Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?
Ted: Brace yourself.
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
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Lost Luggage
Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?
A: He lost his case.
Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?
A: He lost his case.
No Feelings
Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!
Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!
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How Did You Get Here?
Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
Husband: My truck.
Marriage Counselor: So, what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything literally. I can’t stand it.
Husband: My truck.
Which is Lighter
Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
No More Tires
Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars!
Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.
Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars!
Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.
The Night’s Over
Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A: A cab.
Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A: A cab.
All the Symptoms
Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac.
Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all the symptoms.
Ann: I herd that you are a hypochondriac. Stan: Well, my doctor says I’m not, but I spent 3 days reading about it on the internet and I have all...
Book Head
Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book?
Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.
Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book?
Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.
Tree Hands
Q: What kind of tree has a hand?
A: A palm tree.
Q: What kind of tree has a hand?
A: A palm tree.
Lazy Shoes
Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
A: Loafers.
Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
A: Loafers.
Save Your Change
Q: Why should you save your pennies?
A: It makes good cents.
Q: Why should you save your pennies?
A: It makes good cents.
Farm Jokes
Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm?
A: Corny ones.
Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm?
A: Corny ones.
Morning Tea
Q: What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end?
A: A teapot.
Q: What has T in the beginning, T in the middle, and T at the end?
A: A teapot.
Dry Penguin
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost
Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?
A: Lost
Tree Soda
Q: What is a tree’s favorite soda?
A: Root Beer.
Q: What is a tree’s favorite soda?
A: Root Beer.
Stop or Slow Down
A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over and asks the man why he didn't stop at the stop sign.
"It's the same thing," the lawyer stated, "I don't believe there is a difference between stop and slow down."
"Allow me to prove it to you," the policeman said. He asks the lawyer to step out of his car and suddenly starts hitting him with his baton.
After a lot of pain that the lawyer endured, the policeman asked him, "Now do you want me to stop, or slow down?"
A lawyer is driving a car down the street and instead of stopping at the stop sign, the lawyer slows down. A policeman sees this and pulls the car over...
Faster Food
Q: Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot?
A: It's not fast food!
Q: Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot?
A: It's not fast food!
Day Stealer
Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
A: They both got 6 months.
Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
A: They both got 6 months.
Didn’t See You, Officer
A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, "You're speeding! Didn't you see the speed limit sign?"
The man replied, "Yeah I saw the speed limit sign, but I didn't see you."
A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...
Dropped Out
The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied, "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.
The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me,...
Faster Than a Snail
Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?
A: Wheeeeeeeee
Q: What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?
A: Wheeeeeeeee
Medication for That
I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent. Frazzled, I said, “Ever have one of those days when you feel everyone is out to get you?”
She smiled and replied, “I take medication for that.”
I work in the front office of a housing complex that supports people living with mental illness. On one particularly hectic day, a tenant came in to pay her rent....
Teeth Impression
As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked.
“I’m a comedian,” I answered.
“Interesting.”
After a pause, he said, “Let’s get an impression—”
“It’s more observational humor, actually,” I interrupted. “I don’t do impressions.”
The dentist continued, “—of your teeth.”
As the dentist labored over my teeth, he tried to make small talk. “What do you do?” he asked. “I’m a comedian,” I answered. “Interesting.” After a pause, he said,...
Tallest in Line
I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put to rest one day while getting into formation, which was determined by height. Now, I was shy of six feet tall, but when our drill sergeant called for all six-footers to line up, I stepped forward anyway. I instantly knew I was in the right outfit when I looked around. I was the tallest guy in line.
I admit it—I have a tendency to exaggerate, and I was afraid when I joined the Navy that my “creativity” might get me in trouble. But my fears were put...
Stop the Orders
Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee whether they still carried my deodorant. “No, we don’t,” she said. “It was always selling out, and I could never keep it in stock. So I quit ordering it.”
Our base’s Army Exchange Service carried a particular brand of underarm deodorant that I liked and bought for years. Then one day I couldn’t find it. I asked an employee...
Astaire a Mess
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge. “I’m terribly sorry,” said the waiter. “So you should be,” replied Fred. “Thanks to you, I’ve pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.”
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred...
Stole My Happiness
To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.
To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.
Keep the Name
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing so? “Ex-wife wants to keep my surname. She can have that too!”
Spotted in the legal notices section of the Maryland-based Daily Times: Michael Ray Dipirro petitioned the circuit court to change his name to Michael Ray Forbes. His reason for doing...
Not That Old Yet
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?”
He shook his head. “Not yet.”
“This is your great-grandma and great grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you think I look like them?” He shook his...
One is Enough
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”
While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of...
New Noses
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?”
“They have a place that manufactures them,” I answered. “It’s called the ‘olfactory.’”
The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...
Mom’s Side of the Car
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign. “Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.
My father-in-law calmly shook his head. “That’s Mum’s side.”
In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his...
Gone Soon
After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She then reassured him by adding, “Now, if you do everything I’ve told you, you won’t be with us for long.”
After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctor’s office. There, the nurse dressed his wound and gave him instructions on how to care for it. She...
Kind Words
A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively.
“Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.”
A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears...
No Eye Contact
I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day, but he was quite scrupulous, as evidenced by the fact that his written evaluation of me cited this issue: “Instructor loses eye contact with class while writing on blackboard.”
I was instructing new recruits when an officer entered my classroom to observe and report on my teaching style. I thought I was on top of my game that day,...
Drink Under the Table
Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told to report to my commanding officer, who ordered me to escort Ms. Raye. He then added confidentially, “We’ve already been through three escorts. You’re the only one I can think of she won’t be able to drink under the table.”
Comedian Martha Raye was a great supporter of the military and made many trips to Vietnam to entertain the troops. She also liked her scotch. One day, I was told...
Last Time For Everything
I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.”
She grumbled back, “There’s a last time for everything too.”
I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened. Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, “There’s a first time for everything.” She grumbled back,...
No Cause for Alarm
After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.”
After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out...
I’ll Take Something Else
My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened. “But don’t worry,” I said with a grin. “I’m leaving my son for collateral.”
She looked at him. He winked at her. She turned back to me. “What else you got?”
My 35-year-old son and I had just finished our meal when I realized I’d left my wallet in my truck. As I headed out the door, I told the waitress...
Food For Two
Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our order to go. After writing it all down, the girl behind the register asked, “Will that be all for you?”
“No,” I replied a bit defensively. “Some of it’s for my husband.”
Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop. While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our...
Temporary Filling
As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the talk less than stimulating and fell asleep. Unfortunately for him, our lecturer caught him. Sidling right up to the student, the speaker shouted in his ear, “What would you do for a patient in the event of a nuclear war?!”
My startled classmate sat up and responded, “Place a temporary filling, sir!”
As part of my Naval Reserve requirements at Emory University Dental School, I attended a talk about proper dental procedures following nuclear warfare. Evidently, one of my classmates found the...
Missing Equipment
When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear neatly laid out on a table. But something struck me as odd.
Picking up some unidentifiable gear, I said, “I didn’t get one of these!”
“Ummm ... no, you’re good,” he mumbled. “That’s my wife’s breast pump.”
When I was a Navy student pilot, I visited the home of a classmate. I met his wife and baby and was impressed that he had all his flight gear...
Insurance Love Life
While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the hallway where his wife was sitting, and shouted, “Hey, the doctor wants to know if we still have sex.”
His wife shouted back, “No, the only thing we have is Medicare and Blue Cross.”
While taking a clinical history from an elderly patient, I asked, “How’s your love life?” “I don’t know,” he said. “I’ll ask my wife.” He got up, walked into the...
Started With an S
A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague.
“I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it began with an s.”
“Was it Caesar’s?”
A coworker was telling us all about her trip to Las Vegas. “That sounds great. Where’d you stay?” asked a colleague. “I can’t remember,” she said. “But I think it...
She Looks Like You
Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?”
I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.”
“Are you sure? You look just like someone I know named Mary.”
“Well, I hope she’s young and skinny.”
“No,” he said, settling into his chair. “She looks like you.”
Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy.A patient showed up at our medical office and asked, “You’re Mary, aren’t you?” I smiled. “No, sorry, I’m not.” “Are you sure? You look...
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Takes Two to Get Married
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Burnt Dinner
My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
My husband cooks for me like I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
No Inspiration
Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration?
A: She draws a blank.
Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration?
A: She draws a blank.
For Here or To Go?
Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert. After scanning the display case, I settled on a dozen pound-cake cupcakes. The clerk’s pleasant response: “Is that for here or to go?”
Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert....
Baking or Vaping
Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning baking products?”
I patted her hand reassuringly and said, “That’s vaping products.”
Over dinner, I could sense something was bothering my mother, so I asked if anything was wrong. “Yes,” she admitted. “What’s all this I hear on the news about banning...
Want Another?
Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.
Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a beer. “Want another?” asked the bartender.
“I think not”, Descartes replied … then he disappeared.
Through the Floorboards
Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
Something Smells
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Solar System Party
Q: How does the solar system organize a party?
A: They planet!
Q: How does the solar system organize a party?
A: They planet!
Close, But No Cigar
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.
Cook a Gator
Q: What is the best way to cook a gator?
A: In a crock-pot
Q: What is the best way to cook a gator?
A: In a crock-pot
Fraction Break Up
Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
A: I'm so over you!
Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
A: I'm so over you!
See You Later, Dreams
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
High Bills
I've reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.
I've reached the age where my prescription bill has caught up to my bar bill.
Stolen Leek
Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.
Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.
Meaning of Dog
Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
Q: What do you get when you combine an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering the true meaning of Dog.
Bathroom Break
I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans, she yelled, “I did it, Mom! I pooped in the toilet! I pooped on the floor too! But I’ll clean it! Oh, I stepped in it!”
There was an uncomfortable silence as I realized the doctor had heard every word. “Ha ha,” I laughed nervously. “Do you have kids?”
“No,” he said, “and I never will.”
I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three-year-old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans,...
None Are Sharp
My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting the CEO’s office. When I described it to a coworker as “I’m a jack of all trades, master of none,” I was amused, yet slightly offended, when she offered a less than complimentary interpretation from her native Cantonese: “Equipped with knives all over, yet none are very sharp.”
My job as a facilities maintenance engineer required a wide range of skills. One day I might have to fix the furnace, while the next day could see me painting...
Dessert Before Dinner
Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat down, gave them each a menu and a glass of water, and asked, “Would you care for anything else?”
Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat...
Brutally Honest
A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?" The man thinks for a moment, then says, "I think my biggest weakness is my brutal honesty." The interviewer says, "I don't think that's a weakness." The man then says, "I don't give a #%^& what you think!"
A man goes to a job interview and the interviewer begins with the question, “What do you think is your biggest weakness?” The man thinks for a moment, then says,...
Who Can’t Hear
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor says, "Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears you."
The man goes home, sees his wife in the kitchen, cutting carrots on the countertop. About 15 feet away he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Nothing. He gets halfway to her and repeats the same question. Nothing. Very concerned, he gets right behind her and asks again "What's for dinner?"
She turns around and says "For the THIRD time, beef stew!"
A man goes to the doctor, concerned about his wife’s hearing. The doctor says, “Stand behind her and say something and tell me how close you are when she hears...
Cold Blood
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!
Salted Peanuts
Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?
A: One was a salted!
Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town?
A: One was a salted!
Meltdown
Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A. A meltdown!
Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A. A meltdown!
Make Do
Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.
Four-Year Gap
A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, "Why is there a four-year gap in your application?"
And the man responded, "Yale."
The manager hired him and the guy said, "Thanks. I needed a yob."
A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, “Why is there a four-year gap in your application?” And the man responded, “Yale.” The...
Don’t Drink and Driver
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? "Nothing for me, I'm the driver."
A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? "Nothing for me, I'm the driver."