cram as
many extra syllables into the
last line as I possibly can.”
Source: extremelysmart.com
A crafty young bard named McMahon, Whose poetry never would scan, Once said, with a pause, “It’s probably because I’m always trying to cram as many extra syllables into the...
An I.Q. Too High To Buy
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never
remember the name.”
Submitted by R. s., via mail
A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.” “Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist. The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I...
Contested Rules
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
@PeachCoffin
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
@PeachCoffin
New and Improved Names for Boring Everyday Things
• Couch = People Shelf
• Books = Manual Films
• Bracelets = Clockless Watches
• Air Horn = Spray Scream
• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood
• Feather = Bird Leaf
From sliptalk.com
• Couch = People Shelf
• Books = Manual Films
• Bracelets = Clockless Watches
• Air Horn = Spray Scream
• Bottled Water = Snowman Blood
• Feather = Bird Leaf
From sliptalk.com
Blessed Are The Red-Necked
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Submitted by Kenneth Roberts,
Mauston, Wisconsin
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor. “I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba. The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done,...
The Worst Page in The Dictionary
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@sixthformpoet
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
@sixthformpoet
Save The Cake!
I left the mess tent of our northern Iraq base, carrying a piece of triple-chocolate fudge cheesecake. Just then, an enemy mortar exploded nearby. I hit the ground with one thing in mind—protecting my dessert! My sergeant saw me and demanded, “Soldier, where is your weapon?”
“Don’t worry, Sarge,” I said. “I can always get another M16. But we rarely have cheesecake.”
Jay Bisping, Atchison, Kansas
I left the mess tent of our northern Iraq base, carrying a piece of triple-chocolate fudge cheesecake. Just then, an enemy mortar exploded nearby. I hit the ground with one...
The Boss’s Boss
My nephew was in the bathroom shaving when the phone rang, so
his four-year-old daughter, Amanda,
answered. It was her father’s sergeant. Hearing a child’s voice, the sergeant said, “Hello. I’m your dad’s boss. May I speak to him?”
Amanda turned toward the
bathroom and shouted, “Dad, the president’s on the phone.”
Judy Newberry, Yorba Linda, California
My nephew was in the bathroom shaving when the phone rang, so his four-year-old daughter, Amanda, answered. It was her father’s sergeant. Hearing a child’s voice, the sergeant said, “Hello....
A Tough Question For Teacher
My friend is an elementary school teacher who shares her classroom stories on Facebook. She recently posted the following: “Question of the day: ‘Miss Kassa, do you work?’ ”
Kathy Surey, Elmira, Ontario
My friend is an elementary school teacher who shares her classroom stories on Facebook. She recently posted the following: “Question of the day: ‘Miss Kassa, do you work?’ ” Kathy Surey,...
Schizophrenic Bookkeeper
Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!
Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan
Q: What did the schizophrenic bookkeeper say?
A: I hear invoices!
Stephen Pickering, Marshall, Michigan
Performing for Kindergartners
I was performing my musical
act at an elementary school one day. The principal charged all the kids
25 cents each to impress upon them that art isn’t free. As the kindergartners filed in, one scowling little boy fixed me with a hard stare and said, “This had better be worth a quarter.”
I can honestly say that was the most stressful gig I’ve ever played.
Gerri Gribi, Green Bay, Wisconsin
I was performing my musical act at an elementary school one day. The principal charged all the kids 25 cents each to impress upon them that art isn’t free. As...
Honest Out-Of-Office Replies
• “I am currently out at a job
interview and will reply to you if
I fail to get the position.”
• “Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.”
• “I’m not in the office right
now, but if it’s important, tweet
me using #YOUAREINTERRUPTINGMYVACATION.”
Source: hubspot.com
• “I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.” • “Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent...
Insulation Discrimination
Anyone who says the sexes
were created equal hasn’t worked
in an office with one thermostat.
Matt Wohlfarth
Anyone who says the sexes
were created equal hasn’t worked
in an office with one thermostat.
Matt Wohlfarth
A Phonetic Phail
Scene: I’m on the phone with
a customer.
Me: Was the first letter of that name an F as in Frank or an S as in Sam?
Customer: It’s an S … as in Frank.
Jack Tolin, Salem, Missouri
Scene: I’m on the phone with a customer. Me: Was the first letter of that name an F as in Frank or an S as in Sam? Customer: It’s an...
Roach But No Cigar
When the coffeemaker went
on the fritz, I joked that maybe it was the fault of the cockroaches. Our
office manager was not amused.
“We don’t have cockroaches,” she said, putting me straight.
“What about all the roach traps?”
I asked, pointing to one.
“A lot you know—those aren’t roach traps,” she sniffed. “They’re mousetraps.”
A. S., Croton-on-Hudson, New York
When the coffeemaker went on the fritz, I joked that maybe it was the fault of the cockroaches. Our office manager was not amused. “We don’t have cockroaches,” she said,...
Wendy Liebman on School Reunions
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool.
I didn’t want
to go, because I’ve put on, like, 100 pounds.
Wendy Liebman
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool.
I didn’t want
to go, because I’ve put on, like, 100 pounds.
Wendy Liebman
Rita Rudner on Math and Marriage
I’ve never been good with math,
but I accepted it from an early age. My teacher would hand me a math test, and I’d just write, “I’m going to marry someone who can do this.”
Rita Rudner
I’ve never been good with math, but I accepted it from an early age. My teacher would hand me a math test, and I’d just write, “I’m going to marry...
Larry Miller on Prayer in School
As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in school.
Larry Miller
As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in school.
Larry Miller
Mike Vecchione on Detective School
[I enrolled in] a private-detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought, Either I got ripped off, or this is my first case.
Mike Vecchione
[I enrolled in] a private-detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought, Either I got ripped off, or this is my...
Kate Mason on Useful Education
Nothing I learned in school prepared me for life. My first book should have read, “See Dick balance his checkbook. See Jane leave an unhealthy relationship. Run, Jane, run!”
Kate Mason
Nothing I learned in school prepared me for life. My first book should have read, “See Dick balance his checkbook. See Jane leave an unhealthy relationship. Run, Jane, run!” Kate...
Craig Anton on Dreaming Big
I want to take one
of those English as
a second language courses—just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.
Craig Anton
I want to take one
of those English as
a second language courses—just go in and blow everybody away on the first day.
Craig Anton
I Like My Men Like I Like My …
Sweatpants—Warm. Resilient.
Covered in cookie crumbs.
Babies—Adorable. Potty trained. With a nice crib.
Knives—Easy to handle. Clean-cut. In the kitchen.
Cheese—Sharp. Good with wine. Easily molded.
Books—Novel. Unpredictable.
With a spine.
Sara K. Runnels, from mcsweeneys.net
Sweatpants—Warm. Resilient. Covered in cookie crumbs. Babies—Adorable. Potty trained. With a nice crib. Knives—Easy to handle. Clean-cut. In the kitchen. Cheese—Sharp. Good with wine. Easily molded. Books—Novel. Unpredictable. With a...
The Wrong Side of History
After arriving late to the
Tower of London and to Buckingham Palace, the tour group finally
arrived at Runnymede. The guide
announced, “On this very spot, the historic Magna Carta was signed.”
A woman asked, “When was that?”
The guide said, “1215.”
“I knew it,” said the woman. “We missed it by 15 minutes.”
Submitted by Helen Russ, Medford, Oregon
After arriving late to the Tower of London and to Buckingham Palace, the tour group finally arrived at Runnymede. The guide announced, “On this very spot, the historic Magna Carta...
A Cut Above
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other.
“What are you in for?” asks one.
“I’m here to have my tonsils taken out,” the second replies.
“Don’t worry,” the first says. “I had that operation when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, you get ice cream.”
The other boy, now relieved, asks, “What are you here for?”
“A circumcision.”
“Whoa, good luck. I had that done when I was born, and I couldn’t walk for a year.”
Submitted by Kathy Valenta,
Chesterfield, Michigan
Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other. “What are you in for?” asks one. “I’m here to have my tonsils taken out,” the...
A Shallow Donation
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
Comedian Greg Davies
Why Texting Order Matters
My husband and I rented a cottage, and our son agreed to join us in a few days. I texted him to bring fuel for the fires, as the evenings were chilly. A few days later, we heard that a relative had died, and I texted our son with the funeral arrangements. Somehow, the messages got scrambled, resulting in his receiving the texts almost simultaneously—but in reverse order. They read, “Uncle’s funeral at crematorium 11:30 on Saturday” ... “Bring logs for the fire.”
Iain Duncan, Perth, Scotland
My husband and I rented a cottage, and our son agreed to join us in a few days. I texted him to bring fuel for the fires, as the evenings...
Q: What Does Mom Use to Clean?
I was playing a guessing game with my four-year-old grandson.
The clue: “It’s something your mom uses to clean.” The correct answer:
A broom.
My grandson’s answer: “A cleaning lady.”
Mary Mehring, Brookfield, Wisconsin
I was playing a guessing game with my four-year-old grandson. The clue: “It’s something your mom uses to clean.” The correct answer: A broom. My grandson’s answer: “A cleaning lady.”...
Bros Before Hose
I couldn’t understand why my son was so outraged by his friend drinking out of our hose. “What’s the big deal?” I asked.
“Mom,” he moaned, “he puts his mouth on it! It’s disgusting!”
“But why do you care so much?”
“Because I drink out of that hose!”
Judy Keith, Tampa, Florida
I couldn’t understand why my son was so outraged by his friend drinking out of our hose. “What’s the big deal?” I asked. “Mom,” he moaned, “he puts his mouth...
Not So Magical After All
After many trips over the years to Disney World with our nephew, my husband and I were eager to hear about his first time there without us and on his own dime. He summed it up quite well when he said, “I discovered that Disney World is not so magical when I’m paying for it.”
Barbara Andrews, South Bend, Indiana
After many trips over the years to Disney World with our nephew, my husband and I were eager to hear about his first time there without us and on his...
A Puzzling Questionnaire
While filling out a doctor’s medical questionnaire, I was stumped by this entry: “Choose one: Hispanic __ Non-Hispanic __ Other __.”
Roberta Frank, Norwalk, Connecticut
While filling out a doctor’s medical questionnaire, I was stumped by this entry: “Choose one: Hispanic __ Non-Hispanic __ Other __.”
Roberta Frank, Norwalk, Connecticut
Good Samaritan or Schmoe?
When I saw an elderly woman struggling to get her walker out of the car, I jumped into action. I grabbed the walker by the handles and tussled with it until it came out. Then I opened the collapsed legs, put them in the locked position, and placed the walker in front of her. Voilà!
“Thank you,” she said. “But I was trying to put it into the car.”
Richard Pariseau, Arlington, Virginia
When I saw an elderly woman struggling to get her walker out of the car, I jumped into action. I grabbed the walker by the handles and tussled with it...
The Medic Needs a Medic!
I was a medic in the Army. One day, I woke up with terrible back pain. I went to the sick hall, where
I was told I’d be taken to the hospital. After an hour, the captain came over. “Sorry for the delay,” he said. “But we can’t find the ambulance driver.”
“Captain,” I said, “I’m the ambulance driver.”
Joseph Dunn, Harveys Lake, Pennsylvania
I was a medic in the Army. One day, I woke up with terrible back pain. I went to the sick hall, where I was told I’d be taken to...
How to Make an Impression at Your Next Meeting
• Translate percentages into
fractions: If someone says that “25 percent of people clicked
on this button,” quickly chime in
with “So about one in four,” and make a note. Everyone will nod
in agreement, secretly impressed.
• Ask the presenter to go back
a slide: Do this at any point in the presentation, and you’ll look like you’re paying closer attention than anyone else.
• Nod continuously while pretending to take notes: Always bring
a notepad with you. Take notes
by writing down one word from every sentence you hear. Nod continuously while doing so.
• Encourage everyone to “take a step back”: There comes a point in most meetings when everyone is chiming in, except you. This is
a great point to say “Guys, guys, can we take a step back here?” Followed by a quick “What
problem are we trying to solve?” You’ve just bought yourself
another hour of looking clever.
Source: sadanduseless.com
• Translate percentages into fractions: If someone says that “25 percent of people clicked on this button,” quickly chime in with “So about one in four,” and make a note....
The Job You Want
My style is “dress for the job
you want,” and the job I want is
unemployed independently wealthy eccentric recluse.
—@behindyourback
My style is “dress for the job
you want,” and the job I want is
unemployed independently wealthy eccentric recluse.
—@behindyourback
The Best Person to List as an Emergency Contact
Among the questions on the
job-application forms I handed out at our factory was one asking whom to notify in case of an accident. One job seeker wrote, “Anybody in sight.”
Jack Worthington,
Foxborough, Massachusetts
Among the questions on the job-application forms I handed out at our factory was one asking whom to notify in case of an accident. One job seeker wrote, “Anybody in...
The Subway Sign Pun-Off
A London commuter hurrying to a job interview pushed and cursed a man on a crowded subway—the man who was to conduct the interview. Our commuter didn’t get the job, so the Week asked its readers to title a career-advice book he might write:
Mind the Gap Between Brain
and Mouth —Joe Valetti
I’ll Take This Job and Shove You —Lesley Hammer
The Advantages of Working from Home —Bill O’Meara
A London commuter hurrying to a job interview pushed and cursed a man on a crowded subway—the man who was to conduct the interview. Our commuter didn’t get the job,...
A Letter to The Editor… Then Another One
Earlier this year, sports editor Robert Cessna received two e-mails from an irate reader. The first excoriated him for leaving out the fact that the Texas A&M women’s basketball team was playing that day.
“We seriously need more attendance,” she wrote, “so how in the world does our local newspaper not mention that?” She wasn’t through. “There are words sufficient to show how irritated I am, but I chose not to use them.” She then signed it, “Upset Reader.”
Soon after, Upset Reader sent her second e-mail: “Sorry. I was reading last week’s paper.”
Source: myaggienation.com
Earlier this year, sports editor Robert Cessna received two e-mails from an irate reader. The first excoriated him for leaving out the fact that the Texas A&M women’s basketball team...
“What’s Good Tonight?”
The question we hate having
to answer at our family-owned
restaurant is “What’s good tonight?”
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself one night when
I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, “Anything over $17.95.”
From gcfl.net
The question we hate having to answer at our family-owned restaurant is “What’s good tonight?” Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn’t think was good. So I braced myself...
Kristen Carney on Instagram Etiquette
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.”
—Everyone following you on Instagram
@kristencarney
“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.”
—Everyone following you on Instagram
@kristencarney
Kevin Nealon on Airplanes
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”
Kevin Nealon
I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we...
Kumail Nanjiani on Coney Island
The Coney Island Cyclone is one of the oldest roller coasters in the world … built in 1927. Yeah. They should change the name to “1927!” because that fact is way scarier than
cyclones.
Kumail Nanjiani
The Coney Island Cyclone is one of the oldest roller coasters in the world … built in 1927. Yeah. They should change the name to “1927!” because that fact is...
Dennis Miller on Train Travel
Some people like to travel by train because
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of
an airplane.
Dennis Miller
Some people like to travel by train because
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of
an airplane.
Dennis Miller
Dumb Clients: A Different Color
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Client: The blue looks OK, but it would be great if it was a little more orange. Like “blorange.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Steven Wright on Tourism
I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
Steven Wright
I walked up to a tourist information booth and asked them to tell me about a couple of people who were here last year.
Steven Wright
How to Find a Foxhole
My gunnery sergeant and
I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked.
He snapped off a salute and
responded, “I don’t know, sir!”
Turning to the sergeant, he asked, “Gunnery, where is my foxhole?”
“You’re standing in it, sir,” said
the sergeant. “All you have to do is remove the dirt.”
Ret. Lt. Col. Joseph Como,
Greenwood, South Carolina
My gunnery sergeant and I were inspecting a Marine training exercise when we spotted a second lieutenant ambling about. “Where is your foxhole, Lieutenant?” I asked. He snapped off a...
Lew Schneider on Sunblock
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
We use a really strong sunblock when we go to the beach with the kids. It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
Lew Schneider
Peter Serafinowicz, on Denial
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
There's no “I” in denial.
Peter Serafinowicz
Smart-Asses Work in Restaurants, Too
I phoned a local restaurant to
ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That
depends on which direction you’re coming from.”
Patricia Thompson, Shawnee, Kansas
I phoned a local restaurant to ask if it was on the north or south side of Main Street. The person on the other end answered, “That depends on which...
Plotting Your Afterlife
Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so
I don’t have to spend all eternity
beside my ex!”
Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania
Spotted in the classifieds: “For sale: cemetery plot, $200, so
I don’t have to spend all eternity
beside my ex!”
Anthony Cialella, New Castle, Pennsylvania
Matt Wohlfarth, on Nostalgia
I admit that I live in the past,
but only because housing is so much cheaper.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
I admit that I live in the past,
but only because housing is so much cheaper.
Comedian Matt Wohlfarth
Flower Girl in Perpetuity
For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received
a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this for all your weddings!”
Helen Thoen, Manly, Iowa
For serving as flower girl for her aunt, three-year-old Sydney received a doll and bridal-themed gifts. Sydney was so thrilled, she ran to her aunt and announced, “I want this...
The Smell of Delta
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the packed economy cabin.”
“Eau the Humanity” —Serena Meyer
“Giorgio’s Arm-on-me” —Wade Etheredge
“Chanel No. 5 Inches of Legroom” —Austin King
“Claustrophobique” —Cynthia Pocali
“Mist Connection” —Cary Berkowitz
“The 99 Per-scent” —Julia Flagg
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabins with a lavender-and-chamomile scent called Calm. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match “the ambience of the...
Expecting a Food Baby
I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit.
My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning sickness.” Thanks, Mom.
Source: fmylife.com
I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning...
Bested by a Parrot
Wandering inside a pet store,
I stopped in front of a birdcage to
admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”
Shirley Brown, Richardson, Texas
Wandering inside a pet store, I stopped in front of a birdcage to admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”...
Yearbook Signers Beware…
My son and I were checking out
a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry?
I know you. We went to school
together. I’m Elaine. Don’t you
recognize me?”
I drew a complete blank.
She took out our old yearbook and showed me her graduation picture—still nothing. “Let’s look at your
picture,” she said.
She flipped the pages until she came to me. Under my photo I
had written, “Elaine, I will never
forget you.”
Lawrence I. Brant, Delray Beach, Florida
My son and I were checking out a house he was interested in buying. When the owner came to the door, she looked at me and said, “Larry? I know...
A Tough Question, by Jay Leno
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Jay Leno
How come you never see a headline like “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
Jay Leno
A Tough Question, by Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Bill Bailey
Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
Bill Bailey
A Tough Question, by Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind
Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?
Betsy Salkind