If you’re a fan of lousy literature, you’re in luck: Here are two intentionally bad first lines of nonexistent novels. As he caressed her hair, cheek, forehead, chin, collarbone, shoulder, upper arm, and stomach, she knew that her decision to take Octoman as a lover was the correct one.    L. C. If Vicky Walters had known that ordering an extra shot of espresso in her grande non-fat sugar free one pump raspberry syrup two pumps vanilla syrup soy latte that Wednesday would lead to her death and subsequent rebirth as a vampire, she probably would have at least gotten whipped cream.    M. C. From the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do? A: Diddly-squats. Submitted by Valerie Lunt, Mesa, Arizona

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

After hearing a sermon on Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the IRS, “I can’t sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. Enclosed is a check for $150. If 
I still can’t sleep, I’ll send the rest.”

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely. Humorist Aaron Fullerton

Logic: “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.” Humor: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.” Justice: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like!” Source: thestir.cafemom.com

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor... A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. “I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.” “Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant. “No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.” Submitted by Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois

[email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] [email protected] Michael Ward, via mcsweeneys.net

During basic training at Fort Leavenworth, our sergeant asked if anyone had 
“artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the 
sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his Army-issued underwear. Steven Silver, Scarsdale, New York

The steaming jungles of Vietnam were not my husband’s first choice 
of places to spend his 21st birthday. However, the mood was brightened when he received a birthday cake from his sister. It was carefully 
encased in a Tupperware container and came with this note: “Dick, when you’re finished, can you mail back my container?” Kathy Wilson, Chaska, Minnesota

As a Speech therapist, I was working with a preschooler on 
body-part identification and the 
k sound. To that end, I had him 
use Play-Doh to make a sculpture 
of me. “Is that my neck?” I asked, trying to get him to repeat the word. “No, that’s your chin,” he said. He added more Play-Doh. “Is that my neck?” I asked. “No, that’s your other chin.” Ilene Smith, Milan, Michigan

Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it? Friend: You ordered a BLT. Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread. Alyssa Hoover, Dillsburg, Pennsylvania

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed. Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom. Eddie Edwards, Ripley, Tennessee

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”  Jamie Hindman, Lewisville, Texas

Have You Ever Been Insulted And Complimented At The Same Time? It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.” Elaine Schyve, Cohocton, New York

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.” Betty Tenney, Sterling Heights, Michigan

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

Client: Please remove the unnecessary circle at the end of the sentence. Me: You mean … the period? Client: I don’t care what you designers call it; it is unsightly. Delete it. Source: clientsfromhell.net

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

A few months ago, Hamas 
“arrested” a dolphin for being an 
Israeli spy. Readers of Reason 
magazine came up with titles for
 the film this action might inspire: • Orcapussy • Free Schmuelly • Goldflipper • The Porpoise-Driven Life • Dolphinfidel

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. Paul Neelon, Pembroke, Massachusetts

At the mall, my five-year-old grandson joined the other children in line waiting to sit on the Easter Bunny’s lap. When it was his turn, Jake didn’t move; he just stared. “Don’t you want to sit on the 
bunny’s lap?” I asked. “No!” he shouted. “There’s 
a man in his mouth!” C. S., via mail

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Nice swords.” Eleonore Bode-Lemming, Salem, Oregon

Here are real—and very literate—names of Roller Derby players: • Grimm Scarytales • Pain Eyre • Pippi Longstompings Source: bookriot.com

While hosting a garage sale, 
I asked a man if he was looking for anything in particular. “Yes,” he said. “Place mats the color of grape jelly.” H. T. Gibbons, Santa Fe, New Mexico

As the hostess at the casino 
buffet showed me to my table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my 
husband, who would be joining me 
momentarily. I started to describe him: “He has gray hair, wears glasses, has a potbelly ...” She stopped me there. “Honey,” she said, “today is senior day. They all look like that.” Rosalie Daria, Cincinnati, Ohio

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

We were inspecting several lots of grenades. While everyone was concentrating on the task at hand, I held up a spare pin and asked, “Has anyone seen my grenade?” SMSgt. Dan Powell, from rallypoint.com

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com: • Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas • Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes • Had a new guy conduct a 
“boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it • Ordered a private to bring back 
a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?” “Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.” Christopher Fields, Fort Collins, Colorado

An insurance agent called 
our medical office. One of our 
doctors had filled out a medically necessary leave-of-absence form 
for a patient, but, the agent said, the 
patient had altered it. The giveaway? 
The return-to-work date had been changed to February 30. J. L., via e-mail

I supervised an employee who had a negative view of everything 
I did. If I took a vacation day, I was “never there.” If I praised someone’s work, it was “too little, too late.” He eventually took another job 
but was fired six months later. Shortly thereafter, he contacted 
me, hoping to return to his old job. “Have you learned anything from this experience?” I asked. “Yes, I should have stayed here,” 
he admitted. “You’re too indecisive to have ever fired me.” Terry O’Connor, Chantilly, Virginia

I guess this is what happens after you’ve worked at the same place for a while. I was eating at a fast-food restaurant when an employee began his shift by walking into the kitchen area and calling out, “Honey, I’m home!” G. M., via e-mail

Before google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries: • A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.” • “Who built the English Channel?” • “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?” • “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley 
Temple doll and a teddy bear.” • “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the 
resurrection of Christ. “What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, 
so she gave her students a hint: 
“It starts with the letter R.” One boy blurted, “Recycle!” Mari-Lynn Finley, Los Angeles, California

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.” Source: honestslogans.com

Client to designer: “It doesn’t really look purple. It looks more like a mixture of red and blue.” Source: clientsfromhell.net

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me. “Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked. I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.” “OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?” Aimee Prawitz, Sycamore, Illinois

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!” From gcfl.net

My 90-year-old dad was giving 
a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?” He replied, “When they stopped shooting at me.” Lynette Combs, Norfolk, Virginia

In college, my freshman-year roommate was in ROTC and came from a long line of military men. Trask (his last name) used that 
heritage to lord it over me. But I had the last laugh. One night, he returned to the dorm in his perfectly pressed 
uniform, his newly acquired name tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he showed it to me. In large gold letters was printed: TRASH. Gary Severson, Nooksack, Washington

I think it's pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

A defendant isn’t happy with 
how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for 
a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.” Submitted by Pate Ferry, Mesa, Arizona

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.” From A Prairie Home Companion

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

We get it, poets: Things are like other things. @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

1) In World War II, a German 
U-boat was sunk because of a 
malfunctioning toilet. 2) American combat dolphins, 
deployed in the Persian Gulf, 
surrounded and captured an 
Iranian battleship. 3) The pen used by the military meets 16 pages of military specs. 4) At the real-life Topgun program—the one the film was based on—
there is a $5 fine for any staffer who 
references or quotes the movie. 5) The Franco-Prussian War 
ended in a stalemate and had to 
be settled by a winner-take-all game of backgammon played by the two countries’ prime ministers. Answers: 1-T; 2-F; 3-T; 4-T; 5-F

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP. @RobinMcCauley

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?” One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

A first-grade teacher can’t 
believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?” “Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student. “Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?” “Then I’d be a football fan.”

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. Jay Leno

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner

Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best. @shutupmikeginn

“We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom  Alex Baze (@bazecraze)

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them. Harry Hill

I spend three minutes every 
day choosing a TV channel 
to leave on for my dog. Then 
I go to work, and people take me seriously as an adult. @damienfahey