“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.”
Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
What My Girlfriend Thought, First four Dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
@Ristolable
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
@Ristolable
The Mystery Kitchen Utensil…
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I
use it as both. When not in use, it
is prominently displayed in a
decorative ceramic utensil caddy
in my kitchen.
The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at
a rummage sale.
It’s a pooper-scooper.
Patty Brozo, Green Valley, Arizona
My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I...
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First Lines To Fake Novels
If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels.
As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, she knew that her decision to take Octoman as a lover was the correct one. L. C.
If Vicky Walters had known that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream. M. C.
From the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels. As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder,...
Una LaMarche on Spring Fashion
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
@sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season.
@sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)
Tom Parry on Folk Wisdom
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
Red sky at night, shepherd’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day.
Humorist Tom Parry
What Kind Of Exercise Do Lazy People Do?
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
Q: What kind of exercise do lazy
people do?
A: Diddly-squats.
Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona
Michelle Wolf on A Friend’s Pregnancy
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
@MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)
Making Amends With The IRS
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”
After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a...
Aaron Fullerton on Spelling
We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important
to teach them that there’s no a in
definitely.
Humorist Aaron Fullerton
We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important
to teach them that there’s no a in
definitely.
Humorist Aaron Fullerton
For Mother’s Day: My Mom Taught Me …
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!”
Source: thestir.cafemom.com
Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come...
Robin McCauley on Wine
This may be the wine talking,
but I really, really, really, really love wine.
@RobinMcCauley
This may be the wine talking,
but I really, really, really, really love wine.
@RobinMcCauley
Don’t step on the clean floor…
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...
A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.
“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.
“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”
Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois
A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor… A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he...
E-mail Addresses It Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net
Military Lesson: Never Volunteer
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear.
Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York
During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced...
A Vietnam Tupperware Party
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?”
Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota
The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from...
Art Reflects Life… Too Closely
As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on
body-part identification and the
k sound. To that end, I had him
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture
of me.
“Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word.
“No, that’s your chin,” he said.
He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked.
“No, that’s your other chin.”
Ilene Smith, Milan, Michigan
As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on body-part identification and the k sound. To that end, I had him use Play-Doh to make a sculpture of...
Overheard At Our Diner…
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania
Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?
Friend: You ordered a BLT.
Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.
Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania
No Such Thing As A Free Yacht
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.
Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.
Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee
A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my...
Time Zones Are Hard.
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back
in 20 minutes. The woman asked,
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”
Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas
While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes. The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes...
Insult or Compliment?
Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time?
It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”
Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York
Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my...
One Reason To Buy A Painting
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.
“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.
“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in
our wall.”
Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine....
A Businessman On Perfection…
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
Businessman Stanley Randall
Design Client From Hell: “Remove That Circle”
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence.
Me: You mean … the period?
Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it.
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly....
This Lawyer Is Thorough…
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.
“The bad news is, your blood
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”
“What’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is 130.”
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over...
Dolphin Spy Thrillers
A few months ago, Hamas
“arrested” a dolphin for being an
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason
magazine came up with titles for
the film this action might inspire:
• Orcapussy
• Free Schmuelly
• Goldflipper
• The Porpoise-Driven Life
• Dolphinfidel
A few months ago, Hamas “arrested” a dolphin for being an Israeli spy. Readers of Reason magazine came up with titles for the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy...
A Real Gut-Buster
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only...
#ReadingGoals
Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
@RandiLawson
Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.
@RandiLawson
Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts
When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the...
My Grandson Is A Smart Egg…
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared.
“Don’t you want to sit on the
bunny’s lap?” I asked.
“No!” he shouted. “There’s
a man in his mouth!”
C. S., via mail
At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just...
My Sword of Employer
The black lacquer stand
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as
before but with this appended to
his note: “Nice swords.”
Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon
The black lacquer stand holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the...
Roller Derby Teams for Book Nerds
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
Source: bookriot.com
Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players:
• Grimm Scarytales
• Pain Eyre
• Pippi Longstompings
Source: bookriot.com
Garage Sale Crap-Shoot
While hosting a garage sale,
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.”
H. T. Gibbons, Santa Fe, New Mexico
While hosting a garage sale, I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.” H. T. Gibbons,...
Pick a Husband, Any Husband
As the hostess at the casino
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my
husband, who would be joining me
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...”
She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.”
Rosalie Daria, Cincinnati, Ohio
As the hostess at the casino buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband, who would be joining me momentarily. I...
Bonnie McFarlane On The Key To A Good Marriage
I once gave my husband the
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”
Bonnie McFarlane,
from You’re Better Than Me
I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, from You’re...
At Ease, and April Fools!
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?”
SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com
We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” SMSgt....
Military Pranks Are Scarier Than Bombs
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:
• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas
• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes
• Had a new guy conduct a
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it
• Ordered a private to bring back
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)
The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: • Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas •...
My Kids Don’t Know What I Do
I’ve been working on my PhD
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work.
As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get
a job there.
Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?”
“Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado
I’ve been working on my PhD in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day,...
An Impossibly Long Leave
An insurance agent called
our medical office. One of our
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form
for a patient, but, the agent said, the
patient had altered it. The giveaway?
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30.
J. L., via e-mail
An insurance agent called our medical office. One of our doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form for a patient, but, the agent said, the patient had altered...
The Wrong Lesson
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.”
He eventually took another job
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted
me, hoping to return to his old job.
“Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked.
“Yes, I should have stayed here,”
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.”
Terry O’Connor, Chantilly, Virginia
I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was...
Married To The Job
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!”
G. M., via e-mail
I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by...
Weird Questions Librarians Hear…
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley
Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”
Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who...
And The Lord Separated His Paper From His Plastics…
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response,
so she gave her students a hint:
“It starts with the letter R.”
One boy blurted, “Recycle!”
Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California
My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was...
Honest Brand Slogans
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by
a corporation.”
Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.”
CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.”
Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.”
ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.”
Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.”
Source: honestslogans.com
Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette:...
Unintelligent Design
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.”
Source: clientsfromhell.net
Bullseye
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Humorist Reid Kerr
Don’t get upset if I ask you
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
Humorist Reid Kerr
No Dumb Questions (Except This One)
Just before the final exam in
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.
“Can you tell me what grade
I would need to get on the exam
to pass the course?” he asked.
I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”
“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
Aimee Prawitz, Sycamore, Illinois
Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to...
You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly
A woman called our airline
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.
“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
From gcfl.net
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained...
How Did You Know The War Was Over?
My 90-year-old dad was giving
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”
He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.”
Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia
My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war...
I Hope You ROTC
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that
heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh.
One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed
uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH.
Gary Severson, Nooksack, Washington
In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that heritage to lord it over me. But...
Fluent in Ink
I think it's pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
I think it's pretty cool how
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.
Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware
A Classic Conundrum
I’m trying to get into classical
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
I’m trying to get into classical
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands.
Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com
Guilty of Annoyance
A defendant isn’t happy with
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for
a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”
Submitted by Pate Ferry, Mesa, Arizona
A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What...
A Few Grams More
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
@JoshGondelman
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
@JoshGondelman
Fishing For Whiskey
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
From A Prairie Home Companion
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink....
When Relatives Attack
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
@michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)
Certainly (Undoubtedly, Definitely…)
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
@dinokitten
Been reading up on the
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
@dinokitten
The Smell of Confusion
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?
@bridger_w
(Bridger Winegar)
If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w (Bridger...
Simile and Say Cheese
We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
@shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)
We get it, poets: Things are like other things.
@shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)
Nevermore Relevant
Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
@SeanWhiteComedy
(Sean Gilbert White)
Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up.
@SeanWhiteComedy
(Sean Gilbert White)
Reading The Fifth
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
Demetri Martin
I’m writing my book in fifth person, so
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...”
Demetri Martin
True or False: Military Edition
1) In World War II, a German
U-boat was sunk because of a
malfunctioning toilet.
2) American combat dolphins,
deployed in the Persian Gulf,
surrounded and captured an
Iranian battleship.
3) The pen used by the military meets 16 pages of military specs.
4) At the real-life Topgun program—the one the film was based on—
there is a $5 fine for any staffer who
references or quotes the movie.
5) The Franco-Prussian War
ended in a stalemate and had to
be settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the two countries’ prime ministers.
Answers: 1-T; 2-F; 3-T; 4-T; 5-F
1) In World War II, a German U-boat was sunk because of a malfunctioning toilet. 2) American combat dolphins, deployed in the Persian Gulf, surrounded and captured an Iranian battleship....
Seriously, How Many Blondes?
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
@RobinMcCauley
How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP.
@RobinMcCauley
Why You Should Make Love Once A Year
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people...
Couch Potatoes, Take Heart
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
@longwall26
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
@longwall26
Super Droll, More Like
A first-grade teacher can’t
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents...
A Light-bulb Moment
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.
Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)
Jay Leno on Pet Scams
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
Jay Leno
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is...
Rita Rudner on The Perks of Dog Ownership
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
The Truth About Puppies
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
@shutupmikeginn
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
@shutupmikeginn
Dog Mom Is Always Right
“We’re eating
dinner soon.
Don’t fill up
on homework.”
—Dog mom
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
“We’re eating
dinner soon.
Don’t fill up
on homework.”
—Dog mom
Alex Baze (@bazecraze)
Harry Hill on Dog Enthusiasm
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
Harry Hill
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
Harry Hill
The Paradox of Grown-Ups
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
@damienfahey
I spend three minutes every
day choosing a TV channel
to leave on for my dog. Then
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult.
@damienfahey