Q: Who did the scary ghost invite to his party?
A: Any old friend he could dig up!
Jokes
Looking for funny jokes? Settle in: You're in the right place. From clean knock-knock jokes and the top corny jokes to hilarious one-liners and clever riddles, we've got the jokes guaranteed to bring on serious laughs.
The Scariest Monster of All
Q: What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks?
A: A 1980’s hairdresser!
Q: What do you call a man who lures women into his place and turns them into ghastly freaks?
A: A 1980’s hairdresser!
Good-Humored Monster
Q: What goes Ha-ha-ha-ha!, thud!!! and keeps laughing?
A: A monster laughing it’s head off!
Q: What goes Ha-ha-ha-ha!, thud!!! and keeps laughing?
A: A monster laughing it’s head off!
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Squashed Squash
Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.
Fruit Bats
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine!
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A necktarine!
The Dumb Skeleton
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.
Dancing Monsters
Q: What kind of monster loves to disco?
A: The boogieman.
Q: What kind of monster loves to disco?
A: The boogieman.
Obese Pumpkin
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.
Dieting Scarecrow
Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow eat dinner?
A: He was already stuffed.
Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow eat dinner?
A: He was already stuffed.
Honest Ghosts
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them!
Superstitious Rodent
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.
Witch’s Spell
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away the W.
Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away the W.
Vampire Love
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
A Demon’s BFF
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
Disappointed Ghost
Q: Why can’t the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Q: Why can’t the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
Dracula’s Renovations
Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.
Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.
Sated Vampire
Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.
The Weather Outside is Frightful
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite
Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite
Congested Ghost
Q: What is in a ghost’s nose?
A: Boo-gers
Q: What is in a ghost’s nose?
A: Boo-gers
Busy Mummy
Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.
Q: Why don’t mummies take time off?
A: They’re afraid to unwind.
Gargling Vampire
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.
The Witch’s Garage
Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.
Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.
The Least Popular Product In the World
Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.
Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.
Ghost on R&R
Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.
Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.
Curvy Spirit
Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Q: Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
Workaholic Horseman
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Q: Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A: He wanted to get ahead in life.
Intellectual Vampire
Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Q: Why did the Vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.
Drunk Ghost
Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.
Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.
Ahoy, Dracula!
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels
Skinny Skeletons
Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.
The Cowardly Pumpkin
Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
Why was the jack-o-lantern afraid to cross the road?
He had no guts.
Life With A Blonde Teenager…
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.
Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?
Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.
Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.
Me: What is a vowel?
Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …
Me: Close enough.
—by Robert Alvarez, author of Blonde Moments: Life with a Blonde Teenage Daughter
SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car. Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is? Me: Hmm, is it a...
Steve Martin on Success
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way.
Steve Martin
Gore Vidal on The Four Most Beautiful Words
The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
Gore Vidal
The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so.
Gore Vidal
Gordie Howe on The Language of Sports
All pro athletes are
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
All pro athletes are
bilingual. They speak English and profanity.
Gordie Howe, hockey player
Bonnie McFarlane on The Toughest Language…
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
Bonnie McFarlane
I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane
Repeat That, Mate?
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
If you understand English, press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
Recording on an Australian tax help line
Steven Wright on Language Tapes
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.
Steven Wright
The Unathletic Camper’s Baseball Glossary
Baseball bat: a wooden or
metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands.
Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit!
Babe Ruth: someone who people tell you was also overweight.
Right field: a quiet place where you can sit for long stretches and play with dandelions. Until suddenly you hear a clang and some shouting and immediately understand life is about to get much harder.
Fly ball: when the sun drops
a boulder on your head.
Shortstop: a position that
involves mostly ground balls
and that you think maybe you can play.
Line drive: the reason you can’t play shortstop.
Innings: the amount of time
left before afternoon snack,
divided by nine.
Marc Philippe Eskenazi,
in the New Yorker
Baseball bat: a wooden or metal bar that can easily fly out of someone’s hands. Foul ball: a moment when you think, Holy @#$%, I got a hit! Babe Ruth:...
Friendly Competition…
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.
A Priest, A Minister, A Rabbi And A Bear
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds
a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the
circumcision.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it....
Film Plots, Badly Explained
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot
explanations.
• The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx
• The Lord of the Rings: Group spends nine hours returning jewelry. @eserunsalan
• Titanic: Everyone tries the ice-bucket challenge. @generalist
• Beauty and the Beast: Stockholm syndrome works. @DanSlott
• The Chronicles of Narnia: Kid comes out of the closet. @SueChainzz
From the Twitter feed #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Choosing a movie? Don’t trust these extremely abbreviated plot explanations. • The Shining: A family’s first Airbnb experience goes very wrong. @janmpdx • The Lord of the Rings: Group spends...
What An Ugly Duck…
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
Katie O’Connell, Warrenville, Illinois
My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds....
No Bedside Manner
I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have
a better chance of dying from the
anesthesia than the surgery itself.”
T. f., via Internet
I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until … “Heck,” he continued, “you have a...
A Fly-Killer’s Pickle
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”
Cindy Yates, Mill Valley, California
My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, I thrust her contaminated...
Michael Ian Black on Mom’s Best Dish
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
—Michael Ian Black,
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies.
—Michael Ian Black,
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)
Aged To Perfection
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up.
“How old are you?” a tenant asked.
“I’m 81 years old,” he answered.
The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”
Thomas Clements, Catonsville, Maryland
The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up....
If You Need Something Done Wrong…
“Next time I send a damn fool,
I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
“Next time I send a damn fool,
I go myself.”
—Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I
The Dumbest Police Calls in America…
From the police blotter,
or, what a beat cop deals with
every day:
• A deputy responded to a report
of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes.
It was the mail carrier.
• A woman said her son was
attacked by a cat, and the cat would not allow her to take her son to the hospital.
• A resident said someone had
entered his home at night and taken five pounds of bacon. Upon further investigation, police discovered
his wife had gotten up for a late-night snack.
• A man reported that a squirrel
was running in circles on Davis Drive, and he wasn’t sure if it was sick or had been hit by a car. An
officer responded, and as he drove on the street, he ran over the squirrel.
Source: uniformstories.com
From the police blotter, or, what a beat cop deals with every day: • A deputy responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mailboxes. It was the mail...
A Place Where Grandkids Belong
We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure.
Six months later, she invited me to her home. There she showed off her newly designed family room, complete with a single-plank, three-hole picture frame featuring her three grandchildren.
d. r., via mail
We were tearing down an old three-seater outhouse when my neighbor asked if she could have the single-plank, three-hole outhouse seat. I said sure. Six months later, she invited me...
JIB: Job Interview Breakdown
Have you ever been a victim
of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have:
• “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me what I wanted to be in five years, I said, ‘Race car driver.’”
• “The guy asked me to tell him
a little about myself, and I literally forgot who I was.”
• “I got asked about punctuality.
I went on about how it was good
to speak clearly and politely, and
it was nice to use proper grammar
in speech and writing.”
Source: dailymail.co.uk
Have you ever been a victim of a JIB (job interview breakdown)? These men and women have: • “I was so nervous at a job interview, when he asked me...
“Buy Yourself Something Nice, Jerk”
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
Source: storify.com
My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch. Told to get himself something, he bought a shirt.
Source: storify.com
Eliza Bayne on Bikini Dangers
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!”
@ElizaBayne
My Son’s #1 Concern
When my three-year-old was told
to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With
a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”
Janet Frenyea, Walkersville, Maryland
When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, “Do I have to drink it?”...
Modeled On Confusion
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?”
My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …”
The photographer interrupted me: “I meant him.”
Joanne Noffke, Oak Forest, Illinois
The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said....
The Deadliest Job in WWII
My high school assignment
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served
in the Philippines during the war,
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
Marian Babula, Penn Run, Pennsylvania
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few...
Never Lose A Tank
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Comedian Dick Gregory
The Real Meaning of “An Apple A Day”…
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she
remarked, “An apple a day keeps
the doctor away, right?”
“That’s true,” he agreed. “I haven’t seen a doctor in three days.”
Larry Jensen, Englewood, Colorado
My wife, a phlebotomist at the Denver VA hospital, entered a patient’s room to draw blood. Noticing an apple on his nightstand, she remarked, “An apple a day keeps the...
English is Hard
My colleague has been living
in this country only a few months,
and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today, everything wrong is going in my favor.”
Bacchus Johnson, Charlotte, North Carolina
My colleague has been living in this country only a few months, and although normally chipper, he recently looked sad. When I asked what was wrong, he responded glumly, “Today,...
Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At
“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”
“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in the shower and got nervous.’”
“Got a frantic call from a woman who claimed she had overdosed and needed help immediately. We arrive on scene, and she hands us an empty mint container, saying she took them all. That night she learned that you cannot overdose on mints.”
Source: Overheard in the ER
“Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here...
What Not To Say In A Job Interview
My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?”
The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
John Richman, Webster, New York
My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss...
The Point of A Conference Call
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
@DamienFahey
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
@DamienFahey
Your Work E-mail is What?
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected].
• My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His e-mail was [email protected].
• My name is James Pan. Every other permutation of my name was taken (e.g., jpan, jamesp), so I’m stuck with [email protected].
From quora.com
• I’m employed at a computer security company and have a colleague whose name is M. Alware. His e-mail address is [email protected]. • My ex-boss’s name is R. Stone. His...
How To Translate Work Emails
I have a question. = I have 18 questions.
I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.
I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.
Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.
No worries. = You really messed up this time.
Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!
Source: thecooperreview.com
I have a question. = I have 18 questions. I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it. I tried my best. = ...
Tim Siedell on The Revenant
The Revenant (2015).
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to
do whatever it takes to
finally win an Oscar.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell)
The Revenant (2015).
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to
do whatever it takes to
finally win an Oscar.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell)
Nathan Usher on Luke Skywalker
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
@thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times.
@thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)
Liz Hackett On What The ’80s Taught Her
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
@LizHackett
If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now.
@LizHackett
Karen Kilgariff On The Walking Dead
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
@KarenKilgariff
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?”
@KarenKilgariff
The Problem With Scooby-Doo
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
@SCbchbum (Erica)
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
@SCbchbum (Erica)
Wearing Husband Goggles
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.”
My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected, “Imagine how great she’ll look after two.”
Rosemary Tomy, Tucson, Arizona
The party’s host paid me a great compliment. “You are a good-looking woman,” he said. “Honest—I’ve had only one beer.” My glow was only slightly dimmed when my husband interjected,...
The Problem With New Jeans
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.
“Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked.
“Yes,” I said. “They hurt my
feelings.”
A. P., via e-mail
I was at the customer-service desk, returning a pair of jeans that was too tight. “Was anything wrong with them?” the clerk asked. “Yes,” I said. “They hurt my feelings.”...
Jenny Mollen Defines Drama
Drama: a word boring people use
to describe fun people.
@jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)
Drama: a word boring people use
to describe fun people.
@jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)
The Case of The Illegal Mah-Jong Game
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four
elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could be made about this bust:
Golden Girls, Interrupted
The Lavender Hair Mob
Indicting Miss Daisy
No Country for Old Women
The Social Security Network
Police in Tampa, Florida, raided and shut down a weekly $4-a-round mah-jongg game played by four elderly women. The Week asked its readers for titles of crime movies that could...